Chapter Twenty-One
Jo
I opened my eyes and everything came flooding back. The accident, thinking I was going to die, Clint carrying me up the hillside, knowing I was going to live, then being admitted to the hospital. The fluorescent light hurt and my knee pounded with pain.
“You awake, babe?” Clint murmured, his voice soft with sleep.
“Yeah.” I tried to smile and cracked my eyes open.
He’d been sleeping in a folding chair, resting his head on the wall. I reached to him and he took my hand. All of my pain drained away for a moment as he squeezed my fingers. So warm, so strong. I was lucky to wake up beside him, even if it was in a hospital bed.
“You need anything?” he asked, rubbing his eyes as he sat up.
“I have to pee.” I giggled. So much for the fairy tale. “Can you call a nurse to help me?”
“I got you,” he said, picking me up.
Between the fact that my knee was immobilized in a brace and the pain meds, it didn’t hurt much as he carried me to the tiny bathroom in the hospital room. He placed me on the toilet and I blushed. Sure, I’d helped many of my patients, but no one had ever needed to help me. This level of intimacy was a first for me.
“I can get it from here,” I assured him.
I used the toilet and sat there for a moment before the tears started to fall. I was crying, alone in a hospital bathroom, because on the other side of the door was a man that I loved more than I ever thought possible.
“You okay?” Clint called. “You’ve been in there awhile.”
“I’m fine.” I wiped my tears and smiled. “Just one more second.”
Once I had finished up on my own, I pulled myself up so I was standing on one foot before I knocked on the door. Wordlessly, Clint picked me up and put me back in bed.
As Clint was tucking me in, a nurse walked in. “Hi, I’m the day shift nurse, Susan. Good to see you up and about. How are you feeling?” She handed Clint a clipboard. “The admittance staff forgot to have you fill out a few forms.”
Susan asked me whether I was seeing double, or if I had any pain besides my knee. It was the typical routine that I had trained for. I watched her closely to make sure she remembered to ask all of the questions. She did.
“You know, everyone has been asking about you.” She winked as she removed the automatic Velcro cuff. “I don’t think you need to wear this anymore.”
“I used to volunteer here, night shift. I needed to get my hours. I’m taking the boards in a couple of months,” I explained. I’d never run into her; she must be new.
“That’s what I heard.” Susan paused as she took my pulse and checked it against the machine. “I’ll tell everyone you’re doing fine, but to stay away and give you two some privacy. Your vitals are normal and your knee is only badly sprained. The doctor should be in soon to talk about aftercare and physical therapy.” She looked at Clint. “I’ll be back in ten minutes for those forms.”
As soon as she left, Clint put the clipboard in my lap. “I think you should fill out the rest.” He jumped out of his folding chair and looked out the window. I couldn’t see the view, but based on my previous volunteer work, he was staring intensely at the parking lot.
“Are you okay?” I frowned. “You seem a little shaken up.”
“I’m fine.” His eyes never left the window. “You should fill out the forms.”
Clint had already written in my name and address, but it wasn’t his usual writing. He’d forgotten one of the letters in our street name and everything overall was shaky. Last night must have been hard for Clint to be so morose this morning. Looks like I wasn’t the only one affected by the awful crash.
I picked up the pen and started to fill out the paperwork. It was hospital-standard name and signature of the person accepting financial responsibility, privacy agreement, and other requirements.
“Don’t put me down as your emergency contact.” Clint was leaning against the far wall, with his hands shoved in his pockets. “You should put down your sister or someone else.”
“I haven’t seen my sister in nearly a year and her last known address was a drug den in Seattle’s International district.” I put the pen down and studied his face. He had dark circles under his eyes and there was a light sheen of sweat on his forehead. “If I have an emergency, I’d like them to contact you. Are you feeling okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he snapped. He started to pace, not making eye contact. He took a bandanna out of his back pocket and mopped his face.
“Why don’t you sit down?” I suggested. He looked worse than me and I was the one in the hospital bed. “Maybe get you some water. Then we can go home, okay? Just have a quiet night. I think you need some sleep.”
Clint stopped pacing and turned to face me, but stared at the floor. “I’ll be sleeping at the club tonight.” He took a deep breath. “And all the other nights.”
“All the other nights?” I repeated, confused. I was feeling pretty alert, but maybe the pain meds were affecting me more than I thought. I laughed, trying to lighten the mood. “That sounds like you’re breaking up with me.”
“I am.” Finally, he looked me in the eyes. “I’m breaking up with you.”
