Chapter Nine

 

 

JACKSON DIDN’T always shift on the full moon. Sometimes he wasn’t in the mood for it, and sometimes work or other commitments got in the way. He knew that made him unusual, that his family wanted him with them when they headed down to the designated parkland and waited for the moon to rise.

He’d never felt that pull.

In college, his friends and frat brothers would do the same thing, all gathered together ready to lean on one another and run, snapping at one another’s heels and playing rough while Jackson stayed curled up in his room, on his own. They thought he was weird for not joining in, for not wanting to.

In truth, Jackson much preferred to shift and run on his own. He could refuse the pull of the full moon and the deep, pressing urge to shift if he had to, which he’d always seen as a good thing. While his family were out losing a night’s sleep, Jackson studied. Or worked. Or fucked.

Knowing he was going to spend the weekend alone with Leo made him want to shift in a way he’d never felt before. He wanted to embrace the side of himself that had dragged Leo into his life, like maybe that would help with accepting Leo as his soul mate.

He ran for hours, passing the boundary of the forest and into the sparsely populated scrub land, relishing the burn in his muscles and the dirt under his feet. Being this far away from protected land was dangerous; technically, if he was spotted he could be shot without any penalty for the hunter. Jackson knew this land, though, and was confident in his ability to outrun a predator.

A few hours later, he was feeling slightly less nervous as he paced the house, waiting for Leo to arrive. But still nervous.

When Leo knocked on the door, Jackson almost jumped out of his skin.

“Hey,” Leo said, smiling at Jackson.

“Hey. Come in.”

Leo was still wearing what Jackson assumed was his work clothes, and he smelled like the hospital and the hundreds of people he’d come in contact with throughout the day. He only had a backpack with him and a reusable grocery bag tucked into his arm.

“Could I use your shower? I feel gross.”

“Yes,” Jackson said, probably too quickly. “Sure. The bathroom’s right through there. You can leave your stuff in the bedroom if you like. Should I put that in the kitchen for you?”

“Jackson,” Leo said, letting both bags slide out of his hands and to the floor. He stepped up close, put his hands on Jackson’s cheeks, and kissed him gently. “Breathe.”

“Sorry.”

Jackson tipped their foreheads together. “I guess I’m nervous.”

“You’re fine,” Leo said, rubbing his thumbs over Jackson’s stubble. “I’ll go shower.”

“Yes, please.” He winced.

Leo laughed. “Don’t,” he said, holding up his hands. “I can take a hint.”

Jackson pressed his lips together to stop from saying any more stupid shit.

He took the bag of groceries to the kitchen and carefully unpacked things into the fridge, surprised at the amount of fresh produce Leo had brought. Jackson could cook, but it was always low on his list of priorities, so he ended up reheating frozen dinners or eating bowls of cereal more often than not.

Jackson was not prepared for the sight of Leo, still damp from his shower, barefoot in dark gray sweatpants and a long-sleeve shirt.

“You all right?” Leo asked, ruffling his hand through his hair to separate the damp strands. His hair was a much darker color wet—more brown than auburn.

“Hmm. It’s been a busy week. Want to crash on the couch for a while?”

“God, yes.” Leo laughed.

“Okay. Make yourself comfortable. I’ve got beer.”

“I hoped you would,” Leo said, grinning, and disappeared back out into the family room.

Jackson took a deep breath, grabbed two beers and a giant bag of chips, and followed him.

 

 

THERE WAS a basketball game on TV, which Leo had apparently decided was a neutral enough thing for them to watch together. Jackson didn’t mind; he followed some of the state teams but hadn’t ever taken a specific interest in sports.

They settled on opposite ends of the couch with the bag of chips between them, and Jackson almost immediately relaxed as Leo caught him up on the past few days.

“Do you have plans for this weekend?” Leo asked after a while.

“Not really. I still don’t know you that well. I guess I didn’t want to presume.”

Leo nodded. He’d drawn his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them so he could rest his chin on top.

