Derek had no idea what he was going to say. He’d come up with ideas and then, as soon as he saw Olivia and the wide-eyed look of a woman deeply hurt by his actions, all of those ideas had slipped right from his mind.
She stood in front of him wearing soft leggings and a shirt that had seen better days, with her hair piled on the top of her head in a clip thing. And she’d never looked sexier. Even with the redness of her eyes and the puffiness of her face that told him she’d been crying, he thought her beautiful.
And he’d been the one to put those tears in her eyes and that look on her face.
Him.
Because he hadn’t been able to stay when he should have. Because he’d been blindsided and needed time to think. It might have been what he needed, but he’d hurt her in the process, and now he’d just have to hope that she would forgive him for it.
“Thanks for letting me in,” he said, not sure where to start. He was better with his hands and his words when it came to others. He was never one to easily figure out what to do with his own life and decisions, but he could help others work through theirs.
Now, he needed to work for himself.
And hope to hell that Olivia understood.
“I’m honestly surprised you’re here.” She wrung her hands in front of her, then let out a little half laugh, half sigh. “And I have no idea what to say to you. Should I ask you to sit down? Offer tea? A beer? I’m not the best at social interactions on a good day, but with you? I’m so far out of my depth, it’s not even funny.”
Derek reached out to take her hand, thought better of it, then did it anyway. Her eyes widened, but she didn’t pull away.
“I don’t need to sit. I don’t need a drink. And I hate the fact that we’re so awkward around each other right now. The one thing we never were before was awkward.” He paused. “Even when we were kids.”
“Derek. You don’t have to talk about that…that time.”
“I know, but the thing is, I think I do need to talk about it. I don’t have anyone to talk about it with now.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, a frown on her face.
Derek let out a breath. He hadn’t meant to get into this part, but he needed her to know everything. There could be no more secrets between the two of them.
“Maybe we should sit down,” he said softly. “It’s a long story.”
“They always are,” she said wryly before taking her hand back and leading him to the living room. He’d seen her place before and had wanted to see more, wanted to know more about her, and he hoped that after they talked today, she’d let him into her life beyond noticing the color of the couch and throw pillows.
They’d just have to see.
Soon, they were sitting next to each other, the awkwardness settling in, so he just started talking. The quicker he got this part over with, the faster they could get to the part he’d actually tried to practice.
“After the accident, my mom pulled me out of school, pulled me out of everything really. She wanted to keep me safe all while not really talking to me. Dad let it happen because he…well, he didn’t care.”
“Derek.”
“No, it’s the truth. Mom went into an overprotective and blaming mode. Dad went into a weird ice mode where he pulled away from everything and everyone. We moved soon after the accident, Mom not wanting to be near where Stacey had been.” He paused. “I never saw you again after the funeral. And even then, I don’t remember much about that. You know?”
She reached out and gripped his hand, and he held onto her, grateful that she’d been the one to touch him this time.
“I don’t remember the funeral at all,” Olivia said. “I thought I might one day, but I think my mind blocked it. It didn’t block the day everything happened, but it did block that.”
“We were both kids, Olivia. Of course, our minds wouldn’t let us remember everything.” He cleared his throat. “Anyway, Dad didn’t last in the house. He left us pretty quickly, and Mom broke down. I don’t really think she ever put herself back together again, though I’ve tried to help with that. She’s…she’s not the same. Not well. And no matter how much help she gets, she’ll always rely on me to keep her together even if she doesn’t really want that.”
“That’s horrible, Derek. I’m so, so sorry.”
“It is horrible, but it’s not my whole life, Olivia. That’s what I’m trying to circle around. What happened before when we were kids was a horrible accident. But it was an accident. I never once blamed you for what happened. I never even blamed the driver. I think I blamed God for a while, but now I don’t have any blame, just a sense of loss.”
Olivia wiped her eyes, and he leaned forward to brush his thumb along her cheek, helping her. He loved touching her, needed to touch her.
“I blamed myself for too long, but until it all came back with you, I hadn’t blamed myself in years.”
“We were kids, Olivia. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were warning her, and even if you weren’t, you were playing. Hell, I blamed myself, not you. Never you.”
“You?” Her eyes were wide. “Why on earth would you blame yourself? You weren’t even there.”
“You’re right. I wasn’t. I didn’t protect my little sister. And, yeah, it doesn’t make sense, but that’s how our brains work through grief, through blame and nonsense until we can breathe again. But it was over twenty years ago, Olivia. And no matter what happened, we’re not those kids anymore. Yeah, the scars still cover us, but they’re not the only things about us.”
“I just hate the fact that you look at me and remember her. That’s why it hurts so much.”
He let out a curse under his breath. “I look at the sky and remember her. I always remember her. She was my little sister. I should remember her. You being in my life now doesn’t change that. Yeah, it brought some sore aspects of that memory back to the surface, but sometimes that happens on its own without anything to trigger it. It’s not you, Olivia.”
“But you left. You heard the truth, and you left. I understood that, though. It was too much. We…we were living in our own world with our own promises. There were no true promises between us to keep things going.”
