Voices.

Fading in and out.

Men’s voices…my brothers…are they arguing? No…no. Not really. It’s just their version of a discussion.

Dad! Dad…the sound of his voice makes my heart hurt.

He sounds tired, but his voice is steady and reassuring.

Fading in, and then fading out.

Mom’s voice, too. Worried.

Dad’s steady voice, reassuring.

Am I missing a family meeting?

I try to swim up out of the darkness that I find myself in. But…I can’t, something’s holding me back.

Dimly, I remember wearing my racing suit. Maybe my racing suit is dragging me down in this deep, black water I’m in.

Half-heartedly, I struggle once more to swim upwards… but my body is so tired.

So tired.

It’s warm here. And somehow, I can breathe.

I’m not afraid. I can just let myself drift…drift, not draft…and I sink back downwards until sleep wraps its arms around me again.

From far off, comes Kazuko’s voice.

“Good girl, my Suzumushi! Sleep now…sleep.”

* * *

When I open my eyes again, I’m gazing up at a field of speckled ceiling tiles.

The low murmur of voices again, rising and falling.

Beeps. Coughing coming from a ways off somewhere.

A tinny voice on an announcement system, quietly saying “Dr. Berg, please call the nursing station. Dr. Berg, call the nursing station.”

I’m in the hospital.

I…Mark!

Something happened to Mark…and me.

I lay still, for a moment, and it slowly comes back.

The race…shit!

I crashed. Memories of the big THUD followed by the rapidly-flipping visuals flit through my mind.

“Damn,” I say, and my voice comes out as a croak.

Clearing my throat, I try again.

“Hello,” I say, and it comes out fine.

Alright. Voice works. Now, I start experimentally moving my limbs.

Arms: A bit achey, but not too bad. Definitely not broken.

My right arm has an IV line inserted, but when I check out the bag, I can see that it’s just a saline solution.

Standard procedure, no indication of anything drastically wrong.

Legs: Also achey, but not horribly so.

Bend knees, flex ankles and toes. They’re fine.

Hmmm.

The palms of my hands hurt some. I hold them in front of my face. They’re sore, with some bruising where my fingers join my palms.

Steering wheel death-grip, I guess.

But something else happened too…something good.

Didn’t it?

I can’t quite pull it out…I kind-of groggily remember that sometimes, having an accident makes you lose your memory.

Maybe it will come back.

I test my head by turning and tilting it, this way and that. Yep. It’s a bit achey-and fuzzy, but obviously still attached to my perfectly functional neck.

So far, so good.

Now, to sit up.

Oh…okay. Yep, there’s where it hurts.

My stomach feels like I did about eight thousand sit-ups.

Geez!

I suppose this is the result of being immobilized by the safety harness in my car. Nothing broken, but my guts got a stirring, for sure. And maybe…

I lift the sheets and look under my hospital gown.

Yup. A little bruising there from the harness straps, probably.

But I think…I think other than bruises…I’m fine.

And since there are no weeping family members standing around, telling me how much they love me and will miss me when I’m gone…it’s a good bet that I’m gonna live.

Pushing the bedclothes all the way off, I swing my legs off the bed, taking my time.

I don’t feel all that bad, actually.

Brain fog, yeah…bit achey and sore, yeah. Groggy, like I slept too much and can’t quite wake up.

Yawning, I sit still, trying to remember…something good…something exciting…reaching for it…reaching…

Yeah…oh, no!

I remember!

Mark blew a tire and spun out. I saw it, I was right behind him.

A big boom. A jarring thud.

Then…nothing.

Shit! I must’ve crashed into Mark! I hope he’s okay!

Oh God, please let him be okay.

But that feeling of something good comes back, giving the lie to my anxiety. I sit still, holding my breath, trying to remember.

Something exciting.

But I can’t quite dig it out.

But, at least it’s over…thank God the race is over!

Right now, my bladder tells me that I have to pee really bad.

Carefully, I stand up. I feel a bit dizzy but I just hold onto the bed rail and it passes quickly. Taking a deep breath, I go to the bathroom, bringing the IV stand with me. On the counter in there, I find my pink Hello Kitty tote bag with some clothes and toiletries.

Using my toothbrush, I check my reflection out in the mirror.

I don’t look too bad for someone who was in a racing accident.

Like, not bad at all.

Hmmm.

But I can’t quite remember what happened after Mark spun out.

I need to find out if he’s okay.

