Chapter 19: Letting Go

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Marcus

The sun disturbs my slumber, pushing through the east-facing window of my bedroom. Usually, I close the blinds, but I didn’t want to get up last night. I didn’t move the whole night, which is unusual for me.

Amy is curled at my side sleeping soundly. Happiness ripples like warm liquid in my chest at the sight of her creamy skin in the morning light, her blonde hair spread out around my pillow. I wrap around her, wanting nothing more than to keep her here. I want her with me forever.

My phone buzzes. It’s still a workday, and I completely blew off yesterday, not even checking in, because she needed me. I’d do it again in a heartbeat, but I’ve got to call Evan at least.

Kissing her shoulder, I extricate myself from her arms without waking her. I don’t bother to dress as I pick up the phone and read the text.

Need to get your feedback on McGruder.

It’s the insider trading deal I gave him. He’d handed me a file with his brief in it on my way out of the office yesterday, and now it sits in my kitchen untouched. Glancing back, Amy’s still asleep. I step into my dark jeans discarded on the floor and go to retrieve it.

Back in the bedroom, I take my glasses off the table to read his major points. It’s good. Professional. All the bases are covered, and he’s managed to downplay the relationship between the assistant and the owner. Evan has come so far so fast. He’ll be ready to join the partnership at the end of this year.

Picking up my phone, I punch out a quick reply. Looks like exactly what I would do.

No more grasshopper?

I exhale a chuckle. Your training is complete.

Will you be in this morning? I might be a master, but I still have questions.

I’ll be in before ten.

Putting my phone aside, I glance at the clock that reads eight thirty. Pushing off the floor, I turn to the bed. Amy’s eyes are open, and I brace myself for her response. Will she pull away again? Be awkward or defensive? My breath stills as I wait for it.

Her eyes focus on mine, and she does neither. She smiles.

My chin drops. My head momentarily rests on my forearm as relief washes over me. Then I climb onto the bed to where she’s lying.

“Hi,” I say, pulling her body to mine.

“Hi,” she says back. Then she reaches up and takes off my glasses, slipping them over her eyes. “How do I look?”

I lean down to kiss her lips. “Amazing.”

She smiles and lifts her chin to kiss me again. I don’t hesitate to return it.

“What will we do this morning?” Her fingers cover her lips, and I drop my nose to touch hers.

“I’ve got to go to work, and I know you want to see your mother.” I kiss her nose now. “But first, I want to take you to breakfast, and then I want you to meet me for dinner tonight.”

Another little laugh, and I can’t get over how changed she is. I want to ask why, but I don’t want to do anything that might change her mind.

“Sounds like you’ve got my whole day planned out.”

I kiss her once more and take my glasses back before releasing her and sitting up. “I’ll get dressed, then I’ll drive you to the condo so you can change.”

She blinks down before looking up at me through thick lashes. She doesn’t have to say what she’s thinking. I remember everything she’s told me, and what she needs to understand is I’d never let her do a walk of shame. She’ll never be ashamed as long as we’re together.

“Come on.” I hold out my hand, and she takes it.

It feels like another giant leap in the right direction.

* * *

Amy

Marcus is all around me. He’s strong and determined. He’s comforting and kind. He’s gentle, and this morning he’s so happy, I can’t help smiling. Sometime yesterday—at the hospital or last night, when we made love—I decided without even realizing a decision was made.

He’s all I want. My heart moved to his, knit with his, and now I’m sitting here trying to figure out what comes next. I’m in uncharted waters, but the scariest part is I don’t want to run.

We drive to the condo. He’s dressed for work in slacks, a white oxford, and a light blazer. I change into a thin wrap-top romper and heels. On the way out the door, I scoop up the Tiffany’s box containing Sylvia’s ring. I plan to spend the day with her at the hospital.

“Where are we going?” He doesn’t get the car. Instead, he leads me down a few blocks west, away from the lake.

“The Market.” Pulling my hand into the bend of his arm, he covers it with his. “You’ll like it. Lots of French things.”

