I had been working such long hours.

Fortunately.

If I didn’t have a job to throw myself into, I would probably have stayed at home, touching myself while thinking about that stiff one in Theo’s jeans 24/7. Every now and then, even when I was in the middle of a conversation with someone on the crew, or when I was in the zone, moving props around on set, I suddenly heard echoes of Theo groaning in the shower, fifteen minutes after seeing me in a towel.

That was a mistake. I shouldn’t have done that.

It was sexy as hell and made me feel a lot better after the vomiting incident, but it was still a huge mistake. It felt like everything was in slow motion while I walked down the hall and met his gaze and the way his mouth parted just made me feel so good and he looked so freaking hot standing there in his pajama pants. He had no idea that while he was jerking off in the shower I was in bed quietly devastating my clitoris with a vibrator, fantasizing about going into his room, pushing open the door to his bathroom and dropping my towel once he realized I was there, opening the steamed-up shower door and stepping inside, he still had one hand on his big hard cock and the other hand reached out to grab behind my neck to pull me in for a kiss but I smirked and pressed him back against the wall, slid down his body so he could feel my wet breasts against his skin until I kneeled down between his legs, took him in my mouth and gave him the blowjob of his life. 

In my fantasy I was totally capable of giving him the blowjob of his life but in reality I was pretty convinced that he had gotten so many of those from so many beautiful women over the years that it would be impossible for me to top them. Especially given my very limited exposure to penises. 

Which was why I kept reminding myself that Ben was the smart choice for me at this point. 

Despite everything, it just wasn’t sitting right with me—neither the overt sexual tension nor the covert sexual fantasies with Theo.

It’s like gluten-free bread, or when Benedict Cumberbatch does an American accent. It should be the greatest thing in the world, the answer to our prayers, but it just felt wrong and made me cringe a little.

He had to go out of town for two weeks of meetings and press interviews because the line of high tech athletic wear had been so successful, but he left a Post-it on the fridge that said he really wanted to talk to me, so would I call when I was home, didn’t matter how late.

I texted him that I didn’t have time to talk, that I was too tired when I got home. It was true.

It was also true that a month earlier I would have called him anyway.

But three weeks of an independent film production schedule was exactly what I needed to avoid the inevitable disaster that would be a “talk” with Theo at that point. I missed him. Of course I missed him. I’d be on location for a week in Palm Desert, and I’d arranged to stay with Chloe and Ethan at their new place when I got back. Once production wrapped I’d have time to look for a new place. I’d have to rip off the bandage. I didn’t know any other way, and I was sure that Theo would understand why, eventually.

Once I had gone on location in Palm Desert, Theo had gotten home and gone nuts.

I had never received so many daily texts from him since I’d met him.

About the most trivial things, so many questions, but never the one I needed him to ask me, the one that would change everything.

Theo: I can’t find that bag of chia seeds from Costco.

Me: In the drawer with the million other little bags of chia seeds.

Theo: It’s not there I looked.

Me: Look again.

Theo: Found it. Thanks.

Theo: How’s the catering?

Me: Good.

Theo: How’s Ben?

I did not respond to that one.

Theo: Should I grow a mustache?

Theo: Unrelated question—do these jeans make me look fat?

(Image attachment of sleeping kitten in back pocket of jeans)

Theo: Someone just dropped a bag of dog shit in our garbage bin. If you text back anything at all in three seconds I will go outside, retrieve the dog shit bag and throw it at him.

(Ten seconds later)

Theo: Lucky bastard. He didn’t even have a dog with him. JK

Theo: Where do you get those tortilla chips that I like?

Me: Los Cinco Puntos on Cesar Chavez.

Theo: How did you find out about this place?

Me: Caterer from two jobs ago. Gotta go busy Xx

Theo: Say hi to Ben for me.

