Chapter Thirteen
Hadley felt Daisy watching her as she worked quietly at the retail desk, adrift in her battling emotions. She used the numbers in front of her as a distraction. She glanced to her right at Daisy and then went back to sorting the receipts from the day before. Daisy didn’t waver. “Did you need something, Daisy?” Her tone came without her usual patience and she hated that. It felt like her emotions weren’t exactly hers to control, and she hated that, too. In fact, she hated everything about today.
“Not so much, no,” Daisy said, delicately. “I just wanted to remind you that I sorted those last night, remember? You asked me to.”
Hadley nodded once and let the folder drop in frustration. “Right. Okay, great. I just wasted a half hour. Good to know.” She passed the folder to Daisy and moved onto the showroom floor, which seemed crowded and uncomfortable. “We have too much out here,” she said, to no one in particular.
“Sales have been down,” Daisy offered.
“I know sales have been low,” she said calmly. “But that doesn’t mean we can let the inventory clutter the space. If anything, that’s likely the reason. Help me thin some of this out for a more pleasing aesthetic?”
“Of course,” Daisy said, dashing over. They worked steadily for the next two hours, pausing only to assist customers, until the store was looking sharp, elegant, and pristine once again. The solid work and achievable goal kept Hadley sane and out of her own tortuous head. Well, as much as possible.
“Had? You doing okay today?” Daisy asked, once they were alone again.
Hadley forced a smile and leaned against the sales desk. “Have you ever had one of those days where it felt like the day was having you? You just watched as the world took you down?”
Daisy grimaced. “They’re the worst.”
“They are.”
“I don’t know if it will help, but I ordered in milkshakes from an app on my phone. Chocolate with Oreos for you. Banana nut for me. Thought maybe you could use a pick-me-up. I know I could.”
Hadley wasn’t sure why, but the kind and thoughtful gesture was the little push that did it, causing her, right there in the middle of her place of business, to burst into tears. “I’m sorry,” she said, resorting to windshield wiper hands. “I don’t know why I’m crying. I mean, I do, but I shouldn’t be doing it. At least not here. Maybe don’t watch.”
Daisy’s arms were around her immediately, and their warmth and stability helped her work her way back to a place of control. “I’m going to take a minute in the office,” she finally told Daisy.
“All the time you need. I’ll drop that shake off when it arrives.”
Hadley squeezed her hand. “You’re a really good person, Daisy. I’m lucky to have you.”
Daisy blushed. “Thanks, Had. I feel the same way.”
Hadley was battling two very distinct emotions and, once alone in her office, she let them go to war. She was likely in love with Spencer and wanted nothing more than for her to stay right where she was and explore a life with Hadley. God, she wanted that for them so badly it physically hurt. Yet Spencer had shown signs of discomfort as things between them progressed. She didn’t fault her for that, but it didn’t change the facts. What was more, Spencer had a life-changing opportunity placed in front of her. Hadley stood, crossed her arms, and walked the small length of the office. If she gave it all up for Hadley, what then? Would she resent her down the road and always look back at this time in her life and wonder “what if?” Of course she would. Not only would she be the girl who stole a drawer, she’d be the girl who stole her future. No. Not okay. She couldn’t be the one to stand in Spencer’s way, as much as she hated what that meant for her own life and what she would lose personally.
“Shake’s here,” Daisy said, and placed the Oreo goodness on her desk.
“Thanks, Daze. I need this.” She picked up the shake and went to town, eating her feelings without delay while part of her began to loosen her grip on something wonderful. It’s what you did for people you cared about, and she more than cared about Spencer.
She loved her.
As she made her way to Spencer’s place a few minutes later, she didn’t permit herself to remember their hours lying in bed, cuddling, laughing, and talking. She didn’t envision the amused smile Spencer got on her face when Hadley said something overly whimsical or how she’d tuck the hair behind Hadley’s ear while she listened to her tell a story. She also didn’t dwell on the high she’d been on ever since their first big bang kiss, when she knew Spencer was different from everyone else she’d ever dated. If she did those things, she wouldn’t make it through the next part of this.