My nose wrinkles, and I lean my head against his shoulder. “I’m falling in love with Chicago things.” Or a Chicago person.

Lowering his arm, he clasps my hand as we arrive at the open-air shops. “Here.” He stops at the first vendor and orders breakfast crepes and coffee.

I take a bite of scrambled eggs and cheese with caramelized onions and earthy mushrooms wrapped in a thin crepe.

“Mm!” I groan. “This is delicious!”

It’s meaty and lightly salty with a velvety tang from the cheese. He grins and sips his coffee. Passing the lady cash, he picks up a tiny breakfast bagel.

“Why is mine so much bigger?” I laugh, pushing his arm as we lean against the standing bar.

“You don’t have to finish it.” He lifts a fresh strawberry from his cup of fruit and holds it near my mouth.

I lean forward to bite it, and a bit of juice covers my bottom lip. Heat flickers in his eyes, and he wipes it with his thumb before pressing his mouth to mine, sending shimmers of joy through my insides.

My voice is thick when I speak again. “We could’ve shared.”

“No.” Smokey hazel moves from my mouth to my gaze. “It’s for you. It’s my favorite.”

Pulling the wrapper down, I hold it to him. “Take a bite. Go on!”

He follows orders then playfully groans. “So good.”

“Yes. We could’ve split it.”

“But I’ve got this little guy,” he says, waving the tiny ham, egg, and cheese sandwich.

“Not enough for a growing boy.”

Leaning into my ear he whispers. “I’m fully grown.”

And I’m on fire. “Yes you are,” I whisper back.

A quick kiss and he polishes off his meal. “Come with me.”

I take my last bite and toss the rest, catching his outstretched hand. We head deeper into the market until we reach a flower stand. The scent of assorted floral arrangements fills the air. Enormous bunches of white and lavender hydrangeas overflow shiny silver buckets. He leads me past lilacs and tulips to a bin holding tissue-pink peonies. Quickly he scoops out a bouquet and steps to the register. Minutes later, they’re in my arms.

“Beautiful!” I sigh, sniffing their delicate, sweet scent.

“We can stop and grab a vase.” My hand is in his again, and we’re walking back toward the lake, toward the hospital. “Put them in your mother’s room. They’ll help her feel better.”

My lip catches in my teeth, and I swear I have to kiss him again. We haven’t stopped touching or kissing each other since we opened our eyes this morning, and I’m not ready to stop now—especially when he thinks of Sylvia this way.

I’m so in love with all of it, and at the same time, itching at the back of my mind is the other woman who’s stolen his time and attention these last several days. We have to talk about her. We will talk about her tonight over dinner.

“It’s such a nice morning.” His arm is over my shoulder, hugging me tightly to his side. “I’ll probably walk to work.”

“What about your car?” He left it parked in front of Sylvia’s building.

His beard lightly scuffs my temple as he kisses my brow. “I’ll get it when I take you to dinner tonight.”

We’re at the entrance, and I turn to face him. His arms surround me, and he only looks deep into my eyes. So many things I want to tell him, but he only kisses me. Our noses touch, our chins touch, and our lips hold each other’s. We’re not making out at the entrance to the hospital, but the sweetness of his kiss is enough to flood my panties with heat.

I’m sure my cheeks are flushed when he straightens again, his eyes fixed on my mouth. “I’ll pick you up at seven. Text me where you are.”

A quick nod, and he’s gone. I’m walking on clouds all the way to Sylvia’s room, vase forgotten. When I reach the door, however, I stop in my tracks, completely shocked.

“Bill!” It’s a whispered exclamation.

My reclusive uncle, my father’s younger brother, who never leaves the horse ranch he owns in Great Falls, Montana, is standing outside my mother’s door talking in a low voice to Stuart.

It’s a familiar sight. As much as my oldest brother has always been exactly like our father, he’s always been closest to this relative we never see. Both Stuart and Patrick would spend weeks every summer with him, working and doing God knows what. I was always with our mother.