I did realize he was flipping out because in the past I had told him that location shoots are basically a cast and crew sex camp. It’s not an exaggeration—but I had regaled him with other people’s hookup stories back when I was still with Andrew, back when there was no chance I’d be one of the hooker-uppers. 

Now that I was a free agent I not only had to deal with sex camp jitters, I was also dealing with a bizarro housemate situation. 

Ben was great. I liked seeing him at work. He was really good at his job, and having an on-set crush was not just a bonus, it felt necessary because of the long hours. He was a perfect on-set crush. He was a perfect flirt. A perfect gentleman. Most of the time.

He brought his dog with him, and she was adorable, so I’d go for quick walks around the Best Western with them in the morning and after we’d wrapped for the day. It was nice. But I could tell that he was ready for more. And I could tell that I wasn’t. Quite. Yet.

I was having lunch with Ben when I got my nine hundredth text of that day from Theo.

He sent a pic of what he was eating at our place, Winsome, at the counter. He got my favorite dishes—the potato chips with crème fraiche and fried egg sandwich. He usually ordered the cauliflower salad with chicken. Seriously, what was wrong with him?

“That Theo again?” Ben smiled as he looked up from his salad, to me, then back to his salad.

“He’s having lunch at our favorite place on Sunset. Taunting me.”

“You should send him a picture of your taco. Show him what he’s missing.”

Ummm. No.

For the life of me, I couldn’t tell if he was being dirty or not. Maybe Ben didn’t know that taco was slang for vagina? Or was he just that good at delivering a sly joke? Maybe that’s why I had been intrigued by him. I just couldn’t quite figure him out.

Although, to be fair, I couldn’t figure out any of the guys I’d known. I thought I’d known everything there was to know about Andrew—wrong. I thought I’d known everything I would ever know about Theo—probably wrong.

“You want to grab a drink after we wrap tonight? If we wrap on time, which we should, it’ll be earlier than usual.”

I assumed he meant a drink with the gang, including Julia and Jason. “Probably. I figured Julia and Jason would go off on their own tonight.” They had finally started hooking up, once we got to Palm Desert.

“I’m sure they will,” he said. He finished chewing his food and swallowed, before saying: “I meant just you and me. There’s a bar in Palm Springs I think you’d like. I’d like to take you there. Just us.” He watched me for a response.

Just us.

Those two little words had somehow managed to tense up my entire body.

Those two little words had been reserved for me and Theo for years.

If I did this, if I really went on a date with Ben and really had sex with him, it would mean that I would be moving in the direction that I had meant to move in for the past year—away from Theo. It had been my intention, my goal, my desperate desire. Ben was cute, nice, uncomplicated, willing. So why didn’t I want to go for a drink with him?

“Um. I’d love to,” I found myself saying, “but I’m so tired. I really need to catch up on sleep.”

“You sure? You can still be in bed by ten. Asleep by eleven.”

Ew.

My phone vibrated. We both looked down at it. There was a new text message from Theo. Of course.

“I’d really like to, Ben, but…”

“Yeah. But.” There was some bitterness in his voice.

I didn’t blame him for that. I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t sit with me at lunch anymore, or if he didn’t come by my room with his dog. I didn’t blame him for feeling like he’d wasted time flirting with me when he could have been with Annabel from the wardrobe department, but I was also certain that he’d be with her later that night anyway. I looked forward to hearing all about his penis from her in the morning.

I didn’t check the text from Theo until Ben had finished his salad and left our corner of the table to go talk to the Assistant Director.

Theo: No seriously, say hi to Ben for me.

Me: No. Seriously. Say hi to all of your fangirl/girl toys for me.

I looked out at the desert surrounding our catering tent, and wondered how long it would take for my lady parts to dry out and turn to dust. It was too hot to be mad at Theo. I was just resigned to more confusion, unfulfilled desire, frustration, and a relationship that I no longer understood or recognized.

I didn’t want to look at Theo’s response. But I did. Of course I did.

Theo: Gemma. There hasn’t been anyone else but you for weeks.