Kukunniwi Woods

So this was how Cain must have felt.

Because inside the red haze, Knud wasn’t the prodigal son. Not the bad guy turned good that his mother wanted him to be. There would be no Saul-to-Paul happy ending conversion here.

Just the red anger. Just him crushing his brother’s windpipe until he finally stopped talking.

The wolf pawed at Knud. Trying to get him to shift, to come back to reason.

But civilian nearby. First rule of Wolf Force…don’t shift. Don’t shift.

Civilian nearby. Don’t shift. Civilian…civilian…L-heart….L-heart was nearby.

The red wavered.

And an image floated into his mind: L-heart with her fists raised, fully prepared to fight him to the bitter end, but still calling out to him, hoping to get through.

And suddenly the world was back.

His father held on to his arm, while his mom bent over to see to Rafes. Who was now in a besuited heap on the ground.

It didn’t take long for Knud to put two and two together. His father had both hands around his arm, because he’d been trying to pull him off the brother he’d had in a literal death grip. But then restraining Knud no longer became necessary because Knud abruptly dropped Rafes. As if he’d taught his brother a lesson and didn’t need to pursue things any further.

“Are you all right?” their mother asked Rafes who was still on the ground.

“I’m fine,” Rafes insisted, knocking away her hands and slowly pushing himself to a stand.

He rolled his neck, as if to expel the memory of Knud’s crushing hand around it. Then he said to Knud, “You. Need. To. Leave. Now.”

“Rafes…” Alisha started.

“Stop talking,” Rafes said to their mother. “Everyone stop talking.”

But Knud shook his head. “No, Mom, he’s right. I need to leave. This is why I stayed away. This is why I can’t…be with her like that. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt her. But she’s fragile and I…I destroy everything I touch. And Rafes, man, I’m…”

He looked straight at Rafes, opening his mouth to apologize to his brother for the first time in quite possibly ever. But instead of letting him speak, Rafes shook his head and said, “No, don’t say another word. Just stop talking. Right now.”

And that’s when he smelled her.

“You think I’m fragile?”

Knud turned and found L-heart standing behind him, the smile she’d been wearing all morning for Jandro’s sake, completely gone. “You pushed me away because you think I’m fragile?”

“L-heart…” he started.

“Are you aware I came out here to pull you off your brother?” she asked. “I can think of at least five different ways to neutralize you, and that’s just off the top of my head without consulting my training tapes. You cannot physically hurt me.”

But she didn’t get it. “I can hurt you. What happened last Friday…”

“What happened last Friday hurt me because you pushed me away. Because you refused to talk with me, be honest with me, or treat me like I was more than some one-night-stand you let stick around too long…”

“You don’t understand. I’ve got a mood disorder. Not talking about it, not feeling too much or getting too close is the only way to manage it.”

L-heart just stared at him, shaking her head.

But his mom came over and place a hand on his arm. “Oh, Knud. Is that really what you think? That not allowing yourself to feel…closing yourself off from everyone is the only way to manage your disorder?”

“Mom, it’s not something I think—it’s something I know. You guys were the most loving parents I could ask for and I still turned out all fucked up.”

“No, no,” his mom insisted. “That’s not true.”

“It is true,” he insisted right back. Then he returned his gaze to L-heart. “And I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted things to stop the way they did. But I didn’t know how else to end it.”

“Why did you have to end it at all?” she demanded as if he was the biggest idiot in the universe. “And just when things were getting really good?”

Had she not heard a word he’d said? “Why? Because I’ve got issues. Serious issues.”

She stared at him for a beat, then said, “I know you have issues, Knud. I’ve got them, too.”

He shook his head. “Mine are obviously a shit-ton bigger than yours.”

She laughed. Actually laughed like he, not she, was the naïve one in their duo. “Oh, no they’re not.”

“Try never being able to have a genuine response to anything or anyone because you’re afraid it will end up on social media and reflect badly on your family’s brand. Try having absolutely no private life or never being able to get a good sense of whether people like you for you, or just because of who your mom is.”

She made a dismissive sound. “You’re upset because your mom is trying to get you to propose to me. But try finding out the first boyfriend you thought you might be okay with marrying someday, was vetted and literally interviewed by your father.”

Knud glanced to the side before saying, “Actually that’s pretty common in our community…” But then a new question occurred to him. “Wait, how did you know my mom was trying to get me to marry you?”

“Because all black moms try to get their sons to marry me. That’s just what they do. Even though I talk too much and interrupt and am kind of a know-it-all and a tad eccentric.”

“A tad…” Knud repeated.

Suddenly her face fell, as if he’d hit her, and actually landed the punch. “See, that’s it…” she said with a sad laugh. “That right there is why I liked you. You kept it real with me from the start. You called me out. And looked at me like I was crazy.”

“No one’s ever looked at you like you were crazy?” he said, tone incredulous.

“No,” she answered with a totally straight expression. “At least not directly to my face.”

“Okay, who are you that—?” he began.

She huffed. “Knud, shut up. Just let me talk, okay?”