“We should definitely get to know each other more,” Leo said, nodding. “Why do you live out here on your own?”

“Wow.” Jackson laughed and rubbed his hands over his face. “Going right for the big questions, huh?”

“You don’t have to answer,” Leo said. He looked a little embarrassed.

“It’s okay.” Jackson swigged his beer, wondering how honest he could be with Leo. With himself. “A lot of reasons, I suppose. The house was cheap; there was the barn to convert into the brewery. I needed space, and I couldn’t find that in the city.”

“There’s more, though,” Leo said.

“You’re perceptive.”

“I’m a therapist,” he said with a grin. “We can do this with the help of maracas and rainmakers if you like.”

Jackson laughed. “I think I can manage without maracas.”

“Go on, then.” It wasn’t spoken like a challenge, but Jackson took it as one.

“This is kind of a long story.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Jackson sighed and fiddled with a loose thread on the couch. He’d never spoken to a therapist before, but he was self-aware enough to reflect on his previous choices. Sometimes it was a curse.

“Okay. Well, when I moved back from college, there was a bigger group of us. Grant and Adam, their girlfriends, their girlfriends’ friends, brothers and cousins, a big ragtag group. You know how it is.”

Leo nodded.

“A lot of us had known each other since we were kids, but we split up and went to college all over the country. Then by Thanksgiving after graduation, we ended up back here. Broke and living with our parents.”

“Oh boy, I know how that goes.”

“Right. So a few years ago, back when I was still working at the bank, we decided we’d do a road trip up to Banff, go skiing or snowboarding for a long weekend. There was about a dozen of us. One night we were all drinking until pretty late, and there was this one girl….”

He glanced over at Leo, who rolled his eyes.

“You’re into girls. I get it. Carry on.”

“She was really pretty. I only knew her because she was someone’s cousin who’d tagged along, but she’d been flirting with me, and I was flirting back. People had noticed, and I thought it was all going well, you know? So I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk.”

He swigged his beer again. “And she kind of looked at me and laughed.”

Jackson would never quite forget that moment, no matter how many good things happened in his life in the future.

The way her expression went from tipsy to horrified amusement, laughing at him, not with him.

“But you’re a werewolf. I couldn’t… I mean, it’s not safe.”

And he’d realized that she didn’t see him as a person, not as an equal, but as a guy she could use to flirt with danger and tell a good story to her friends when she went home, that she spent a weekend with a bunch of werewolves.

“I guess I figured out that we weren’t this group of liberal millennials who could mix and be cool and it didn’t matter,” Jackson said. “It absolutely did matter, more to some than others, for sure. But a bunch of us were being used for some delayed teenage rebellion or some shit.”

“That’s awful,” Leo murmured.

“She did it in front of everyone.” Jackson picked at the label on his now-empty bottle. “And I kind of knew in that moment that I had to get away from it all. From the bullshit and not knowing where I stood with other people. By that point I’d already been looking around for space to build the brewery, and this was just perfect. I wanted to escape… so I did.”

Leo edged closer and threw his legs over Jackson’s lap so he could pull him down into a hug.

“She was a horrible person. I’m so sorry someone treated you like that.”

Jackson pressed his face to Leo’s neck and inhaled deeply. Because he wanted to, and because it felt right, he wrapped his arms around Leo’s waist and squeezed.

“It’s hard for me to trust people. I guess I’ve always been that way.”

“And you’re wary of humans.”

“Yeah.”

Leo rested his cheek on the top of Jackson’s head. “I’m not going to tell you that you can trust me, because that seems patronizing. I’m hoping you’ll get there, though.”

“Can you feel it?” Jackson murmured. He wasn’t ready to let go yet. “The bond?”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel,” Leo said gently.

“Oh. Forget it,” Jackson said, pulling away.

“No,” Leo said, his hand darting out to touch Jackson’s wrist. “Tell me. I want to know this stuff.”

“It’s stupid,” Jackson mumbled.

“Not to me, it isn’t.”

“We should be able to feel it. The bond between us. I mean, that’s how I recognized you, the first time.”

