Ashland, Oregon

 

“I never imagined I’d find myself here again. Especially not this soon.”

Zeke reached across the console and took Finley’s hand. “Thank you for coming with me.”

“Well, it’s not like I was busy selling my house or refurbishing my aunt’s house.”

“You’re rich. You can hire people to do that stuff for you.”

“Oh, yeah. There is that.”

He laughed, lifting her hand to his lips.

The day Finley had gone to see Zoey in jail, he’d made a fateful decision of his own. He called his oldest son. They hadn’t talked in more than five years, not since he moved out of the family home. He hadn’t expected Justin to answer, but he not only answered the phone, they also talked for nearly an hour. And then Justin had asked him to come to Ashland for his birthday that weekend.

He was going to be twenty. The idea of it was mind-blowing to Zeke.

The party was to be at a public park in Ashland. Zeke had made sure he wouldn’t be intruding on his wife in her new home with her new husband. That would have been too much for the first reunion meeting. But a public place where Justin’s friends would be something of a cushion seemed almost ideal.

“Do you have any idea what to expect?”

Zeke shook his head. “What kind of a party do you throw for a twenty-year-old kid?”

“I don’t know. My aunt and I always had quiet little celebrations.”

“Yeah. Me and my folks, too.”

He tried to imagine what his son would look like now. He’d been just a skinny kid the last time he saw him, an awkward fifteen year old who was still trying to adjust to his changing body. He was an adult now.

And his brother? Jake was seventeen now. Nearly a grown man.

The thought of it all was a little overwhelming for Zeke. A part of him just wanted to remember his boys the way they were the last time he knew them. But knowing them now, getting to know them as adults, seemed like a gift.

The question was, was it a gift he deserved?

They checked into a hotel in Ashland, taking a few minutes to freshen up and catch their breath after the long drive. Zeke stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom, staring at his reflection.

“I already know that I won’t recognize them when I see them. But will they know me?”

“I’m sure they will.”

Zeke touched a hand to his chin. “I was thinner the last time they saw me. And a little less gray.”

She touched the little bit of gray over his ears. “You’re not that gray, and what there is is quite distinguished. It looks good.”

“What if I don’t know what to say to them?”

“What if you do, and you have a wonderful time?” She slipped her arms around his waist. “You can’t sit here and let yourself become overwhelmed by the what ifs, Zeke. If you do that, you’ll never find all the potential that’s waiting out there for you.”

He sighed softly. “I just don’t want to be an embarrassment. Or a disappointment.”

“I don’t know how you could possibly be either.”

He turned slightly and pulled her against his chest, dropping a kiss on the top of her head. “What did I do to deserve your kindness?”

“You were kind to me first.”

 

***

 

The park was huge. It took them a few minutes to find the signs Justin had said would point them in the right direction. When they did, Zeke’s heart jumped into his throat, and he almost ran the car into a tree.

They parked among the dozens of other cars that were in the little lot near the meadow where the party was taking place. Finley came around and took his hands, drawing him out of the SUV like he was a child, or a dog that was frightened of his own shadow.

“We’re here now. It’s too late for doubts.”

He nodded, but couldn’t speak because of his heart lodged so deep in his throat.

It was a barbecue. There was music playing and food spread out on several tables. People were sitting on blankets and at tables, laughing and talking, as carefree as they should be at a birthday party. Zeke didn’t recognize anyone he saw.

He didn’t know his own children!

But then…he saw him standing at the grill, his arms around a petite blond. They were swaying to the music as they spoke to some of their friends, laughing at a joke someone had told. He was mid-chuckle when he must have felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. He turned, catching sight of Zeke just as his confidence was waning, and he was seriously thinking of sneaking away.

“There he is,” he said softly enough that only Finley could hear him.

“Go say hello.”

Zeke couldn’t move.

Justin hesitated. Zeke could see the emotions moving over his face. He couldn’t read them clearly, but could see that there was a cloud. Was he angry? Hurt? Indifferent?

Indifference was what Zeke feared the most.

Justin broke away from his friends, saying something to the girl in his arms before he let her go. The whole group turned to look, curiosity clear on their young faces. That only added to Zeke’s fear.

Justin seemed to take a thousand years to cross the distance between them. His eyes flicked briefly to Finley, but seemed intent on Zeke’s face.

“Hi,” he said as he came close enough for polite conversation to become necessary.

He was taller than Zeke had imagined he’d be. Tall and lean, just like Zeke himself had been at his age. He had his mother’s blue eyes, but his father’s dark hair. His shoulders were broad, and he had a build that suggested he’d kept up with football over the years.

He was a good-looking boy. A strong, capable-looking boy.

“How are you, Justin?”

He tilted his head slightly. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“I appreciate you inviting me.”

Justin studied him for a long moment. “I wasn’t sure what this moment would be like. I waited a long time for you to show up again. I imagined all these things I’d say to you, but I just…I can’t remember what half of it was.”

Zeke nodded. “I understand.”

“Do you?” Justin glanced behind him, back to where his friends were watching with open curiosity. “Jake’s over by the football field with Mom and Brice. You should go say hello.”

“I will.”

