Chapter Thirty
Tyler flew out of the nature center so quickly, half the people working on installing the bookshelf called after him, asking what was wrong. But he couldn’t do more than wave them away.
There were some things in his life he could never undo. He could never bring Scott back. He could never make his dad want him again, or his mom get the help she so adamantly refused.
But he had a second chance, and he wasn’t going to put it off another minute longer.
He raced across the field, his heart pounding. He knew he couldn’t believe in certainties. But he also had no idea what he’d do if this didn’t work.
He knew he’d be there first. It gave him time to calm his racing heart. It also let him watch her as she walked across the field in—was she wearing pajamas? And flip-flops? He leaped up from where he’d been sitting on the gazebo steps and ran to meet her.
She still had a bandage on her leg and he could tell by the way she walked that it hurt—even if she’d never admit it.
He didn’t say hello. He didn’t even kiss her, even though that was what he wanted. Time, they would have time for that. If it was what she wanted, too.
Instead, he swept her up in his arms and carried her across the grass.
He thought she might protest, but she laughed, kicking her legs until both her flip-flops fell off.
“Now look what you’ve done,” he said, and she sighed in resignation and put her arms around his shoulders.
“I guess you’re stuck carrying me, then.”
He went to set her on the steps but she shook her head. “The grass,” she said. They sat side by side where they’d lain on their first night together, the night when they’d known so little about each other. And yet it was because they’d been strangers that they’d been able to be so open, to do such things in the dark.
He wished it were possible to still have that, even when they knew each other’s secrets. Even when they’d caused each other pain.
“Abbi, I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have tried to hide that Russ caused the fire. I shouldn’t have used it as a way to push the firebreak through. I shouldn’t have acted like I knew what I was doing when I didn’t have a clue. I was just so worried about you, I was so fucking scared that whole entire time, and it made me blow up, it made me have no idea what I was saying. Believe me when I tell you that all I’ve done since then is kick myself for leaving.” He looked at her, her hair brown now but no less radiant, her face tired but no less lovely to him.
“I thought I was doing the right thing, doing what you wanted,” he said. “But instead I feel like I was giving up on the most important person in my life.”
He heard her inhale. Felt her palm slide into his.
“I was scared, too,” she said. “I was scared from the fire, but if you’ll believe it, I was even more afraid of you.”
“Me?” He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
“Not that you’re scary,” she said quickly and smiled. “That you make me feel safe.”
“I hope I do,” he said, confused.
“I’m not sure you get what a big deal that is.”
He clenched his fists. “If I ever have a chance to line up every person who’s ever made you feel anything else than secure—”
“I’ll tell them to run for their lives before that happens.”
“Although something tells me these days, they should be more afraid of you.”
Abbi smirked, like she was sharing a joke with herself. “Yeah,” she said. “I think these days, I’d carry myself just fine.”
“You’ll get what you want with this firebreak, and you’ll be the favored candidate for the head naturalist job. I’m not going to stand in your way.”
He thought she’d be grateful. But as usual, Abbi didn’t do gratitude. She shook her head. “I’m not letting you do this.”
“It’s too late, I already quit.”
“What about getting a new job?” she said in obvious alarm.
He laughed and hung his head. He really didn’t have a plan. He’d quit his last two jobs with no warning. He couldn’t go back to L.A.—Aidan had filled his spot. He couldn’t put the firebreak on his resume, either.
But he’d figure out a way to collect a paycheck. He was serious when he told Abbi that there were more important things than his career.
First on that list was her.
“I’ll figure something out,” he said.
“I know exactly where you can start,” Abbi said.
He looked at her in confusion.
“Right here. Because I already withdrew my objections and told Walker and Chip to hire you back.”
“What?” His mouth opened in shock.
“That’s why I was a little late. I had to run back in and send that email before I drove over here.”
“In your PJs,” he commented.
“I wasn’t about to waste even more time.”
She grinned, and he couldn’t help falling into that smile…
But still he shook his head.
“You were right, Abbi. The fire Russ set isn’t a good enough reason for the firebreak. It doesn’t overrule all your other objections. I want to listen to you. I want to do what’s important to you. You live here. You know what you’re talking about. If you think the firebreak really isn’t a good call, then that’s it. I’m following you.”
But she said no.
