I miss her.

I’ve never had anyone under my skin as much as Constance Shaw is. I want to hate her for what she’s done, but I can’t.

All I do is miss her.

I bury myself in a bottle of bourbon or two. My phone rings, and it could be someone looking for me to work, but I don’t care. I’m no use to anyone right now.

The hammering on the door starts when I’m lying on the couch. Some reality show’s playing on the TV, but I’m not really paying attention.

“Go away.”

“It’s Adam.”

Reluctantly, I drag myself off the couch and to the door.

He sighs when he lays eyes on me. “Dude.”

“Come in.”

I sit on the couch, and he sits beside me.

“I thought you didn’t really drink,” he says.

“There’s not been any reason to until now.”

“Still upset about Constance, then?” It’s been two weeks, and the pain’s not any better.

“Wouldn’t you be upset if Lily left?” I close my eyes. “Shit. I forgot. Fuck. I’m sorry.”

He gives me a small smile.

I run my fingers through my hair. “I miss her. I miss her arguing with me, and how she’d get so angry, and her face would get all red.”

He nods.

“And then there’s the sex. We couldn’t get enough of each other. I miss her being torn between need and guilt.” I pause. “And I miss that sweet, tight—”

“Dude. I get the point. You miss her. But right now, we have to get you together, because Mum needs us.”

“Mum?” I press through the fog that surrounds me. Mum.

“This is it, Corey. We’ve all been trying to call you.” Adam lays a hand on my shoulder. “It’s time.”

“Now?”

He nods. “Now.”

“Adam, are you …?” Lily stands in the doorway. “Oh, Corey.”

“Hey, Lil. Sorry, I’m a bit of a mess.”

She sighs. “You’ve been drinking.”

I nod. “Just a little bit.”

Her annoyed expression falls as she looks at me with sympathy I don’t want. “I’m sorry.” She pushes Adam out of the way and sits beside me on the couch. He rolls his eyes as she pulls me into a hug. “It’ll get better, Corey. I promise.”

Adam sits in a chair—Constance’s favourite chair.

“I don’t know how. Everything makes me think of her,” I reply.

She presses a kiss to my temple. “It will for a while. I’ve never seen you so down.”

“I’ve never felt so bad. Not even when Adam came back to you.” I shouldn’t say it, but I can’t help myself. It’s how I feel.

Adam leans forward.

“I loved you,” I say. “But you never loved me back. It was always Adam.”

Lily wraps her arms around me tighter.

“I’ve got this,” she says to Adam. His expression is tight, but he nods.

“I love you, Corey. You’re like a brother to me. And you’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had,” she says gently.

Adam stands, sighing as he approaches. He squats in front of me, and Lily releases me from her grasp. “It may not seem like it, Corey, but I know what you’re going through.”

“Bullshit,” I mutter.

“This is what it was like for me when I thought Lily had left me. I was so empty.” He swallows. “I know you thought I was selfish for not coming back for so long, but I was just like you are now—completely and utterly lost.”

I nod. “I guess you’re right.”

“I did some dumb stuff when all I should have done was come home. So, no more dumb stuff. Let’s get you back on track.” He smiles. “Who knows? Maybe Constance will realise what a mistake she’s made and come home too.”

Pushing myself up off Lily, I nod again. “I’ll go and have a quick shower.”

“See you in a minute. Everyone’s at Mum and Dad’s. We’ll take you,” Adam says.

“Thanks, Adam. Sorry about everything.”

He shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it. It’s done with. We know you love Constance.”

“I never told her that. I had so many opportunities, and I never said I love you. I’m an idiot.”

“Yeah, you are. But right now, you need to get into that shower and change your clothing. We need to get to Mum and Dad’s.”

“Okay.”

I stagger as we walk from the car to the house, and Adam stands by my side to hold me up. Of all the times to drink, I had to pick this one. But I didn’t know better. Mum’s been going downhill for so long, and I still didn’t see this coming.

When I reach the living room, I see most of the family’s here. By the time Adam came and got me, even Drew and Hayley had arrived.

“Where’s James?”

“He’s on his way.”

“Is there time?”

Adam lets out a loud breath. “I don’t know, mate. I hope so.”

