Two days went by, and I didn’t hear a word from Sebastian. I’d left his house with a horrendous hangover, but that hadn’t held a candle to how bad I felt for what I’d done.

For what it had felt like when he’d written me off.

He was done with me. I’d gone too far, and I knew there was no going back. I had no excuse. I’d let myself get completely out of control, and I’d done it on purpose. I hadn’t intended to put myself in danger, but I hadn’t cared if I did, either.

And for the first time, it mattered.

Letting random guys buy me drinks in bars, hopping on the back of Jared’s motorcycle when neither of us were sober, blowing off appointments or work—before I’d met Sebastian, none of those things had seemed to matter. I hadn’t really cared whether I lived or died, so why not take a risk? Chase the high? Disappear? The consequences hadn’t held any weight.

But seeing the hurt in Sebastian’s eyes, suddenly there was a consequence I cared about. Deeply.

He’d been trying to find me that night—afraid for me. And when he had, not only had I been completely shit-faced, I’d been with some other guy.

Hooking up hadn’t been on my agenda. I hadn’t gone looking for a one-night stand. If I’d been anywhere close to my right frame of mind, I wouldn’t have given those guys the time of day. Technically, I was single—no man had any claim on me. If something had happened with the guy from the bar, I wouldn’t have been cheating—I didn’t have anyone to cheat on.

Except it still felt wrong. And I knew what I’d done had hurt Sebastian just as it would have if he and I had been something more than what we were. Something more than friends.

That was the betrayal I’d seen in his face when he’d looked at me the next morning. I hadn’t had an answer to it. I’d wanted to apologize—I still did—but I didn’t know how. How could I look him in the eyes and ask for his forgiveness when I didn’t deserve it? Not from him. Not after hurting him like that.

I walked home from work, alone in the growing darkness. Thankfully Joe hadn’t fired me. I’d resolved to be stronger and not let myself get buried in apathy again. I didn’t want to lose my job and wind up like I’d been in Phoenix. But I didn’t have much confidence in my ability to hold to it. What would I do if—or when—the deadness overtook me? Would I be able to force myself to keep going? Was it possible to cope without completely self-destructing? I didn’t know.

Inside my house, the quiet was deafening. I’d thought about calling Sebastian so many times, but I hadn’t done it. I still didn’t know what to say. And his silence spoke a clear message. He didn’t want to hear from me, anyway.

Joe had brought us some takeout late in the afternoon, so I wasn’t hungry. I flipped on the TV—anything to cut the silence—and went into the kitchen to make tea. Maybe some chamomile would help me sleep.

There was a knock at my front door and my heart jumped. Oh my god, was it him?

I opened the door and my mouth hung open. It wasn’t Sebastian, but I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Olivia?

She was dressed in a thin white cardigan over a floral sundress, and sandals that showed her ruby red toenails. Her blond hair was down and she had a rolling suitcase sitting next to her.

“Hi,” she said.

I swallowed hard. Was I really looking at Olivia Harper, standing on my doorstep in Iowa City? “Hi.”

“Can I come in?” she asked, her voice hesitant. “Maybe?”

“Yeah, sure. You can come in.” I stepped aside and she rolled her suitcase inside. I closed the door behind her with a click and twisted the deadbolt.

“Thank you,” she said. “I’m sorry to show up unannounced like this, especially after, you know… everything.”

The tea kettle whistled. I was so shocked at the sight of Olivia, I wasn’t sure what to say. “Um, I’m making tea. Do you want to come in and have some?”

“Yeah,” she said with a small smile. “I’d love that.”

I turned off the TV, and she followed me into the kitchen. I bustled around, getting our tea ready, trying to figure out what the hell she was doing here. How she’d known where to find me. But I didn’t ask yet.

We took our mugs to the couch and sat down.

“Look, I’m basically incapable of bullshit, so I’m not going to dance around everything,” Olivia said. “The last time we saw each other, I was angry, and I took it out on you. I’m so sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean it.”

I closed my eyes for a moment against the sting of tears. The last time Olivia and I had seen each other, we’d gotten into an argument. I’d said some things I regretted too. But she’d told me I wasn’t really part of their family, so I should just take my mess and move on.

“I’m sorry too.” I swiped away a tear that broke free from the corner of my eye. “I’m sorry I pushed you and your family away like I did.”