Derek leaned forward even more, cupping her cheeks. “I left because it all came back, not because of what you did or said. Because you didn’t do anything. We’ve been circling around each other, being the faded parts of ourselves rather than facing each other. I was shocked, yes, but not because of what happened when we were kids, but because we were connected more than I’d ever thought. I shouldn’t have left, but I should have taken a step long before this. We were only together once a month because I thought it would be easy. I thought I could walk away and not have to feel again, but I was wrong.”
“What are you saying, Derek?”
“Be with me. Take a chance on me. I went into that hotel room wanting to ask you to be with me, to see what we could be outside of a room where we keep rules and try not to fall in too deep. But even when I told you to call me Derek, I knew I wanted more. I need more, Olivia. And I hope you do too because I want you in my life. You’ve always been a part of it, but on the periphery. Now, I want you to be part of all of it. Can you do that? Can you look at me and not only see Stacey but what we could have, as well? Stacey will always be a part of us, it’s inevitable. And that’s okay. She should be part of us, but not the biggest part, not the only part. I want you in my life, Olivia. But I need to know what you want, too.”
Olivia blinked a few times, then smiled. “You…you surprise me more every time I see you. I thought it would be too much to see me and think of her, but you’re right, Stacey is a part of my life no matter what.” She turned her head, kissed the palm of his hand. “I don’t know if it’ll work, Derek. We know each other, but then again, we don’t. I’m not ready to promise forevers, but I want to promise todays. I want so much more. Just like you. And I’ve been so scared to want that, terrified to even dare mention it. If I voiced it, then it would be real, and I could feel the hurt when it didn’t happen.”
Derek only had to lean forward a few inches to brush his lips along hers. She took a quick intake of breath before she kissed him back.
“I’ve always been afraid of forevers, but I’ve always loved our nights. I want more of them, Olivia. I want days, too. I want it all. But you need to tell me what you want exactly. I need the words from you, not just my wants.”
“I want you, Derek. I told myself I shouldn’t, but I always did. Those nights we had together were what I looked forward to every month, and I was always afraid that one time you wouldn’t be there. That was my worst fear.”
“I was always there, Olivia. I’m always going to be there.”
He kissed her again, and she moaned beneath him.
“It won’t be easy,” she whispered. “We don’t have all the answers.”
He thought about learning each other, the fact that they would have to see who they were as a couple rather than just a promise. He thought about how she would fit into his complicated life, and how he could fit into Olivia’s.
“We’ll make it work. We fought for what we’ve had so far, and we’ll keep fighting. But, Olivia? The reward is going to be worth it. Don’t you think?”
She licked her lips, and he leaned back so he could watch her face. “It’s already worth it, and I’m not afraid to work.” She paused. “I’m just afraid to lose you.”
“You won’t lose me.”
“Then show me.”
Her eyes darkened, and he let out a little growl. “I thought you’d never ask.”
Then he kissed her again, this time a little harder, a little longer, before standing up. “Derek?”
He grinned and then reached down to pick her up. “I figured our first time as an us, rather than an idea, should be in your bed. What do you say? We’ve made the hotel ours, but let’s try something new.”
She pointed down the hallway. “Second door on the right. Make it fast, Derek, before I wake up and realize this is all a dream.”
He kissed her as he walked, making sure to keep her safe and not fall along the way. “It’s our dream then, only a waking one.”
When they got to the bedroom, he carefully set her down on the bed, then kissed her some more. Their hands roamed over each other, their breaths coming in pants. When he stripped her out of her clothes, he laughed some as he tried to take off her sports bra.
“This thing is the bane of my existence. Not so much with the sexy lace, you know?” she said with a sultry laugh.
“You’re so fucking sexy,” he growled then bent over her so he could take one dark nipple into his mouth. Then he sucked on the other one, and she arched against him.
He quickly licked down her body before kissing her right over her wet and hot pussy. When she called his name, he leaned back and stripped out of his clothes, not wanting a single barrier between them except for the condom he slid along his length. He would discuss that and more with her later, but for now, it was just the two of them, the feel of them, their need.
“I’m going to taste more of you later, but I need to be inside you, Liv. I need more of you. Can you handle me? Make it just us, quick and hard, then go soft and slow next time?”
She licked her lips, then reached between their bodies, gripping the base of his cock tightly enough to make his eyes cross.
“I can do that. I know your body, Derek. You know mine. Let’s remind each other of that, then learn the rest.”
“I can do that.” He leaned down and kissed her again, needing her taste, then slowly, oh so slowly, he entered her. Her heat, tight, wet, and perfect for him. As soon as he was fully seated, she lifted her hips, squeezing him even more, then gasped.
“Move, Derek. I need you to move.”
“For you? Always.”
And he moved.
They kissed, touched, and arched for each other until she came around him, and he followed soon after. He didn’t stop touching her even as they lay together before going for another round, this one slower, and somehow, even hotter.
He had his Olivia, the woman of his dreams, the woman who had been the center of his nights and what he looked forward to each month for far too long, and he knew he’d want for nothing else.
She was his everything, and he couldn’t wait to learn more of her in the coming days, over the coming nights.
Because she was truly his, just as he was hers.
And despite the rules he’d given himself, he’d learned her and would learn more. He’d have more than a single night a month, and he’d make all the promises in the world.
And in the end, he’d keep them.
For her.
His Olivia.
His promise.
His future.
His.