THREE
SHANNON
AS SOON AS I COULD, I hustled to the bathroom and slammed the door behind me. With my back pressed against the cool wood, I sucked in the air of the room, filling my lungs until they burned.
The chattering of the rich bitches at the party could be heard through the door like little chirping biddies. Talk of lowly boys from the country and brawling reached my ears. They were chittering about Devin and Matthew fighting, and I didn’t want to hear any of it. Turning the water on, I drowned out their voices.
Confusion swept through me. I was clueless to what had happened, but I knew my body was on fire, and I was trembling uncontrollably. Checking the water to make sure it was cold, I snatched the decorative hand towel from its rack, soaked it, and then wrung it out. The plush cotton felt like icy heaven against my skin, and I sighed in relief as I pressed the frigid towel to my flushed cheeks.
I was ablaze. My entire body sizzling and aching while my heart felt as though it was going to burst from my chest. It took a lot to admit it to myself, but I was aroused.
When Matthew fell between my legs, his muscled back pressed against my center. Every time he moved, he brushed against the tiny bundle of nerves I hadn’t given enough attention to lately. But the strangest part was, I was also in the midst of a massive panic attack.
Panic and arousal had no business in the same body at the same time. The gripping fear of death was squeezing me, my body tense and shivering, as all the things that could go wrong flew through my demented thoughts. I gripped the marble countertop to keep myself upright while the room around me spun and shifted beneath my heels.
If I had known touching him would cause me that kind of hysteria, I would have never offered to help him up. I didn’t want to touch him. Just the thought of his coppery skin against my fingertips made me uneasy, but getting him out of the house before Devin ripped him apart was crucial.
It was my fault he was there in the first place, and I was prepared to drag him out the front door if it meant calming Lilly down on what was supposed to be her special night. What I hadn’t expected was for him to fall back against me and take me down with him.
Staring in the mirror above the sink, I looked flushed as if I had just finished a workout, my red cheeks glowing under the overhead lighting.
I set the wet towel down on the counter and smoothed the hair away from my face. A few deep breaths and I was feeling much better. I gave myself two more minutes before I opened the bathroom door and joined the party once again.
The mood was tense, but Matthew was gone, and for that, I was extremely thankful. I never wanted to see him again, and after what happened between him and Devin, I didn’t think I needed to worry about that.
I joined my group of friends in the corner and took the offered slice of birthday cake.
“Poor Lilly. Her mom’s going to flip her shit when everyone leaves,” Anna said as she cut into her slice of cake. “You know how she hates when people cause a scene in front of her rich friends.”
I did know.
And I agreed … poor Lilly.
But I couldn’t think about that. Not when my anxiety had reached epic proportions. I hadn’t been touched by a man since my dreaded prom night. I’d spent the past three years of my life avoiding all physical contact with the opposite sex.
My body was wracked with pain and anguish. Not only did I land on the marble floor when Matthew fell back on me, which I knew would leave a nice bruise on my fair skin, but I also had to endure the one thing I promised I’d never endure again.
The touch of a man.
It repulsed me, but at the same time, I yearned for more.
It was twisted—sickening—demented.
“Earth to Shannon.” Anna snapped her fingers in front of my face, making me jump.
I shook my head and chuckled. “Sorry. I’m exhausted and out of it.”
I’d known Anna for a couple of years, having met her through Lilly. She was the sweetheart of our group; her shoulder-length dark hair was curled into an adorable set of beach waves that framed her beautiful face, but it was her emerald cat eyes that stole the show.
She was going to school to be a veterinarian, but we all worried she would be taken out by a large dog since most of them towered over her when they stood on their hind legs. Her laughter was infectious, and she jiggled a bit when she giggled. Simply stated, I adored Anna-banana.
Things were different from when I was younger, and I actually had a group of friends now, thanks to Lilly. I never had many friends growing up. Life got better with age, but no matter how great things seemed, the past always followed you everywhere like a piece of damp toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe.
“Do you guys think Lilly’s okay?” Erin asked.
Erin was our number four. She was tall and bronze with long black hair. We called her our beautiful Indian friend, but she was made to be a plus-size model.
There were six of us altogether. Lilly and me, of course. Anna and Erin, as well. But there was also Meg, who was the tall, statuesque blond in the group. She wasn’t your average golden vixen, though. She was different. We liked to call Meg “a fat girl stuck in a skinny girl’s body.” She might look like the cheerleader you’d love to hate, but she had the personality of the sweet, round band geek.
