Eli
January 22, 2018
You need to catch your breath, man, I tell myself.
Her book … hell, I don’t even know what book it is that Bryce thrust in my hand before she left so as not to be seen with me.
I’m finally in the building at the tail end of the line. And I can see Alex’s white suit, one she looks amazing in. I watch, trying to stay hidden among the sea of people waiting to meet her. This is her world, not mine. I watch as her hair falls in her face, wanting to push it back behind her ear before she does. Her smile is real, genuine, as if she’s doing just fine.
Oh God. I swallow. What if she’s doing fine? What if I fuck up her life? What if she wants to move on?
Eli, shut up. Just do this. If she says no, at least you tried, and you can go back to Granite Harbor, knowing you did everything you could.
What the hell am I going to say?
I flew three thousand miles on a fucking airplane that scared the living shit out of me with a notepad in hand and couldn’t think of a single fucking word to say to her. Words are not my forte.
One more person walks away with a signed book. My heart slams. Hands are sweaty.
Bryce catches my eye. Her lips are in a straight line. And she points with her finger, signaling me to move so that Alex doesn’t see me until the moment I want her to see me.
I take a step back behind an older gentleman, probably there with his wife.
I’m two people back. I’ve waited two hours. I’d wait a thousand more for Alex.
What the hell am I going to say to her? Think, Eli!
One person.
Think.
She doesn’t look up. She just takes a sip of her water. Then, pen in hand, she says, “Hi. What’s your name?”
Go time.
“Was wondering if you would eat the lettuce forever—with me?”
She freezes.
Time freezes.
Alex looks up.
I push my book to her side of the table.
I know this is my cue, so I walk to her side of the table, take her hand, pull her up into my arms—where she belongs—place my hands on her hips, and stoop down, so I can look her in the eye when I say this, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth about Grace. It mattered, and I won’t make excuses for it. I’ll accept your decision, whatever it is. Just give me one last thing?”
Her smile grows. “What’s that, Warden Young?”
“I’d like to kiss you right now. Will that be all right? Just one last time. Let me kiss you, so I can take away with me the memory, burn it into my mind.”
Before she can answer, I part her lips with my own and gently put my tongue in her mouth, and she responds with her hands, fiercely clinging to the back of my neck.
My kiss deepens, growing dependent on her mouth, her touch. It’s causing my body to tremble.
I pull away because I need to say this to her before we go any further. “I promise I will always tell you the truth, no matter the consequences.”
I lean my forehead onto hers, staring into her dark brown eyes. She looks up.
“I love you, Eli. I have since the day I laid eyes on you. I would have eaten the lettuce long before you asked me to if I could have let go of my past. I know that now. I didn’t know that then. I didn’t know I was ready for you. Maybe I found excuses why I shouldn’t eat the lettuce. But I can’t hide anymore, Eli. I’m in love with you.”
“You need food, Alex,” I say as the limo driver pulls away from the curb. “Four Seasons, please.” As if I know where the Four Seasons is. As if I booked the hotel room. Merit did all that.
I have no idea what type of food they have in Los Angeles. Probably all vegan. Or vegetarian. Or something.
“We’ll do room service.” I kiss her on the head and get lost in the scent of her hair. “So, about Grace,” I say.
I feel her arms tighten around me as she waits for my words, her head on my chest.
“I know I told you in the letter. Bottom line, I wasn’t honest. I’m not going to hide behind any excuses. I wasn’t honest about my marriage. We’d been separated for years. But …” I pause and take a deep breath. “We slept together about five months ago. It was before you came along, Alex. I didn’t know you were coming—and, had I known, I would have prepared for a lifetime, waiting for you. I’d have done everything so differently.”
I kiss the top of her head again and then look down at her face. Alex looks up at me, toying with my T-shirt. It’s hot in LA. Even in the winter, it’s warm.
“What are you thinking about right now?”
She stops toying with my shirt. “I like you in this hat. Is it new?”
It’s a baseball cap.
“Bryce thought it might give me more of a disguise when I waited in line.”
Her perfect doe eyes and long eyelashes look back at me, and then she looks away.
