Chapter 30

Darcy

I didn’t see the social worker again after she’d given me a lecture, something for which I’m extremely grateful. I’d seen red when she asked Peg’s opinion. Whatever the situation, the decision whether to rent out my body for nine months should be mine. I had been pleased when Peg agreed it was completely up to me, a side of him I hadn’t expected. Oh, in the circumstances I thought he wouldn’t object, raising another man’s child is one thing, but not when you’re effectively inviting a rapist to share part of your life. But Peg had gone further than that, saying it would be always be my choice. From such a possessive man, it came as a surprise.

Maybe I’ve been wrong about him? This thing between us burst into flames so fast, we didn’t take the time to learn much about each other.

I’m lonely and leaning toward rethinking the decision to cut Peg out of my life. Oh, I haven’t been left alone, there’s always someone with me except at night when the medical staff throw them out. It’s either one of my crew, or, when they’re on shift, a biker’s normally sitting with me. Heart’s been here the most, and Marcia’s come along to see me. She’s brought tiny Isabel as well—Jacob’s not doing as good, and is in an incubator for now, nothing serious, the new parents have been assured that it’s normal with twins for one to be slightly less well developed.

Conversations are okay for a while, but those visiting me have brought in books and magazines for themselves as well as me. You can’t keep talking every hour of the day, and they seem to appreciate I need time to try to work things through in my head.

“Up for a visitor?”

My eyes open wide at the face peering around the door. “Nicole!” Obviously, I’d asked after her and heard she was doing well, and at the same hospital as myself, and had made plans to track her down once I was mobile. But all the words telling me she was making a good recovery are nothing compared to having her in front of my eyes. “Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes. How are you? Yeah, come in.”

“I’m better than you, it would seem.” She smiles, and then when she coughs, explains, “Smoke inhalation.”

I raise the head of the bed so I’m in a sitting position, and shudder as I remember searching for her while the fire was raging. “Tell me everything. What happened to you?”

She knows exactly what I’m asking. Taking the chair by the side of the bed, she sits forward as she starts giving me the details. “The fire flared up, took me by surprise. Crossed the ravine when I wasn’t expecting it. I ran for the ATV, but in my hurry to get away, snagged it on a tree stump and turned it over.” My eyes open as I listen to her escapade, and I nod for her to continue. Taking a breath, she shakes her head as she remembers, and then shudders. “Thought I was a goner. Fire was coming up fast behind me, so I ran uphill to try and get away from it. Managed to get to some black but inhaled a lot of smoke. Got disorientated and tripped. Hit my head hard.”

“Shit.” She was lucky we found her. By the look on her face, both of us seem to be considering what might have been. “I’m so very glad you’re okay.”

She nods, reaches out, and takes my hand. “I’m so glad you found me.”

“We weren’t going to leave you behind.”

We’re quiet for a moment as we both think about her narrow escape, then she squeezes my hand. “I only heard you were here when I bumped into Slade in the corridor. What the hell’s happened to you, Darce?”

Tears come to my eyes, and I find myself telling her everything. Up to now, apart from Marcia, who I don’t know very well, I’ve had no female company. Somehow the things I left out when talking to the men seem easier to admit. My feelings, the fear that I was going to die alone, and the horror that Pete had taken what I fought so hard not to give.

When I’ve finished, she’s got tears in her eyes. Then she’s quiet and thoughtful and it’s a few minutes before she speaks. Pulling herself up straight she tells me firmly, “You need to get help, Flash. You can’t cope with this on your own. And you can’t run from Peg. You need to talk to him.”

Moving my head from side to side, I contest her suggestion. “Nicole, Pete took all my choice away from me, stripped me of any control I had. I couldn’t escape, I could only take what he gave me. Peg could do the same.”

Her eyebrows rise so far, they almost reach her hairline. “You’re saying Peg would rape you?”

“No!” I protest immediately. “He’d never do that. But he’s sergeant-at-arms for the MC. He’s overprotective. I know he wouldn’t want me to keep doing my job, it would mess with him. He doesn’t want a woman in the kind of career I have. He’d want to control everything I do. I know he would.”

