3
Returning to normal after being with Alejandro is like eating plain vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life after having sampled all the other flavors available—mundane, ordinary…blah. All I can think about is what happened in that car…and what came afterward.
It was a good thing we stopped when we had, because once again, we hadn’t used protection. Alejandro and I can’t seem to keep our heads around one another. We’re playing with fire, and we both know it. So, before he dropped me back off at home, I made him promise to pick up some condoms for next time—better safe than sorry.
He had to leave straight after, the nature of his job sending him back out on the road. But he’ll be back in a couple days to finish what we started.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid. After the last time, I can’t help wondering if this is the last time I’ll see him. But he did come back, so I’m trying to stay positive. The thing is, I’m not nearly done with that man. I’ve only scratched the surface...
I trudge through the rest of the day. Knowing that my ex will be coming by for a visit later is something I dread. As I begin putting together ingredients for dinner, I can’t help thinking of how stark the difference is from where I was emotionally a month ago versus now.
Before I met Alejandro, I was miserable, stuck in a permanent state of melancholy and just barely making it through the days. Life after Alejandro is like night and day. I can see a future without my husband, and I’m actually looking forward to it. The unknown isn’t as terrifying as it used to be—if anything, it’s exciting.
The kids walk in the door after school, their father in tow. I barely look up to greet him, as I’m not feeling very warm or inviting toward him today. I don’t hate the man, but I don’t much like him either. He, as usual, is oblivious to the amount of pain and trauma he’s caused. There’s only one reason I allow him to come to the house for his visits: the kids refuse to be alone with him. Everything I do, I do for them. I would walk through fire to spare them pain, and so a few times a week, I have to spend time around the man who dropped a bomb on my life and know that he’s off screwing a girl barely older than our son and acting like a teenager again, while I’m left to deal with all of the responsibilities of raising our children alone.
The resentment cuts deep.
Yet I’m in a good mood for once, because I have the man I love back in my life. I feel like I’m finally gaining some traction. I just hope it sticks this time.
“What are you making?” Mark asks as he lifts the lid on the pot on the stove and peers inside.
“Tacos.” I smile out of habit when he looks up at me.
“Mmm. Are they ready?”
“Yep.” I grab plates and set everything out. Mark helps himself, as always. He still behaves as if this is his house, even though he’s been gone for almost seven months. What irritates me most, is how he avails himself of everything—including my room when he thinks no one is paying attention. My privacy is laughable in his eyes. Again, another thing I try my best to shoulder—for the kids—even though I really want to lay into him. Dealing with him should qualify me for sainthood, given what I put up with.
“Aren’t you going to eat?” he asks when he notices I’m not following suit.
“I’m not hungry right now.” I head into the living room, wanting some distance from him. Like a shadow, he follows. This is a pattern for Mark. He says he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, but like a child, he’s attached to my hip.
“You better not be starving yourself.”
I glare at him. “I eat.”
“I don’t see you eating.” He scans my body, noting my thinner frame with judging eyes.
If I thought I could get away with it, I’d punch him in the face. He’s the main cause for the significant weight loss. When he left, I was so sick, I couldn’t stomach food. It took several weeks before I could start eating normally again, but by then, my stomach couldn’t hold as much as it used to, so I kept losing weight. Now, I exercise daily, so to say I’ve changed is an understatement.
On the flip side, Mark is fatter than I’ve ever known him to be. The weight I lost, he found. Idly, I wonder if the mistress enjoys his ever-widening ass. When they first met, he’d been in peak condition, working out daily. The difference is like night and day.
“Anyway…” I say, infusing my voice with the irritation I feel.
Turning the television on, Mark invariably finds the sports channel and eats while I fiddle around on my phone. I hope for the kids to come down soon, but they’re taking their sweet time settling in. I wouldn’t normally care how long it takes them to change their clothes, but I could use the buffer.
While reading a news article on my phone about a newly-discovered Greek mosaic, a text from Alejandro pops up on the screen. The buzz catches Mark’s attention, and his head snaps around. He’s highly attuned to everything I do, for a man who has no interest in me.
I can’t keep the smile from my face, and I don’t try to. Immediately, I open the text and read it.
A: I miss you.
Me: You just left lol
Me: I miss you too <3
A: What are you doing?
Me: Talking to you.
A: Lol
A: What else
Me: Sitting here
A: Your husband there yet
Before Alejandro had left, we’d talked. A lot. I explained more about my situation and how Mark and I were working it out. We’ve decided to keep things as normal for the kids as possible, which means that sometimes we hang out as a family. Alejandro wasn’t exactly thrilled to hear that, but he seemed to understand.
Me: Unfortunately
A:
Me: It’s okay baby. He’s just visiting the kids. You’re my number one.
A: Okay Mami. I believe you.
Me: Good. You’d better ;)
A: I love you
Me: I love you too
A: Why are you so good to me?
Me: Bc you’re good to me.
Me: And I love you
“What are you smiling about?”
