My body tingles with another sip of cabernet.

It’s my third glass and it’s only tasting sweeter on my lips. The tips of my fingers always feel it first. That familiar buzz that makes my body feel a bit heavy and my mind light.

“I can’t believe your license plate says Alimony,” Maddie says into her wine glass as she snickers again. She’s laughing so hard, the white zinfandel splashes onto her lips, but she doesn’t care. She merely smiles and takes a deep gulp.

Suzette answers with a shrug and a cocky smirk, “Fucker had it coming to him.” Her bright pink lipstick smudges against her glass of Long Island Ice Tea and she wipes it away with her napkin as Maddie continues to laugh. Sue’s given herself a makeover since her divorce is finalized. Currently she’s sporting jet black hair with a blunt bob cut and bangs to go with her snippy attitude.

“Did you really have to put it on display like that though?” Maddie asks still smiling from ear to ear and tossing her drink back.

Maddie’s young and naive and thinks Prince Charming is out there, so you should always be ready. Sue has a marriage, a divorce, and fifteen years on Maddie, so that fuck you side-eye doesn’t go unnoticed, at least not by me.

I love her dearly, but Maddie’s horrible at picking up on Suzette’s feelings, but it’s plain as day to me, even as tipsy as I am, that Sue doesn’t want to talk about it. Her license plate is just one more way for Sue to make fun of her divorce before anyone else can. That asshole put her through hell and she came out cold as ice to all men. Well except the ones she likes to sink her claws into after a few Long Islands.

Sue leans back in the white leather booth, keeping the glass in her hand and shrugs again as she says, “What says ‘Fuck you, mother fucker’ like a red Ferrari with that license plate?”

Kat pipes up from her corner of the booth, rolling her eyes and taking a sip of her Pepsi, “I think it says, ‘Don’t touch this bitch’ to every man in the city.”

A sly smile slips onto Sue’s face. “Thank fuck,” she says as she sets her drink down and stretches her arms over her head. “Maybe all these bastards will finally leave me alone then.” The other girls laugh and I join in although my heart’s not in it. My nerves are shot just being out here tonight. Sue’s directly across from me, and both of us are seated at the ends of the semi-circular booth. Kat to my right, then Maddie.

Sue’s just going through her own personal tragedy. In a way you could call it a death, not like mine, but not unlike it either. I know all this is just a defense mechanism; I wish the other girls could see it too.

“Another round?” The waiter startles me and I nearly spill my glass as I gasp and back away. All the eyes within the vicinity turn to me, everyone within the vicinity and I do what I do best, I let out a small laugh and play it off. Maybe I’m even more like Sue than I realized.

“Sorry,” I say a bit too loud, playing up how tipsy I am, but sweetly and gently placing my hand on the waiter’s arm. His crisp white shirt is soft under my fingers as I lean in and say, “I’m so sorry, I hope I didn’t spill any on you.”

That’s all it takes for everyone to go about their own business, but my heart’s still beating wildly. Some eyes linger. I’m aware they recognize me. My eyes stop across the room; frozen by a gaze I know all too well.

They belong to a woman in her late sixties, Margo Pierce. She’s an heiress and an influential investor in the city. Her large sapphire cocktail rings appear even more over the top as she holds a simple glass of champagne with both hands. For a woman in her sixties, she wears her age well. From her perky breasts to the delicate skin around her eyes, not an inch of her hasn’t been through some procedure or another. It’s all done in good taste though.

The last time I saw her was at a casino, the night I got the phone call. I can still remember the sounds of the machines and the bright colorful lights. A glass of rosé in my right hand as I sat perched on a bar stool in the center of the casino. At the Mohegan, the bar is elevated. I could see so many other guests playing slots and sitting at the card tables; it was packed that night.

Just like tonight, I was with the girls and we were enjoying ourselves and the atmosphere. We were taking a break from roulette with cocktails and Sue was cursing out her husband when the phone rang. I only picked it up because it was odd for my mother to call me so late.

Kat leaned in to order from the bartender as I placed the phone to my ear, turning a bit to my left for a hint of privacy. I didn’t show them anything, keeping a pleasant smile on my face as I answered.

When I heard my mother’s voice on the other end, the smile vanished and the sounds turned to dead air.

I could barely make out my mother’s voice, just a few words here and there, but I knew something was wrong. Very wrong.

My heart raced, and the shock caused my body temperature to drop so low that I was shivering.