She leans back in the chair and folds her arms. “Does he? You know this for a fact?” She waits, and when I don’t respond, continues, “Seems to me that you got together pretty fast. You ever actually talked about your expectations? You of him, and he of you? Or is this just conjecture?”

Nicole’s picked up on something. No, we haven’t spoken. But I know that I’m right. “You didn’t see it. The men protecting the compound, the women all kept out of harm’s way. That’s what the bikers expect of their old ladies, and you know I’d never be able to be someone like that.”

“But there are some battles you’d like him to fight for you. Helping you deal with the bastard Pete Mercer, for one.”

Again, she’s right. “But it wouldn’t stop there.”

“How do you know?” She sits forward again. “Look, Darce, the man you described sounds like what we’re all searching for. I don’t think you can throw it all away without talking it out. I’m not here to tell you what to do, you’ve been hurt and abused, and I can’t even imagine how hard that is to deal with. All I’m saying is, just don’t rush and do something you’ll regret later. From what you say, Peg’s an understanding man. Why not give him a chance?”

Biting my lip, I take a moment to think, then again shake my head. “Even if we reached a compromise, Nicole, I might have to give him up if I want to have prospect in my career.”

She nods slowly. “Only you can work out what’s the priority in your life, Darce. No one can else can help you do it.”

Her visit leaves me with so many thoughts whirling, I’m not sure how to sort them out. But I can’t keep running away, refusing to see Peg. It’s not fair to leave him dangling with no answers, without knowing the thoughts going through my mind. Try as I might, on my own I can’t resolve them.

I’ve been here for three days, when the inevitable happens. There’s a shift change of my visitors, and it’s Peg who puts his head around the door. His eyes examine me, taking in the now yellowing bruising on my face. With a slight grimace that he tries to hide, he asks, “Can I come in, Flash?”

Flash. The name he’s called me almost since the moment we met. He liked that I had a handle, and I like, liked, him using it. But now I’m not sure I’ll ever be that close to him again.

“If you can remember my name’s Darcy, yes.” I know I sound waspish, but I’m not in the head space where I want to be called by my firefighter name. Getting myself situated right, I raise myself up into a sitting position, feeling less vulnerable that way. Peg’s there, immediately, propping the pillows behind me. This close I can see the lines on his face, more I think than he had before. Have I put those there? Quickly suppressing my guilt for yet one more thing that can be laid at my door, I incline my head toward the chair. “We need to talk, Peg.”

“Darcy.” He lifts his hand, it hovers over mine, then he returns it to his side. I’m not sure whether I dread or long for his touch. I’m so confused, I almost miss his mouth twisting. “You’ve said that before. If you’re up for speaking, I’m ready to hear you out.” As he pulls back his shoulders, I don’t think he knows he looks as if he’s preparing for a fight. “I’ve got some things to tell you, but I’ll let you have your say first.”

Is that the right way around? If I say what I do, he might just walk out. But it’s time, and I can’t delay this any longer. I take the deepest breath that my sore ribs will allow and start. “Peg, we rushed into this…whatever this thing is between us.” He looks like he’s going to speak, so I shake my head. “Let me get this out, Peg. And before you think anything that’s happened has caused me to change my mind, I assure you, this is what I should have said the day I left you without a word on the compound.”

He gives a deep sigh but keeps silent, allowing me a moment to gather the words.

“I agree there’s a strong connection between us, something I’ve never felt with anyone else. But it’s not going to work.”

“Tell me why,” he demands quickly, his voice not sounding quite right.

“Two things. Firstly, my job.” I look down at the cast covering my foot. “The chances are I’m going to get back to full fitness and join my old crew again.” I take another deep breath as I search for the right words. “A firefighter’s on the job twenty-four hours, seven days of the week, whether on shift or not. We’ve got to maintain a squeaky-clean reputation. Whatever one of us does reflects on the service as a whole. The public must have complete trust in us.” Risking it, I glance at him. He’s looking pained. “The Satan’s Devils have a reputation, whether earned or not. As a firefighter, I can’t afford to be associated with a member, or anything the club does. Particularly if I want to go after a promotion.”

