Chapter 1
Two years ago…
I took a drag from the cigarette in my hand and stared out at the dark loft apartment. Calm and quiet, with the exception of a little bit of noise from the street below. In the bed beside me, there was a passed-out brunette.
I didn’t know her name. It didn’t matter anyway—I was never coming back.
Little groans signaled she was waking back up, and that I’d missed my opportunity to leave.
She reached out and found my thigh, running her hand slowly up and then down.
“Mmm, baby, you really know how to pound a pussy.”
Baby.
My stomach turned. A small term of endearment that could either be the first step of clingy, or the less likely—she forgot my name.
I would prefer the latter. Makes my never seeing her again easier.
A different woman every few weeks. They were nothing more than a human fleshlight.
A tool to get off.
“I have to go,” I said as I snuffed out the cigarette.
Her hand fell from me as I stood so I could locate my clothes.
“So soon? Don’t you want to go for another round first?”
“No.” Any niceties, finesse, and chivalry I expressed when we met was gone. Exhaustion took over, and after a fuckfest, I no longer had the energy to keep the façade up.
She balked at me, mouth open and eyes wide before her anger and indignation exploded. She got up and turned the light on.
“Seriously? That’s it?”
I pulled my shirt over my head, noticing the way her eyes widened at the large scar on my left side, and I slipped my shoes on.
“Yep.”
Fuck and run.
Don’t get close.
They’re always watching.
“Asshole!” Her shrill scream echoed through the room as she lofted the nearest item—a pillow—at me.
A quick check for my wallet, keys, and phone, and then I looked at her.
“What? Did you think we’d run off into the sunset? Get married? All because you let me fuck you?”
She stared at me, her arms crossing over her chest. “Is a date really too much to ask for?”
I stepped around the bed, stopped right in front of her, and leaned down to run my tongue across her lips.
“Yes.”
Matter of fact.
Had to be.
Break down any inkling of more.
There could never be more again.
She cocked her hand back, but I was too far away by the time she swung.
The curses aimed at me could still be heard as I shut the door and walked the few feet to the elevator. When the doors opened, I stepped on and leaned against the far wall, her shrieks drifting away as the doors closed.
How many was it now? Who knew. I stopped counting long ago.
As the anxiety, the PTSD, spiraled out of control, so did an insatiable sex drive.
The doors opened and I exited into the parking garage. Her hand was on my cock when we pulled in, so I couldn’t remember where I parked. It took a few minutes and a lot of clicks on my fob before the lights on my sedan blinked.
Climbing in, I pulled out my phone. It was two in the morning, and I had three missed phone calls.
Before driving off, I looked at the call list—my parents. With a sigh I hit the button for voicemail.
“You have two unheard messages,” the automated voice said before playing the first one.
“Nate, it’s your dad.” I shook my head and let out a small chuckle. He always started out that way, like I wouldn’t recognize his voice. “Just calling to remind you Erin’s birthday is Saturday. We really hope to see you. Call me back when you get this. Love you.”
Backing up, I drove out and headed home. I’d call him back in the morning, tell him I’d go, even though I didn’t want to.
Family functions sent me into the worst panic attacks.
Maybe I wouldn’t go.
“Hi Nate, it’s Jack.” My heart stopped before picking up into a furious tempo. My hands began to shake as my second father’s voice came through the phone. “It’s been a while. You haven’t been replying to my emails.” Because I can’t. Because I have nothing to say. “I want to get together for lunch this week. I have a proposition for you. Call me… We miss you, son.”
Son.
I clenched my hands around the steering wheel to stop the vibrations, to calm myself.
After everything, he still called me son. It stung. A burning sword of guilt to the gut compared to the pride it used to evoke.
I was the man that got his only daughter killed. The man who should have died.
My body held the scars to prove it.
I drove home, contemplating what he could want, and trying to decide when to call him back.
It wasn’t like my days were filled with activity.
Get up, run, eat, smoke, go to the bar, fuck something or somebody, sleep—my daily routine when I could get out of bed.
For a year I’d rented a studio apartment over some stranger’s garage. Contact with anyone I knew was a minimum. Family only if I had to.
Trapped in hell.
My wife was dead. My son was dead. And I should have stayed dead with them.
