With a cup of coffee in hand, Ty sat down at his kitchen table and opened his laptop. He felt like a student again with his weekends dedicated to homework, except this time homework was trying to find a new job.
In fact, it was worse than Ty’s first job-hunting experience straight out of school. The job market was bad for journalists these days. Too many young graduates willing to work absurd hours for no pay. Ty didn’t mind the long hours, but he wanted the pay.
Out of the dozens of unread emails, one caught his eye. It was from a grad school friend who he’d reached out to earlier this week. As he clicked on the email, he told himself not to get his hopes up.
After the standard greetings and pretending to care about what the other person had been up to during the past several years came the good stuff: Behind the Veil was hiring. Behind the Veil—Ty had heard of them before. They were a startup investigative journalism outfit that put out a podcast series last year. They’d gotten great reviews and a bit of a fan following if Twitter was to be trusted.
Ty clicked on the link to the job posting. They wanted to transition to video episodes and they needed a bigger research team. Was that something Ty could do? He hadn’t done any investigative journalism since grad school, but he remembered enjoying it. Chasing down leads, digging through documents—it was hard, tedious work, but there was always that euphoria after cracking open a case.
This would be a sideways move if anything. And the pay was decent, but not great. Ty read through the job description again, trying to imagine himself in that role. What the hell, he figured. ANN hadn’t gotten back to him; he should assume the worst.
Ty shot a thank-you note back to his friend and went to find the Behind the Veil podcast on his phone. Right as he picked it up, it rang. Unknown caller. He tapped the Answer button.
“Tyler Ang.”
“Ty, it’s Izzy. Is Cam with you?”
He frowned at the unexpected question. “No, why would he be?” He’d tried calling a couple of times since their unfortunate blowup a week and a half ago, but Cam hadn’t answered. At this rate, he very much doubted he’d hear from the man anytime soon. He told himself he wasn’t disappointed about that.
“Shit.” She sighed into the phone.
Ty frowned at her tone, alarm bells going off in his head. “What’s wrong?”
Her hesitation only made Ty fear the worst. “I can’t find Cam. No one’s seen him for two days.”
Ty’s brain kicked into high gear, and he stood to pace around his kitchen. He started compiling a list of places to look, people to call. “You’ve checked with all his friends?”
The memory of Cam seeking comfort from Ty flashed through his mind. He’d turned him down, so maybe Cam had gone to seek that elsewhere. His gut clenched at the idea of Cam with someone else.
“Of course I have.” It was clear she thought that was a stupid question. “Cary hasn’t seen him and can’t get him on the phone. And I’m calling you. So, no, he isn’t with his friends.”
“There’s no one else?”
A pause. “Really? Have you seen him hanging out with anyone other than me, you, and Cary?”
She had a point. Ty stopped in front of his window and ran his free hand through his hair. “Have you checked his apartment? Maybe he’s passed out at home and isn’t answering his phone.”
“Not yet. I was going to go over there after I called you.” Her quiet hitch of breath tugged at Ty’s heart.
Ty squeezed his eyes shut. Goddamn it, Cam. He wasn’t even here and he was still burrowing deeper into Ty’s personal space and taking up room. “Did anything happen over the past couple of days? Anything unusual?”
“Honestly? I don’t even know what’s unusual anymore.” Ty could imagine Izzy waving her hands around in exasperation. “I spoke with him on Wednesday. He got upset when I tried mentioning a therapist again.”
“Explain what you mean by upset.”
Another pause. Longer this time. “He yelled at me again,” she said, her voice flat with annoyance, but Ty could hear the unspoken distress. “And then he went on some rant about his boss wanting him to get help too, and . . . about you.”
Great. He paced back to his kitchen table, where his coffee had grown cold.
“He makes it sound like we’re all out to get him. Like going to see a therapist is tantamount to getting a lobotomy or something,” Izzy continued as Ty stuck his coffee mug into the microwave. “Listen. I know this is a lot to ask, but . . . would you mind coming to his apartment with me? I think I’m going to need backup.”
The microwave hummed while Ty turned the request over in his mind. “Izzy, I don’t know if that’s a good idea. We kind of . . . had a fight.”
