CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Cole
It’s bliss. Holding Becca against me after making love is all I want. It drives all the hurt and rage away, leaving only her soft body in my arms. It’s better than any drug. And now I know that no matter how much I tell myself that I’m done with women and that I don’t want a relationship, there is no avoiding it with her now. I have to tell her how I feel. I just hope she feels the same way.
Before I can open my mouth, she looks up at me, her face troubled. “Cole?”
I don’t like her tone. It sounds sad. Like an ending instead of a beginning. I just know that whatever comes out of her mouth next is going to hurt. Really bad. “Yeah?”
“I have to tell you something.” Already the tears are starting. I pull back so I can see her face better but keep my arms around her. It feels like hugging a live grenade. The woman in my arms is going to tear me to shreds.
I don’t say anything. I just wait for the bomb to drop.
She can’t look me in the eye anymore, but she continues to talk. “I found the drugs in the bathroom. That’s why I left this morning without saying anything. I thought about that a lot when I got home and how it was wrong for me to just leave. If you have a problem, I want to help you with it any way I can. I...” She swallows, the thick emotion causing her throat to make a clicking sound. “My dad was an addict. He left me and my mom when I was ten. He died when I was sixteen. An overdose. I guess I just panicked when I saw the syringes. I didn’t understand and couldn’t face it, so I ran. I was so scared and… hurt.”
I take in a deep breath. I should have told her from the start. I kiss her forehead and hold her close again. “It’s okay. I get it. I was in a bad place when I started them last year. Was going to lose my place on the team. At first, it was only supposed to be a boost, you know? Some guys on my team got me into it.” It all feels like a bunch of stupid excuses. I can’t blame her if she thinks so too.
She just nods, her hand on my chest. “I was really upset. I—”
“I get it, Becca. I understand why you left and I’m glad you came back to tell me how you feel.”
She stiffens. Instead of being reassured that I’m not angry, something inside of her just grows tighter. “That’s not all. I…”
She doesn’t finish, and I can tell this is going to be bad. I can feel it. It’s a living, writhing entity between us. I’m not sure how yet, but she’s going to say something that will tear the whole thing apart before it even gets a chance to get off the ground. I can feel it hurt already. My chest grows tight with dread.
“I called my editor and told him I wasn’t going to do the story. He…” She shudders, and I hold her tighter. “He came to my apartment to talk about it. I didn’t know he was going to come over. He’s my ex. My ex-boyfriend, so he knew where I lived. He…” She’s talking fast now, the words spilling from her mouth. “I think he may have drugged me because I became really sleepy. He…”
Fuck.
“He drugged you?” I lift her chin until she looks at me. “You mean gave you some kind of date rape drug?” My heart squeezes in my chest, then begins hammering with rage. “Becca… did he…” Fuck. “Did he hurt you?”
She shakes her head, but hot tears fall on my chest. “My friend Mia made me go to the hospital, get my blood tested for a drug, but it will be a day or two before they know if there’s anything in my system. They did a rape kit, and…” she takes a deep breath, “they couldn’t tell if he, you know, raped me.”
Rage is the first emotion, but it’s soon followed by horror. I sit up and thrust all ten fingers through my hair, pulling at the roots. “Becca, shit. Why didn’t you tell me before I…? I’d never have… forced you. Shit. God, Becca, I’m so sorry. So damn sorry.”
She grabs my arm, pulls my hand away from my hair. She holds it to her chest, and I feel her heart thudding against it. “Cole, you didn’t force me. I wanted it. Wanted you. You made me forget. Wiped all that away for a while.” Her voice is pleading for me to understand, and I make myself take a deep breath. This isn’t about me and my feelings. This is about her. Becca. I need to keep my shit together for her.
Very slowly, I lay back down and she nestles onto my chest again. My pulse is pounding in my temples, and all I want to do is hit something. I don’t. I need to stay calm for her. For my Becca.
“The hospital didn’t find any evidence,” she continues after a while, when both of our breathing is back to normal. “And I don’t think he did. I don’t know why he drugged me, if that turns out to be what he did. I don’t know what his intentions were.” She wipes at her face. “I just don’t know, but I don’t feel like I was, um, violated.”
“I hope he didn’t, but you need to know that none of it is your fault. Don’t allow anything that asshole did or didn’t do make you think otherwise.”
She stiffens beside me, her nails biting into my skin. There’s more. I feel it coming. Feel it vibrating in the air between us.
“Cole, there’s more. While I was passed out, Rob got onto my computer. He read my journal. Read my research on the drugs I found in your drawer.” Her nails dig into my chest. “I’d written down everything. All my thoughts. What I found. Everything.”
I close my eyes. Damn.
“There’s an article, a special edition in the school paper. He… god. Rob printed what he read, what I wrote. I’m so sorry.” She takes in a deep breath. Her head is tucked under my chin so I can’t see her face, but her voice sounds so sad. “I’m so very, very sorry.”
