The upside to Beckett's frustration was that he kept his foot down hard on the accelerator. We flew across the remainder of Nebraska, eating up the road through half of Iowa before we called it quits for the night. Although the silence between us had eventually eroded into a more functional quiet, where we could still exchange words when necessary, we hadn’t had a true conversation since the rest stop.

Beckett let me out of the car at the front door of another cheap motel and I got us a room for the night. Thank you, Dad. Beckett didn’t speak when I told him which end of the building to park at, but after he’d pulled into the spot and killed the engine, he made no move to get out of the car.

Eyes still focused out the windshield, he said, “I get why you don’t want to wear her ring.”

“Thank you.”

“Sorry I’ve been a dick.”

“You weren’t.” He was, but I had been meeting his silence with my own, so what was I going to say? Besides, he was supposed to marry the love of his life yesterday and instead he’d married me. I guess I could understand why he’d be a little sensitive. “And you’re right, I should have a ring. We both should.”

He nodded.

For the first time I wondered if Emily had a ring for him. Where was it? Or had she not even bothered to get one, knowing in her heart she was going to call off the wedding.

“I’ll get one,” I told him. “You don’t have to worry about it. Just, not that one, okay?”

He nodded again.

“Let’s get our stuff inside.”

We untangled our most important things from the back, making several trips to the room to get it all inside. The hotel room might as well have been a copy of the one we’d stayed in last night. It was laid out identically, except in mirror image.

“This is messing with my head,” Beckett said.

“Seriously.”

Once again, we took our turns in the bathroom, washing off a day of travel and getting into pajamas. I went second tonight, coming out of the bathroom with my hair still in a towel. Beckett was sitting on the bed I’d expected to have as my own for the night, and I did a double take.

“You switched.”

“I needed to do something to stop the Twilight Zone feeling of this room.”

I smiled at him. “Okay, but if you get confused in the middle of the night and get in bed with me, I reserve the right to kick you.”

“Deal.”

I bent over, unfurling my towel and scrubbing my scalp. Brown stands of wet hair whipped around as I scrubbed, sprinkling the cheap carpet with dots of water. When I straightened, I noticed Beckett had his forearm draped over his eyes.

“You okay?”

“When you bend over like that I can see down your shirt.”

Heat rushed into my face like a firework bursting inside my head. “Oh.”

“I didn’t look,” he said.

“Good.” I shifted my feet awkwardly. “Could you turn off the light?”

He didn’t question me, uncovering his eyes to flip the switch, plunging the room into darkness. I had to wait until my vision adjusted before I could get into bed.

Once I was safely under the covers, I felt like I could breathe again. The sound of rustling sheets told me Beckett was restless.

“Everything all right?” I asked.

“Yeah, sure.” More rustling. A long silence, then more rustling. “I can’t stop thinking about her tonight.”

“Understandable.”

“It’s so fucked up. I don’t even really miss her because I never fucking saw her. But in my head I know that I was supposed to be with her right now. We were going to get married, Em. Married.” He said it like it was something completely separate from what we did in Las Vegas. I guessed it was, when it came down to it.

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly.

“I’m just so fucking pissed at her! I cannot believe she couldn’t bother to tell me the fucking truth all this time. She knew. She knew she’d pulled out of Middlesex. She knew she’d signed up for classes at Arizona. The last time I saw her, she already knew all this and she lied to my face.” His voice broke.

My heart clenched. “Beck, I’m so sorry.”

His voice was barely audible over a wet breath. “Fuck.”

I scrambled out of bed and stepped across to sit on the edge of his bed, my hands searching the dark for him. I found his torso under the sheets and worked my way up to his shoulders, leaning in and wrapping my arms around him. He stiffened at first, then pulled me tight to him, pulling my feet off the floor. In a blur of motion, I ended up on the bed beside him, my legs draped over his hip and his face buried in my neck. I couldn’t see him, but the wetness of his tears on my skin and the sound of his hitching breath were all the evidence I needed that he was crying. My own eyes burned in sympathy.

“I’m so sorry,” I repeated, holding on as if I could keep him from flying apart.

He mumbled something I couldn’t understand, but his arms tightened around me. He wanted me there, that much I could tell. For as many days as I’d spent with him over the last week, I hadn’t seen him cry. He’d seemed numb. Lost at times. Occasionally angry, or even despondent, but there were no tears until now.

I just held on as best I could, hoping it was enough. The air conditioning kicked on, making my bare legs rash in goosebumps until I started to shiver involuntarily. With a sudden gymnastic maneuver, Beckett yanked the blanket out from beneath me and swooped me under it with him. His body heat was a welcome relief and I gave one more mighty shiver as the cold started to leave me.

For a long time we stayed that way, huddled in each other’s arms beneath a scratchy motel blanket, until Beck seemed to run out of tears.

“Better?” I asked, when his arms relaxed around me.

“No,” he said miserably.

“Oh. Right.”

He sighed. “I’m sorry, Em.”

“Don’t be.”

“I’ve been trying really hard to keep it together, but…” He sighed again. “I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“Of course you can’t, you idiot.” I stroked his head, even though his short hair didn’t really move under my hands. “It’s all still new. And it’s been a weird couple of days. I think it’s okay that you’re feeling a little off.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry this is all happening at once. I wish you’d had more time to deal with Emily before you ended up stuck with me.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Yeah, but it still sucks.”

He chuckled softly. “It really does. It really fucking sucks.”

I smiled, even though he couldn’t see me. “Does that make you feel better? Saying it out loud, I mean?”

“Sort of.”

“Then say it again.”

“This really fucking sucks.”

“This sucks!” I agreed, raising my voice a bit.

“I’m not going louder,” he said.

“Spoilsport.”

There was a pause and then he hollered, “This really fucking sucks!” so loudly I jumped and slammed my hands over my ears.

Someone pounded on the wall above our heads and we both giggled.

“See?” I said, “It helps.”

“Maybe a little.”

It was so warm under the blankets, I could have easily gotten drowsy. It was clearly time to disentangle myself before I dozed off.

“All right, lemme up.” I struggled free of our tangle and shivered in the cool room as I went back to my bed. “Get some sleep, okay?”

“Thanks, Emmy.”