The world started to spin off its axis, and I don’t think it was a result of the pain meds. I covered my face with my hands, trying to restart the day, or the last two days, or the conversation, or something.
The metal chair squeaked as Clint sat down next to me.
“Babe?” Gently, he pulled my hands away from my face.
I had to look at him.
“Do you remember our kiss at the clubhouse, when I promised everything would be okay? It’ll be just like I promised. You’ll keep your job as long as you want. You can finish school. You can keep living with Nana. I won’t make you feel weird. I’ll put all of your clothes back in your room. I’ll handle everything. We’ll just break up and you’ll go right back to life as normal.”
The tone of his voice had changed, like when an adult offers a child a special treat—as if life without him would be enticing. He nodded a little bit, as if wanting me to agree.
“My normal is loving you,” I admitted. “I know we’ve only been together a month and we haven’t said it, but I’ve never felt this way about anyone.” I didn’t want to say more and scare him with how I thought about him when my car went over the side, or tell him he was the most important person in my life. I didn’t know what to say. We had shared every aspect of our lives together. “You helped me to the bathroom.”
I burst into tears. Had I imagined everything? Had our entire relationship been some one-sided fantasy? What the hell was going on?
He picked up my hand and tenderly kissed my knuckles. After he placed my hand back down on the sheet, I heard the chair squeak and footsteps.
He was leaving me.
“No, wait!” I cried out, blinded by tears.
Forgetting about why I was in the hospital, I ripped the blankets off and jumped out of bed. Pain shot up through my leg as I tried to run after Clint. Even with the brace, my knee crumpled under my weight and I went down. Clint turned, his face ashen. I’d grabbed an empty IV stand as I hit the floor, the metal bar smacking the linoleum floor with a loud clang.
Before I could really process what happened, Clint was scooping me up and cradling me against his chest. He held me for a moment as I wept. He kissed my forehead and then laid me on the hospital bed. Tears were shining in his eyes.
“Don’t make this harder,” he choked out. “I gotta go.”
Three nurses ran into the room, all asking what happened.
“She forgot she was injured and tried to get out of bed,” Clint explained. His voice sounded perfectly normal now, as if nothing had happened.
The nurses began checking my vitals. When I looked up, he was gone.
* * *
I hadn’t seen Clint for more than an hour since that morning in the hospital. He spent his time with Nana when I was at school, and occasionally he’d come home to do laundry, but we were mostly ignoring each other. He still hadn’t explained his reasons. After a couple of days, I stopped crying. The women from the club took turns caring for me and Nana. I was on crutches and, thanks to my fall from the hospital bed, had strained muscles in my groin as well. Recovery had taken longer than originally thought, so I was glad for the extra help around the house.
Nana snored softly from the living room as Krista and I sat at the kitchen table. I was bouncing baby Ava on my lap, feeding her Cheerios. Krista helped me get Nana to dialysis that day because my knee was still healing and Miri, another one of the old ladies, was a lawyer and had to be in court, so she needed someone to watch the baby. Bettes dropped by a plate of sandwiches she had left over from a catering job. They had pitched in to help Nana and me as soon as they learned about what happened in the car accident. I felt like I was one of them, except for the fact that I wasn’t anyone’s old lady.
Today was the first day he’d left a note. Instead of putting it on the refrigerator, he slipped it under the door of my bedroom. It was just for me. Every free second I had, I ran back to my room and looked at it.
“So, Clint left me a note,” I told Krista. “He said he’d be gone for a few days.”
“Oh yeah,” Krista said, putting down her lunch. “The guys have a run. They’re leaving in a few days. It’s just a road trip. He’s making a delivery for the club.” She squirmed in her seat. “The prospects will keep the garage open. I heard Roach is pretty good as a mechanic. So, are you ready for finals? They’re coming up soon, right?”
I knew a change of subject when I heard one. Being the girlfriend of the VP, Krista probably had more information than she was letting on. I wondered what she wasn’t telling me. Maybe Clint was going to see someone? I had no hold over him. He could have a woman somewhere that I didn’t know about. My blood ran cold at that thought. He never really gave me a reason why he wanted to breakup, so there had to be more, but I had no idea what it could be.
“Yeah, two more weeks until finals.” The baby let out a squeal, so I grabbed another handful of Cheerios and set them down in front of her. “I’m almost to graduation.”
“Have you decided what to do when you’re done?” Krista asked. “Clint said you guys were going to have to rethink the situation with Nana.”
I’d been thinking about my life a lot. I’d tried to talk to Clint a number of times. Once I even showed up at the garage and he refused to talk to me. I left in tears. Roach ran after me to make sure everything was okay. At least he was a gentleman.