“He’s a good kid. Maybe he has some secret girlfriend, but he’s a good kid.”

Adam chuckles. “Yeah, he is. He did stay here for a few weeks, so he’s had a lot of time with Mum lately. I still hope he gets here.”

“Where’s Dad?”

“In with Mum. Let’s get you seated, and try and sober you up a bit so you can see her.”

Ginny and Hayley occupy the couch. Ginny’s talking to Owen, and Hayley’s talking to Drew, and there’s a Corey-spaced gap between them. Of course, that’s where I have to go.

“Hey.” Hayley smiles.

I lean over and press a lingering kiss to her cheek. Enough to make Drew cock an eyebrow.

“Hey, princess,” I say.

She clamps her lips together in obvious amusement.

“How are you doing? Adam and Lily told us about Constance. I’m so sorry, Corey.”

I nod. “I miss her.”

“Drew, is there anything more I can give him to sober him up? Before he starts talking about how much he misses sex again?” Adam says.

Drew shakes his head. “Not really. Just lots of water and hope for the best.”

Ginny hands me her cup of coffee. “Here you go, Corey. Drink this.”

I take the cup. “Thanks, Gin. You are so good for Owen. Did I ever tell you that? I’ve never seen him so crazy about someone.” I pause. “Except maybe that girl he went out with when he finished high school. What was her name?”

“Pretty sure her name was Shut-The-Fuck-Up,” says Owen.

“No. That can’t have been it.” I chuckle.

“Just drink the coffee.” Hayley slips her arm around my shoulders.

“You’re the best, Hayley. I don’t know why you went back to that guy when you could have had me.”

She laughs. “Sometimes, I don’t know either.”

“Oi.” Drew narrows his eyes at her.

“But now you have those two beautiful babies. I want babies.”

“Jesus. Can someone shut him the hell up?” Owen shakes his head.

I take a sip of the coffee, and sigh. “This is so good. Constance made good coffee.”

“Glad to see you made it, Corey.” Dad approaches the couch.

“He’s a little worse for wear,” Adam says.

“I can see. Sober up a bit before you see your mum, okay?”

I nod. “Of course.”

Ava appears in the doorway. I gulp down my coffee, and hold my arms open for her. “Come here, little light of my life.”

She runs toward me, grinding to a halt before she gets to the couch and screwing up her nose.

“It’s okay, baby. I just need to drink some more water, or coffee, or something,” I say. I must smell like a brewery.

“I’ll get a glass of water,” Ginny says.

“No. You stay there. I’ll get it.” Owen stands, shaking his head at me.

Ava climbs up and onto the couch. I settle her onto my lap, and kiss the top of her head.

“What are you up to?” I ask.

“Playing with Max and Rose,” she says. “Why do you smell?”

“I’m terrible, aren’t I? First I shave my beard and freak you out, then I come here all smelly. I’m just sad, sweetheart.”

She pouts.

“I feel better now you’re here.” Tears prick my eyes as she climbs up and wraps her small arms around my neck.

“Here you go.” Owen hands me a tall glass of water, and I guzzle it down.

“Thanks, guys. I really appreciate all of this. My timing sucks.”

Hayley shakes her head. “That’s what we’re here for. I think we all understand.”

Drew places his hand on her shoulder, and the look she exchanges with him is so full of love, it stabs me in the heart.

“I just thought I had what you guys have. So if I’m a little jealous today, I’m sure you’ll understand,” I say. Drew nods. “In the meantime, I have my girl with me and everything’s better. Right Ava?”

Ava nods.

“She even loves me when I stink of alcohol.” I laugh.

“She could probably get drunk on your fumes.” Owen shakes his head.

“Nah,” I reply. Ava snuggles in against me, her head against my chest, and I lean my chin on her head. “Where are the other kids?”

“Max has hooked up his Switch to the TV in Adam’s old room, and Rose is with him. The twins are having their nap.”

“They didn’t sleep in the car?”

Drew shakes his head. “No way. They usually do, but today they were wide awake and making noise.”

“They were snoring a minute ago,” Ava says.

“Were they? Do you snore?”

She shakes her head. “No. Daddy does sometimes though. When he falls asleep on the couch.”

