CHAPTER NINETEEN
Beth
“What did you just say?”
“Ah, excuse me, please. I need to …” I needed to get away from him, I had not been expecting to see Nash again, not yet, well not until I had a chance to work out how I wanted to tell him about the baby. The visit to the doctor on Monday had confirmed that I was indeed 100% pregnant and now I was 100% in a tailspin.
I try to move past him, but Nash gently grabs my arm, and I can’t bring myself to pull away, his touch felt like he had never left. I wanted to throw myself into his arms, and have him comfort me and tell me we’d be okay, and he would be there for me and our baby. But I knew expecting that was only stuff fairytales are made of.
When he drops his hand I use it as my opportunity to escape. I rush out the door toward the ladies bathroom. Ever since the pregnancy had been confirmed I had terrible bouts of morning sickness, luckily Julia was oblivious.
Instead, she had spent most of the week out of the office, so it had given me a reprieve for having to explain the multiple toilet dashes I had needed to do, I had even once thrown up in the wastebasket at my desk.
Locking the stall, I put the seat down on the toilet and sit, waiting for my heart rate to return to normal and catch my breath.
Less than a minute passes when I hear the bathroom door open, and as soon as I hear his footsteps I know it is Nash.
“Beth, are you in here?”
“Yes, but you shouldn’t be, this is the ladies bathroom, Nash.”
“I know what it is, Beth, and I know you were running away from me again. I thought we were past this.” I could tell from his tone he was trying not to be pissed off.
“What do you want?” I felt like I was back in high school and I was running away from a bully to eat my lunch. But I wasn’t in high school, I was a god damn grown woman and Nash wasn’t a bully, but I was still running away. The echo of our words shattered the illusion of privacy. The words echoing unnaturally off the walls.
“I want you to come out here and talk to me, sweetheart.”
“No.”
“Beth, don’t be childish.” He was right, I was being childish, and I sigh before unlocking the cubicle. Opening the door I hadn’t expected to see the concern on Nash’s face, but there it was.
“You’re pregnant?” All I can muster was a nod. “How?”
I roll my eyes, his stupid question irritated me, if he didn’t know how then maybe he shouldn’t have been doing anything that causes it. I push past him to wash my hands. The cool water soothing as it trickled across my skin.
“I don’t mean how, I just…” He runs his hand through his hair, I am jealous of that hand, I wish it were mine. “Is it mine?” His question was like he had slapped me in the face with that I had just been so jealous of. Narrowing my eyes at him through the mirror, I spin around to face him.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I could hear my voice raise, I was on the verge of becoming hysterical; something else I did not do in public.
“I just mean, I thought we used protection, we were careful.”
“It is yours, but don’t worry Nash, it is not your responsibility and obviously we weren’t as careful as you thought.” The anger I had been feeling was taken over by the tears I could feel burning behind my eyes.
I storm past him and I’m grateful he doesn’t follow me immediately. When I get back to my desk Julia has arrived and is at hers, I needed the distraction of the work she’d dumped on my desk. For the first time ever I was grateful to Julia for her lack of accountability.
“Darling, could you please come in for a moment?”
“Sure Julia.” I do my best to square my shoulders and blow out a breath to gather myself before stepping through the doorway into her office. “Did you need something?”
“Mr. Gibson will be back in the office today.” She looks over my shoulder. “Oh, here he is now.” She calls for Nash to join us, he appears to have gathered his composure and has fixed his professional mask back in place.
“Good morning, Julia, nice to see you again.”
“Beth, Mr. Gibson, I’m sorry,” Julia falters before pasting on her signature smile. “Nash, will be here until the end of the project. I expect you will be as helpful to him as you were Angus.”
I can easily read the flash of anger cross Nash’s face, he has misinterpreted Julia’s meaning, and it is clear he is jealous because of it and I have no intention of correcting him, let him think what he wants because as far as I am concerned he has cemented himself back at arsehole status.
Nash doesn’t attempt to speak to me again during the day, nor does he ask for any of my help, not even when Julia left the office for a meeting did he try to make eye contact.
They are both still working when I shut my computer down and leave for the day, riding the empty elevator down to the ground floor I had never felt more alone. I was tempted to climb again and run back to the office into Nash’s arms, I can’t deny that I was drawn to him or that I seek comfort in his arms.
I had just started to fill the tub with what when there was a knock at the door. Turning the taps back off I leave to answer it.
It feels like my heart almost stops as the door opens, revealing the intruder. “Nash? What are you doing here?”
“I think we have a bit to talk about. Don’t you?”
Staying silent, I allow him to enter. He follows me to the living room but doesn’t sit next to me on the sofa, instead takes a seat sitting on the opposite side of the room from me, dwarfing the space with his masculine frame.
“I’m sorry for how I reacted before. It was a shock, and I thought we had been smart.” Nash is on edge and his words hurt more than they should.
“I’m not making this up, Nash, and I’m not trying to trap you if that is what you think. Like I said before this baby isn’t your responsibility, I have made the decision to keep him or her, and so I’m taking full responsibility for raising him or her.” I sit on the couch, my legs no longer feeling like I can trust them to hold me upright.