He inhales sharply, then waits a moment before letting the air out on a sigh. “I love you, Darcy. It happened fast, agreed. But I’ve always known I’d recognise my ol’ lady soon as I found her.” A smile of longing comes my way before he grows serious again. “I thought your job might have something to do with it, so I’ve been doing some thinkin’ myself. I’ve been in the club for getting on twenty years now, don’t know how I’d get on in the citizen world, but if that’s all that’s stopping us being together, I’ll leave the Satan’s Devils.”

Would he? Could he? Isn’t that just as bad as him asking me to stop being a firefighter?

“I couldn’t ask you to do that, Peg.”

He shrugs. “You’re not asking. You wouldn’t. But the offer’s there on the table, darlin’.”

As the endearment slips out, I almost relent, but I haven’t addressed the principal issue. “That’s not all, Peg. You like to be in control, you’re protective, possessive.” I clench my hands together, as if to stop myself from reaching for him. “You’ll smother me.” I’m afraid of losing my identity, of becoming nothing more than Peg’s old lady, and not myself anymore. “I’ve seen how the men treat their old ladies.”

He sits back and folds his arms. “Not sure you have. You’ve seen them in the club with their men, you haven’t seen them out working. Take Sam, she’s one of the best mechanics we have, keeps the boys in the garage in line. Sandy runs our restaurant and does a fuckin’ good job there. Carmen has her own hairdressing business.” Now he leans forward. “Yeah, we’re protective, we like to keep our women safe, but that doesn’t mean we keep them tied to our belts. Our relationship wouldn’t be one-sided. Fuck, Darcy, I don’t want to take you away from your job. I might not like what you do, but only because it’s fuckin’ dangerous. But I’d never try to stop you doing what you love. It’s part of you, and I don’t want to change you.”

He doesn’t? I go to speak, but he raises his hand in a ‘you’ve had your chance gesture’.

“We jumped straight in without sorting any of this out, didn’t we, darlin’? I hear you, but you’ve got this all wrong.” Peg shakes his head. “There’s things we need to learn about each other, and maybe slow this thing between us right down. We can take a few steps back, not go all in. But I’d like the chance to show you you’re so very far from the truth.”

“I gave Pete a chance,” I admit, biting my lip, remembering how he conned me into letting him live in my house.

“Don’t compare me to that son of a bitch,” he snarls.

Immediately, I feel contrite. The two men are nothing alike. “I’m sorry, Peg.” I wave my hand down at my body. “Everything that’s happened… I just…” I breathe in deeply. “Pete overpowered me, Peg. Made me feel helpless. One blow to my head, my hands tied behind me, and I couldn’t defend myself. I don’t ever want to feel out of control again.” What’s in my mind would hurt him, but how can I explain if I don’t put it into words? “You’re, you’re so…”

“Rough in bed,” he supplies, his hand resting on his beard. “You’re scared of being hurt again.”

“Yes, no.” I shake my head. “It’s not just you, Peg. It’s the thought of any man. Pete almost got to me once before, and he hadn’t given up. I hate feeling vulnerable.” Though I enjoyed it at the time, the thought of allowing Peg to restrain me like he had before makes me shudder. Even though I trusted him and wanted it at the time, now, after what Pete had done…. Peg likes that. Possibly needs it. Now I won’t be able to give it to him.

He reaches out his hand, lightly resting it on top of mine, and gives a quick look into my eyes to check I’m alright. As our skin meets, I feel a flicker of electricity shoot up my arm, and it’s that that makes me pull away. He misunderstands, and the sides of his mouth turn down. I keep quiet, unable to explain that my traitorous body still reacts when my brain is telling me it’s wrong.

I don’t explain my reaction, it’s easier that way. “I’m sorry, Peg.”