“I’m not sure what I’m going to do.” I didn’t want to tell Krista I was planning to quit before I told Nana and Clint. “I want to get a nursing job, but it might take me a while. I hope to keep working with Nana until I find something and can move out.”
“Oh.” She shrugged. “There’s no chance of you sticking around?”
I knew what she was asking. She wanted to know if Clint and I were going to get back together. When I got back from the hospital, Krista, Bettes, and Miri had known about my relationship with Clint. I tried to be mad at him for telling them without discussing it with me, but I was so grateful for their help that I didn’t care. Nana never let on that she knew, but she would catch me crying at odd moments and Clint had basically moved out.
Krista pressed her lips together. Oh yeah, she knew.
I plunked a handful of Cheerios in front of little Ava. “You remember the party at the club? I told you all about my date who messed up the good-night kiss?” I smiled at the memory. “Clint was my date that night.”
Krista’s hand flew to her mouth. “No. He was the bad kisser?”
“Yep.” I tried to laugh but it got caught in my throat. “Of course, he had to have a second try to prove that he was a good kisser. We were together for a month and then the accident happened and he broke up with me, and I have no idea why.”
“Have you tried talking to him? These bikers of ours, they don’t always communicate that well.” Her eyes got a faraway look, as if remembering something.
“Don’t I know it. I’ve tried everything—I even showed up at the garage one day to force him to talk to me. He refused to come out of the office,” I admitted. “I haven’t seen him in two weeks. I think it’s time to give up.”
“This is going to sound trite,” Krista began. “But don’t give up. Colt and I have had our differences, and he even went back to California for a while. It was a dark time, but we made it through okay. One of these days I’ll tell you what went down.” She reached for the baby and I reluctantly gave her up. “I’m gonna go put Ava down in her car seat. I have to drop her off at her mommy’s office soon.”
One of these days she would tell me. That meant she was going to wait until Clint and I were officially together, because something was a secret. I wasn’t quite part of their special club yet.
I’d had a taste of their little group and I wanted more. The friendship, the laughs, the support whenever you needed something—it was damn addictive. But the most addictive of all was Clint. I missed his arms around me.
* * *
Tonight I had class. These were the only times I saw Clint. He would sit outside on his motorcycle until I left. The first night, I walked out to talk to him. He simply kicked the bike into gear and drove around the block. I waited. After three laps, I was late for class and gave up. No matter what I did, he ignored me.
As I got ready to go to class, I examined myself in the mirror. Jeans, T-shirt, hoodie—it was practically a uniform in the Seattle area. There was no need to put on anything more alluring; it wasn’t like Clint would even talk to me. Hell, he was going on a trip and wouldn’t be around. I stared down at my makeup bag. Maybe he would come home early tonight to pick up a few things and I could catch him. Maybe I should dress up a little more, just in case I saw him. I put on some eye shadow and nearly reached for my red dress. Why was I trying so hard to force something between us? He obviously didn’t want a relationship, and makeup and a sexy dress wouldn’t fix that. It was nearly time for him to come home. I grabbed my books and went to wait on the couch.
As I was walking down the hall, I heard the front door open. He had come inside the house. Maybe he was ready to talk. But when I rounded the corner into the living, I realized it was Bettes. I’d given her a key the day I got home from the hospital.
“Hey.” I threw my books on the couch. “Everything okay? What’s going on?”
“Clint asked me to stay with Nana while you were at class tonight,” she explained, hanging her purse on a wall hook. “He’s leaving in a week for the run. The guys are staying at the clubhouse. They’ve got some stuff to do before they go.”
“Why is he staying at the clubhouse? Why isn’t he coming home?” I asked. Shit. I’d hoped to say goodbye and maybe something more tonight. It was a long shot, but I still had been hoping.
“I’m sorry, sweetie.” She patted my shoulder. “When he gets back, maybe you guys should talk.”
I hated seeing the pity in Bettes’ eyes as she watched me. Apparently I was the transparent lovesick woman and Clint didn’t care about me at all.
“I’d talk to him if he would talk to me.” I scowled. Then I remembered Bettes wasn’t the person I was angry with. “Thanks for coming tonight. I’ve gotta run, but I’ll see you when I get back.”
I practically ran out of the house. Wrenching open my car door, I closed my eyes. Clint had gotten up early the day after my accident, winched my car up the hill and back to his garage. Then he fixed everything at no cost. A couple days after the accident, my keys were on the table and my car in the driveway, in perfect condition. You didn’t do this if you didn’t love a person.