“What if I want to take responsibility?” Nash moves from his seat to sit beside me, twisted to face me so our knees are almost touching.
“I don’t need your money, we don’t need your money.” My hand automatically covers my stomach, drawing Nash’s eyes down.
“Can we step back a minute? I’m still trying to get my head around this.”
“You’re not the only one.” I laugh, but there is no humour in it.
“How pregnant are you?”
“You mean other than 100%?” His question seems ridiculous and I do my best not to laugh out loud.
“No, sweetheart. How far along?” His voice softens.
“Almost five weeks.” I can see he is confused. “Pregnancy is worked out on the last –,” I shake my head, choosing to save him the more intimate details, “It doesn’t matter.” .
“Oh. I don’t mean any disrespect Beth, but you’re sure it is mine.”
“No question, you have been the only man I have been with for a while, and definitely the only one who I have been stupid enough to screw without protection.”
I can see him processing the timeline, and then it dawns on him. “Oh, the shower.”
“Yeah.” I press my lips into a hard line.
“How have you been feeling?” The genuine concern in his voice almost bringing me undone, tipping the fragile emotional edge I was already teetering on.
“You mean other than over emotional and irrational? I’m tired and achy all over, I was about to have a bath before you interrupted.” I pout.
“Does it help?”
“Does what help?” Now it was my turn to be confused.
“The bath. Does it help relax you?”
“Most of the time.”
“Come on then, let’s get you in the tub.”
“What? No.” Being naked around him was far too intimate and it was more than I could handle right now.
“Okay then, you go soak and I will order some dinner, when you get out we are going to talk about this some more.”
“You don’t get to come in here being all demanding and acting like an arsehole, Nash.” What did he think there was to discuss, I’ve already decided that I was going to keep the baby, it was my decision to make because it was my body and I have already started to work things out financially on how we will live. I didn’t want any help or complication from Nash.
“Fine, forget about the god damn food, but you don’t get to make this choice for the both of us, or the three of us and then push me away. You told me you wouldn’t run, Beth, and there you are lacing up your fucking trainers.” I could see the anger in him beginning to mount, he was repeatedly clenching and releasing his hands.
“And you don’t get to yell at me, Nash.” I say back, my own voice rising with frustration.
“Well, you don’t get to make decisions on your own that will have an effect on both of our lives.”
“Is that your way of telling me you want me to get rid of the baby? Because it isn’t going to have any effect on your life. This is my decision.”
“No, that is not what I am saying, but it would’ve been nice if we could’ve discussed it before any decision was made either way.”
“You weren’t here!” I raise my voice at him again.
“That shouldn’t make one fucking bit of difference, Beth. I would’ve thought you could’ve at least removed your head from your arse long enough to call me about such a huge decision.” He stands and begins to pace. Running his hands through his hair, his tell I’d come to realise of his frustration. “It’s called common courtesy, Beth.”
“Oh really, you wanted me to call you back in London, tell you that you had knocked me up and then what, Nash? How did you see this little fairytale playing out for us? A monthly cheque and cards on birthdays?”
“Is that how you see this fairytale playing out? I mean, of course, it would help with feeling miserable about the whole situation, and it gives you a convenient scapegoat, right?”
“What would you know about misery, Nash, and who are you to judge me on how I’m going to raise my child.”
“Our child.” He corrects me.
“The last thing this child is going to do is grow up in a home where it feels like it is not good enough, or it’s worthy of love. If you aren’t even going to be in the same country as where the baby lives then I can’t see how you think an occasional visit or phone call is going to be enough for it to feel safe and supported in its life.”
Nash recoils as if I’d slapped him, “This isn’t about me as a dad, Beth, this is about you as a mother. So you want to be honest with me for once and tell me what the truth is here?”
I had said too much, and Nash has realised it. He was beginning to see right through me, and that alone was starting to scare me.
“The truth? You want to hear about being the child in the shadows, the one who couldn’t shine on her own after being reminded repeatedly David was better at sports. David was smarter. David was more popular. David had better career goals and how proud they were of him? Do you want to know that even after his death David is still the favourite child? I can’t even do the right thing by them by still being alive.” A sob escapes me, but the anger burns brighter than the tears in the back of my eyes. “David was so thoughtful. David was so accommodating. David always called Mum on her birthday. David always had such amazing stories. David was going to get married to the love of his life and have 3.2 children, live in the perfect house with the perfect wife and perfect children, working the perfect job.” I twist my hands together, still on the verge of tears. Struggling to not let the anger defeat or weakening me.
“Beth, if your parents make you feel like they can only see what you aren’t, then they’re missing out on everything you are.” Nash stops pacing, joining me on the sofa. “Sweetheart, you are the most stubborn and determined woman I have ever met. You’re stunning and demanding and so incredibly generous and loving. I love how fierce you are, and how you can call me out and that you have a tendency to level me with just an arched eyebrow. This baby of ours is going to be lucky if they grow up half as strong and resilient as you are. You should know I have no intentions of being a part-time parent, I will fight you on that if you think I’m going to let you push me away and do it on your own.”
“Is that a threat Nash? Do you think you are going to challenge me for custody?”
“No, sweetheart, I’m telling you that you won’t be doing this on your own. No matter what it takes.”