“What does it feel like?”

Jackson shook his head and pulled away. “It’s hard to explain.”

“Try me.”

Jackson couldn’t help but laugh. Leo was persistent, that was for damn sure.

“I guess, for wolves, we’re used to having these bonds with our family and people we’re close to.”

“Your pack?”

Jackson grinned. “We don’t really call it that.”

“Oh.” Leo blushed. “Sorry.”

“It’s not offensive or anything. Just a bit outdated.”

“Okay.”

“It’s how we stay connected, how we know that everyone’s okay. I’ve had those bonds my whole life, and then I met you and found another one.”

“How do I find it, then?”

Jackson muted the TV, put his beer and the chips on the floor, and shifted so he was facing Leo. “Close your eyes,” he said softly, and Leo did as he was told. “Take a deep breath. Just kind of concentrate on your body.”

Leo breathed slowly, following Jackson’s instructions, and Jackson let himself tune in to the deep, resonating pull he felt toward his soul mate.

“I’m sorry,” Leo said after a few minutes.

“Don’t worry. It’s there. I guess it’ll come in time.”

“Okay,” he said again. Jackson could tell Leo was disappointed, but wasn’t sure what else he could do. There wasn’t any easy, surefire way to identify a bond, and trying to explain to someone what it felt like seemed bizarre… like trying to explain what it felt like to have two hands. It just was.

Leo shifted back to his side of the couch and reached for his beer. “Do you have any weird kinks I should know about?” he asked, easy as anything, then took a sip of his beer.

“Define weird.”

“Ooh,” Leo said, like this answer in itself was perfectly scandalous. “Well, one person’s kink is another person’s Thursday night. So that’s hard to answer.”

“I really don’t know a lot about having sex with men. The entirety of my experience is what I’ve done with you. So it all feels kinky right now.”

“Ooo-kay.” Leo sipped again.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’re definitely a vanilla one. That’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with vanilla.”

“I am not vanilla.”

“You think gay sex is kinky. Which is fine,” he rushed to add. “We can take it all at whatever pace you’re comfortable with. No pressure.”

“No pressure,” Jackson mumbled as he grabbed another handful of chips.

“Is talking about sex okay? Because if it’s not, I don’t mind.”

Jackson tipped his head back and laughed. “Oh my God, Leo.”

“What?”

“I’m still trying to figure a lot of this out. I’ve never even been attracted to a man before.”

“Are you attracted to me?” Leo asked, clearly fishing.

Jackson shoved the handful of chips in his mouth and didn’t answer. Leo pulled a face at him.

“Is sex a part of this?”

“By this, you mean being soul mates?”

“Yeah.”

“Then yes. It’s generally accepted that soul mates will, you know. Mate.”

Leo grinned, suddenly conspiratorial. “Do you want to?”

Jackson shook his head, unable to stop himself from sharing Leo’s smile. “I’m trying to reconcile what my mind wants and what my body wants.”

“Your body wants me?”

Jackson was laughing again. “Parts of it does, yeah. Leo, I’m going to be terrible at this. I’m sorry.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know how to make you feel good. I’m going to be so bad at it. I hope patience is one of your virtues.”

He tried to shrug it off, hiding the simmering embarrassment. With Leo, he felt like a teenager, fumbling and inept. Since college he’d liked to think he was good at sex. He had a reputation—not for being a player, but he was a good time. Girls knew that.

Now… now it was like being sixteen again and he was about to get his hands on boobs for the first time. Except it wasn’t boobs, it was balls. He still had no idea what he was going to do with them. He was hoping that through regular exposure he’d start feeling less weird about the idea of sex with another man. Right now, he was definitely edging more toward curious and less toward grossed-out. It was a journey.

“Don’t worry about that, seriously. And it’s not like there’s only one way to have gay sex, you know? We can work it out for ourselves.” He shrugged. “Don’t let anyone make you feel like we have—I don’t know—milestones we need to hit.”

“Isn’t this our third date?” Jackson asked, teasing.

