False Hope
When Dmitri and I returned home, Igor the peacock strutted across the driveway. I tapped on the car window to point him out to Dmitri. Freaked out by the rumbling of the Maserati engine, Igor took flight and perched himself on a low-hanging tree limb in front of the house. Dmitri didn’t believe me when I told him we had a peacock living somewhere on the grounds, but even though I hadn’t seen him since I’d returned to America, I knew he was out there somewhere.
The girls were in their pajamas and ready for us to tuck them into bed when we got inside the house. This was their first Christmas in America, and they were excited to experience new traditions, while keeping the Russian ones alive as well. I thanked Anya and Boris for staying with them and wished them a good night. Then the girls and I snuggled up on the daybed in George’s room with the poodles curled up at our feet, while Dmitri sat in the rocker and read ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.
Over the last few months, Dmitri had been improving his vocabulary and learned how to read in English. His accent was still thick, but he spoke faster and with more confidence than when he had first arrived. “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.” Dmitri closed the book and pointed to the ceiling. “Listen. Jingle bells. In America, Santa waits until kids are sleeping to deliver presents.”
“I think I hear reindeer hooves prancing on the roof. Better get to bed quick,” I said.
My little blonde ball of sunshine squealed and hustled off to the bedroom as Dmitri chased her, but Mari stayed behind. Her eyes were glistening and her expression had turned serious.
“What’s wrong, sweetie?”
Mari turned over her hand and revealed a handmade reindeer ornament made of popsicle sticks. It had a red pom-pom nose, glitter glued across its body, and painted brown eyes. I turned it over and read the inscription scrolled across the back,
“To Papa, from Mari.”
My heart dropped to my gut. I was grateful I wasn’t the only member of our family holding on to hope, but I also felt guilty I could no longer assure her that Papa was coming home. When the girls had first come to America, I had told them Vladimir was away on urgent business and would be home as soon as he finished his work. They were used to him being gone for long stretches, and they had no reason to believe anything was wrong.
But as the weeks turned into months and Vladimir still hadn’t made contact, Dmitri and I had settled into our new normal—a routine that didn’t include Papa. Ruslana was so young, she had stopped asking about his whereabouts, but from time to time Mari questioned me about where he was, what he was doing, and when he was coming home. My response was always the same. I don’t know.
“Come with me. I want to show you something.” I led her into the family room and we placed her special ornament on the Christmas tree. Then I took her to my bedroom and revealed the stocking I’d made for Vladimir and the secret stash of gifts wrapped and ready to give to him. Mari’s eyes lit up when I showed her my scrapbook station, the photos, and all the special albums I had made for Papa. While I had faith Vladimir was still alive, I had to be careful not to fill my daughter with false hope.
“I believe Papa will come home to us, but that comes from my heart. I wish I could tell you he was okay, but I don’t know for certain. All I have left now is hope. Do you understand?”
Mari nodded. “I have hope too, Mama.”
My heart nearly burst as it swelled with pride. Knowing our daughter hadn’t given up on him gave me faith that the man we loved so dearly would return to us. The thought of Vladimir unwrapping his sentimental gifts brought on a wave of optimism I hadn’t felt for ages. I hugged my little sweetie, and Vladimir’s egg-shaped music box collection caught my eye, giving me a brilliant idea. I picked up Mari’s hand and guided her to the dresser.
“These belong to Papa.” I pointed to his collection. “Why don’t you choose one and keep it in your room? It will be your Christmas gift from him. I know he would want you to have something special, don’t you?”
Mari’s eyes widened as she marveled at the intricate designs of the eggs. I had no idea where they came from or who had given them to him, but I was certain they held a deep sentimental value for Vladimir to have kept them prominently displayed in his room. Mari’s gaze settled on an emerald green egg with a golden base. If Vladimir would have chosen one for her, it would’ve been that one because it complimented the color of her eyes.
“This one? Perfect choice.” I picked it up and turned the crank. When I set it down, a classic melody played and the egg turned on its base and opened like a flower. Inside, the figurine of a beautiful white bird unfurled its wings as the music played. I gave Mari a reassuring hug as we marveled at Papa’s treasure. When the music stopped, I picked it up and placed it in her hands. “Tomorrow we’ll invite Ruslana to choose one as well, and we’ll pick one for George too.”
She smiled and nodded in agreement. “Thank you, Mama.”
I tucked Mari into bed for the night then closed myself in my room. I laid Vladimir’s stocking on his pillow and crawled into my side of the bed. I hoped to get a decent night’s sleep, but it was impossible to get comfortable since I was so far along in my pregnancy. I had been surviving on a couple hours of rest a night and caught cat naps during the day while Dmitri took care of the girls.
I curled up with a body pillow and tried to rest on my side. When that didn’t work, I stuffed a pillow under my back and stacked a couple behind me to try to sleep sitting up. No luck. I gave up and padded out to the family room for a change of scenery.
I was surprised to see Santa had visited while I was getting ready for bed, and judging by the stacks and stacks of presents under the tree and the overstuffed stockings, my family was on the Nice List this year. I let the poodles out of their crates so they could lie beside me, but before they settled in, they had some important present sniffing to do.
I made a cushiony nest of blankets and pillows and settled in on the couch. I admired the handmade ornaments that adorned our tree, and smiled when I noticed Santa’s reindeer had taken a couple chomps out of the carrots and celery Mari and Ruslana had set out for them. Santa had a plate of goodies designated for him too and polished off the chocolate chip cookies and brownies, leaving only a few crumbs behind. I couldn’t wait to see the girls’ reactions when they woke up Christmas morning. I was blessed to have the girls and Dmitri in my life. Dmitri was a wonderful man, but my heart wasn’t ready to move on.
I love you, Vladimir. I will always love you. Fight to stay alive. Come home to us…
I let out a series of yawns and snuggled my way into a comfortable position. I closed my eyes and filled my head with images of Vladimir and me taking care of George. Sleepless nights, around the clock feedings, changing diapers, holding our beautiful baby in our arms…Our forever life was set up to be perfect—all that was missing was Vladimir.