I died on scene, but they revived me. Every single day since, I wished they hadn’t.
Recovery from having my body torn apart was long and painful. Chronic pain was just another classified issue in my mountain of problems. The scars, the meds, the migraines, the aches, all adding up to a miserable way of being alive.
Parking in the driveway, I climbed the stairs to my tiny abode. It was just as empty as I left it. The bare necessities.
Nothing—and no one else—they could take away from me.
I flopped down on the bed, cringing as my scar pulled and my knee protested. Reminders that I needed to do my stretching.
And that was how I lived my life. A stark contrast to a decade ago when I had love and we were trying to make a family.
When I was happy. When I lived.
My being could not be classified as living. More like the walking dead.
Three years of not working, of existing. Of popping pills all day long to combat the symptoms of my existence.
Every day I lived trapped in the memories. Trapped in the crash. Trapped in the aftermath.
Once an ambitious child, I knew I wanted to be a lawyer after watching shows like Law & Order. Later I figured out what I wanted to do and the man I wanted to be.
The end result was far off.
I hated the man I’d become. Pathetic. Broken. Angry. Fucked up beyond any and all repair.
I just wanted to close my eyes and never open them again.
It took two days for me to call Jack back, and him a half an hour to get me to agree to meet with him.
The drive to his office was easy, but with each passing mile my anxiety increased. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen my father-in-law.
Facing any of the Holloways was difficult. They didn’t blame me, even though they should have. I baited the monster and paid the highest price. Haunted by memories and an unending vendetta complete with a promise—I would never be happy again.
Death was the only way to be free.
I arrived early, because what the fuck else was I going to do with my day? That left me sitting in my car, people watching. A few minutes before noon my phone pinged with a text—Jack was running late.
There was no way I was going up. There were many people up there that knew who I was and what I was to Jack, and I hated the looks they gave me. The pity in their eyes.
With the temperature in the car heating up and me in need of a smoke, I got out and leaned against the side. I watched people come and go, moving about their day like it was nothing.
Average people that I envied.
I lit a cigarette and took a drag, then blew it out as I stared at the parking lot. Being the lunch hour, there were lots of people coming and going.
It was sunny out, warm, and as I took another pull I noticed a woman walking through the lot.
There was no particular reason why she caught my eye. She simply did. Maybe the way the sun lit up her blonde hair.
Intrigued, I stared at her. She was unassuming, skittish even.
Something inside me stirred as I stared at her. The beast inside me pulled at the chains that bound him. She called to him from across the sea of asphalt and cars.
She called to me.
Feelings I’d long forgotten awoke with an interest in her.
But why?
Two men walked toward her, and I watched her change. Shoulders drew up, pace slowed, eyes down as her body went rigid as if bracing herself. From what? An attack?
It was subtle. So subtle, most wouldn’t even notice.
But I did, and so did the beast.
She was nothing, no one, but she seemed a mystery I wanted to unravel.
But not.
Because nothing good came from me having interest in anything.
As soon as she passed them, her demeanor returned. Another man came by, and she relaxed.
I wanted her.
The beast wanted her. Some unknown girl, if even for just a taste.
Just a small, tiny taste.
The chains that held me in check began to loosen, and just as I was about to launch myself at her, a hand clamped down on my shoulder.
“Sorry to keep you waiting, Nathan,” Jack said, breaking me from the siren’s song. His brow scrunched as he looked at me. “Are you all right, son?”
I rubbed at my neck as I tried to get a grip, an understanding of what just happened to me. I’d become completely unhinged by a woman in a parking lot who never even met my gaze.
“I’m fine. Just…lost in thought.” And possibly going out of my mind.
I glanced back at her, a woman walking with her, unaware of me or my internal struggle. Unaware of my strange behavior.
I had no clue what came over me, but it was apparent I needed to stay as far from her as I could. Which would be easy. All I had to do was stay away from Jack’s office.
“What did you want to talk about?”
Jack gave me a kind smile. “We’ll talk about it over lunch, but I’d like you to come work for me.”
My eyes widened, my dick twitching at the thought of seeing that strange girl again.
I shook my head. “No.”
Jack pursed his lips and sighed. “Come on. I’ll convince you over lunch.”
