Chapter Ten

I woke up feeling kind of empty. The evening had gone well enough for Kayla and me. I understood why it had been such a last minute arrangement once we had gotten there. It was some kind of an event for high school and university students. They had wanted influential speakers present.

Thankfully, I had not been required to speak. Kayla had given a speech about the people who had influenced her and what it had taken her to get to the point where she was in life. I found it interesting that she had taken up a fairly long allotment of her speech to tell everyone that just because you got where you had always dreamed that you wanted to be in life, did not mean that you would be happy when you were finally there.

She wanted to make the students that she was speaking to understand that true happiness came from inner peace. To be honest, her speech had made me tear up. I did not know if it was entirely because of what she said or because I had been in such a bad place without Thomas present. Either way, I had gotten far more emotional than I thought I would have. That being said, I felt as though Kayla had hit whatever brief she had been given like a hammer on the head of the nail.

By the time Kayla returned to our table, I had composed myself. I had erased all the emotion except my obligatory happiness for her as her friend. She hugged me and I got the strange feeling that she was trying to say more to me with that hug. It was like she had a thousand things to say to me and she was putting all of her words into the hug. I felt myself calm down marginally as she pulled back.

I wanted more than anything for Thomas to be there with me. Don’t get me wrong. I had nothing against Kayla. In fact, I think I loved her at that point. She was like a sister to me. She was the sister that I never had. I knew that she would accept and love me no matter what. That was something that I had never had the pleasure of experiencing before.

However, she was not Thomas. Thomas would celebrate in my successes as I would in his. He would have kissed me and made me feel like I could take on the world. When I wrapped an arm around his waist for everyone to take photos of, posing for the fans, I would not feel awkward or embarrassed. I would feel confident and happy. I wanted to show him off.

The biggest thing was my fear. I was deathly afraid that my fans, if not all of them, would turn away from me and my band and our music if they found out who I really was. Hell, I was scared that even my own band might turn their backs on me if they found out that I happened to be interested in men. I forced myself to push the thoughts away.

It was easy to get lost in the thoughts of the fear of how people might see you or think about you or treat you. Ultimately, it was up to you whether or not you let those notions dominate your life. I had spent the majority of my teenage years hating myself and trying to change who I was by nature. I had gotten past all of that only once I was no longer under my parents’ roof and intimidation. It was because of them that I had lost Thomas several years before and I had regretted allowing them to do that to me almost every day since then.

I could not undo the things that had already been done. I could move on from them, though. I changed myself and my life for the better. There would always be a part of me that hoped that I might one day reconnect with my parents again when they had learned of acceptance, but I had no idea if that day would ever come. There was no use lingering over it. That would not solve anything for either me or them.

All of these thoughts had dominated my brain for most of the night. Kayla had remarked that I seemed awfully distracted. I could not bring myself to tell her what was wrong.

I made my way into the kitchen, recollecting everything from the previous evening as I pulled the bottle of orange juice out of the fridge. I considered getting a glass but decided not to. I took a swig directly from the bottle.

The hotel suite that had been so cool at the beginning was feeling stagnant.

I went back to my bedroom to shower and get ready for the day. I checked my phone to see that I had several notifications. The majority of my notifications were from social media accounts. The fans always went crazy after Kayla and I posed for photos or attended events or were spotted in public together. Even the band had started to post teasing tweets regarding us. Naturally, the record label loved it.

There were several messages from Thomas and none of them were good. He was ranting at me and I knew that he was upset. I had been worried that it would come up and I knew that it would come up soon.

The first few messages were passive aggressive and they grew increasingly sadder as they continued:

We need to talk.

Seriously, I actually can’t even believe you right now.

Did you think that I wouldn’t know that you were going out with your little girlfriend after ditching me?

Look, I’m actually really hurt right now. I have no idea what I did to deserve this. I just want you to be honest with me.

I didn’t want to say anything before because I figured that you would eventually tell me what was going on. Lately I have been wondering if it’s real after all. I thought that you were full-on gay but if you happen to be bisexual, that means that you are cheating on me and that really is not cool.

There were more messages but they all consisted of the same thing. I could not disagree with Thomas. He was right. I should have been honest with him from the beginning. My blood had gone cold as I read over his texts.

I dialed his number as soon as I was done reading his messages. He answered on the second ring. His voice was sad.

“Hello, Myles.”

“Thomas, you were right. It’s not real. I swear to you it’s not real.”

“What is going on with you and this Kayla chick, Myles? Seriously. And don’t lie to me.”

I sighed. I ran a hand over my face and sat down on the edge of my bed. “The fans were creating our relationship after our first gig. The short and the long of it is that the record label called us in and asked us if we were together. When we told them that we were not together, they asked us if we would get together.”

“So you said yes?”

“No. We told them that we were not interested in each other. They asked us to pretend that we were dating for the sake of the fans.”

“I don’t understand.”

Of course he would not understand. It was nearly impossible for anyone outside of the industry to understand. The record label did not really give you much choice.

“Myles? Are you still there?”

