C H A P T E R   T W E L V E

Lincoln

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I’m losing my fucking mind. Seriously, I’m not even sure what’s real anymore.

Every day of the last three, I have made her promise me just a little more.

Every minute of every day, I’ve pushed things further.

“Are you going to eat that?” Holli’s sparkling eyes bring a smile to my face as her fork hangs hopefully over the half-eaten cheesecake sitting on the white linen in front of me.

“No.” I shake my head, pushing the plate toward her. “You are.” She bobs her head gleefully, and I can’t help the laugh that escapes my lips. “Careful. You’ll throw your neck out.”

This is our third lunch. I should be happy. I should be living in the moment.

But I’m not.

I’m fucking coming apart inside, and she has no idea.

“I really shouldn’t,” she says, skewering one oversized bite of the caramel–drizzled, three-inch-high decadence and closing her eyes gratefully as she pops it into her mouth.

“You should. And you will.” I lean back, watching how much she enjoys the food, remembering the first meal we had together three days ago.

I’d taken her to breakfast. I knew she hadn’t eaten enough because we’d been together the whole night before she left my snoring ass sleeping and tried to get away.

I chased her down.  Finding out where she lives from a couple people I know who know Cruzer.  Wasn’t that hard to track her down.

And, the first of our meals together happened. I was expecting her to order everything on the menu and then some dessert, but when she spoke to the waitress, I was disappointed.

She ordered a bowl of oatmeal.

Plain.

No sugar, cream, or honey.

Even now it makes me angry.

So when it came time for me to order, I held the menu up to the waitress, silently pointing to items, one after the other. A quizzical look came over the server at one point, but my serious stare told her to just bring the fucking food, which, about fifteen minutes later, she did.

Holli sat frozen as two servers filled our table with omelets, quiche, muffins, pastry, a bowl of Froot Loops, stacks of pancakes and waffles. After a bit of banter, Holli dug in with fervor, eating with such glee it made me grin like a proud father.

Making sure she knew in no uncertain terms, that I craved every curve on her body.

That was the last time I let her order for herself.

Watching her eat is just one of an infinite number of pleasures I’ve taken from her in the last three days.

Now, here we sit, and I’m filled with dread. I made her promise to give me three days; three meals each day with me and then she could decide if she wanted to see me again. But there was a truth behind the three days that went far beyond giving her time to make her decision. I thought it would give me time to figure this shit out. Instead, for the first time in my life, I can’t find a way out. At least not a way that keeps her safe.

My desperation to keep her in my life as long as I could overrode my logical mind. I just picked the number that seemed most logical, my calculating skills telling me I could figure this out if I just had a bit more time. Find a way. But here we are, hours from dinner, and I’m more at a loss than ever before.

Less than a day until my airline reservation sends me off to a new life.

I have to say, these three days have been by far the most joyful and significant in my life. We’ve not only eaten together, we’ve talked about nearly everything. We’ve made love in my car. At the penthouse. Back at my home. In the bathrooms at the restaurants. Even off the path in the park where we walk every afternoon after lunch.

It didn’t take much persuasion for our meals to turn to more. She sleeps at the house, then leaves after our breakfast every morning, heading back to her own apartment. It would bother me except that I’m so busy taking care of my business. It’s almost all wrapped up now, ready to turn over the reins of my poker rooms when I leave for good. Jesus. For good. And it would be good if not for what I’ve found with her.

Things have changed, and for once in my life, I have no idea how to fix it.

My phone buzzes in my inside suit pocket. The ringtone tells me who’s calling. I make it a practice never to take calls or answer texts when we are together, but this can’t wait.

“Excuse me, Kick.” I sigh.

She freezes mid-bite, surprised when I reach to take out my phone and push my chair back from the table. I step in beside her, running my hand down from the crown of her head to where her hair stops mid-back, leaning down to kiss her forehead.

Not wanting to leave her side, I let my lips linger there longer than usual, and she shifts in her seat, raising a hand to shield her mouth mid-chew when she asks, “Is everything okay?”

I like to think, in her mind, our three days of meals will continue into years. She’s become so comfortable that neither of us has dared speak the words out loud: that tonight, our dinner, is the last of our agreed-upon dates. And yet there is an assumption in the air, a hope that they will continue in perpetuity.

“Everything is fine,” I lie. I raise my chin to the waiter standing attentively off toward the edge of the restaurant. I speak in a low tone, knowing he will still hear me. “Get her anything else she wants.” I look back down at my angel, so unaware of the danger and heartbreak lurking just hours away. “I’ll be right back.” I’m a son of a bitch. The worst kind of asshole letting this go on without giving her the truth.

Four steps away from the table, I answer and bring the phone to my ear.

“What do you want?” I do nothing to hide the disdain in my voice. “My arrangements are made. We have nothing left to discuss.”