Last, but never least, was Randy. He was the girlie one in the group, and the only one who was getting any action. Occasionally, he would bring around a new boy toy, but most of the time, he kept his love life at the gay club down the street from Franklin’s Jewelry store, which was the best place to have a good time in Charleston.
We were close, but like most adults, we had jobs. Yet that didn’t keep us from getting together most Wednesday nights to have a few drinks and play board games.
“I’m sure she’s fine,” Randy stated, sipping from his champagne glass like he was used to living the high life.
He wasn’t.
None of us were, with the exception of Lilly. Her family was loaded, yet she lived the life of someone who had been raised like the rest of us. I adored that about her. She moved away from her parents and their money and was living in our tiny apartment while driving an old Honda.
Her mom, on the other hand, was lavish, spending money constantly on things Lilly didn’t want. Lilly hated it, but I never complained when her mom had things shipped to our house. Lilly handed it off, and thanks to that, I had a well-stocked closet and expensive purses I would never be able to buy for myself. Things I never imagined owning.
The night stayed mellow after the big fight, and I found a corner with my friends and stayed for the appropriate amount of time. When I got back to the apartment, I showered, feeling extra dirty from having been touched by a man, and then I went to bed. Sleep didn’t come right away, but when it did, I dreamed of sea blue eyes and caramel skin. I dreamed of fingertip touches and kisses.
In my dreams, my fear of the opposite sex didn’t exist. Thankfully, in my dream world, I could enjoy being physical because, in the real world, being touched would never be okay. Not when my brain kept tossing terrible memories to the front of my mind.
THE FOLLOWING DAY WAS SUNDAY, and I took the day to visit my grammy. I drove to Somersby, the small town where I grew up, and during the hour-long ride, I listened to my music and drowned out the thoughts plaguing me lately.
Things with Lilly had been different since her relationship with Devin seemed to be changing. She was the same, but she was changed.
Not bad.
Not good.
Just different.
I found myself thinking of ways I could stay gone. The thought of walking in on them again or running into Matthew had me terrified to go home. The place I was once comfortable in became a place I dreaded going to. I knew I could easily go to Lilly and ask her to keep males away from the apartment, but that meant explaining why it was an issue. Explaining why I had only pretended to be interested in men and sex throughout our entire friendship.
It wasn’t something I was ready to discuss.
So instead, I visited my grammy more, which was good, considering she was getting up in age and needed more of my time.
She had raised me after my birth mother, her only daughter, left me on their steps. I had no idea who my father was, and my mother had never returned home to her family after leaving.
It was for the best. No better set of parents existed than my grammy and pop. I was given everything they were capable of and loved beyond measure. I was shown the extent of a near perfect marriage and the correct way to get through life’s struggles together.
They’d been happily married for over sixty years. Pop used to say the trick to a long, blissful marriage was to treat your wife like it was the last time you’d ever see her … every day. He stuck to that, treating Grammy like she was a precious moment in time. At least that was what Grammy called it.
“He treats me like I’m a precious moment in time, which makes sense since we’re all just passing through.”
It was a sweet thought, and I always prayed I’d find a man who loved me and treated me the same, but I wasn’t about to hold my breath, considering how screwed up I was. But if I could never have the real thing, at least I grew up seeing the genuine love of my grandparents. There was no doubt about their affection for each other. You could see it in their eyes.
Then when I was sixteen, my pop had a massive heart attack and died, leaving me and Grammy devastated and alone in the world. Since then, Grammy and I had grown even closer.
I pulled into the trailer park where I grew up. The long, narrow dirt road was still full of potholes, making my car dip and bump as I drove over them. Kids rode their rusted bikes alongside my car, taunting and laughing. I parked beside Grammy’s trailer, the fifth one on the right, and cut the engine.
The place was neglected. The aluminum siding had long started to rust, leaving the beige trailer looking as if it had bled out and the blood had dried. The front door had a tiny diamond-shaped window, but you couldn’t see through it into Grammy’s living room because she kept a dark-colored rag tacked up to keep the sun out.
Aluminum foil wrapped the windows, keeping her light bill down during the summer months and the cold air out during the winter. Her front porch wobbled when you stepped up the three wooden steps. It was no mansion, but it was paid for, and thanks to Grammy’s disability checks, she was able to cover the extras like electricity and water.