I wasn’t so sure about that, but what harm could come from listening to his offer?
Six months later…
I sat in my car.
New car. New suit. New apartment.
New life.
Almost.
The old one still haunted me, lurked around every corner.
After almost an hour, Jack had convinced me to work for him.
No litigation.
That was key. I couldn’t do litigation again.
Checking to make sure the verbiage was correct and there were no loopholes in contracts, I could do.
It had taken six months of paperwork and CLEs to get my license reinstated after having dropped off the face of the earth.
My heart raced, hands shaking as I sat there waiting for the numbers on the clock to change. Every part of me wanted to run away. But what would I be running to?
A sedan pulled up beside me and I glanced over, my eyes widening beneath my sunglasses.
It was her.
The blonde woman I’d seen months ago in the same parking lot. The enigma.
I couldn’t help but stare, watching as she threw her hair up into a bun. The frown as she noticed something I wasn’t able to see. Couldn’t look away when she lifted her hips, dragging her skirt up to her waist. Her thumbs hooked into her pantyhose and pushed them down over her fuck perfect round ass.
Holy fuck.
My cock was as hard as steel in seconds.
Inch by inch, more smooth, pale skin was revealed.
She was so innocent looking while doing something so provocative.
Her gaze caught mine, and I couldn’t stop my lip twitching up into a smirk. My dick strained against my pants as a blush spread over her skin.
I then startled when she flipped me the bird before climbing out and walking away.
My enigma was cheeky.
Fuck.
Fucking fuck.
I was fucking screwed if she was anywhere fucking near me in the building.
Holloway and Holloway had a non-fraternization policy that I had no interest in breaching.
There was no getting close to anyone, because there were consequences. Lives that would not be lost due to me.
After those sobering thoughts, my dick had thankfully gone down and I headed in to find Jack. Part of our arrangement was that no one who knew me was to speak a word about who I was or how Jack and I knew each other.
As fresh of a start as I could get.
The elevator was packed, and when I got off a familiar face smiled at me, then looked around before going into a neutral expression.
“It’s all right, Cassie,” I said to Jack’s secretary.
She gave me a small smile. “Go on in. He’s waiting for you.”
I nodded to her. Grabbing hold of the handle, I pulled it open, which happened to be just as Jack was pushing it to step out.
“Ah, there you are.”
“Am I late?”
He shook his head. “No, no, of course not. I was hoping you’d be a bit early so that I could introduce you to your partner before the announcement.”
I held my arm out. “Lead the way.”
We headed to the stairwell, which surprised me. He looked back at me as we ascended the stairs.
“Mary says I need to get more exercise.”
My mother-in-law.
It left me wondering if working there with all the reminders was really going to work.
I tried to smile at him. Forced one, then forced it to look natural.
When we reached the landing I took in a steadying breath and brushed it all away. The accident, my family, Marconi—pushed aside.
New life.
New beginning.
All channeling the old me.
The one that got me just about anything I wanted. The one I channeled every time I went out to the bar in search of a fuck.
I stood behind Jack as he called a woman in a small office over. Noticed the way her voice seemed forced, fake like a voice used over the phone.
“I wanted to introduce you to your new roommate before the announcement was made.” Jack stepped aside, and ushered me in.
Fuck.
Standing before me was none other than my enigma.
Her mouth popped open, strangely beautiful grey-green eyes wide as she stared at me. It was unnerving, because it felt like she was seeing past the façade.
Fuck.
Not her.
Anyone but her.
“This is Nathan Thorne. He’ll need your guidance until he’s acclimated to how we operate. Please take good care of him.”
“Delilah, was it?” I smirked at her, just as I had in the parking lot, hoping for the same reaction.
Not wanting to be rude, I held out my hand. It took a beat too long for her to slip hers into mine. A stiff, formal shake. Neither wanting to give anything away.
Then we parted, Jack and I heading out.
My hands shook, heart racing, the beast inside drooling.
Fuck.
The cheeky little enigma was my office mate.
I wanted to fuck her.
Fuck her so hard bent over her desk.
Lusting after my off-limits coworker was a shitty way to start a new job. Hopefully the non-fraternization policy would be enough to keep me in check. Maybe I could make sure she stayed away.
Whatever I had to do to keep my distance.