“It’s okay,” she said. “I pushed you away too. You didn’t deserve that.”

I reached over and squeezed her hand. “Thank you.”

She squeezed back. “Oh my god, I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you too,” I said. “But how did you find me here?”

“A certain big muscular bearded guy,” she said.

“Sebastian?”

“Yep. He called my mom a couple of days ago. She was going to fly out here, but I insisted I would come.”

“Why did he call your mom?” I asked. Now I was completely confused.

“Because he’s worried about you,” she said. “But you need to let me ask the questions for a minute. I love you, but you have a lot to answer for, you crazy bitch. Why didn’t you tell anyone you moved out here?”

“Because it was nuts,” I said.

“Shit yeah, it was nuts. Although I’ve met Sebastian, so…” She paused, her eyes on me. “Are you on drugs?”

Her question caught me off guard, like a shove from behind I wasn’t expecting. “What? No. Why would you ask me that?”

“Because Sebastian is worried that you’re using,” she said.

“I’m not using drugs,” I said, my voice sharp.

“Be straight with me, Brooke,” Olivia said. “With your history… I need to know if I’m here for an intervention or what.”

“My history?” I asked. “You mean my mom.”

“Well, yeah, growing up with an addict makes you more susceptible. But mostly I’m asking you because Sebastian told me what you did the other night.”

I hesitated, staring into my tea. I felt like I was at a crossroads with Olivia. I believed her when she said she was sorry. Both of us had been angry that day, our anger fueled by grief. And if I pushed her away again now, I’d never get another chance. She’d been like a sister to me once, and I still loved her like one. I always had.

I met her eyes. “Last week I took some Vicodin. And Saturday night I got wasted out of my mind on Xanax and alcohol. But before that, I hadn’t touched a thing since I moved here. Not even a single drink. I swear.”

“Where’d you get the pills?” she asked.

“In Phoenix before I left.”

“Do you have more?”

It took me a second to answer, a lie sitting unspoken on my tongue. It bothered me that my first instinct was to protect my stash. That wasn’t a good sign. “Yes.”

“Where?”

“There’s more Vicodin in my sock drawer. I have a bottle in my purse that says Advil, but that’s not what’s in it. I’m not even sure what those are; there’s a few different things. And I took the last of the Xanax. I promise, that’s it.”

She raised her eyebrows and got up. I waited on the couch while she dug through my purse and pulled out the bottle. She went to my room and I heard her go through my things. I let her do it.

The toilet flushed and she came out, brushing her hands together. “Gone. We cool?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you have any booze?” she asked.

“No.”

“Damn,” she said, and one corner of her mouth lifted. “I could really use a drink.”

I laughed. She sat down again and picked up her mug.

“You look really good,” she said, her voice softer than before. “I was kind of worried I’d find you looking like a strung-out crack whore. But you don’t at all. You look beautiful.”

“Thanks,” I said. “You look great too. How have you been?”

She shrugged. “Okay, I guess. Let’s see, since I last saw you… I transferred to NAU. After graduation I moved back in with my parents, though. That sucks, and I’m going to get my own place as soon as I can. I got what I thought was a great job, but they laid me off a few weeks ago. Me and like six other people. So that sucks too. I don’t know, that sounds really depressing, but it’s not so bad. I’ll find another job. It’s all just kind of… anti-climactic. Adulthood, you know? I’m itching for something more.”

“What about relationships?” I asked. “Are you with someone?”

“No,” she said. “I was dating this guy I met at school for a while. A couple of years, actually. But we had kind of a dramatic breakup.”

“What happened?”

She rolled her eyes and sighed. “I wanted to get serious, so I brought up moving in together. I thought we could at least talk about it. He responded by getting drunk at his company Christmas party that night, and fucking one of his coworkers in a bathroom.”

“Oh my god,” I said. “That’s horrible.”

“Yeah, it was,” she said. “I was really upset at first. But then I realized if I’d have stayed with him, I would have totally been settling. It was still a bullshit thing for him to do to me, but it was for the best that we broke up.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “What an awful thing to go through.”

“Thanks,” she said. “Okay, so I talked to Sebastian after my mom did. I know you two met the day we had lunch with him. Then you left town with him and came here. He didn’t tell me why exactly, but I’m going to guess it wasn’t because your life was all sunshine and roses.”