He’s dead. I heard her words clear as day as I got to the entrance of the casino. My heels clipped the large rug that covered the granite floor at the entrance. I stumbled forward, my short dress riding up and my left heel nearly falling off. My knees hit the hard ground and the phone fell from my hand.

Jace is dead. That’s what she said. Jace, my Jace, is dead, I thought.

I imagine they thought I was drunk. I would have assumed that if I’d seen someone fall the way I had.

Margo Pierce was there to help me. Those damn cocktail rings were digging into my arm as she helped lift me up. I stood there on wobbly legs just trying to breathe, but when I looked up and into her eyes, I could tell she knew.

I knew in that moment it was real. I could lie to myself, or I could have hung up and driven home, all the while in denial. But the sympathy in her eyes was damning.

I rip my eyes away from hers and return back to the girls, to tonight, leaving that night in the past, right where it belongs. I ignore the way my hand itches to drain the glass of wine and order another and push my hair back over my shoulders, trying to relax. Trying to shake off the unwanted memories.

“I think you’re flagged,” Kat mutters into her glass even as her eyes meet mine. Her sandy brunette hair is colored with a subtle ombre and she’s worn her eyeliner in a cat-eye fashion. I don’t know why, but I can’t stop looking at it. Like if I can just concentrate on her makeup, everything else will go the fuck away.

“No such thing,” Sue’s quick to come to my defense, a smile on her face. “Drink up, girly.” She gives me a wink and it forces a smile to my face. It didn’t take long for the girls to come find me that night, crying alone in the back of the limo.

I blink a few times to keep the tears away. It was months and months ago, but sometimes the pain comes back full force. I don’t know that it will ever go away and if it does, surely that would be a tragedy. I don’t know where the grief and mourning ends and my life begins again, but I’d like to find it.

I push the nearly empty glass away, watching the dark liquid pool into the very bottom and sigh deeply. I can’t seem to force the smile to stay on my face. The once easy mask isn’t slipping into place. Progress is all I need though. I remind myself of my motto: Seek for progress, not perfection.

“Let’s talk about something and someone else,” I suggest.

My skin pricks at the back of my neck as I feel a set of eyes on me. The anxiety comes back and I put on my best fake smile, staring straight ahead as Maddie starts listing off what’s wrong with her last rendezvous.

I don’t know who it is, but someone’s watching me. It could be the papers, but every time I’ve gone out, they’ve approached me before I’ve even noticed them. I debate on taking a casual look over my shoulder. I thought I felt someone watching me earlier, but maybe I was wrong.

It’s all in your head, I tell myself again.

“You know enough time has passed,” I hear Sue say from across the table. I look up at her dark eyes twinkling with mischievousness.

“Enough time for what?” Maddie asks Sue. Maddie’s the quintessential younger sister of our group and I swear most of Sue’s references go right over her head.

Sue motions toward me, and it’s only then that I take in her words. I clear my throat and look away, feeling a blush rise to my cheeks. “When I said someone else…” I mutter playfully and pick up the glass, tilting it all the way up in the air and throwing my head back to get the last few drops.

The girls laugh it off, but there’s a certain gravity in Sue’s eyes.

She lowers her voice and looks at me in the eyes as she says, “We just want you to be happy.”

“It’s ‘we’ now?” I ask her suddenly feeling defensive. They’ve been talking about me behind my back?

Sue shrugs and Kat’s quick to put a hand on top of mine. She twists in her spot and the white leather booth squeaks under her skinny ass. “We were just talking earlier.” My brow rises as she takes in a breath and tries to find the right words.

“We want you happy again,” Maddie says from her seat next to Kat. Her hands make two sharp motions emphasizing “happy again” as she leans back in her seat and looks straight ahead, avoiding my eyes on her.

Of course they’d talk about me. I’m not shocked by that at all. I can’t explain why it feels like a betrayal though. Why my throat seems to go dry and then itch as if I’m going to cry. Why wouldn’t they? Everyone else is.

“Hey, Jules,” Kat’s voice is soft, placating even.

I pull my hand away from her and suck in a breath, “it’s fine,” I whisper, grabbing my clutch.

“Don’t go,” Sue’s quick to sit forward and plead. “It wasn’t-”

“Just to the powder room,” I blurt out. “I just need to freshen up,” I tell them with a tight smile, standing up and pulling down my dress.

“Do you want company?” Kat asks, already sliding out behind me.

“I just need a minute,” I say and shake my head, and give her pleading eyes.

I can handle this, and I’m more than ready to. I just need something. A breath of fresh air maybe. Or a drink of water or something stronger. I don’t know what, but I know I need a damn minute to figure it out.