“Hey …” I tilt her chin up toward me. “What? I know the hat isn’t what you wanted to say.”
Alex pushes herself off me, resting her shoulder against the seat. “This isn’t where I wanted to be. If you had asked me three years ago where I saw myself, it wouldn’t be here, sitting with you.” She pauses. “We all have our ways. We’re all damaged in some way, right? Because of trauma, past hurts, old wounds, dried love. We have three paths. One, we can stay stagnant, ungrow, retreat back into our shells, and shut the world out. Two, we can ignore everything. Put blinders on, play on a superficial playing field, and pretend like nothing happened, pushing everything down. Three, we can face facts. Feel the hurt and make a change.”
Her hand is hesitant at first, but then she takes her fingertips and puts them on my neck, gently gliding them back and forth. “I was stuck at one when I met you, Eli. Wore yoga pants every day and stared at a blank computer screen, terrified to write a single word, for fear I’d see the ugly side of me. The broken one. Then, after I met you, Granite Harbor was perfect. I was able to ignore my life, the shit, forget about my past, and live in the present—with you. But it wasn’t until I left for California that I began the third. I had to face facts. I had to see who I was, the person I’d ignored, pushed away, and I had to look at the hurts and the traumas in my life. Fear changes people. It wasn’t until after Clay that this all became so clear.”
This has nothing to do with me; it’s everything to do with her. This is her quest to freedom, and I sure as hell don’t want to get in the way of that.
Will it break me if she walks away? Most likely. But, just like Alex, I’ll get back again. One day. I’d have to.
“I’ve also learned that I adore this man I left in Granite Harbor. That, no matter what, we’re not perfect, and maybe life is more about the imperfections. What would it be like if everything were perfect? We’d never appreciate it. Heartache is meant to be felt, not just talked about. Sadness is meant to be heard. Happiness is meant to be experienced. Forgiveness is meant to be given. And love is an instrumental part of all of these. It threads all these emotions together, making us whole.”
I take her free hand and intertwine my fingers in hers. I just need to feel her skin.
Alex leans in and whispers in my ear, “I can’t have love in my life if I don’t have you.”
“My turn?” I ask.
“Yeah, your turn.”
I pull her hand to my lips, kiss it softly, and then begin, “When I was thirteen, I came home and found Ryan on our porch. His dad had killed his dog. Ryan and Hero had been real close. They were so close, it was like God had handpicked and delivered Hero to him at a time he needed him most. When Hero died, Ryan never shed a tear. I know it killed him inside. His dad was a tough, old fisherman. A real asshole. Told Ryan to deal with it. Life happens. Called him a pussy if he cried. These are things I witnessed.” I stop. “I guess I’m trying to use the metaphor trick.” I laugh. “It isn’t working so well, is it?”
Her hand tightens around mine. “Keep going.”
“As much as I tried to talk to Ryan about Hero, he never wanted to. Shut down. And I told myself I never wanted to do that. Never wanted to push people away that I loved because I didn’t know how to do grief. I didn’t know how to do life on life’s terms.
“Then, you came along. Look, the only thing I have to give you is my heart. That’s the only thing that’s most important—so you’ve explained to me so beautifully. You made me see in color. Vividly. I haven’t been able to do that since my mother died.”
The limo driver pulls up in front of the hotel. I get out first and help Alex out as the limo driver grabs our bags.
Alex looks at the bag and then to me. “How far in detail did you go with this plan?”
“While I stood in line, Bryce and Merit moved your bags from her place to the limo.”
Alex shakes her head. “I should have known Bryce was up to something.” She looks to the limo driver. “Thank you.”
“It’s been a pleasure, Ms. Fisher and Mr. Young,” he says.
I hand him a twenty. “Thank you, Benny.”
“You’re most welcome, sir. Please, I hope you join us again on the West Coast.”
I look at Alex, who’s staring intently at me. “If she’ll keep me.” I say this not for Benny, but for Alex.
She tries to reach for her bag.
“Alexandra, I do doors, and I do bags.”
She laughs. “All right, all right.” She shrugs.