I tapped on the hollow door, and the trailer shook with my knocking.
“Come on in,” she called out, her voice carrying through the thin walls.
Opening the front door, I heard the buzz of her window unit, regulating the temperature in the tiny place to her liking. The inside was always dark, thanks to the aluminum foil on the windows, but with the darkness and the hum of her window unit, I was always able to get some of the best sleep.
“Hey, Grammy,” I said, closing the sun out as I shut the door behind me.
“Hey, honey, I’m glad you stopped by,” she said from her favorite recliner across the room. The small TV I had bought her was on, illuminating the tiny space. “Your pop should be home from work any minute now.”
I paused, feeling sadness swoop in.
"Grams," I said softly, kneeling next to her chair. "Pop’s gone ... remember?"
Her hand turned over, and she squeezed my fingers. "Of course I do, hon, but he’ll be here any minute. Don’t you worry."
Her attention never strayed from her program, and my heart ached to the point of tears. I wiped them away and stood.
"Are you hungry? How about I make you something better than a microwave meal for dinner?"
She finally looked up from her program and smiled at me. "Spaghetti?" she asked. Her eyes turned sad and dark, and I knew she was back again. "It was your pop’s favorite." Her voice faded away as she lost herself in her memories.
"Of course, Grams. I’ll make you spaghetti." I leaned over and kissed her on the head.
The kitchen needed cleaning. Dirty dishes and old food cluttered the counters. Grammy always kept a clean house, and seeing it so filthy further let me know she wasn’t well. Clutching the laminate countertop, I stood at the sink and took a deep breath.
Her episodes were coming more frequently. They didn’t last more than a few minutes, but I knew I would have to make a decision soon because I couldn’t leave her like this any longer. It hurt too much to know she was slowly forgetting everything about her life, and she was alone doing it.
Cleaning while cooking, I managed to whip the small space into shape as the spaghetti bubbled on the stovetop. An hour later, the place looked the way it used to. I made her a plate, and we sat at the old table in the eat-in kitchen and ate dinner together. Within that time, she had two more episodes, both times talking about Pop as if he was still alive. She spoke as if the past five years hadn’t happened at all.
After we were done eating, we watched a bit of TV. It wasn’t long until she was dozing off while sitting in her chair.
"Let’s get you ready for bed, Grams," I told her, turning off her TV.
She nodded and groaned as she pushed herself up from her seated position. I helped her, and we walked together down the long, narrow hallway to her bedroom. She needed a bit of help undressing, and I assisted her when she got her nightgown stuck around her neck. It took us a bit, but finally, she was dressed for bed.
"Will you comb my hair, Shannon? I have this monster of a knot in the hair on the back of my head, and I can’t reach it." She touched the back of her head, and her fingers combed through her graying hair until she found the knot.
"Let’s see what I can do." I smiled at her, retrieving her brush from the bathroom.
I brushed her long beautiful hair and had the knot out within seconds. She brushed her teeth, and I helped her to bed. The blankets were pulled up to her chest when I leaned over and kissed her softly on the forehead. Before I could pull back, she reached out and grabbed my hand.
“I have something for you, Shannon,” she said, shocking me with her moment of absolute clarity.
She hadn’t been this lucid throughout my entire visit.
“Hand me the little porcelain box on the dresser,” she directed.
I did as she told me, going across her bedroom and retrieving the tiny box. It had been on top of Grammy’s dresser for as long as I could remember.
She sat up in bed and popped the little top off. Reaching inside with a single finger, she pulled out a gold wedding band.
“This is for you,” she said, setting it in my palm.
“What is it?”
Her face lit up with memories, and she grinned. “It’s your pop’s wedding band. He wanted you to have it.”
My heart ached. “Gram, I can’t take this.”
It belonged to her. It was the symbol of his love for her, and I knew without her saying it how much it meant to her.
“You have to, hon. He told me himself he wanted you to have it. He said, ‘Iris, give this to Shannon when I’m gone, so she can give it to her precious moment when she finds him.’”
Tears rushed to my eyes, and I nodded, accepting the gift even though I knew I would never have anyone to give it to.
Setting the porcelain box back on her dresser, I tucked her into bed once again. And as if the moment of complete clarity never happened, she looked up at me and said, "Will you stay with me until I fall asleep? I get so scared when your pop works late."