Is this my lot in life? I asked myself as I cranked my engine started. Was I doomed to pine away after some guy who didn’t care? Hell, maybe he was already dating someone else. I had no idea because he never spoke to me.
The entire drive to school, my two-hour-long class, and the drive back home was just a blur. Bettes was still awake when I got home, but I could tell it had been a long night for her.
“Do you need to talk?” she offered. “I could stay and we could chat. I mean, if you want to.”
“No, thanks.” I hoped my answer came out politely. “I just wanna go to bed.”
Bettes left and I tried to go to bed. I lay on my left side, I lay on my right side. I lay on my back. No matter what, I couldn’t sleep. It was hot, so I took off my pajama bottoms. Nothing worked.
Finally, I sighed and got up. I needed to do something. Something besides fantasizing about Clint in the bed that he bought me. Ugh. After throwing on a robe, I wandered into the kitchen for a drink of water.
I had left some pans to soak after dinner. After finishing my water, I decided to start a load of dishes. It’s not like I was getting any sleep. As I scrubbed, the sleeves of my bathrobe kept slipping down, so finally I ripped it off in frustration. I could do dishes in my tank top and panties—it wasn’t like anyone else was around.
Clint was at the club, probably staying the night with Sapphire or someone else. That was just fine, because he’d dumped me, so he was welcome to screw whoever he wanted. Just because I was still in love with him didn’t mean I had a hold over him. I banged a pot against the stainless steel sink. There was no one to hear but me. Nana had her hearing aids out, so a bomb wouldn’t wake her.
Just as I was putting the pot in the drainer to dry, the door from the garage to kitchen opened. Clint stopped on the threshold. He didn’t have his usual easy grin; instead he wore a scowl. His clothes were wrinkled and he still had on the bandanna he wore underneath his helmet.
But at least he was dressed. Shit. My robe was across the room hanging on the kitchen chair. Our eyes met, but all he did was turn away. Of course, he’d already seen me naked, so panties weren’t particularly interesting.
“I heard you were gonna be gone for a while,” I said, turning back to the dishes. I didn’t want to press him too hard. Maybe we could have a conversation.
“I needed to get a few shirts,” he said, dumping his keys and pocket change on the counter, near the phone. “You need any money? For groceries or whatever?”
“You left food money yesterday.” I reminded him. “So, you’ve been busy lately. Lots of work?” I scrubbed extra hard at some stuck-on cheese to try to demonstrate that I didn’t care that we were having a real honest-to-god conversation. It was just small talk, but it was a step.
“Yeah, lots going on.” He leaned his forearms on the counter and stared out the kitchen window. “You know those days when you have to do something but you know it’s gonna go bad?”
“Yes.” I nodded and rinsed the soapy pan. “What’s going to go bad?”
“I can’t tell you,” he said. Clint put his index finger on my shoulder and ran it down my arm. Tingles began to fire all over my body, and I shivered. Was this some sort of seduction? If it was, would I allow myself to fall into his trap?
Yes.
“Oh.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say. His finger was running back up the length of my arm now. “Is this the first time you’ve ever had to do something like this?”
“No,” he whispered against the back of my neck. He was standing behind me now, and I could feel his body heat. “I’m just more scared this time around.”
He was scared? I tried to catch his gaze in the window behind the sink, but he ducked his head behind me. He placed both hands on my lower back and began to knead. This was bad, so bad. I wanted him too much and he was confessing his fears to me. Just like you would do if you loved someone.
“Tell me what you’re afraid of.” I whispered, leaning back against him. He felt dangerously good.
“I’m afraid of not coming home,” he murmured. He slid his hands over my belly and pressed me against him. Through my thin cotton panties, I could feel him, hard inside his jeans. I started to grind against him. “I’m afraid of not seeing you again.”
“You don’t see me now,” I whispered. I meant for it to come out as a bitter condemnation, but his hands slid up over my breasts and I could barely breathe.
He took one of my nipples between his fingers and pinched it. I gasped.
“I need you, Jo,” he growled. I tried to turn, but he held me in place. “I know I don’t deserve it.” His voice was rough, as though he dragged it across gravel. His other hand slid down, between my legs. “Come to bed with me. Just this, tonight.”
I was already wet. I wanted him, he knew I wanted him. There was no point in denying it. But he was so raw, I had to find some way to distance myself and try not to fall in love with him. If I went back to his bedroom, the intimacy would doom me.
“Here,” I demanded, rubbing my ass against his dick. “Here in the kitchen. Do you have a condom?”