“Hey,” Spencer said with a grin, as she opened the door. “Come in. Minnie was just smacking me around like a bitch while I tried to retool my website.”
“Well, that sounds like a win-win.” Hadley smiled and allowed Spencer to steal a kiss as she passed. She touched her lips, holding in that kiss for just a moment longer.
“You got off early.”
“Daisy had things under control, and I wanted to see you.”
Spencer surveyed her living room. “Ignore the mess. It’s another shipping day.”
“It’s very you,” Hadley said, taking her hand and leading her to the couch. “Do you know what else is you?”
“What?” Spencer asked with a tilt of her head. She immediately pulled Hadley’s feet into her lap, removed her pumps, and went to work, massaging away the stress of the day. The familiar ritual only made things harder.
“Designing in Paris.”
Spencer paused her progress and looked up at Hadley. “I already told you I’m not taking it.”
“That’s a mistake and we both know it.”
Spencer pulled her face back, squinting. “Where is this coming from? Just this morning you begged me not to.”
“I know. I fully realize that, but I was caught off guard and leading with emotion which, you’ve probably realized about me, is my default.”
“I happen to like your default.”
Hadley pulled her foot back and sat up straight. She had to organize her emotions to fit her logic on this one and not the other way around. It was too important. “The more I think about it, the more I realize that you have to do this for yourself, Spencer. You’ll regret it if you don’t. I saw the look in your eye this morning. You were trying to find that common ground, anything to make it happen. I’m here now to tell you that it can happen. It should.”
Spencer didn’t say anything, appearing to take it all in. She rolled her lips in as she contemplated. “Yeah, but I can’t leave now. We’re just getting started.”
That one was harder and the reality sliced at Hadley, painful and raw. “I don’t want to be the person who stood in your way, who kept you here, and I would very much expect you to feel that way about me down the line. Think about it. How could you not?”
Spencer inched across the couch until she was next to Hadley. “Okay. Come with me, then.”
“To Paris?” God, she’d like nothing more. Paris was her dream city and she hoped to make it there one day for a visit, but to move there permanently? Her world was in LA. Her job, her friends, her dads. Everything.
“I don’t know how to just pick up and leave. The babies were just born. Everything is here.” She deflated into resignation. “This is your path, Spencer. I’m not so sure it’s mine.”
Spencer blew out a breath. “This whole thing just sucks. I wish I’d never gone to that lunch in the first place.”
“Don’t,” Hadley said forcefully. “The timing isn’t ideal, but this is the rest of your life you’re talking about. And me? You said it yourself. Maybe I’m just one in a series of important people who will be in and out of your life.” Those weren’t just words to Hadley. The truth was clear. Spencer wasn’t as sure about the two of them as she was, and that had certainly factored in to her decision to let go.
Spencer shook her head. “I didn’t know you when I said that. I didn’t know us.”
Hadley nodded, accepting the explanation but not fully believing it. The idea of Hadley long term made Spencer nervous, and if the decision had to happen now, she couldn’t allow Spencer to make the wrong one.
She leaned in and kissed Spencer, slow and romantic. Her chest ached, her stomach clenched, and she wanted more than anything to be selfish and hold on to what she had. If she said the word, Spencer wouldn’t go. That would be a mistake.
“Maybe you’ll tell me all about Paris someday.”
Spencer nodded, lost.
Hadley could identify.
They just had to get through this hard part, right? Goodbyes hurt the most. Hadley stared at Spencer, her Spencer, who was so very beautiful and smart. “You remind me of this space captain in a book I’m reading. Captain Janika.”
“You’ve mentioned her.”
“Because she’s someone I admire. She set out for the unknown, without any knowledge of what she would find there. By the end of the series of books, she was a hero. That’s you.”
Spencer brushed away the now apparent tears. “I don’t know about all that. I’m a nobody.”