I swallowed, blinking hard to keep the tears at bay. "Wild horses couldn’t drag me away."
Setting Pop’s ring on the bedside table, I climbed into bed with her and laid there long after her breathing evened out and her soft snores filled the stillness of the trailer. I hadn’t meant to, but I let the comfort of home and the steady hum of her window unit lull me to sleep.
I woke an hour later with a start. Turning to check on my grams, I found her sleeping soundly. I slowly climbed over her and out of bed. Leaning over, I kissed her forehead and then tiptoed out of the back room.
I made sure everything was off and put away before I left the trailer and locked the door behind me. I wanted to stay the night with her, but I hadn’t brought anything with me, and since I had to be at work early the next morning, I had to get home. But I would be back to check on her. If I had to come over every day, I would until I figured out what to do.
The drive back to Charleston took longer than usual. A three-car pileup had traffic moving at a crawl with brake lights visible as far as the eye could see. Since the thermostat in my car was crap, I was chilled. I spent the drive running over my options. It was obvious Grams couldn’t live alone anymore, but there was no way I could move back to Somersby.
There was no work there.
No opportunities.
And even if I did move back, I would still have to hire someone to watch over her while I worked, assuming I even found a job.
No.
That wouldn’t work.
My only other option was to put her in a home. Maybe a place full of other older people so she could be social and feel alive, but those places were expensive, and the fact remained I had no way to pay for it.
By the time I got back to the apartment, I was still clueless about what to do. I unlocked the door and walked into our place only to find Devin and Lilly going at it on the couch like a bunch of teenagers.
Men.
They were everywhere I turned, and I was over the entire scene.
Even though it was truly disgusting, I found myself longing for what Lilly had, which made it ten times worse. I was so confused about everything in my life. All I wanted to do was shower and go to sleep, but by the time I was out of the shower, Devin was gone, and Lilly was sitting at the end of my bed waiting for me.
“Sorry about that,” she said shyly. “We got a little carried away. You know how it is.”
I didn’t, but I didn’t say that. Instead, I chuckled and shook my head with a forced grin.
“No worries. It was hot,” I lied.
“He just makes me so … I don’t know.” She ran her palms down her face. “I can’t get enough of him.”
I smiled, wishing I could understand that feeling but knowing I never would.
Thinking of all the things I was going to miss—all the things he took away from me—pressed sadness against my chest.
Love.
A family.
Children.
All my precious moments.
They were things I would never be capable of—things that would require physical intimacy.
“I’m glad you’re happy,” I said.
And I was. Lilly was one of the best people I knew, and she had endured just as much, if not more, in her life. She deserved happiness.
“I am. I’m so happy it scares me. I think …” She paused. “No. I know I’m falling for him.”
I wanted to tell her to run from those feelings as fast as she could. Roll army style away from the crazy, gripping the dirt with greedy nails until she was so far away from those feelings and the catastrophe of being around men.
I wanted to warn her of all the bad things men could bring into your life, but I didn’t. Instead, I smiled and said, “He seems like a really nice guy.”
And I guess in a lot of ways he was, but my distrust was too strong.
That night, I laid awake in bed. Unable to sleep, I tossed and turned until I finally gave up and started to play Tetris on my phone. My eyes grew heavy after an hour of watching the colorful blocks fall down my screen, and I felt myself drifting to sleep.
Sleep was pulling me under when my phone lit up, igniting my room in a green hue. Its ringing blasted into the silence of my space, and I jerked awake.
With blurry eyes, I poked at the screen until I pressed the connect button.
“Hello?” I answered, my voice full of sleep.
“Hi. Is this Shannon Daniels?”
I leaned up onto my elbow, jarred by the desperation of the lady’s voice.
“Yes. This is she.”
“Oh, thank the Lord. My name’s Lois. I’m your grandmother’s neighbor. I found your number in the bottom of her purse.”
My heart dropped, and my breath caught in my throat.
“Yes, ma’am. What’s wrong?”
“Well, it seems your grandmother got up for a late-night snack and burned her trailer down.”
“Is she okay?” I whispered, the words feeling stuck to the sides of my mouth.
“Yes. She’s fine. The firemen found her walking down the road in her nightgown looking for her husband.”
Tossing the covers back, I grabbed at clothes in a rush to dress.
“I’m on my way,” I said into the phone before disconnecting the call.