It’s worse than I expected. When she first started talking, I thought she was going to tell me that she fucked him. Sure, I would have been pissed off and hurt, but I could forgive that. We aren’t official. It’s understandable. Hell, if I’d stumbled onto a hot young thing today, I’d most likely have fucked her if I’d had the chance.
“So, your ex-boyfriend wrote that I take steroids in the school paper,” I repeat to make absolutely sure I understand everything she just told me. My voice is flat. I feel numb and hollowed out on the inside.
“Yeah,” she says softly. “I didn’t think… he was that type of person. He didn’t even put in a byline. He didn’t even claim that he wrote the story. I think he’s jealous. And I think he wants you to believe I wrote it. That I’d do that to you.” Becca pulls back now so she can look up at me. Her face is wet with tears. “I wouldn’t. I would never have done that, and I’m so sorry that your secret has been exposed like this.”
I nod, but in truth, I can’t feel anything. Not yet. I’m sure I will later. Tomorrow. When I have to face these accusations in the light of day. “I know,” I say. But I don’t fucking know. My rational mind knows what kind of woman Becca is. She takes her work at the paper very seriously. She takes everything seriously. But the illogical, angry, jealous part of me is already waging war in my mind. That part of me wants to explode from this bed and scream at the top of my lungs. I don’t need this shit. I just don’t need any of it.
She nods then too, as if some unspoken decision has been made. She sits up, untangling herself from my grasp slowly and gently. I don’t try to stop her even though I want to. “So, I’m sorry. That sounds so stupid. I know it’s… it’s going to be bad for you, and I know that’s my fault.”
I want to agree with her. Yell at her. But she’s so sad, and honestly, so am I. And it’s not her fault. It’s her douchebag ex who harmed her, did who knows what to her besides invade her privacy. My privacy.
I want to find this Rob guy and wring his fucking neck, but even that won’t save me from the mess I’m about to be in. The scandal will hit hard, and people will automatically assume I’m guilty. Even when my piss test comes back clean, people will think I cheated it. That I got away with doping. And, truth be told, I did. Back then.
“Becca…”
I want to tell her that I haven’t used the drugs in months. I wanted to use them. Got close to using them. I even filled two syringes, intent on plunging them into my muscles. But I didn’t. Because of her. I wanted to be better because of her.
And look where that got me.
“It’ll be okay,” I promise her, and decide right then that it will be. I won’t run away from the accusations. I won’t let my temper beat me and ruin my future.
My heart breaks a little when her eyes flick away. She doesn’t believe me. I inhale deeply. I don’t blame her. I wouldn’t believe me either.
After her confession, it seems like everything is happening in slow motion. She gets up. She gets dressed. She sits down beside me and places a hand on my cheek.
“I hope you understand why I need to go. I can’t be with someone who does any kind of drugs, and—”
I sit up. “Becca, I—”
She places her fingers on my lips, and I want to scream at her to listen to me. Or pull her across my lap and spank her again, but I take a deep breath, letting her say whatever she needs to say.
“Please let me finish. I’m not judging you, and I’ll help you stop, support you however I can because I lo…” She swallows hard, tears brimming in her eyes again. “Because I care about you, and I want to help you.”
She almost said love, I know it.
“What I’m most afraid of, Cole, is that you’ll grow to hate me for sabotaging your career. If you don’t get to play, or if you can’t finish school, can’t follow your dream… one day, you’ll wake up to your average job, and you’ll look at me…” She shakes her head and a tear falls. “You’ll remember that it’s my fault. That I’m the one who stole your future from you.”
“Becca, no. I could never hate you.”
She sighs out a long breath. “You say that now, but what about in five years? Ten? Twenty? My dad… he used to blame my mom for his terrible life. Blamed me. They used to fight and he’d scream about how her getting pregnant with me was what destroyed him. He made it seem all her fault.” She swipes a tear away. “My fault. He blamed the drugs on us. Everything on us. I’ve tried so hard to be a good girl so I wouldn’t ruin anyone’s life. I’ve ruined yours anyway.”
I’ve never seen anyone look so forlorn. “Becca… baby. No, you haven’t ruined my life. I think you may have saved my life. And tomorrow, I’ll go see coach, I’ll piss in a cup, give blood, whatever, and prove that I haven’t been taking those drugs. I’ve been clean for a while now.”
She begins to blink hard, and I can see the disbelief on her face. I can’t blame her for that. She saw what she saw in my bathroom. Proof of my past.
Very gently, she kisses me, then stands to leave. I could force her to stay with me, I know that. I could pull her down beside me and take her back into that space where all the decisions are left to me.
I don’t.
Words mean nothing. I need to prove myself to her with my actions.
And I will.
I’ll prove myself to her.