He did. The use of his real name and her unprecedented rudeness startling him into silence.

She sighed. “You were right about me, you know. I’m always thinking, always watching myself. I’ve spent so much of my life trying to figure out exactly how I should act and speak that I never learned how to just be myself. I don’t even have a concept of self. Only brand. It’s like before you, my whole life had been Photoshopped and I couldn’t even tell what was real.”

Clamping his lips, she looked up at him, all sort of emotions flickering across her face like animals finally off their leashes. “But with you…I could just be. I didn’t have to make a new decision every single second about my language and demeanor with you. The truth is…”

Again her face worked, as if her words had to climb over several obstacles to get past her High Media training. But in the end, they collapsed out of her mouth like a relieved confession. “The truth is, you’ve taught me more about myself in five months than I’d learned from my PR team in 18 years of living a brand. But I’m tired of playing games with you. I’m tired of trying to act as if I’m indifferent to you, or that my heart has gone completely unaffected by our time together. And I know, feelings make you uncomfortable, as do intimate relationships. I know that, and I’m sorry for putting you in this position, but I feel compelled to tell you… I’ve fallen in love with you.”

She nodded to herself, as if confirming the words in her heart, as she said it again, “Yes, I love you very much.”

It took him a moment before he was able to speak over the wolf howling inside his chest. “No…no, L-heart… you can’t love me,” he answered, voice guttural and quiet. “You just found out my real name…and I don’t even know yours!”

“It’s Layla,” she answered, refusing to drop her gaze from his. “My name is Layla, and you were wrong to say I’m fragile. Because I’m stronger than you. Strong enough to finally tell you how I really feel, and you know what…”

She nodded in Alisha’s direction, “if your black mom wants us to marry, then yes, I’ll marry you. Because I love you. Also, because my father’s lawyers excel at prenup agreements—honestly, I could marry a kangaroo and come out okay on the other side. But mostly because I love you. Truly love you. Which is why…”

A trio of gasps went up behind him when L-heart—Layla—carefully sank down to both knees.

No, no, was all Knud could think as his wolf howled like a crazed animal inside his chest. But his human didn’t… couldn’t comprehend what was happening as she said, “Knud Nightwolf, now that I know your name, I would like to ask for your hand in marriage. Not because of who you are or who I am, but because I love you. Like, big time love you—sorry, I’m very emotional right now and I’m finding it hard to construct a poetic enough sentence to express my deep affection for you.”

“This isn’t happening,” Rafes said behind Knud.

Knud was just as stunned. “You really want to marry me? Dr. Thug? The guy that loses his shit when you jump out of a closet?”

“Yes, I really do. So, what’s your answer?”

“Yes, his answer is YES!” a voice squealed in the distance. He looked up to see Tu on the porch of Founder’s Cabin along with Jandro, Grady, and Qim.

At the same time Rafes said, “No…no…you cannot marry her.”

But Knud’s eyes returned to the woman on her knees. “You should know,” he said carefully. “We wouldn’t be able to have kids. I’m…not up for that.”

“And you should know we can talk about that and figure it out. Either way, it will be all right.”

“You should also know that hu—usual medications don’t work on my mood disorder. So I can’t guarantee I won’t ever go crazy on you again.”

“And you should know my body is literally a lethal weapon. Temporarily blinding you is one of the nicer moves in my wheelhouse. If I wanted to, I could kill with one blow. So, there are some inherit dangers we’ll both have to deal with—also, you have my solemn guarantee that I will never jump out of a closet at you again.”

“I’ve also got to tell you—”

“Knud, shut up, please. My knees are starting to hurt, and I’m tired of running away from this. I’m tired of running from the things that scare me. And I hope I’m right about you. I hope you’re not a total coward. I hope you’re brave enough to be crazy about me, too. Either way, no more stalling. Just tell me: is your answer to my question yes or no?”

He shook his head at her, because seriously, how was this even happening? “My answer isn’t yes,” he said, his voice low and rough.

His mother gasped a sad, “Knud! Please…”

While he could hear Rafes say, “Thank you for finally seeing reason.”

No falling in love. Ever…

Knud shook his head, remembering the rule that had most tripped him up. Then he stepped forward, and pulled Layla to her feet. “My answer isn’t yes because it’s hell yeah. Hell yeah, I’ll marry you, Layla. And even though I seriously can’t figure out what I did to make somebody as fucking amazing as you love me and accept me as I am, I’m going to say hell yeah, because Hot Social Worker…”

She gazed up at him, her face all gooey and soft. “Yes, Buddy?”

He took her face in his hands. “I fucking love you, too.”

Just like that, her smile came back. And it was nothing less than the sun after a long, grey winter…coming through extra bright and blasting all the shadows away.

He’d think about that smile a lot in the weeks to come. Regretfully. Mournfully. He’d remember the way his wolf wagged inside his chest. So happy, so caught up in her optimism, so sure if she loved him and he loved her, everything would be okay.

Stupid wolf.

Stupid, stupid wolf.