His dark brown eyes light under heavy brows. “Little Amalie.” He grins under a thick mustache.

My response is automatic. “I hate it when you call me that.”

“It’s why I always do.” He chuckles, but I can see worry in the tense lines around his eyes. “You’re even prettier when you fuss.”

Walking to me, he catches me in a hug, and I’m surrounded by the scent of sandalwood and fresh air with the faintest background of hay. It’s the smells of the ranch, and I feel nostalgic for the old place. It’s where Patrick and Elaine were married at Christmas. I was still in Paris.

“What are you doing here?” Bill is my father’s sibling, and while I appreciate his concern, it seems unusual for him to make the long trip to visit my mother.

Clearing his throat, he looks down at his boots and slips a hand in his back pocket. “Your brother called me right after he talked to you.”

I look to Stuart, and my oldest brother’s eyebrows rise slightly. I get the distinct impression he’s signaling me, but I’m have no idea about what.

“Were you able to see her?”

My uncle smiles and warmth glistens in his eyes, almost as if he’s fighting tears. “She looks good.”

Relief burns so hard in my chest, I almost drop the bouquet. “I need to see her now.” It’s the same feeling I had standing in her kitchen last night—overwhelming emotion.

Without waiting, I push past Stuart to her door and go inside. A nurse is with her, taking her vitals, but my beautiful mother leans her head to the side.

“Amy.” So much warmth is in her tone, I have to cover my mouth to keep from crying. “Are those for me?”

She smiles, and the nurse steps back. I rush forward to her bedside, hesitating only a moment before reaching for her shoulder, her cheek. “Oh, Mom.” My voice breaks, and I blink down as two tears drop onto the soft pink flowers.

“Shh.” She catches my hand, clasping it in both hers. “It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry... I’m so so sorry.” The tears won’t stop, and she pushes higher in the bed, taking the flowers from me and making me sit beside her.

“Why are you apologizing?” Her cool hand touches my chin, lifting it.

“I didn’t know you were sick.” I sniff and she hands me a tissue. “I didn’t know you had a scan.”

“I didn’t tell anybody I’d had a scan.”

“I haven’t been a bit of help to you, and you’ve been saying you felt bad.”

“Stop.” Her thumb is over my lips. “I won’t hear another word of this Amalie Michele. You did not come back to Chicago to play nursemaid to me.”

“But I did come back for you.” I take her hand, holding it in both of mine, sliding my fingers over her palm. “We haven’t gotten to do half the things I want.” I haven’t gotten to tell you what I need to say.

“I’m glad to hear it.” Blinking up, I see her smile is back. “The doctor says I can go home tomorrow, and I’m looking forward to spending time with my family. Who knew I only had to have a little heart attack to get all of you under one roof?”

“Don’t even say that.” My eyes squeeze shut. “It was the worst moment of my life.”

Pulling me to her, she hugs me tight. “I know, I know. Still, if you hadn’t been with me...”

Fear clenches in my chest at the thought. Thank God I came back from Paris when I did. I sit back and pull up my purse.

“I’ve been meaning to give you this.” Taking out the light blue box tied with a white ribbon, I hand it to her.

“When did you have time to go to Tiffany’s?”

“A few weeks ago. It was when I got my gala dress.”

She opens the box and gasps, “Oh, darling, I love it!” just as I hear Patrick entering the room.

She squeezes my hand, and her eyes shine when she sees my brother—of the three of us, he’s the most like her. I move back to allow him to hug her. Elaine is right beside him, reaching for Sylvia’s arm.

It’s their turn to talk and hug and express their gratitude and relief. I head for the door, hoping I can find a vase in the gift shop for the flowers Marcus sent.

Stuart’s alone just outside the door sending a text. I pause, remembering his signal from a few minutes earlier.

“Hey,” I say as he finishes up. Brown-hazel eyes blink to mine. “Just a minute ago, it seemed like you were...?” I’m not sure how to finish that statement, but he picks it up.