“I do,” Hadley said, commanding herself to brighten. “And you’re not anymore. You’re Spencer Adair and you’re going to do great things. I can feel that as plainly as I can feel how much this all hurts right now.” She stood, and Spencer followed. “No,” Hadley said, and held out a hand. “Maybe don’t walk me out. Let me remember you here, just like this. The hero about to head out on her journey.” She headed for the door, holding in her emotions with everything that she had. She wanted to hold Spencer, to kiss her, to spend the night, and many more, right there with her. While it felt like Spencer was meant for her, she apparently wasn’t meant for Spencer.
“Had,” Spencer said.
She turned back.
Spencer seemed to struggle with the words, opening her mouth and closing it.
Hadley smiled and touched her heart. “I already know.” They stared at each other and Hadley let herself out of the apartment.
* * *
The next few days were a whirlwind for Spencer. There were papers to sign, flights to book, plans to be solidified, and her apartment to pack up. The flurry of activity helped keep her focus on what was ahead, because if she looked side to side, she would likely come apart and scrap the whole idea. Never in a million years would she imagine she’d let someone in the way she’d allowed Hadley in. She was grateful now to know that was possible but couldn’t quite imagine anything coming close to what Hadley made her feel.
Was she convinced she’d made the right decision? Not at all. But Hadley had a point. She’d always wonder, and life was too short for regrets. She was trying to lead with her head and not her heart, the way she’d led life up until this point. It had served her well in the past, and she should stay the course.
Damn if it didn’t hurt, though.
Two days before her plane was set to take off, her parents threw her a small gathering in her mother’s backyard. Family and friends she’d known since she was small mingled in the yard drinking fresh lemonade à la Russell and beers of the world. Her father and mother battled over the grill, serving up chicken, hamburgers, and hot dogs for anyone who stepped on up.
“I can’t believe I’m not going to see you until Christmas time,” Kendra said. She bit into her hamburger halfheartedly. “I’ll be sittin’ on that damn porch alone.”
“That’s only a couple of months from now,” Spencer pointed out. “It’ll give you time to miss me and make a big deal when I show back up.”
Kendra scoffed. “You’ll be so homesick, it’ll be you making the big deal.” She imitated a weeping Spencer, her arms outstretched. “Kendra, thank God it’s you! Put me back together again so I’m whole.” She continued to blubber into her beer.
Spencer laughed, knowing it was a very possible outcome. She’d spent her entire life in LA. Leaving it now felt necessary but awful. No more weeknight dinners with her parents, or porch sitting with Kendra. She didn’t let herself think on her more recent happiness, but Kendra went there anyway, pushing on the bruise.
“I can’t even imagine what you’re going to do without Hadley. She was the sunshine in your Cheerios.”
Spencer felt the corners of her mouth pull downward. “I asked her to go with me.”
“Get out. You did?”
“I think she actually considered it. If I had pushed, she might have agreed. She would do that for me.”
“So why didn’t you push, then?”
“Me and my stupid hangups have disappointed her several times already. What if we got there and I couldn’t get past them?”
“You’re afraid of your own damn demons, huh? Poor, damaged Spencer. Lots of people’s parents get divorced, you know.”
“I do, but this is bigger than that.” She paused, lemonade halfway to her mouth. “I wouldn’t want that to be me and Hadley after I’ve begged her to come to another country with me. I would hate myself for doing that to her if I wasn’t sure.”
“How are you not sure?” Kendra practically yelled.
Spencer glanced around to see who had taken notice of their conversation. “I’m sure I’m invested in Hadley, but what if something along the way were to change. Not just for me, but for her. It could happen, Ken.”
Kendra shook her head. “Once again, you discard the idea that it might never end, cuz you’re a bonehead who’s too stubborn for her own good. Maybe Hadley is better off without you.”
“Hey!” Spencer said.
“Only kidding and you know it. Hi there, Ms. Mary!” Kendra said, waving at their elderly across-the-street neighbor. “How’s that little dog of yours getting on?”