He rolls his head on his shoulders. “I’m gonna give you some time.” As I go to interrupt him, he puts up his hand. “No, you’ve had your say. Let me say mine. What happened to you, well, there aren’t the words to describe how horrific it was. I’m only just keepin’ control here, babe. It shouldn’t have happened, and it’s destroyin’ me thinkin’ how I couldn’t protect you. You’re right, that’s what I want to do, but wrong in the way you think I’d do it. Wouldn’t want to tie you down, understand you’re independent. But, park that for now. Just keep the door cracked open, okay?” Leaning forward, he clasps his hands between his splayed legs. “There’s things you need to know. Mouse found out who the Mercers are.”

He’s got my attention. My brows rise.

“Okay, you ready for this? They’re bankers, fundin’ high rollers in the city. Politicians, judges, you name it. When they need funds for their gamblin’ debts, or for their spouses’ over-the-top expenses, or even, fuck it, for something legit, they go to Top Loans. Confidentiality assured, backed by temptin’ low interest rates.” He glances to see how I’m taking it. “We thought they were loan sharks to start with, but they’re playin’ a different game. You take out a loan from Mercer, and you’re in their pockets. Mercer Junior gets into trouble? Mercer Senior does something like wipe out part of the judge’s debt, and hey ho, bail hearin’ granted.”

“So, he’s always going to get away with it,” I whisper, fear flooding through me that he’ll come for me again. He’ll always get off.

“No.” Peg sounds adamant. “But there’s a relationship between you and I, can’t deny that, darlin’, even if you want to believe it’s in the past and not the future. Police know that too. They already have a hard-on for us, and you were found on the premises we’ve got a contract on. We’ve got to be clever about this. Can’t disappear him the way I want, but the alternative is makin’ sure we’ve got the upper hand in the courts.”

Again, I’m biting my lip, trying to concentrate on what Peg’s saying, and not on the panic that’s threatening to rise. “How?”

“That’s what we’re workin’ on. But there is a weak link. The woman who gave him the alibi.” He pauses and smirks. “You might not believe this, but I can be quite scary at times.”

I believe him. So much so it draws a laugh from me, albeit a bit of a strangled one.

His smirk broadens. “Mouse is workin’ to discover who she is, then we’ll see what we can dig up on her. Break her down, we’ll prove he lied. Then his only alibi is father dearest.”

“And what are you going to do about that?”

Peg looks up and meets my eyes. “You let us worry about how we’ll do things. But I tell you this, Darcy, I won’t do anything that puts our relationship at risk. Satan’s Devils are going to stay with clean hands.”

But I know the damage has already been done. The residents of Tucson enjoy the perceived threat of having a one percenter club on their doorstep. They’re used as a bogeyman to keep little children in line, the roar of their Harleys sending delicious shivers down the spine. While the majority of people have never had dealings with them, there’s still a universal distrust.

Some men may envy their way of life, while pretending it disgusts them. Their wives may feign disinterest in the rugged men riding their bikes, while being jealous of the women who ride behind them.

Whatever they do, it will only make things worse, and reinforce my decision that a firefighter has no business being associated with the Satan’s Devils.

But what he’s told me tears me in two. Peg and his club are the only people on my side, the only ones looking deeper and trying to make a positive case against Pete. If I tell them to stop, from what Peg’s said, Pete will once again get away scot free, and may fulfil his promise to finish what he started. But if I turn a blind eye to what they’re going to do, the situation can only get worse. The reputation of their club will become even more tarnished.

Knowing I can’t lie to Peg, I shake my head and speak softly. “Peg, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can pick up where we left off. You do get that? I can’t ask you to do this.”

“How often do I have to tell you? I know you’re not askin’. I’m just sayin’ what’s gonna happen. Much as you probably don’t believe it, we don’t like dirt in our town. None of us like the way Mercer’s playin’ the odds. We’ll do what we can to put a check on him, and that means findin’ enough evidence to put Junior away for good.”