CHAPTER THIRTEEN

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

C aroline was flying high with Nico crashed in her bed. His blond waves sprawled over her pillow was the sexiest sight on the planet. By all rights, she should have been sleeping too, but she didn’t want to miss a moment of their time together. The underlying sense of dread lingered. He had asked her to hold off on the tough conversation until later, but she wondered when that time would come. Every time she tried to start a dialog he’d silenced her with more sex. Not that she’d complain, the sex blew her mind, but she wanted them to be more than physical.

She’d admitted that she loved him, and he said nothing. The expectation he would say it back wasn’t there. She wasn’t naïve enough to think he loved her yet, but she hoped they were heading in that direction. He introduced her to his friends, people he considered family, that had to mean something.

The longer she stared at him, the more she needed to clear the air. Once they figured out where they were headed as a couple, they could tell her father together. There wouldn’t be any more secrets.

“Nico… Mr. Man… hey!” She shook him, but he didn’t wake. “Nicolas Ivarsson wake up!” Still nothing. Caroline tucked his hair behind his ear, sucked the lobe into her mouth and he stirred.

“Angel, you can’t be serious.” He twisted onto his back and she straddled his body, capturing his legs between her thighs.

He got a quick kiss before she sat back on his legs. “We need to talk.”

“Or…” Nico cupped her breasts in his hands.

She covered his hands. “If you want more sex after, then I’m all for it, but first we talk. A lot of things came out tonight and I’m kinda freaking out. How do you feel about… everything?”

“I wish you had trusted me earlier with your identity, but I get it. It’s the same reason I didn’t tell you who I was right away. I don’t like lies, so is there anything else you failed to mention?”

Caroline stared into his eyes, ready to bare her soul. “No. I swear that’s the only thing I didn’t tell you. I never lied, but I omitted one tiny detail. Every story I shared about my family is true. Being a Northcote has ruined more than one relationship and I wanted to give us a chance. I’m sorry.”

“Our names don’t define us, angel. You’re not the only one who’s been burned by being famous. That’s why I haven’t dated in fucking eons.”

She snickered. “I questioned why you were single. But so far, I can’t find anything wrong with you. I figured you’re playing the field, but then you told me you wanted a monogamous relationship. Why now? Why me?”

He looked away for a moment, lost in thought. “Because there’s a sorrow in your soul that matches mine. Because you kissed me and you had no idea I am Nicolas Ivarsson, the greatest defensemen in the NHL. I fucking loved that your attraction to me had nothing to do with hockey. I’m still coming to terms with a crazy fan. She… it’s in the past.” The hesitation spoke volumes.

Whatever happened had changed him and she needed to know that story. “Will you tell me about her?”

“Caroline, it’s a long story and one that doesn’t paint me in the best light.” He pulled his hands away and rested them behind his head.

“I told you I loved you, earlier.” She swallowed hard. “My best friend says I fall too fast and too hard, but that’s who I am. You blew me away with a kiss and then again with your monster cock.” She laughed, but she was serious. “But I’m falling in love with your heart; the man inside the rugged exterior. When we went skating, the first time I fell on my butt and you did a pirouette, and then laughed so hard you fell right along with me. You took the attention away from my ungraceful tumble. That’s when it happened. Anyone willing to make a fool of themselves to make me smile would win my heart. It’s yours. What do we do about that?”

“Caroline. I can’t say it back and I’m not sure I’m capable of saying it. You wear your heart on your sleeve and that’s beautiful and so fucking rare, but I’m messed up. I’ve been single for four years. You’re the first woman I’ve slept with—”

She smacked his abs. “Are you saying you haven’t had sex in four years? Like forty-eight long months?” Her eyebrows reached the ceiling.

“Oh, hell no. I’ve had plenty of sex. But once the sex is over, I haven’t stuck around. The night at the hotel was the first sleepover in years.”

“That’s mighty slutty of you. What kind of girls have you been with that are okay with that arrangement? And before you say girls like me, I’ll remind you that your dick is inches from my capable and crushing grasp.”

He moved his hands at lightning speed to cover hers. “Hockey fans. I get propositioned frequently and if I’m in the mood to let off steam, I take one of the puck bunnies up on their offer. It’s mutually agreed upon that it’s a few hours of fun. I don’t have it in me to offer much more.”

“But you said a fan turned you off of relationships. I’m confused. You’re the one who asked me to spend the day with you. You’ve been the one initiating things between us. Are you telling me it’s been a game?” Caroline tried to move off his legs, but he held her in place with his quick reflexes.

“You’re different. Even your pickup line was unique.”

She huffed. “I did not use a cheesy pickup line on you.”

Nico sat up so they were face to face. “Something about going fast and having fun. No mention of hockey, riding my stick or scoring. I’ve heard them all, and you caught me at the right moment. I was pretty low after the game and needed a distraction.”

Being referred to as a distraction wasn’t a good thing. “You looked like you wanted to be anywhere but there. Didn’t the team win that night? What could you possibly have been down about?”

“Your dad’s foundation brings up a lot of memories for me with my sister. We talked about that already, and how she ended her own life to find peace. I support mental health awareness and treatment, but it reminds me how I wasn’t there for her. I have a hard time smiling when she can’t. You know. Anyway, besides that old wound, one of our goalies got injured that night because of me. I let an opponent get the better of me and Rick paid the price. Martin had to take over, and I played like shit. Sure, we won, but I can’t take any credit for the win.”

“You’re really hard on yourself. How does all of this bring us back to you not thinking you can fall in love? That’s what’s confusing me the most. Things have been great with us. Is it actually me because I’d prefer the truth from here on out?”

His lips pressed lightly to her forehead. “It’s not you. If anything, you’ve made me want to try again. But you need to know I might not say those words. As in ever.”