While Kendra was occupied with Ms. Mary, Spencer proceeded inside to see if she could find something harder to spice up that lemonade. Her talk with Kendra had inspired a knot in the pit of her stomach that she needed to do something about. Her mother kept the liquor on the top shelf of the walk-in pantry, and if she remembered correctly—
“Jesus in heaven!” she practically shouted. She dropped her lemonade and watched it run straight into the pantry and pool at the feet of her parents, who’d been making out right in front of her eyes! They broke apart slowly when interrupted.
“Sweetheart, what have I told you about taking the Lord’s name in vain?” her mother asked, smoothing her dress casually like they’d just walked out of Trader Joe’s.
Spencer pointed from her mother to her father, who dabbed the lipstick from his mouth. “You two don’t look nearly guilty enough for what I just walked in on.” She covered her eyes and then uncovered them, realizing that you couldn’t shield your eyes from a sight that happened moments before. She heard the sounds of mingling outside, and realized that her parents were in here sucking face during her party! Her parents! Her divorced parents who were better off divorced! She stepped inside and closed the pantry door behind her. “Is someone going to explain to me what’s happening?” Her heart hammered away and her brain was firmly in the overdrive category.
Her father gestured for her mother to go ahead.
“Your pop and I have been meaning to talk to you for a while now. We’ve found our way back to each other. It just took a little while to admit it.”
She glanced from one of them to the other. “As in, how long? How long have you been carrying on like this?” She gestured around them. “In pantries?”
“Two years?” her father asked.
“Two and a half,” her mother said, more firmly.
Spencer shook her head in anger. Her world slid wildly off-kilter as she reexamined every dinner and family gathering they’d had in the past two and a half years with new eyes. “Why wouldn’t you have said something to me? This is pretty important information to who I am as a person. It affects me.”
“We weren’t exactly sure what our status was,” her mother said, “and didn’t want to upset your world unnecessarily.”
“And this is better?” Spencer asked, exasperated.
“But we know our status now,” her father said, taking her mother’s hand. “Facebook official. We’re in love.”
“Don’t put this on Facebook.” She looked to her mother as the words registered. “In love?”
Her mother nodded and shrugged. “He’s a coot, but I love him. Can’t help it.”
Spencer scrubbed her face. “So, what? You’re moving back in together?”
“Not until we’re married,” her mother said firmly, as if Spencer had lost her damn mind. “Hooking up is one thing. Shacking up is another. We have the Lord to think about.”
Spencer blinked at them.
“We were thinking when you were home for Christmas, we might have a small ceremony. Make it forever then.”
Forever. Spencer grappled. “I don’t even know what to say. This is so bizarre.”
“Say you’re happy for your old man and his lady,” her father said, and clapped her on the shoulder. “We are.”
“In fact, never happier,” her mother said. “We were meant to be, plain and simple. Just took us a while to settle in and realize it. Get comfortable.” She hooked a thumb at Spencer’s pop. “He still annoys the hell outta me. But that’s part of it, too, I suppose.”
Spencer replayed the first part of that sentence in her mind. Meant to be. It registered. Maybe it was possible. A pause. “Okay, then. This will take some getting used to. Um, gotta rewire my brain somehow.” She made circles with her hands near her head. “I’m gonna get back out there and see to the guests.” She grabbed a bottle of Kentucky whiskey for reinforcement. “You guys coming?”
“In a minute,” her mother said, and sent her father sexy eyes.
Oh, good God. She opened the whiskey and poured.
What in the world had she done to deserve this? But as she returned to the party, something in her loosened and a small smile took shape on her lips. Her parents were not only happy, but they were happy together. She could leave them for Paris knowing they had each other’s back. They’d keep each other company in ways she politely chose not to imagine. She sipped her now hard lemonade and exhaled, refusing to be jealous. She reminded herself who she’d always been, and what her priorities still were. Strangely, she didn’t feel like that same person from before. She wasn’t sure how to cope with that reality other than to focus on the good.
Life had a lot of exciting things in store for her.
She just had to keep her eyes trained forward, as she’d done a million times in the past. She’d get there. She would, too, no matter how daunting it sounded. Stay the course, Spence. Stay the course.