“So?”
“So, he hasn’t returned any of my calls for the past week and a half. I don’t think he wants to see me.” Ty gripped the edge of the kitchen counter.
“Ty, I’m pretty sure all Cam wants right now is to drink himself into oblivion. He doesn’t want to see any of us.”
Izzy and all her good points.
The microwave dinged, and Ty stared at the stainless-steel box, his coffee waiting inside. Who was he kidding? There was no way he’d be able to sit in his kitchen and job search knowing Cam was out there somewhere, probably drunk and getting into trouble. Something changed in that moment, as Cam broke through his defenses and invaded his personal space. It felt inevitable, like every interaction they’d had over the past months had led to this moment.
“Okay, fine.” Ty resigned himself to an afternoon of traipsing around the city. He left his coffee in the microwave and turned toward his bedroom. “I can meet you at Cam’s apartment in forty-five minutes.”
“Thank you!” Izzy inhaled loudly, as if she’d been dragged from the water and taken her first full breath of air.
“Don’t thank me, yet. We still have to find the bastard.”
The building superintendent didn’t want to let them in. But Ty turned on his charm, and Izzy did that hair flip thing that girls did, and they somehow convinced the guy to let them into Cam’s apartment. Ty wasn’t sure what he expected to find when the super unlocked the door: maybe Cam passed out on his bed, finally getting some much-deserved sleep.
What they found made Ty’s heart drop into the pit of his stomach. The minute the door opened, they were greeted by the stench of cigarette smoke, alcohol, and the musty, mildewy smell of dirty clothes. Next to him, Izzy gasped as she covered her mouth with her hand.
They ventured into the kitchen first, where dishes were piled high in the sink and take-out containers were scattered across the counter. The window in the living room was wide open, letting in gusts of cold autumn air that did nothing to clear out the stench. The glass jar of ash and cigarette butts lay on its side.
Random pieces of clothing littered the couch, the coffee table, the floor, and in the bedroom the sheets were in a tangled pile, half hanging off the bed. Empty liquor bottles were scattered throughout the apartment as if Cam had dropped them wherever he happened to finish the last sip. From behind her hand, Izzy made little half-gasp and half-sobbing sounds. When Ty put a comforting hand on her arm, she turned to him and leaned her forehead against his shoulder.
“Oh my god, Ty, what happened?” she whispered.
He shook his head, arms around her shoulders. “I don’t know. But if this is what his apartment looks like, I can’t imagine what state he’s in.”
“We need to find him.”
He couldn’t have agreed more.
“You guys are going to clean this shit up, right?” Ty had forgotten about the super, who stood at the bedroom door with his hands on his hips, glaring around the apartment in disgust. Ty didn’t blame him. “’Cause we can evict him for shit like this, you know.”
With a quick squeeze on Izzy’s shoulder, he made sure she was steady on her feet before ushering the super back to the front door and out to the elevators.
“Yeah, we’ll clean it up. Don’t worry about that.” Ty dug into his pocket for his wallet. “Listen, the family is going through a tough time, and we’d appreciate your discretion in this matter.” He pulled out a fifty. “We need a couple of minutes here, and then we’ll get out of your hair. Thanks so much for your help.”
He stuck out his hand for a shake, the fifty tucked neatly inside. The super smiled as he clasped hands with Ty. “Yeah, sure. We all go through tough times. As long as the place is cleaned up, we’re all good. You hear me?”
“We’ll hire professional cleaners. There won’t be a trace of the mess.”
With a nod, the super got into the elevator, and Ty made his way back to Cam’s apartment.
God, Cam. What the fuck happened? Where the hell are you?
He thought back to the last time he’d seen Cam, wild and lost. Ty went to the window and pushed it shut, cutting off the cold November air. He righted the toppled glass jar but left the ashes spilled over the windowsill. Izzy was still in the bedroom, crouched down and examining something in her hand.
She didn’t look up when he came in. “It’s Cam’s phone.” She had it plugged into its charger, and they waited in silence as it booted up again. As soon as it connected to the network, messages started popping up on the lock screen, most of them from Izzy, a few from their mom and Cary. The last were the ones Ty had left earlier that day.