“So you’re expecting me to put out?”

Flirting like this was shockingly easy. Having Leo in his space, soft and comfortable, felt more right than Jackson could ever have anticipated.

“I’m not expecting anything,” he said honestly. “I’m just glad you’re here.”

“I’m happy to be here,” Leo said lightly, and Jackson believed him.

“So now you’ve established that I’m both vanilla and a gay sex virgin, is there anything I should know about you?”

“Oh, I’m boring,” Leo said. “Completely and utterly.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“I like….” He hesitated, reaching for the bag of chips. “I like to feel safe with someone, I guess.”

That pushed at something in Jackson’s chest. Protection, security, strength—he could offer Leo those things. He was good at that. He could give Leo that.

“Sounds like you’re about as vanilla as me.”

Leo laughed. “I’m not convinced you don’t have a skeleton in your closet somewhere. You’re not into bondage? Spanking, flogging, restraints….”

“Okay, I’m going to confess something now. Don’t laugh.”

“No promises,” Leo said easily.

“I have the lowest pain tolerance in the whole world. If I stub my toe, I’ll sulk for hours.”

“Really?”

“Oh, yeah. When I had to have my wisdom teeth taken out, I made my mom come with me and hold my hand the whole time. Then I spent the rest of the day recovering on her couch watching Disney movies.”

“That doesn’t sound unreasonable. Dental work is the worst, man.”

“This was last year.”

Leo burst into delighted laughter. “Oh my God. I thought you meant when you were younger.”

“Hell no.”

“Which movies?”

“Big Hero 6,” Jackson said. “Zootopia. Then I went old-school and found our DVD of Beauty and the Beast.”

“Solid choices. I approve. So we’ve established that you’re a wuss.”

“Hey, now. Did we establish that?”

“You took your mommy with you to get your toothies fixed.”

“You’re mean,” Jackson said. “You’re a mean person.”

Leo laughed again and finished his beer. He stretched in his seat, wriggling into a new position. “Where did we get to on your kinks list?”

“I think we were establishing that I don’t have any.”

“Not true. How are your nipples?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Do you like having them played with?”

Jackson was laughing so hard he almost fell off the couch. “I don’t dislike it.”

“You are impossible! That’s it. I’m going to have to lick your asshole and see how you like that.”

“I’m not sure how those things are related, but sure.”

“Was that consent?”

“Yes, Leo. That was consent. Thanks for checking.”

“Awesome. I have another question.”

“Okay,” Jackson said, still laughing.

“How many women have you been with?”

“You want me to answer that question?”

Leo thought about it for a minute. Then nodded firmly. “Yes.”

“Upward of thirty. I’m not sure of the exact number. But I worked it out when I went for a STD check last year.”

“Huh.”

“Do I get to ask how many people you’ve had sex with?”

“Sure.”

After a second, Jackson sighed. “How many people have you had sex with, Leo?”

“You’d be number twelve.”

“Huh.”

“Not sure what to do with that information?”

“Nope.”

“Me either.”

It was a ridiculous situation; even Jackson could recognize that. He gave it a second, in case Leo wanted to keep the conversation serious, but Leo broke first and snorted with laughter.

“This is so stupid,” Leo said.

“Yeah. I feel like I should say something about not judging any of your sexual preferences.”

“Dude, you’re the one who fucked thirty women.”

“Hey. I like women.”

“Oh, believe me, I know.”

Jackson rolled his eyes. “I won’t….”

“Go on,” Leo said.

“I won’t do stuff while I’m shifted. I just wanted to put that out there.”

The expression on Leo’s face was mildly horrified. Jackson didn’t blame him. He knew there were people who sought out wolves for a specific sexual thrill. Most of the time, they only came out online, but there had been a few memorable occasions in college where Jackson had been propositioned specifically for werewolf sex.

He wasn’t into that. “I don’t judge those who do,” Jackson continued. “But I don’t want to.”

“That’s okay with me.”

“Glad we could clear that up,” Jackson said, grinning.