“Fuck,” I said. I really had to stop zoning out. There was something about being on the phone that always made me get lost in my own thoughts. “Yeah. Sorry. I’m still here.”

“Are you and Kayla in some kind of a fake relationship?”

“Yes,” I said. “We didn’t have a choice.”

“Myles, what total bullshit is that? You know it is. You always have a choice.”

“The thing is that my choice would not affect only me. We had a contract to adhere to. The record label is in charge of our relationships too.”

“I actually don’t want to hear this. Are you seriously telling me that you can’t go to the label and say that you want to be with someone else?”

“You don’t get it, Thomas.”

“No,” he said. I could hear the anger in his voice. Maybe it was sadness. I did not know which. All I knew is that it was shaking and it was my fault. I wanted to change it. I wanted to make him feel better. I had no idea how to do that, to my shame. “I really don’t.”

Thomas did not give me a chance to respond. The call went silent. I pulled the phone back and looked at my phone. He had ended the call on me. I felt tears well in my eyes and blinked them back. I was afraid that I had already lost him and I did not know what to do. I resisted the urge to dial his number once again.

I sat on the sofa for the longest time. I did not want to move. It felt like if I moved, I would need to pretend everything was fine. The saying was that life went on but I did not want life to simply go on. I did not want to go through the motions.

Just when I thought that I had gotten Thomas back, it seemed as though I was about to lose him again. It fucking sucked. My stomach felt hollow.

***

I probably sat on the sofa for several hours before I eventually moved. I was amazed that I had been left alone for such an extended period of time. I went to take the shower that I had put off after seeing my phone.

Once I was out of the shower, I got ready and made my way over to Kayla’s suite. She pulled the door open. She was dressed similarly to our first ‘date.’ As soon as she saw me, Kayla’s expression turned to one of concern.

“Do I look that bad?” I asked her.

“I think you had better come in,” is all that she said.

Kayla stepped aside and I walked past her and into the suite. Her suite was nearly identical to the rest of them. The only differences were a few arrangements and layout features. I made my way over to the sofa and flopped down onto it.

There was music playing from somewhere in the background. I recognized the artist as a fellow indie-pop singer. She popped up in the autoplay results whenever either Kayla or my band’s music was playing. I found myself silently mouthing along to the words. It was one of the more happy tunes.

“Okay, I’m going to get us a drink. You can start talking.”

I had no idea why I was in Kayla’s room, really. I did not know who else to turn to. I felt like she would understand better than anyone else that I knew.

“I’m in love with someone,” I said.

“Yeah, I know. Does he?”

Kayla pulled two beers out of her fridge. She turned to look at me, obviously wondering why I was so silent. I was shocked. “He?”

She rolled her eyes as she walked over to the couch. She passed me a beer and took a swig of her own. “Come on, Myles. I happen to have a brain and a pair of eyes. I know that you are into Thomas and have been since that first night – maybe even before then.”

My cheeks warmed under her scrutiny. “How did you know?”

“You notice the signs when someone is going through something you have been through before. I think the only real difference between us is that my mom knows and she is super supportive. She is the only one that knows though.”

“Wait,” I said. “Are you gay?”

Kayla sat down on the sofa beside me and I was sure that she wanted to roll her eyes again. “I kind of thought that you had a brain, too, dude.”

“I was not sure.”

“You were not sure whether or not you had a brain?”

I reached over and playfully punched her in the shoulder. “Hey. That is so not cool. You probably had your doubts, too.”

She shrugged. “Go on then. What happened?”

“He found out that you and I are in a fake relationship. We were supposed to go out last night. I had to blow him off for the event.”

“Oh shit.”

“Yeah,” I said. I took a sip of my beer.

“Did you tell him that it isn’t real?”

“Yeah, I did. I just don’t think that it really makes much of a difference to him. He is still upset.”

“Did you find out why he is upset?” Kayla pressed.

“I guess he is upset because he wants to be the one in your position. He wants me to be honest with people about who I really want to be with. He told me that we always have a choice.”

“Well, he is not wrong.”

I stood up from the couch, taking another swig from the beer. I walked up and down the lounge, pacing. “My choice doesn’t affect only me. I have an impact on my entire band. I can’t ruin their careers because of my own personal feelings.”

“I guess,” Kayla said. “The big thing is that you have to see where Thomas is coming from. He is seeing the guy that he wants to be with plastered everywhere with someone else. And the worst part is that everyone else thinks that you love that someone else.”

“It’s not like that.”

“I know that and you know that. It doesn’t change the way that it feels. Do you know what I mean?”

I sighed. “No, not really.”

“Okay, yeah, I can tell that you aren’t sure whether or not you have a brain.”

“Kayla!” I exclaimed. “Please. I have no clue what I can do to fix this. I don’t want to lose him again.”

“Imagine if you knew that everyone in your life would accept you for who you were and how you felt. You knew that in your heart, like everyone would be okay with you in the same way that Thomas was. Do you think you would never feel like there were people who didn’t?”

I thought about it that way. It was a different sort of perspective. I suddenly realized that I had come to the perfect person.