My mind had been like Swiss cheese today. I couldn’t put two sentences together to form a complete thought. I tried to work on my new project, but knew I had to quit when I put Jack and Kill Childcare instead of Jack and Jill Childcare.

Fixated on the information I learned, I had to decide whether to tell Ryker. Not telling him made me as guilty as Grams was for withholding the truth. Telling him could ruin everything we had built. Our lives were finally coming together. Ryker smiled more, laughed more, and lived more. To tell him would be to hurt him, and I wasn’t sure I could send him back to the place he was when I met him. It was a place of darkness and despair.

After hours of deliberation, the verdict was reached. I’d bury the truth deep inside me and never let it out. What he didn’t know couldn’t hurt him or me.

I picked up the photo of Grams and me I’d found in the Bible and stared at it. I had no memory of the day, but we’d clearly had fun. We were at the zoo, and the backdrop was an aviary with a big cutout of a hawk. I couldn’t have been more than seven, but I was happy. I knew it from the big smile on my face.

Maybe Grams had been right to keep the darkness from my life. I couldn’t fault her for storing the truth inside her, or maybe that’s what I was now telling myself to justify my lack of honesty. It was easy to tell a lie when you told yourself it was best for everyone, but wasn’t that a lie too? I was no longer certain of anything. I shut down my computer and tucked the picture under my keyboard.

I looked down when my phone lit up. It was a message from Ryker.

Nate’s been in an accident. He’s in critical condition. Please come.

I texted him to let him know I was on my way. I wasted no time in getting ready, and neither did Grace. She and Nate had become close friends, and the news of his accident hit her hard. She cried and prayed out loud the whole fifty minutes to the hospital.

We met Ryker in the waiting room. He paced the floor back and forth, and I was sure he’d wear a hole in the carpet. He looked tired and older. His eyes were rimmed in red as if he’d been crying or at the least holding back the tears.

“Nate’s in surgery. The doctors don’t know if he’s going to make it.” He rubbed his face with his hands. “He’s hurt pretty bad.”

“What happened?” I pulled Ryker to a corner sitting area and tugged him down beside me. Grace took a seat to his right. We both leaned in while Ryker described what he’d come upon. He fisted up and turned Heinz ketchup red when he mentioned the sheriff.

“He has to be stopped.” Ryker’s yell turned the heads of everyone in the room. It was one part anguish mixed with three parts rage, and that was a volatile mix. He gripped the wooden arm of the chair, and I swear the wood gave under his grasp. I needed to get him out of here before he imploded.

“If he’s in surgery, it’s going to be hours. Come with me. You need to cool off. Grace will be here. Nate’s parents are here, and they’ll call if anything changes.” I gave Grace a pleading look, trying like hell to tell her to help me out.

“She’s right. You had first shift. I’ve got this.” Her eyes were all puffy and red, but her voice was strong and convincing. “At least take a walk or maybe a short ride.”

I didn’t give him a chance to say no. His hand was in mine, and I led him to the parking lot. Once inside my Jeep, I took off toward a lake I’d seen on the way here. Ryker had mentioned that he liked to sit by the water when he was stressed, and now seemed like a good time to get him to his Zen place.

* * *

We arrived at the small lake, and I parked. “I can stay in the car if you want to be alone.”

He exited and came around to open my door. “Haven’t I been alone enough? I don’t want to be alone anymore.”

We walked hand in hand by the lake. The water lapped rhythmically against the rocky shore. Everything appeared calm when we knew it wasn’t. It was a false feeling of tranquility, but an appreciated distraction even if it only lasted for a moment.

No words were said for over fifteen minutes, and then Ryker told me something that ripped my heart to pieces.

“I could never understand why my life was so shitty, and then you came around, and I realize now that I’ve been waiting for you. You are my truth and light.” He covered my lips with his mouth and poured all of his emotions into the kiss. “It’s like I’ve always known you without having ever met you.”

I swallowed his sorrow and anger and despair and stored them in my lying heart.

We sat on a rocky ledge and skipped rocks until the sun set high in the sky. My omission of truth weighed heavy on my heart, and I knew then that I wouldn’t be able to look at him every day and keep the lie, like I’d hoped. I wanted to be the girl who could swallow her guilt and move forward, but that wasn’t me. Guilt filled me up and threatened to choke me, and just when I gathered my nerve to utter the truth, his phone rang. It was Grace. I heard the one-sided conversation.

“He’s out of surgery.” The tension dropped from Ryker’s stiff shoulders. “He’s going to be okay.” It wasn’t a question, just an echo of Grace’s words, as if he needed to hear his own voice confirm the news. “We’re on our way.”

His whole demeanor changed. There was a bounce in his step and a smile on his face. This was the Ryker I’d come to love, and there was no way I was going to cloud his good news with my horrible truth.