“Yes, but I want to taste you first.” He began sliding my cotton panties down my legs. “Why don’t you sit up on the counter?”
“No.” I squeezed my eyes shut, picturing it. It had been one of our favorite things. Clint’s face would be buried in me and he’d look up. We’d share my orgasm together. Just like our last time together.
My breath started to come in short bursts. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let him be that close.
“No, from behind. Right now.”
He froze. I knew he was hurting and this wasn’t exactly what he wanted. He wanted that connection, those emotions that we used to share, but I couldn’t leave myself open to his hurt again. I waited for him to tell me no. Would he choose all or nothing? Or just take what I was offering?
“I’ll take any moment I can have with you, Jo.” He sounded breathless and just a little defeated. He unzipped his jeans and I could hear a wrapper crinkle. The condom, another barrier of protection between the two of us.
I bent over the sink and grabbed the edge of the counter, waiting. He used his hand first, sliding his fingers between my butt cheeks and then lower. As he slipped in a second finger, I sighed as he stretched me a little. Then his fingers were gone and I felt the head of his dick at my opening. He pushed in and held me in place. I waited for him to move, but he just stayed still.
“Go,” I told him. “Fuck me.”
Gripping my hips, he lifted me just a little. I balanced on my toes as he drew out and then slid back in. He got a rhythm started, short, quick thrusts. It wasn’t enough. In our month together, I knew him. He was deep and methodical. But tonight he was too restrained—something wasn’t right.
“Fuck me,” I demanded, arching my back so he would reach better. “Fuck me until I forget you. Fuck me until I don’t see your face when I use my vibrator.”
“Jo,” he growled as he pulled me back onto his dick so that he was fully in. With every shot he began to groan, and I loved it. I could hear him losing his control. Long and hard, this was what I wanted. His knee began to bang against the cabinet door and the sound sent thrills down my spine. He gripped my hips and lifted me so that my toes no longer touched the ground. Balanced over the counter, I watched him in the kitchen window. His head was thrown back, with a scowl on his face, the muscles in his neck straining each time he hit the cabinet and thrust into me.
Then I began losing my grip on sanity too. With every stroke, he hit a spot inside that set me on fire. Over and over, he drilled into me harder than he ever had. I liked it. I knew this would tear my heart out later, but right now, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I closed my eyes and let my orgasm build.
“Jo,” he moaned as he sank into me.
I cried out. Hearing my name on his lips threw me over the edge. Bracing myself on the counter, I squeezed my pussy against his dick. I wanted to feel every moment of his release as I came. He drove one last hard push inside of me and held himself there. His entire body shook as I came, impaled on his dick.
“Stand up,” he said, panting.
With him still inside of me, I straightened and leaned back against him, still breathing hard from our orgasm. He slipped his arms around me and held me. The patches on his vest scraped a little at my back, but I smiled. Clint was holding me. Then he took one of my hands and held it flat against my stomach. He slid our hands past my belly button and farther south, into my curls. He stroked the seam of my pussy and then dipped his finger in to stroke my clit. I gasped. I had just come, yet I wanted more. Then he took my finger and guided it down, to his dick, still hard and buried in my body.
“My dick inside of you, my finger on your clit. It all feels right, doesn’t it?” he whispered, his teeth scraping along my neck. Then he began to rub me and my legs threatened to collapse. “Come to the bedroom with me.”
I leaned against him and let his fingers spark my arousal again. I wanted to go to the bedroom with him, so badly. But I needed to know something.
“Would it be just for tonight?” I asked. “Or like it used to be?”
He stopped rubbing and all of the muscles in his body straightened. I pushed further.
“Why did you end it between us, just as we were falling in love?”
He pulled out of me, so suddenly that I cried out. I was cold and half naked sprawled out in front of him. He grabbed the dish towel next to me, and a second later I heard his zipper. I didn’t turn around.
“Because you laid in the cold fucking mud while I was thinking about placing a bet,” he admitted, his voice like two stones grinding against each other. “Just when I thought we could be happy, I fucked everything up. I’m never going to do that to you again, Jo. I’m sorry about tonight. I should never have asked for this. I don’t deserve it.”
My heart twisted. That was why he ended it—he was scared that he would fuck up and place another bet. Well, I wasn’t afraid. I knew he wouldn’t let gambling control him again. I had to say something, show him that I still believed in him, us. Turning to face him, I took a chance.
“It was one bet, one mistake. We can get through it together,” I pleaded. “Please, just try. I love you.”
He scowled as he left. “Don’t waste your love, Jo. I’m not worth it.”