“It doesn’t look like he’s checked his phone for the past few days.” Izzy scrolled through them. “Shit.”
“What about his work?” Ty cast about for another phone. “Do you think he would have shown up at the office?”
“I don’t know.” Izzy stood and left the charging phone on the nightstand. “I tried the UN switchboard yesterday, but the number they put me through rang and rang. I can’t imagine him being functional like this, though.”
“Yeah, I agree.”
“Fuck.” Izzy turned and went back to the living room, picking up clothes as she went. “I don’t know where else to look. I was really banking on him being here.” She dropped the clothes in a pile on the couch and dug her fingers into her red mane. She turned to Ty, eyes blazing. “And how can you be so calm?”
“Who says I’m calm?” Ty frowned, crossing his arms over his chest. He felt far from calm. He felt . . . There was no one word to describe how he felt, but it wasn’t entirely unfamiliar. The sense of confusion was distinct, as was the frustration laced with anger. The last time he’d felt like this, he’d only been a child, faced with the incomprehensible concept of losing his mother; being an adult apparently did nothing to diminish the strength of those emotions.
“Well, you look too fucking calm for all of this.” Izzy strode out of the living room, and Ty followed her into the kitchen, where she began collecting empty bottles and setting them at the end of the counter. “I’m over here freaking out and cleaning. I never clean! And you’re standing there, cool and collected, and—” She braced her hands on the edge of the counter and hung her head forward.
“Hey.” Ty went over and put a hand on her arm again. “I know you’re worried. I may not show it, but I’m worried too.”
“Yeah.” She shrugged him off and went to stare at the dishes in the sink.
An idea popped into his head: there was one place he could check. “I’ve got some contacts in the police department. I can give them a call and see if they’ve picked him up somewhere.”
Izzy spun around, her hair flying over her shoulder. “Like arrested? You think he might have been arrested?”
Ty raised both hands, palms out. “I don’t know, but it’s a possibility. To be honest”—he dropped his hands—“it might not be the worst thing to happen.”
Izzy’s frown deepened, and Ty was struck by how similar her mannerisms were to Cam’s. She opened her mouth to say something but was interrupted by the ringing of a phone.
“Shit.” Izzy dug into her bag and pulled out her phone. “Yeah?” She went back into the living room with the phone pressed to her ear.
“Shit, sorry. I forgot the time.” Her tone changed from apologetic to annoyed. “Well, I’m having a bit of a family emergency here, so— Yeah, yeah, fine, I get it. Give me, like, twenty minutes. I’ll be there.”
She strode into the kitchen, stuffing her phone back into her bag with more force than necessary. “I’ve got to run to a shoot. Princess no-name model is having a hissy fit about being kept waiting.”
“You go. I’ll get in touch with my contacts and let you know if I hear anything.”
“Yeah? You sure?”
“Yeah, go do your thing. I’ll take care of it.”
Izzy smiled, a small tilt of the lips. Then, before he could anticipate it, she stepped in close, put both hands on his shoulders, and leaned up to plant a kiss on his cheek. “Thanks, Ty. We owe you one.”
He nodded, and she disappeared out the door. He went back into the bedroom and checked on Cam’s phone. It was still charging, so he left it on the nightstand.
Instead, Ty pulled out his own phone and scrolled through the contact list until he found the number for his police contact.
“Hello?”
“Hey, it’s Tyler Ang. I’ve got a favor to ask.”
There were voices off in the distance, whisperings that edged closer and threatened to invade his dark place. Cam burrowed down further, seeking the depths where nothing could penetrate the heavy cloak of black that enveloped him. But the depths were thinning, the voices grew louder, and Cam found himself floating to the surface.
Cold underneath him, cold pressed against his side. Something bright shone into his eyes, and something hard dug into his back. Groaning, he tried to bring his arm up to cover his eyes while he rolled over. The movement was miscalculated, and suddenly he found himself falling. It lasted for only a second before he hit the solid, unforgiving floor.