“Patrick was the first to notice. You weren’t in Great Falls at Christmas.”

My brow lines. “Notice what?”

Glancing over his shoulder, he catches my elbow, leading me away from our mother’s hospital room and across to a secluded area in the waiting room.

His voice lowers, and he double-checks our surroundings. I can’t imagine what he’s about to tell me.

“It seems Mom and Bill are... Well, I don’t know how far it’s gone, but they’re definitely—”

“Hooking up!” The idea crashes through my mind, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. My first instinct is extremely overprotective. “How do you know?”

“They haven’t said anything, actually.”

“Then it’s all just hearsay and innuendo.” I’m not sure why this is making me so angry.

My brother’s brow lowers. His voice is sharp. “Patrick and I think it’s nice. She doesn’t have to be alone anymore.”

“She’s not alone,” I snap right back. “She has me.”

“What happens when you meet somebody?”

“I’m not going to meet anybody.” Not sure what the hell I’m saying right now, considering last night and this morning. “She’s never going to be alone again.”

“Amy,” his voice changes. It’s placating, like he’s soothing a stubborn child. It irritates me. “Don’t you see? That attitude is probably why they’re hiding it. They think we won’t understand or support them.”

“They’re hiding it because it’s wrong. He’s our uncle!”

“It’s not wrong.” He sounds amused now. “They’re not related.”

Where have I heard those words before? Is this some kid of weird trend? Doesn’t anybody have any imagination anymore? Flashing my eyes up, I see the amusement in his expression.

My jaw grinds. “What’s so funny?”

“You’re still holding onto that old line?” Muscled arms cross over his chest. “Insisting you’re never going to meet someone, never going to settle down?”

“Settle.” I turn the word over in my mind. Is it settling if the person who steals my heart overwhelms me with his mere presence? “I’ll never settle.”

“You know what I mean.”

I’m breathing too fast. Sylvia’s attack, Bill’s appearance, the fact that every single one of them has found someone to love and is moving forward with their lives, while I’m still at the water’s edge being left behind.

It’s because I’m the only one alive who remembers. I’m the only one left who’s scarred. The words leave my mouth of their own accord. “You never watched someone you trusted crush someone you loved.”

Light flickers in my brother’s eyes. This time when he catches my arm, he leads me out the side entrance. The two of us are alone in the alley, and he towers over me, all six-foot-two inches of intimidation bearing down on me.

“Say that again.” His voice is a low command, but I’m not afraid of him.

“You got the fairy tale, the idyllic life where nobody hurts anyone. Nobody lies.” I’m not meaning to cry, but tears coat my cheeks. Going back to this place is something I never thought I’d do. It’s something I never wanted to do.

My brother steps closer. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying it’s easy for you to believe in true love and happily ever after.” He reaches for my arm, but I shove his hand away. “Don’t you dare judge me because I can’t.”

“Why can’t you?” His gaze is intense, moving from eye to eye. “What do you know?”

My throat aches, and a desert is in my mouth. “The truth,” I manage. “I’ve always known the truth.”

Stuart’s hands grip the tops of both my shoulders. “How long have you known?” My brow lines, and he gives me a little shake. “When did you find out?”

In that moment, everything changes. “You knew?” Is it possible I’m not alone?

He fixes me in his intense gaze a few moments longer. Then, as if making a decision, he releases the truth. “Dad wasn’t just a hardass. He was a bastard who cheated on our mother for years.”

Tears seem to fly out of my eyes. My center collapses, and I nearly fall forward. Stuart holds me up against the wall. “I caught him with Linda Harwood on our balcony Christmas eve. He said it was a mistake, made me swear I wouldn’t tell Mother.”

Those words almost break me. The tears won’t stop as the horrible images filter through my memory.

My brother keeps going. “Some years later he was in the Blackwell’s master bath with Pamela. I’m pretty confident he never stopped cheating.”

“Let me go, Stuart.” He does. His hands drop, but I don’t run. My shoulders curl together as my insides collapse, as I roll to my side against the wall.