Mark’s voice is an intrusion that shocks me. I got lost in Alejandro, which is easy to do. The man consumes me.
“No one,” I say, brushing Mark off. Contrary to what he might think, my life is none of his business.
In a condensing tone, he asks, “Your boyfriend?”
My gaze snaps up. I want to say no, because I don’t want him having any more insight into my life than he already has. But I don’t want to lie. For so many reasons, I tell him, “Yes, actually.”
The pleasure that rushes through me when his eyes shoot open wide and his entire body freezes is unparalleled. “Yeah right.”
I cock an eyebrow. “I’m serious.”
“No, you’re not.” When I just smile and look back down at my phone, I can almost feel the panic shoot out of his pores. “Are you for real? You really have a boyfriend?”
“Yes.”
He pauses to digest this new information. When he finally speaks again, he’s back to his condescending attitude and total disbelief. “What’s his name then?”
“Alejandro.”
That shuts him up again. He probably thought he’d backed me into a corner with that question, but unlike him, I’m not a born liar. “That’s not even American.”
“No shit, Sherlock.” I don’t care if I sound rude.
“Where did you meet this guy, online?”
He makes “online” sound like a dirty word, and my resentment for him grows. “Yes.”
“When?”
“Almost two months ago.”
He grows quiet again, staring at the television, but I can tell he’s unfocused.
My phone buzzes again, and I give Alejandro my full attention.
A: What would you say if I asked you to move and be closer to me?
I’m shocked for a moment. I wasn’t expecting that question, but as with all things, when it comes to Alejandro, I have to be honest.
Me: We’d have to be together for a while before I can say I’d follow you anywhere.
Despite what I’ve just told him, inside I want to say yes. So bad. But things with Alejandro move fast—almost too fast—and I need to find my head somewhere. I’m not a kid anymore, and I have three of my own to consider. Plus, I highly doubt Mark would approve.
A: I like how you answer. I know you not crazy.
Me: Well I don’t know about all that lol
A: You’re not
Me: How can you be sure?
A: Instinct
I like how he answers. He seems so sure of me, and I need that right now.
Me: What would you have done if I said yes
A: I would love you forever
Of course, my screwed-up mind jumps to conclusions right away. Had I said yes, he would love me forever, so does that mean he won’t because I said no? I need to take a chill pill before I seriously lose my mind. Mark has turned me into a crazy person.
I become aware of Mark staring at me, and I turn off my phone. He uses the opportunity to launch into fifty questions, all about who Alejandro is, where he’s from, how tall he is, if he has kids, what he does for a living, and more. Then he has the nerve to tell me to “be careful.”
“I’m always careful, Dad,” I say with plenty of snark.
“Just make sure you use protection. Don’t go being like your sister.”
My sister has made her share of mistakes in life. She’s not exactly the best decision maker, and it’s made her life more difficult than it needs to be, but we’re not one in the same, and after seventeen years together, he knows this. So, he’s just being a dick, and I don’t appreciate it. Besides, who is he to judge? My ire is piqued.
“You know what, Mark, I’m an adult and I don’t need your opinions or advice on how to live my life. I’m living it just fine already, thank you very much.”
“Well, you know what I’m saying.”
“Yeah, I do, and might I remind you that you weren’t exactly safe in all of your exploits. You didn’t for once think of me or the kids when you were off fucking everything that walked, were you? So, don’t sit here and tell me how to run my life.”
He seems shocked that I would speak to him like this, but he needs to realize that he no longer has a say in my life. He’s the one who walked out, and therefore, he’s forfeited any right to commentary, as far as I’m concerned.
“Fine, but I have a right to know who my kids are going to be around,” he argues.
“If and when they are, then you’ll know. Until then, what I do and who I do it with is none of your business.”
At that, Mark takes his plate and walks out of the room. I hear his footsteps trail upstairs and a moment later the door to the bathroom closes.
It’s Mark’s favorite place. It’s where he spent most of his time before the split nurturing his affair. So the next time a man says he’s just pooping, I’ll break the fucking door down and make sure with my own eyes.
My trust, I guess, is nil.
I’m glad he walked away when he did though. Trying to be civil with someone who has so little respect for anyone is tiresome. Good. Riddance. I take a deep breath and realize I’m shaking from the encounter. I’ve never been good with confrontation, but it feels good to finally have gotten something off my chest. I’ve been playing the nice, even-tempered, understanding person for too long.
My phone buzzes with another incoming text, and I pull it up.
A: I can’t wait to come back and see you
Me: Me too Papi. I miss you like crazy already
A: Send me a pic
Me: Ugh, you ask so much of me! You do realize that I have to take a hundred pics, send up prayers, and make a sacrifice to the gods just to get one good one.
A: You’re funny Mami. But you don’t need to do all that. You only need one bc you so beautiful.
I grin, feeling a hundred times better already. Once again, Alejandro knows exactly what to say, and so I give him exactly what he wants.