He groaned again. His limbs and joints ached, and his head pounded like some alien was trying to escape from his skull. He tried an experimental blink, and his vision filled with flashes of gray, blurry with white light around the edges. He tried it again, and after a second a concrete floor materialized underneath him. Where the hell was he?
With weak limbs, Cam tried to push himself to sitting, only to fall back against the narrow ledge of a bench behind him. He winced as it hit him across his back.
“Good morning, sleeping beauty.” The low rumbling voice was familiar, but Cam couldn’t even tell what direction it had come from, never mind label it with an identity.
A loud clang reverberated off to his right, and he flinched away from it, covering his ears from the assault.
“You going to get up? Or are you planning on spending another night in here?”
Another night? What the hell? Cam covered his face with his hands, rubbing at his eyes and scratching at the stubble that bordered on a beard. Oh god, he felt like shit. “Fuck off.”
“Oh . . .” The low rumbling voice had an equally low and rumbling laugh. “He lives.”
Cam squinted against the harsh lights and dared to peek up to the right where he thought the voice was coming from. Though his vision was still fuzzy around the edges, the long, jeans-clad legs of Tyler Ang were unmistakable, as were the narrow hips and broad shoulders covered in a tight gray T-shirt under a tailored wool coat. The hair was its usual coifed perfection, and those lips curled in an amused grin. Amused at him, Cam’s half-functioning brain noted, as he sat on the floor of a . . . was this a jail cell?
“Where the hell am I?”
Ty let out a chuckle. “You don’t know?”
Cam shot him his best glare. “Would I be asking if I did?”
“You’re at the Twenty-fourth Precinct.” Ty’s statement was decidedly void of amusement. “Do you remember how you ended up here?”
Cam hung his head and tried to pull up his last coherent memories. Some of them came in flashes: a police car, a park bench, stumbling out of a bar. Then further back there was a phone call with Izzy and ordering takeout at his apartment. None of them were complete memories though, more like a sense of déjà vu that he had been there once upon a time.
“I’ll take that as a no.” A couple of footfalls echoed across the cell. “Come on. Let’s get you out of here.”
A gentle hand settled under his elbow and, after the initial flinch at the unexpected contact, he recognized the long fingers and warm grip. He let Ty haul him to his feet, and had to lean against the other man during the few moments it took him to find his footing.
“Easy there,” Ty whispered. “You all right?”
Cam took a deep breath and inhaled Ty’s cologne, that musky scent reminding him of the nights they’d spent together, the feeling of Ty underneath him. Then Ty was holding him at arm’s length, forcing Cam to be in the now and stand on his own two feet.
“Hey, you okay?” Ty’s eyes showed worry and concern as they peered into Cam’s own.
Was he okay? Cam glanced quickly around the jail cell he’d woken up in, and noticed a police officer hovering beyond the iron bars with a set of keys in his hand.
With a voice that was hoarse from god knew what he’d done, Cam said, “I don’t know.”
Ty’s lips twitched. “Well, that’s a start.”
Cam let himself be led out through the police station. Ty spoke as they walked. “You’ve been in here since last night. The police found you passed out on a park bench and you were ‘incoherent’—was the word they used. Said you threw up in the back seat of their cruiser; they’re pretty pissed about that.”
Cam grunted. He didn’t remember that part.
“Here. Sign this.” Ty handed him a clipboard with some papers on it. There was a big x at the bottom of the page, and Cam obediently scrawled something that resembled his name across the line.
Ty took the clipboard from his hand and replaced it with Cam’s wallet. He hadn’t even noticed that it was gone. He patted his pockets for what else he was missing. “My phone?”
“You left it in your apartment.” Ty handed it to him. A tap on the home button revealed a bevy of missed calls and unheard voice mails, but the thing was fully charged.
“My keys?”
Ty eyed him with a slight grimace. “Can’t help you with that one.”
“Ah, shit.”
“Yeah.” Ty tugged on his arm. “Come on. Let’s go.”
Out in the brisk November air, Cam pulled his coat tighter around him. The wind made his headache worse, and the cold seeped into his aching limbs. Ty flagged down a cab and held the door open while he slid into the back seat.