Digging in his pocket, he hands me a handkerchief. I bury my face in cedar-scented cotton, clutching my elbows to my chest. I wait, listening to my heart. Has it run away again? Is this the end for me? For a moment, I feel nothing. My emotions are quiet. I brace for the signal, the raging push of rejection to rise in my stomach, the need to run harder and farther. Australia...

A knot of pain moves in my throat, but it doesn’t happen. All I think is Marcus. I need Marcus. I need him to hold me.

He’s still in my heart. It hasn’t pushed him out.

“When did you know?” My brother doesn’t seem to notice, or at least he doesn’t understand my inner turmoil.

I think of that gross, life-altering day so long ago. “Fourteen,” I answer. “I was fourteen.”

“Then it was Linda.” His voice is flat, matter of fact. “I’m pretty sure theirs lasted the longest.”

A shudder crosses my shoulders. “How can you be so removed? Don’t you care?”

“Of course, I care,” he growls. “Why do you think I devoted myself to something honorable? Something I could control.”

Until Mariska...

My mind goes back to that day, my father standing over me, eyes blazing. “You will not tell your mother,” he ordered. I hadn’t said I’d tell her, but he could see it in my young eyes, and he crushed the idea as surely as he crushed me. “You will not break her heart and destroy our home.”

Destroy our home. He put all the responsibility on my fourteen year-old shoulders. Back then I was a child. I didn’t understand what he did, and I wasn’t strong enough to fight him.

“I believed him,” I say, even though I’m sure Stuart won’t understand my meaning. “I believed if I said anything, I’d break our mother’s heart.”

Strong arms surround me, and for the first time in... Ever? My oldest brother holds me. I’m clutched so tightly against his chest, I almost can’t breathe. He hugs me, and I feel the slightest tremor move through him.

We share the pain of the horrible secret we each carried for so long alone. The thing I want to apologize to our beautiful mother for so much. I betrayed her with my fear.

“It was not our fault.” His voice is husky. “The only thing we did wrong was believe him.”

With those words, the fist inside me opens. “Oh, Stuart.” I feel my body melt into him. I feel the wall of stone I’ve constructed around my heart start to crumble. “If only I knew. If only I knew you knew.”

A large hand moves slowly up and down my back. Never in my life has my oldest brother been so comforting. All I’ve ever known is the wall he built up, the one he used to push us all away. The same wall I carried inside me. He expressed his hurt differently, but we were both running from the betrayal planted so deep by one of the two people we should’ve been able to trust.

A few moments pass. My breathing calms, and I feel him pulling back. Arms relax, we step apart from each other. I touch under my eyes with his handkerchief before handing it back to him.

“Thank you,” I say quietly.

He pats my shoulder and stands a little straighter, always the good Marine. “I guess this explains a few things.”

My troubled teen years. The wreck I made of my life in high school. The reason I went so far away to college. The reason I ran... Until now.

“You couldn’t have known.” We’re quiet a few moments longer, and my brow lines. “Does Patrick...?”

Stuart shrugs. “He’s never mentioned it.”

“It’s not something you can really ask.”

“It never was before.”

The change in his voice breaks through my confusion. “Bill.”

“I think he loves her.” He steps back, hands in his pockets. “All those years I spent with him. The time I was there last fall. He’ll treat her right. Like she deserves to be treated. Like she’s always deserved to be treated.”

My chest clenches, and I nod. Heat fills my eyes, but I don’t want to cry anymore. I want to bury the past. I want to stop carrying the sins of my father and allow my mother to be happy. I want to be happy.

“You know him better than all of us,” I say. “If you think he’ll make things right, he’ll love her—”

“I’m sure he will. I’ve seen them together.”

Nodding, I blink up to meet his eyes. “Then I’m onboard.”

He touches my hand briefly. “She’ll be okay, and you can move on with your life. Find someone and settle down.”

I manage to smile, thinking of a Sunday afternoon not so long ago. I won’t settle down. I’ll fly.