As she takes the lead into the hotel, I notice her white linen suit fits her so well in all the right places.
I set the bags down in the suite. Windows overlook the greater Los Angeles area. “God, I could never live here.”
“I’ve always been a small-town girl,” Alex says, hands on her hips, staring out the windows.
I watch as the sun illuminates her dark chocolate locks, how it makes her skin seem even brighter, and I walk to her, pull her to me. Gently, I lower my lips to hers, my hands pulling her closer as if she could get any closer, and I take her mouth. At first, it’s soft, allowing us to explore what we’ve missed. But she creates a more urgent twist with her tongue, and I know what she needs.
It’s only six at night, but I have a feeling it’s going to be a long night. She needs to be taken care of. Made love to.
She feels me because I hear her gasp.
“Come here.” She takes me by the hand, pulling the curtains shut and undresses as she makes her way back to the bed.
I’m standing at the edge of the bed. She’s on her knees in her bra and panties on the edge of the bed, and all I want to do is take her fully. I reach behind her, grab all of her, and pull her against me.
She undoes my jeans. Once they’re off, I pull my shirt and hat off and tell her to spread her legs while she’s on her knees. I’m still standing, but I need to know how wet she is. I tease her at first, sliding my hands up and down her thighs, and I feel them quiver. She puts both hands on my hips as she quietly moans against me.
“That’s it.” I gently take my finger and spread her middle, and she sighs, closing her eyes. “No,” I say. “Watch me.”
I ease my finger between her middle and push one finger inside.
She sighs my name. “Eli.”
I slide my finger in and out and in and out. “Lie down on the bed.”
She does, and I get to her side, sliding my hand back down to her hot spot. Without being told, she spreads her legs apart. My dick rubs against her thigh, and this feels unbelievably good, her skin touching my skin.
I take two fingers and slide them both inside her, feeling the hot, moist sensation. As I slide my fingers inside her, she pushes her hips up toward my hand. I pull them out, take her middle between my fingers, and rub.
“Eli,” she sighs in pure satisfaction.
She takes my length in her hand and tugs gently, sliding her hand up and down me.
“I wanted to make love to you first,” I whisper in her ear. “But I know what you need.” I get around her leg and position myself in front of her. I take the head of my shaft and rub it against the right spot.
I push and rub, and she’s wild.
“Oh my God, Eli.”
Now that I’m staring at her under me, I drop to my elbows, placing them on either side of her head. “Your cheeks are the best beautiful shade of red right now. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen them this shade, Peony Red.”
She smiles and tries to turn her head.
“God got it right when he created you, Alex. He got it all right.”
“I love you, Eli. I want to listen to your voice for the rest of my life.”
She pushes on the small of my back, and I fall into her.
Hard
Deep.
I push inside her again.
She reaches up and places her hand on my heart as I push into her again as she almost unravels before me. I can tell she wants to say something, but there’s a point when a man cannot choose between one of his heads. This is one of those times.
But, quickly, I pull out because I’m not finished with her. She’ll need to come first.
She’s panting, lying below me, fully exposed and beautiful. I lean down and give each breast my mouth, her nipple hardening. She squirms below me, and I look up.
“Tell me what you need, Alex.”
She’s holding her other breast, as if she’s waiting for the other one to be tugged on.
“Do you need my mouth on this one, Alex?”
“Yes,” she hisses.
I do, and she sighs.
I give her nipple one last tug and make my way down her stomach with a trail of kisses, my hands cupping her breasts, my thumbs brushing across her nipples.
“Do you want me here, Alex?”
She groans into the pillow. “Yesss.”
“No groaning into the pillow. I want to hear you.”
I reach her opening and use my finger to pull her lips apart, exposing the pink.
“You’re so beautiful, Alex. All of you.” I push my tongue between the folds of her soft middle.
“Oh God.” She holds the side of my face as she observes me.
My tongue reaches her spot, and I push and flick.
“Fuck, Eli.”
I use my hands to pull back her folds again, so I have access to her wetness. I look up at her. “I want to watch you come, Alex.”
“Not-not yet,” she pants. She closes her eyes and pulls me up to her mouth.