It was only when Ty gave his Tribeca address that Cam realized they weren’t going back to his apartment. Newly resurrected memories of empty liquor bottles and take-out containers flashed through his mind. Maybe it was better he didn’t go home right away.
They rode in silence, Cam staring out the window as streets, cars, and trees passed by. A whole world out there, separated by a mere window and car door. And yet it might as well be another galaxy, it felt so unattainable and impossibly far away. Cam squeezed his eyes shut. He might walk those streets, but he would never belong on those streets.
His darkness was uncharacteristically silent. It was still there, occupying that same corner of his mind. But it didn’t call to him, didn’t beckon. What in the world it was waiting for, Cam didn’t know.
He took a deep breath and then let it out. In his mind, he reached out to the darkness, only to snatch his figurative hand back. The darkness was easy, familiar, comfortable. But going there aroused as much fear as it did relief. How much longer could he wallow in the oblivion it offered?
Cam forced himself to open his eyes and look at the harsh world outside his window. He might not like it, but that was where he was.
Once in Ty’s apartment, Cam sat down heavily on one of the chairs at the kitchen table. The pounding in his head had worsened, and the erratic starts and stops of the cab ride hadn’t helped.
“Coffee?”
“Yes, please,” Cam muttered, holding his head in his hands.
“And here. Some Advil.”
“Thanks.” Popping two pills, Cam put his head back into his hands and waited for the medication to kick in. By the time Ty set a cup of coffee in front of him and he’d taken a couple of sips, his brain had cleared enough to start putting coherent thoughts together. “Was I charged with anything last night?”
Ty chuckled from across the kitchen table. “They let you off with a warning. You can thank me for that, by the way. I had to call in favors.”
“Oh.” Cam stared into his mug. “Thanks.”
He took another sip of the coffee, the warmth of the liquid slowly chasing away the cold that had taken up permanent residence in his body during the past several weeks. “How did you find me?”
“You can thank Izzy for that one.”
Cam flicked his eyes up, careful not to move his head too suddenly. “Izzy?”
“Yeah, she called me earlier today and said you were missing. Apparently, she’d been looking for you since yesterday morning.”
He sighed. He was never going to hear the end of this.
“We went to your apartment.” Cam stiffened at Ty’s pause. “It’s not pretty.”
Yeah, that description fit with what little Cam remembered.
“Then I reached out to my police contacts to see if they’d come across you at all.” Ty waved his hands across the table, palms up. “And here we are.”
“And Izzy?” Cam almost didn’t want to know.
“She had to run to a photo shoot.” Ty’s lips crept into a grin. “But don’t worry. I’ve already told her you’re here.”
Cam grimaced. “I wish you hadn’t.”
“Losers can’t be choosers. I think I’m going to enjoy her laying it on you.”
Yeah, Cam could imagine. He took another sip of the coffee. Maybe it was the caffeine or the medication, but the pounding in his head was growing a little softer and he could rotate his joints without feeling like he was going to fall apart.
“Do you mind if I use your shower?” Even Cam could smell the stench wafting off his body, and he wondered how Ty managed to bear it.
“Yeah, come on.” Ty led him to the bathroom and handed him a set of towels. “I’ll dig up some extra clothes for you. Leave what you’re wearing on the floor.”
“Thanks.”
It was a relief to climb in under the warm spray. As the water washed over him and rolled in streams down his skin, the last of the aches and pains eased, and with them something deep inside of him broke.
Tears mixed with water as Cam braced his hands against the cool tiles. But his legs weren’t strong enough to keep him upright, and he collapsed against the wall, slid down to the floor, and wrapped his arms around his knees.
With each drop of water that hit his body and each tear that flowed from his eyes, another piece of him broke apart, revealing the raw, uncensored version of himself underneath. It was painful exposing his inner self to the light of day—a pain that transcended the physical, yet manifested in a tangible ball in the middle of Cam’s chest.
That part of himself held all the things Cam thought he’d lost out in the field—his innocence; idealism; desire to make an impact, influence the world, be significant—only to find they were all still there, hidden deep inside. But now that they were uncovered, it felt like he was in danger of losing them all over again.
A knock at the door announced Ty’s entrance, and although Cam’s brain told him he should get up off the floor, his body wouldn’t cooperate.