* * *

Holding my hospital gown shut behind me, I trundle my IV stand to the nurse’s station to see what’s going on. A nurse in bright pink scrubs sees me and bustles over, insisting that I get back into bed until the doctor says otherwise.

“Your family’s been here for half an hour. You were still sleeping, so they went to the cafeteria for breakfast.”

“Do you know anything about my boyfriend, Mark Mollenkamp? Is he in this hospital too?”

“I don’t think so,” she says as she escorts me back to my room. “But I just came on shift, it’s been busy. I’ll check and let you know, but right now, it’s best if you wait in your room until the doc sees you.”

I climb back into the bed and she helps me settle under the covers. She takes my blood pressure and temperature and pronounces them normal, and then asks me a bunch of questions.

“The doc will be along shortly,” she says as she makes notations on my chart.

Behind her, a big form looms in the doorway before strolling all the way into the room.

Mark!

He’s carrying a styrofoam take-out container in one hand and a large take-out cup in the other.

Tied to his wrist are some foil, helium-filled balloons. They all say Get Well Soon or some variant of that.

But one says Happy Birthday.

That’s right! Today’s my birthday!

“Someone need a doctor? Doctor Feelgood in da house,” Mark says, smiling.

My stomach un-clenches as relief fills me. “Mark! I was worried about you!” I sit up as if to get out of bed again.

“No, stay put, stay put. I’m fine. We were worried about you,” he says. “Happy Birthday, baby!”

Putting the food down on the bedside table, he nods to the nurse before leaning down for a smooch.

“How are you feeling?” He smooths my hair back and gives me a smile, then ties the balloons to my bed rail.

“Fine, I think,” I answer, smiling back. “This is my boyfriend!” I say to the nurse. She nods and smiles, busy with her notations.

“Hi,” he says to her. “Is it okay for her to have cafeteria food? I saw what they’re feeding the other patients and took pity on her.”

Only now that I know Mark’s okay do I realize how hungry I am.

“Sure,” the nurse says. “She’s likely being discharged today anyway.” Turning to leave, she says, “She was worried about you. Glad to see you’re okay. Good luck!”

Mark and I thank her, then he pulls the portable table over to my bed and opens the container. Scrambled eggs, sausages and pancakes with syrup on the side, garnished with orange slices. He pulls up a chair and sits down, watching as I spear a sausage round and eat it in two bites.

He laughs. “I see your appetite’s not affected!”

“Starffink,” I mumble, mouth full. I swallow. “What happened?”

“Oh, you don’t remember? The doc said you might have some memory loss. You crashed, sweetie. You’re fine though. Your safety harness, the safety barrier…everything worked as it should.”

“Crashed?”

I reach for it…yes, it’s there.

Thud-doom, and then numbness, silence.

“I feel fine, just a bit sore. I do remember the crash…but nothing after that. Who won? What happened, Mark? Don’t keep me in suspense!”

“Well…there’s good news and bad. Let’s start with the good. After you got settled and were sleeping peacefully last night, your parents insisted that I go home with them.” he says, eyes twinkling.

I pause, mid-chew, and stare at him.

He chuckles. “It was good. Your mom and dad were both awesome. They said I belonged with the family and wouldn’t hear of me staying here in the hospital, or in my apartment, alone.” He smiles. “Your dad apologized. More than once. He said he’s stressed, Marie. Very stressed.”

“What about?”

“He said he had to make a decision and we’ll all find out soon. He wouldn’t tell Tommy anything either.”

“Shit. I wonder what it is?”

“I don’t know. He’s tired, though. We’re all tired. Nobody I slept much. We came back here first thing and had breakfast together, too. These are his clothes!” He chuckles. “They’re giving us a moment to be alone before they come up.”

“I…wow.” I feel stupid and slow, like I’m still a little out of focus. “That’s…I’m so happy to hear that. My dad’s not mad at anyone? Not mad at me?”

“Nope.” He sits forward in the chair and puts a big warm hand on my leg over the covers. “So you remember the whole thing now, sweetie?”

“I remember the crash.” A green wall looms in my memory. “Yeah, more or less. I think.”

I eat another forkful of eggs, chewing thoughtfully. It seems like it was someone else involved in the crash, and not me. “I remember Kazuko. She…she…”

“Kazuko?” He tilts his head curiously. “What about her?”

Her voice, telling me not to follow. I open my mouth to tell Mark, but then I shut it again.

No, it’s too crazy. It was just a dream.

And besides, it feels…well, private.