“Explain why that is. You’re so loveable and so am I.” Caroline smiled and flipped her hair over her shoulder. He laughed, and she accomplished her goal of lightening the moon.

“After you hear this, you might not feel that way about me anymore. My rookie year I was overwhelmed. I’d just lost my dad and my mom the year before that. Everything happened fast, and I chose not to be alone. I met a girl who called herself my biggest fan, and I was flattered. We fucked for a while. She was messed in the head like me, and I thought we were helping each other through it. I wasn’t faithful, but she wanted me to be. A few months into the relationship, it became clear she was infatuated or in love, and I… I wasn’t. I told her what she wanted to hear, so she’d keep coming around.”

Caroline shifted on his legs. Hearing about him with other women sucked. She pictured him hurting and finding solace in the arms of others. She wanted to be the only one to comfort him. He needed to be loved. It hurt her heart to hear how lost he’d been. She diverted her eyes away from his. The sorrow and pain there was too much to take.

“Remember, I told you this doesn’t paint me as a good guy. I’m not; I was selfish and lonely. She knew about my family, my sister and all that. She used it against me for months. Saying she loved me, and that if I didn’t love her more and exclusively, she’d end her life. That mind fuck was too much. We played the happy couple, and I said the words. But I was miserable. I cared for her, maybe it was more. Love wasn’t supposed to suck. She needed help, and I thought my dick was the answer. Hell, I don’t know what I was doing. After a few more months of that crap, I had had enough. I called her bluff and ended things like a coward over the phone. She threatened to slit her wrists unless I came over. It was the same routine only I didn’t go. I gave her the number for a crisis line and called her folks. They didn’t get there in time. Her death was one hundred percent my fault. I didn’t get her the help she needed. My love wasn’t enough. I fucked up, and I haven’t dated since. The very thought of saying those three words makes me want to be sick.”

“Oh, Nico.”

“Told you I’m messed up. The last conversation I had with my sister happened while I was rushing to get to a practice. She looked so sad, but I was too busy. I told her I loved her and left. I never saw her again. Two people needed me to save them and I couldn’t.” His voice trembled, and he closed his eyes.

She leaned over and peppered his face with kisses. “That wasn’t your fault; any more than my mother’s suicide was my fault. I blamed myself for a long time, thinking had I walked into her room sooner I might have saved her. She wasn’t even cold yet, but the pills had worked their magic long before I arrived. It took years for me to accept that truth. Those of us left behind will always struggle with what we could have done, but if it hadn’t been that day it would have been another. Nico, listen to me. Those deaths are not your fault.” She kissed his eyelids.

“I know you’re right. My therapy sessions have helped me work through some of the guilt. But I should have done more and keeping a distance is the only way I know to prevent something like that from happening again. You deserve to be with someone who has their shit together. A guy who can love you like you deserve. Christ, your father will skin me alive if he knew I’d laid a finger on you; never mind blew my load inside you. I’m so fucked because I can’t stop wanting you.”

“Then don’t stop. You speak with your body. We are so good together. My father will have to deal with it. He’ll come around when he sees how happy I am, and how in love I am. When you’re ready, the words will come and I’m not in a rush to hear them. I can wait.”

He reached out and caressed her chin. “You shouldn’t have to wait. Love sucks and I might never say those words. If I hurt you, my career is as good as flushed down the toilet. I don’t want to fuck this up, but I might and then what? Hockey is my life and I love playing with my team. Hell, my job might already be tanked. The guys weren’t lying when they said our contracts forbid any kind of fraternizing with staff. It’s against the rules to sleep with any employees, regardless of position.”

“I’m not an employee. My parents bought the team and when my mom died her shares were divided between my sister and me. They’re held in a trust and my father has sole authority. At twenty-one, technically I could have joined him, taking on an ownership role, but I didn’t want that. We signed papers earlier in the year, making me a silent owner. So, I’m not staff or remotely involved with the team. We’re safe.”

“That’s semantics and we’re walking a very thin line. I bet your dad won’t see it that way.” Nico ran his fingers through his hair and took a few deep breaths. “I fucking hate what I’m about to ask you, but I can’t see my way around it. Can we keep our relationship on the down-low for a little longer? I want to be the man you think I am and the last thing I want to do is hurt you, Caroline. But give me some time to try being in a relationship and see if I can get past my issues.”

“I’ve hated keeping things from him, but if you need more time, then—”

“Don’t answer right now. Honestly, so much has been said we both need time to think. I’m going to clean up.” He kissed the tip of her nose and got out of bed. He didn’t look back as he walked out of her room. The water ran in the shower. He didn’t invite her, and she gave him a moment to process everything that had been said and done.

An hour went by and he still hadn’t returned. Caroline didn’t need time to know the answer. Nico was the man she wanted to build a future with and everything she learned only helped to solidify her feelings for him. She understood him in a way few others would ever be able and he got her too. If he needed time to realize what she already knew, then she’d give him as many weeks as he needed.

When Nicolas finally came out, he looked perfect with the towel wrapped around his hips and a grin that dared her to walk away. He carried far too much weight on his twenty-five-year-old shoulders. It was clear he needed her just as much as she needed him. Nicolas Ivarsson was her boyfriend, and she had no intention of giving him up. She loved him too much to walk away.

They’d have to figure out how to tell her father the good news. But that conversation would happen much later. She hoped Nico wouldn’t make her wait too long, but she would wait forever if that’s what it took. It wasn’t a game, she was in this for the long haul and she would prove it.

Nico’s eyes widened as she pulled back the covers and crawled towards him. “You’re still naked.”

“Drop the towel and join me,” she said, reaching for the terry-cloth. They had said all that needed to be said; now she wanted to feel. She needed to show him how much she loved without words.