I laugh. “Oh, does he now?”

“Don’t tell him all my secrets.” Owen narrows his eyes at Ava, but the smile on his face shows how amused he is.

“Tell me all of the secrets.”

When I’ve got enough of my shit together, Dad takes me in to see Mum.

I’ve watched all these months as the weight dropped off her, and she lost control. Her eyes are closed, and she’s got no colour in her cheeks. Even if I hadn’t been told, I’d probably think this was it.

“Mum,” I say gently, sitting on the side of the bed.

“She knows you’re here. Doc Paton was in earlier, and gave her some pain relief. She’s been sleeping ever since.” Dad rests his hand on my shoulder.

Tears prick my eyes. I always knew it would come down to this, but now it’s here on top of the pain I’m already in. I hate it.

Mum was the one who pushed Dad to take the job and move us here. She was the one who wanted more for me, for all of us. Maybe she pushed and interfered in our lives a bit too much for our liking, but she always loved us.

“I wish this wasn’t happening,” I say.

He sighs. Exhaustion haunts his face. My heart aches for him. “Me too. But she won’t be in any pain soon, Corey. God, she loves you boys so much.”

“I’m sorry, Dad. I’m sorry I’m such a mess.”

“Broken hearts will do that to you, Corey. I understand better than you know. I’m sorry for what you’re going through.”

I stand, and wrap my arms around my father’s shoulders.

“You want to stay here for a bit with your mum?”

“Don’t you want to be in here, too?”

“You all need some time with her. The others have been in, and James isn’t too far away. Then I’ll sit with her.”

I nod. “Thanks, Dad.”

He smiles. “You know, I remember the day you were born. Your mother was so happy. She took one look at you and fell in love. Oh, she loves the others fiercely, but you—you are so special to her.”

His words stab me right in the heart. I gave them both trouble when I was younger, and although that’s way behind me, it leaves me full of guilt.

With a sigh, he pats my chest. “I hope you sort things out with your girlfriend. I’m sure she’s as upset as you are about things.”

“She left me, Dad.”

“You know, I wasn’t always good to your mother. But we worked things out. You never know.”

I sit back down as he leaves the room, and it’s quiet, just the slow and steady sound of Mum’s breathing filling the room.

Knowing that breathing will come to a stop soon is breaking my heart.

Right when I thought I had nothing left to break.

Drew and Dad are with Mum when she passes away in the evening.

It seems apt that she has a doctor with her—her beloved son, whom she was so proud of, alongside the man she loved more than anything.

I look around the room.

Drew has Hayley.

Owen has Ginny.

Adam has Lily.

They comfort each other while we respect Dad’s privacy as he sits with Mum and waits for Doc Paton to come back.

I’m lost in my thoughts when there’s a tap on my knee. Ava’s got her arms open again, and I smile as I pick her up and hug her.

“You know just what I need.” I chuckle.

“You look sad.”

“I am sad, sweetheart.”

“Why?”

I catch Owen’s gaze. She’s loud enough that’s he’s heard. I don’t think she knew Mum that well, but this kid already lost her parents a year ago. She knows what grief is.

“Ava, come over here for a second.” Owen takes her from my arms, and he, Ginny, and Ava disappear outside. I sigh at the thought of her understanding what he’s about to tell her. It’s hard when you can’t protect the little ones.

“Here you go.” Lily hands over a smiling Rose, who buries her face in my neck.

“Hey, pumpkin.” I give Lily a smile. “Thanks.”

“Everyone needs someone.” She gives me a pat on the back, and I’m left with my other favourite girl—the one who no longer has a beard to tug on.

“Dad, Dad.” Her eyes grow big.

“Yes, your dad’s right over there.” I point at Adam.

She points, too. “Dad, Dad.”

“Are you going to abandon me for your father?” I grin.

She wriggles in my arms, and I drop her down so she can run to him. Oh, to have the energy of a two-year-old.

I’m filled with an overwhelming urge to go back to the bottle and drink myself into oblivion again tonight. But surrounded by my family, my brothers who have so much love—I can’t waste my opportunities. I can’t fall to pieces when even without Constance, I have these great people to live for.

But I can’t let my mood win.