“No,” I said. “Truth?”

“Truth.”

I took a deep breath. “I lost my job, and my apartment. Then the guy I was living with gave me a black eye and a split lip.”

“Holy shit,” she said. “Why didn’t you call my mom?”

A lump rose in my throat and my voice trembled. “He broke my phone. But mostly I didn’t want her to know.”

“Give her some credit,” she said. “What do you think she would have done? Tossed you out on your ass? You know my family better than that. We would have helped you.”

“I know,” I said. “But I kept doing stupid things. And I knew it, I just didn’t care enough to do anything differently. Everything felt so fucking hard after Liam died.”

“Well, yeah, you never got any help,” she said. “That wasn’t something you should have gone through on your own. My parents and I went to therapy. Have you seen a counselor? Or even just talked to someone about it?”

“No.”

“Maybe it’s time,” she said. “I mean, Jesus, you were there. You lived through it. I know it was so hard on you.”

I looked down at my tea, still clutched in my hands. “I don’t have the words.”

She put her hand on my knee and squeezed. “So, what’s going on now? Sebastian made it sound like he thought you were pretty happy here until you imploded the other night. What was that about?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I spent a few days feeling really down. It happens sometimes, but this was the worst in a while. I wanted to get rid of that feeling. So I took some pills and went to a bar to drink.”

“And that’s how you ended up hanging out of the back of a pickup truck with a bunch of drunk frat boys?” she asked.

“Basically, yeah.”

“Fuck, Brooke, you’re a dumbass,” she said. “I love you, but really?”

“I know,” I said. “And the worst part is…”

“What?” she asked. “Tell me.”

“The worst part is what I did to Sebastian,” I said. “I really hurt him.”

“So, you and Sebastian are like…” She raised her eyebrows. “Right?”

“What, together?” I asked. “No. We’re just friends.”

“Hmm,” she said, narrowing her eyes at me. “You sure about that?”

I took a sip of tea to give myself a second before I answered. “Of course I’m sure. I think I’d know.”

“Nothing has happened between you,” she said. “No ill-conceived make-out session you never spoke of again, or a sweaty drunken night together that you’re trying to pretend didn’t happen?”

“I told you, I haven’t been drinking,” I said. “And he never does.”

“Not even a tender moment of longing where something almost happened, but didn’t?”

“No, I…” But I trailed off before I finished protesting. There had been a moment like that. Actually, there had been many moments like that. At least, moments that could have been. I wasn’t sure.

I knew Sebastian was more to me than just a casual friend. He’d gradually worked his way into the hollow space where my heart had lived, filling it with his warmth.

What did he see when he looked at me? A girl who was a walking disaster, no doubt. But what did he feel? Friendship? Something more?

“I don’t know, but it doesn’t matter,” I said. “I ruined it.”

“Making a mistake doesn’t mean you ruined a friendship forever,” she said. “Right?

“Yeah, but Sebastian isn’t going to put up with me anymore.”

“You realize how much he cares about you, right?” she asked. “If he didn’t care, he’d just bail and let you run around with all the frat boys you want. But he didn’t. He reached out to my mom, hoping she could help you. He picked me up at the airport and drove me here. I saw the way he looked when he was talking about you. Maybe he’s mad, but he’s not walking away.”

I stared at her as what she was telling me sank in. He hadn’t written me off. I still had a chance. Maybe I hadn’t lost him.

“Oh my god, I need to go talk to him.” I put my mostly-full tea down on the side table and got up, my entire body filled with urgency. “Do you know if he’s home?”

“Calm your tits, crazy,” she said. “Yeah, I think he’s home. I’m supposed to call him after I talk to you and tell him how you’re doing.”

“Okay, call him, then. Talk to him.”

“Maybe we should just go over there,” she said. “And you talk to him. It’s close, right?”

I nodded. “Yeah, we can walk.”

“Let me go use the bathroom first.”

My heart raced while I waited for her to come out. I paced around the living room, too agitated to sit. It all made so much sense now. I’d been trying to deny it—trying to push my feelings away. Afraid of what they would mean.

But I knew the truth. I was in love with Sebastian, and nothing would ever be the same.