“Cam?” Ty called out in the steam-filled room. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m . . .” Sitting on the floor of your shower, crying over my lost innocence.
Ty opened the shower door, unperturbed by the water suddenly drenching the rest of his bathroom. “Are you all right?” He crouched down to Cam’s level, water soaking his T-shirt. “Do you need help?”
Cam shook his head. “No, I . . .” Needed to let the water wash it all away. “I need a minute.”
“Okay. I put clean clothes on the toilet seat. And a new toothbrush and razor by the sink. Take your time.” Ty crouched there for a moment longer before he nodded and let Cam be.
With hands braced against the tile, Cam hauled himself up from the floor inch by inch. His head spun when he reached standing, the air thin with steam. When the room settled again, he quickly soaped himself down, noting a hint of something he associated with Ty in the body wash he’d found in the shower.
The towel was lush against his skin, and the clothes Ty had left him were the most comfortable set of sweats and T-shirt known to man. They smelled freshly laundered, but beneath the detergent, Cam could also detect a little bit of Ty.
His reflection in the mirror made him wince: tired, hungover, like a piece of road kill run over too many times. Rubbing his palm across his scruff, Cam debated keeping it. He’d seen a lot of people sporting beards these days—nothing quite like the behemoth he had in the field, but maybe something short and neatly trimmed. Would Ty like that? He dismissed the errant thought. After a brush of his teeth, he went back outside.
Ty was sitting at the kitchen table, typing away at his laptop with his lips in that adorable little pout. “Feel better?”
Retaking his seat, Cam wasn’t sure how to answer the question. Physically, he felt better, cleaner. But mentally, he was fucked up. He settled for a shrug.
“So, you want to tell me what happened?” Ty closed his laptop and set it aside, attention focused solely on Cam.
He owed Ty an explanation. The problem was, he had no idea where to start. How did he explain his darkness without coming across like a complete madman?
“I have this . . . darkness.” Yep, he sounded crazy.
“A darkness?”
Cam took a deep breath, held it in his lungs, and then let it out in shaky spurts. His hands found the cup of coffee that still sat on the kitchen table, its contents now cold. He held on to the mug as if it physically grounded him to this world. “Yeah, it’s quiet there, comforting. It takes me away from the rest of the world and I don’t have to deal with it all.”
“What do you have to deal with?”
“All of it. Everyone, everything. Demands. Expectations.” Cam stared down into the cold coffee. “The darkness doesn’t ask anything of me.”
A moment passed in silence before Ty spoke again. “I’m not sure this darkness is such a good thing.” His hands were folded, one on top of the other, on the kitchen table, and he spoke with a steady, gentle cadence. “Hiding never sounds like a solution.”
Cam winced because it was true, but that didn’t make it any easier to hear.
“You know I think you need to see a therapist, right?” Ty went on. “Izzy does too.”
Cam nodded. “So does my boss.”
“Have things been bad at work?” He didn’t sound surprised.
“Yeah.” Cam rubbed his hand over his face, and then it went back to the mug. “It’s been pretty bad.”
“In that case, you’ll see someone?”
Cam sighed. It didn’t feel like he had much choice anymore. No, he had a choice. But the alternative was unacceptable.
“Um.” Cam’s heartbeat quickened with his next question. “You said my apartment was a mess, right?”
“Yeah.” Ty had the decency to look apologetic when he had no need to. “I did try cleaning up a bit, but . . .”
Cam opened and closed his mouth a couple of times before he managed to get the words out. “Can I stay with you tonight?”
Ty’s lips curled into a smile, no oozing charm, simply a curve of the mouth that put Cam’s erratic heartbeat at ease.
“And, um . . .” Cam dared to continue.
“Yeah?”
“You wouldn’t happen to have any smokes, would you?”
Ty shook his head with a look of defeat, and Cam felt his own lips curl up of their own volition.
“If you’re up for it, we can take a walk down to the bodega on the corner.”
“Can we get some food while we’re at it?”
“Anything you’d like, sleeping beauty.”
Cam grimaced. Yeah, he was never going to live that one down.