A maniacal chuckle comes through, followed by the sound of shuffling. Clearing his throat before he speaks, Rudolf’s voice comes through. “When you disappear, and even my people can find no trace of you, then we will have nothing left to discuss. Until that happens, we’re in bed. So stop with all the gumshoe drama. I’m just here to express my continued concern about how you are spending your time.”

My heart thunders in my chest. The subtle reference is not lost on me, and my mind spins in a fury, trying to find a way out of the windowless steel box that is quickly becoming my life.

“Don’t you even fucking breathe in her direction, motherfucker.” My anger rises, making each word clipped, my breath hot with rage. “I will end you. I promise. No hesitation, no use for my own life.”

Calm laughter greets me, and I swear I can almost hear him shrug with indifference. “You are becoming a very colorful bird, Kirk. What happened to the man of no emotion? Late in life to find your inner soft spot. Your Harlequin romance. Not healthy. For you or for—”

I cut him off as I shoulder open the front door to the restaurant and step outside. “Don’t even use a female pronoun. Do. Not. Push me.”

I pace the sidewalk, looking up and down the busy street. This part of town is full of ladies lunching and men with plenty of money and no W-2’s making quiet deals at restaurant tables.

The irony is, disappearing was my idea at first, not his. My fresh start. I hopped into bed with this deal long before Holli flipped my world on its end. In this life, in this business, you are nothing if not a man of your word.

Even so, I considered rolling the dice. Telling Rudolf Meyer terms had changed. I’d still give him everything; the only change would be I was not going to ghost. I could never leave her, but now that his world has set its eyes on her, it’s not just about me anymore. If I don’t follow through and become a vapor of Lincoln Kirk, they have leverage, and my only choice seems to be make good on my deal.

But it means leaving her behind without a word. And I can’t do that.

Either way, I’m fucked.

Holli started asking about the moving boxes at the house. I made some shit up about downsizing. That I just hadn’t found a place yet but was putting a bunch of stuff into storage.

It wasn’t a complete lie.

The voice on the other end of the phone breaks into my thoughts.

“Just know you stick around, you take one penny out of my pocket, our deal is over. I’ll come for you. I’ll come for her. No soft spots here.”

“Go fuck yourself.”

I end the call, steadying my breath, unsure of everything in my life. My new life was supposed to be something good. A clean slate. Something to look forward to. And just a few days ago, it was. But now it’s no more than a black hole.

Back at the table, she’s leaning back in her chair, her hands rubbing her belly over the red wrap dress I gave her yesterday. She’s so stunning, my heart breaks at the thought I’ve put her in danger.

“We good?” she asks, looking like the cat that ate the canary.

“Yes.” Another lie, then in a split second, I make a decision. “I have some business that’s come up. It’s unavoidable. I have to cancel our dinner tonight.”

My heart finishes shattering as I see the disappointment cloud her eyes. Her walls immediately rise and solidify, I see it as plain as a sucker’s tell. Her Ellen Olenska persona takes point, and I hate that she feels the need to protect herself with me.

“That’s fine. I’ve eaten enough in the last few days to last me a month. And I do have some business of my own I’ve been neglecting, so it actually works out better for me that we cancel.”

I want so badly to come up with something to say. Tell her I’ll see her later tonight or arrange for a breakfast tomorrow, but right now, I can’t. Anything I do has to put her first, and keeping her safe is, above all other things, the fulcrum upon which my actions must be decided.

“Good. Well, shall we?”

With that, our armor is shielding us. The entire drive back to her apartment, I hold her hand, but the energy has been discharged. We are both highly skilled at reading someone. A room. An environment. And the message resonating between us right now is tread lightly. Be careful. Danger is afoot.

And that’s the way I need it to be. Because right now, she needs to keep herself safe.

As I put the car in park and go to open my door, her hand shoots out to rest on my forearm. The connection sends lightning bolts throughout my body. My cock has been half hard since I picked her up for lunch, but with this simple touch, it’s at full length, hungry for what I know I may never have again.

“Listen.” Her voice softens. There’s an honesty about it, and her wall lowers, if only enough for me to see her behind it. “Don’t walk me in today, okay? It’s nothing personal, it’s just... Angela’s been getting all over me about you. Wanting to know more about you and what’s going on. I just think it’s best to keep a low profile, don’t you? It’s only a matter of time before Cruzer sees you, and it just all feels muddy, you know? I’m sorry...”

It makes no sense, but it feels like we are both trying to give the other an out, so I acquiesce even as every part of my soul screams for me to steal her away and find a way to keep her safe.

“It’s okay.” I lean over, taking those Cherry Coke lips with mine once more. Half praying it will be the last time and half praying it won’t.

Without another word, she’s out and disappears behind the door to the Victorian boarding house with my broken heart resting inside hers.