Justin nodded again. His eyes moved over Zeke once more. “Mom told us you were sick. She said you’d come around when you were feeling better. I guess she was right.”

“Like I told you on the phone, I had a lot I had to do to be healthy enough to see you.”

“You told me that.” Justin glanced at his friends again before focusing on Zeke once more. Then he suddenly stepped into him and gave him a quick hug. “I’m glad you’re better. And I’m glad you’re here.”

He walked away then, returning to his girl and to what was familiar to him. But he continuously glanced over at Zeke, like he wanted to make sure he stayed.

“That wasn’t too bad,” Finley said.

Zeke nodded. “It’s a start.”

 

 

Jake was a chatterbox now, just like he’d been as a small child. He told Zeke all about his classes and his fascination with science. He wanted to be a doctor one day, and it looked like he was going to do it. He already had offers for three full scholarships to three Ivy League schools.

He was a smart boy.

Everyone else was polite. There was a lot of curiosity, and it made Zeke feel a little like a bug under a microscope. Maybe meeting at a party hadn’t been the best idea, but it was what it was.

Finley was a hit, however. She always managed to make friends everywhere she went, and this was no exception. Someone recognized her name, and she was quickly surrounded by fans of her movies, people who wanted to know what it was like to be a screenwriter. It was their one chance at touching fame, and they were taking full advantage of it.

Overwhelmed, Zeke took a moment after the food was served to sit alone under a huge tree just to the side of the meadow. He sipped from a bottle of soda and watched a group of kids play soccer in a nearby field.

“Do you remember all the soccer games we attended when Justin was eight?”

Zeke glanced over his shoulder and watched Diane, his ex-wife, approach. “I remember you attended dozens of them, and I managed to get away for three or four.”

“It was more than that. That was before the narcotics squad.”

He nodded. “It was.”

“Before everything changed.”

Zeke put his bottle down and rubbed his hands together. “I never told you how sorry I was for that.”

“You loved the work. You loved the role-playing.”

“I did.”

“You thrived in that job. I could see it in you, see how happy you were to be undercover all the time.”

“It was an adrenaline rush. Like skydiving.”

“Maybe I should have gotten you skydiving lessons instead.”

“Maybe.”

She smoothed her skirt over her legs and took a seat beside him in the dirt. “I heard you’re working security now.”

“Yeah. Bodyguard work, mostly.”

“Sounds a little safer than busting drug cartels.”

He snorted a little. “I never busted a drug cartel. Just the street dealers.”

“But it helped, right?”

“I like to think so.”

She glanced over at the party, focusing on Finley for a second. She was still surrounded by people, still talking about her movies. She caught them watching and lifted her drink toward them, mouthing something that looked like sorry in his direction.

“She’s quite a hit.”

“She’s quite a personality.”

“I didn’t think someone like her would be your type.”

“What is my type?”

Diane shrugged. “A good woman who doesn’t complain until things are so bad that she doesn’t recognize her husband any more.”

Zeke glanced at her. “I’m truly sorry for the way things went down. I never meant to hurt you.”

“I know.”

“I never even intended to stick with the police force. I was going to be the next Perry Mason, remember?”

“I do. I still have some of those law books you used to sit in bed and read.”

He laughed. “I was a little obsessive.”

“I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t gotten pregnant with Justin when I did. Would you have still become a cop? Would you have still gone into narcotics? Or would we be living a totally different life now?”

Zeke thought about that for a minute. “I wonder sometimes how one little change would make life different. But then I think maybe things happened the way they did just because that was what was meant to happen.”

“Yeah?”

He reached for her hand, but hesitated. It’d been five years since he last saw her, five years since he’d had a right to touch her without asking. But that memory was still there and was so strong that he was finding it hard to remember she wasn’t his anymore.

She reached up and took his hand, ending his hesitation.

“I hate that I allowed my addiction to hurt you so deeply.” He tilted his head so that he could see her pretty face. “I hate that it tore our family apart. I hate that it ruined everything we built together.” He sighed. “But I look at those boys, and I know that you did an amazing job with them, and I wouldn’t change that for anything.”

“They are good boys,” she said, her voice heavy with unshed tears.

“Maybe this was the way it was meant to be. Maybe if I’d been the husband and father I should have been, they wouldn’t be the boys they are now.”

“I don’t know about that. You were a good father.”

“I want to be.” He looked at her again, drinking in the familiar features. “Are you happy? Does Brice make you happy?”

She rolled her shoulders. “He’s a good man.”

He nodded, his eyes moving back to Finley. “I’m sorry for everything I ever did to hurt you. I loved you so much…but maybe it wasn’t enough.”

“Maybe we loved each other too much.”

She leaned over and reached for him, drawing his face to hers. Their lips touched for a brief moment, a familiar kiss that was foreign all at the same time. She had been his once, but she wasn’t anymore. And that kiss underscored that.

It was bittersweet. But he was glad they’d had the chance to talk.

She walked away a few minutes later, went back to her new family. And he went to Finley, pulling her away from her fans long enough to steal a proper kiss.

His addiction had destroyed everything that mattered. But maybe fate had a way of taking the darkness and bringing it back into the light.

He was finally at the end of that tunnel, and it felt good to stand in the sunlight.