I’ll leave that between me and her for now. But I can tell Mark part of the truth, at least.

“I remember I had a dream about her before the race.”

“Huh.” He narrows his eyes but lets it go. “Okay. Well, the doc said that you do have a concussion and some internal bruising. Nothing too serious. You walked away from the crash but you kept talking about Kazuko. You got a little combative with the infield paramedics, so they had to sedate you. They kept you lightly sedated all night to help you sleep and recover. You’re okay, but, we were worried for a bit.”

I stuff a huge bite of pancake into my mouth, chew, swallow, and then say, “I remember that you spun out…I was worried about you. But you’re obviously okay.”

“Yes. I’m fine. You remember anything else?”

“Yeah…not exactly. I mean, kind of. Something’s there…feels like, something good?”

He laughs, that boyish chuff that I love so much. “Do you remember what lap it was when I spun out?”

I chew another bite of pancake thoughtfully. “No. Yes…wait…wasn’t it…the end?”

He’s smiling. “Yes!”

And it hits me. I remember…I remember!

“Hey! You…Mark! Mark!” I pause, remembering how I was trying to draft behind his car, right after overtaking the Mustang.

Then I heard Kazuko’s voice and I made my last-minute change of direction.

The Mustang was in second place because Mark was in the lead.

“Markus!!! You…did you…weren’t you in first place?”

“Yes!” He sits forward, eyes alight, sexy smile growing even wider.

“Mark! Did you…you won, didn’t you?” I’m sitting bolt upright no, food forgotten,

“Yes!!” He shouts it, pumping a fist in the air.

My body stiffens with happy shock, my hands clasping together in front of my chest.

“Congratulations!” I shriek, bouncing in place and holding my arms out.

Laughing, he flings himself towards me and scoops me into his arms.

Breakfast forgotten, I’m delirious with joy for him.

“But…hang on. What’s the bad news, then?”

“The bad news, sweetheart, is that you came in second. I’m sorry but I had to win this race. I hope there are no hard feelings?”

That sheepish, boyish, devilish smile…I want to see that smile beaming at me forever.

“Mark…you devil…of course not! I’m so happy for you! And so fucking glad that damn race is over!” I wipe my eyes and sniffle. “Oh! Hey! Someone must’ve gotten video, right? I want to see it! Who’s here? Didn’t you say my family’s in the cafeteria? I betcha someone has video on their phone!”

“Yes, yes, everybody with a phone has video, no doubt. Your dad, your mom, all your brothers, my brother probably, and there was more than one news crew there, so…”

The rustling, bustling sound of a bunch of people coming down the hallway outside my door grows louder, and my mom and dad come into the room, followed by Tommy, with Brenda bringing up the rear.

“She’s up! She’s awake! Happy Birthday,” my dad says.

“Happy Birthday, sis!” Tommy calls out.

“Happy Birthday to you too, brah!” I call back, grinning.

“Happy Birthday, Marie-chan!” Brenda’s called me by that old nickname many times since she heard Kazuko use it way back when were kids, but today…today it brings an extra little chill down my spine.

The two of them come to my bed to give me hugs and kisses, and hand me flowers from the gift shop. Brenda’s is a multi-colored arrangement of wild flowers, with little Teddy Bears clinging to the green stems. Tommy chose a more subdued and dignified potted orchid, in a delicate shade of pink.

They move back so my parents can come stand by my bed.

“Ree-Ree,” Mom says, her voice warm and full of affection. She bends down to hug me and kiss my head. “Happy Birthday, darling! How are you feeling?”

“Pretty good. Thank-you,” I say, hugging her back and inhaling her familiar, comforting fragrance. “And thank you for taking care of my honey last night!”

“Pshaw, of course,” Vivian says. “Family is family. He’s one of us now, whether he likes it or not.” She strokes my hair lovingly. “As for you, you’ve got to get out of here so we can celebrate your birthday properly!”

“Yeah, I can’t wait!” I squeeze her hand and smile.

“Hi, baby girl,” my father says, quietly. “Happy Birthday.” His eyes are sad, but hopeful.

Poor Dad!

Everyone looks at me expectantly.

My heart clenches. I’m filled with a sharp, bittersweet relief, tinged with sadness and worry, all mixed up together, making my chest hurt and a lump rise in my throat.

Suddenly, its hard to talk.

“Hhh…hhhh…hi, Dad,” I manage.

Overwhelmed, I put my face in my hands and sob.