Slamming my drawers shut as I rushed accidentally woke Lilly up. She came to the door yawning and scratching the side of her face.
“What’s going on?” she asked. “Where’s the fire?”
I paused at her choice of words, feeling like my entire world was falling apart around me.
“At my grandmother’s house,” I said.
Her face paled. “Oh, my God. I’m sorry, Shannon. Give me two minutes to put some clothes on and I’ll go with you.”
The interstate was empty, the long black asphalt looking like a highway of death, so the hour-long trip to Somersby was no match for my ninety miles per hour. Lilly gripped the little handle above the door the entire time with a stiff spine and a fear-frozen expression. Forty minutes after leaving my house, I made it to the small quiet town.
When I pulled into the trailer park, I could barely get through since so many firetrucks occupied such a small space. Instead of trying, I parked on the side of the dirt road at the entrance and hopped out of my car. Lilly was right behind me as I ran toward my grammy’s trailer, and when I got there, I couldn’t believe my eyes.
It was gone.
All of it.
Apart from the metal frame and the concrete blocks holding that frame, everything else was burned and dripping with water from where the firemen had tried to put the fire out. Loud crackling noises from the stuff still burning beneath her trailer filled the night air, and the smells of burnt aluminum stung my nose.
All my childhood memories.
Everything my pop and grammy ever owned.
It was gone.
And then I remembered Pop’s ring Grammy had given me earlier in the night, and the tears slammed into me so hard I moaned in pain.
I’d left it on her bedside table.
It was as if fate had pushed her to give me the ring on this night to keep it safe from the impending fire, and I had left it there to burn.
My future.
My precious moment.
Our lives.
Completely charred and turned to ash.
My eyes scanned the area until they landed on Grammy. She was sitting inside the ambulance with an oxygen mask covering her face.
I rushed to her, jumping into the back of the ambulance and taking her soot-covered hand.
“Grammy, what happened?” I asked, my voice sounding small and unsure.
She was my mother. She had raised me, and I had almost lost her.
She looked over at me, her aged eyes dazed and chaotic.
“Find my Shannon,” she said in a panic. “She was sleeping in her room, and they can’t find her.”
I pulled away, confused by her words.
“She’s only ten years old. She’s still in there.” Tears sprang to her eyes.
I pulled her to me and cupped the back of her head.
She wasn’t okay.
She hadn’t been okay for a long time, but I no longer had time to figure out my next move. I had to move now.
“Shh,” I soothed her. “Don’t you worry about Shannon. She’s perfectly safe.”
Lilly drove my car to the hospital, so I could ride in the back of the ambulance with Grammy. She cried the entire trip and worried about her husband and ten-year-old me. It hurt to watch her in the state she was in, but all I could do was hold her close and reassure her that everything would be fine. I couldn’t find it in my heart to tell her the truth that Pop and ten-year-old Shannon were long gone.
I had to wait in the hall while they gave Grammy a checkup, taking her blood pressure and measuring her oxygen levels. Once they finished examining her, the doctor came out and called me over to the side of the waiting room.
“How is she?” I asked.
I was stressed. My hair was piled on top of my head, and I was wearing a nice work top with skull-covered pajama bottoms and fuzzy boots. Needless to say, I looked a bit on the crazy side. I was in such a rush that I hadn’t paid attention to the clothes I grabbed.
“As far as the fire goes, she’s fine. I assume she left before the fire was large enough to cause any physical damage to her. No smoke inhalation. No burns. There is a problem, however.”
I paused, knowing exactly what he was going to say and dreading the moments that would follow from that point on.
Nodding, I said, “I know.”
“I’m afraid your grandmother is suffering from dementia. As I’m sure you’re aware, it’s usually a symptom of a more serious condition. Your grandmother can no longer live alone. I’m sorry, but you should consider having her put into a facility where she can receive proper care. I know it’s a lot, but it’s simply too dangerous for her to be alone anymore.”
Tears rushed to my eyes, and I blinked them away. I had known, but I hadn’t realized how bad it was. I thought I still had time, but apparently, I was wrong.
“Thank you,” I said, swiping at a wayward tear before he could see it.
He nodded, patted my arm, and walked away, leaving me with one of the hardest decisions I would ever have to make. I had to put my grammy in a nursing home. I had no way to afford it, and I knew it would break my heart, but I had to do it. It was for her own good. I couldn’t risk losing her.