“I’m not going to stand in your way anymore, Tyler. It’s been such a convenient excuse this whole time. This guy who wants to be my fake boyfriend completely blows my mind? Good thing there’s a reason I can’t see him again! The closer we got, the more I had this other reason to push you away.” She leaned her head back, squinting as she looked up at the sun. “It’s bullshit, Tyler. Not my objections to the firebreak—those are real. But I care about you too much to be the reason you’re stalled. I’m sorry that I hurt you, and I’m sorry I held so much back. I don’t want to be that way anymore—especially not with you. And I don’t want you to leave here having quit.”
He felt a tightness in his chest, something that should have been painful but wasn’t. How could something so terrifying also feel like the only right move in the world?
“What if I don’t want to leave?” he said softly. “What if I want to stay here for more than the summer, more than the firebreak, more than just because of some job?”
Abbi turned away from the sun and stared at him. “Tyler—”
“I love you, Abbi. And I can’t stop loving you just because you tell me not to. I can’t stop loving you just because it’d be a whole lot easier if I didn’t. I want to do things for you. I want to fix your screen door and replace your fence and keep you safe and feed you and make love to you and nowhere in that do I want to be the guy who hangs around here for a summer and then leaves, the guy who punishes himself when something great comes along because he feels like he doesn’t deserve it. The guy who fucks up the best thing in his life because his ego, his pride, his resume says there’s supposed to be something on it that says pushed through firebreak his girlfriend opposed so he could take a job he knew he’d hate and keep moving, keep running, for the rest of his life.”
“Don’t,” Abbi said, a finger to his lips.
“Aren’t you listening to me? I’m not doing the firebreak.”
She shook her head. “I mean, don’t stop loving me.”
Boneless. That was how he felt, like every sharp, unyielding part of him up and disappeared. Like he could melt into her.
“Do you really not want to move somewhere else?” she asked.
He shook his head. “Not if I can help it.”
“Then don’t leave. I mean, for now. For—”
He kissed the finger she’d held to his mouth. And then more. Her palm. The inside of her wrist. Kissed up her arm until he was drawing her to him and she—oh God, he had a feeling she’d never be pulling away.
“For however long you’ll have me,” he said.
She straddled him, sitting on his lap with her legs wrapped around his sides. That thin fabric of her pajamas and her T-shirt wasn’t hiding anything. He could see her nipples, feel her heat as she pressed against him.
“You really don’t think I’m awful for what I did with Cash?”
Tyler rested his hands on her hips. “I think Cash is awful. I think you’re incredibly brave.”
“I’ll take the compliment, but you’re crazy.”
He shook his head. “I have a feeling you’ve always been brave. For being you. Going after what you want. Not letting anything stop you.”
“I don’t think those are necessarily good qualities.”
He kissed her forehead. “They are, baby. But it doesn’t matter, because I’m not just signing up for the best of you.”
“You’ll take the shit parts, too?”
“I’ll take all of you. If you’ll take all of me, too.”
“If you’ll stay and build the firebreak.”
“Ah, but I won’t be able to do that when you’re taking what’s going to be the first steps to enact stricter laws in the state. Admit it,” he said when he saw her surprise. “That’s totally what you’re going to do.”
“It’s felt like I’m setting something in motion. But that doesn’t mean I know where it’s going to go.”
“Which isn’t a good enough reason to stop.” He paused. “I want to help you make this happen. I can speak to the firefighting side, the techniques, the things we need. And the things we definitely don’t.”
“We can find some way to build this differently,” she said, and he could see her starting to get excited. “We can start with a better location than what the Forest Service slapped together based on some rushed survey and a whole lot of pressure. We can find a way to really do this right.”
“You want to be on my team, Blue?”
She laughed and ran a hand ruefully through her hair. “I’m afraid I’m not Blue anymore.”
He kissed her nose. “You’ll always be Blue to me.”
“I want us to be on the same side, Tyler. And when we’re not—I want that to be okay, too.”
“As long as you can tell me what you’re feeling. I can’t stand the thought of you pushing me away.”
“It’s hard,” she said.
“I know.”
“But I promise I’ll try.” She bit her lip. “I think I know what else is hard, too.”
“It’s the middle of the day,” he said with a groan as she shifted her pelvis against him.
“I don’t care.”
“Offices in the nature center look right out at this field.”
“We’re sitting on the far side.”
“How come you’re so damn persuasive?”
“Let me love you, Tyler,” she whispered, threading her fingers through his hair. “Let me show you how I feel.”
And so help him, he let her. He’d keep letting her. Because he knew she’d let him love her, too. Not just to say it but to live it every day. Forever.
Even when it was hard. Even when it was scary.
Maybe especially then.