Chapter Twenty-Two
You need to decide what you want from life.
Callie made her way into her office, her throat aching, and lowered herself into her chair.
She’d been trying to do that. Trying to start a new life, single and independent, accomplishing something she was proud of. Her grandparents’ pride and love made her feel like maybe she wasn’t a complete failure.
Yes, she’d wanted to prove herself. Yes, she’d wanted to accomplish something. But then she’d dared to want even more…to want Cash’s love.
She’d known it was going to come—his rejection. Because it always did. She should have known better than to think she could ever come first with someone.
Her heart felt like it was shrinking in her chest, and it was hard to breathe.
But…despite her hurt and anger, she was ashamed of how she’d acted toward Cash. He’d chosen Beau and their business over her, but she understood why. He was a good man. The best. Loyal to his friend. Loyal to the people who worked for him. Loyal to his family.
Because she’d been so hurt, so ashamed of being not good enough once again, she’d lashed out at him. How could she have been such a bitch? And such a coward.
Her eyes stung, and she squeezed them shut, almost gasping with the pain that shafted through her at the thought of how hurtful she’d been toward Cash.
She had to go to him and apologize. To tell him that she hadn’t slept with him out of revenge—and she’d only said that out of hurt and confusion. He didn’t deserve that. She had to tell him the truth.
Fear gripped her with icy fingers. God. Making herself that vulnerable was terrifying. But telling the truth so that Cash knew she hadn’t used him mattered more than her own fear and insecurity. She had to make that right at least.
She didn’t know if he cared about her or not, but the fact remained that he didn’t want a relationship with her because she was Beau’s ex-wife. She hated that, but she had to accept it. And she also had to admire his loyalty and principles.
She needed to do it now, while her courage was up. She rose to her feet and grabbed her purse from the desk drawer where she kept it.
She glanced at her watch. It was late afternoon, but he was probably still at the office. Or he could be out with some other woman who wasn’t so stupidly self-doubting. Someone confident, who knew she was good enough for him.
She had to stop thinking like that. She was good enough for him. She had to stop letting her parents’ disregard and Beau’s cheating make her feel less. She had friends who cared about her, who she loved right back. And like Grandma had said…look what she’d accomplished with Caked. People admired her creations. Dammit, she was worthy of being loved. She’d screwed up, but she could be brave enough to apologize for that.
She was either going to have to go hunting for him or call him and ask if he’d see her.
Hunting it was.
“Ginnie, can you handle things here for the next hour or so? I’ll be back to close up.”
“Sure!”
She left through the back door to the small lot where she’d parked her car and drove to the offices of Talmadge Hale Consulting. When she saw Cash’s truck parked in the lot behind the building, her hands started shaking. She nibbled her bottom lip as she entered the building and rode the elevator to the third floor.
She entered the reception area through the glass door. Shannon, the receptionist, smiled at her a little quizzically. “Hi, Callie. Are you here to see Beau? I think he’s gone for the day.”
“Actually I need to see Cash.”
Shannon blinked. “Well, sure, he’s in his office.”
“Thanks.”
She hurried past the reception desk and down the hall. She’d been to the office many times, although not for a while, and knew exactly where Cash’s office was.
The door was open, and she paused there to gather her courage. He sat at his desk, frowning at his computer. His tie was gone, if he’d had one on that day, his dress shirt open at the throat, the sleeves rolled up. His hair was tousled, as if he’d been running his hands through it, and tension tightened his jaw and mouth.
“Cash.”
His head jerked up. She took two steps into the office, her insides quivering. She swallowed. “Can I talk to you for a few minutes?”
He leaned back in his chair, his face impassive. Their eyes met and held. Tension sparked. “About what?”
Taking that as a yes, she closed the office door and approached his desk. She perched on the edge of a chair opposite him, her fingers curled around the handles of her purse set on her lap. Then she frowned. “What happened to your eye?”
He touched a finger to the bruise darkening the skin beneath his left eye. “Nothing. What do you want to talk about?”
She pressed her lips together briefly, then swallowed. “I came here to apologize.”
His eyes barely flickered, and he said nothing.
“I want to apologize for what I said to you that night at the Crab Festival. It wasn’t true. I didn’t sleep with you to get revenge on Beau for cheating on me.” She eyed him. She had no idea if he believed her. She closed her eyes briefly. “The truth is, I fell in love with you.”
His lips tightened. The air in the room thickened.
“I’ve always liked you. Well, at first I thought you were a standoffish jerk who disapproved of me. But when I was with Beau…I got to know you better. And I got to like you. As a friend. After Beau and I divorced, I…still liked you. And then after we slept together…I guess it’s a cliché, but my feelings changed.” She paused, her throat so dry she could barely swallow. She coughed. “You know what my life was like growing up. How I tried so hard to be what my parents wanted me to be. But it was never good enough. When Beau cheated on me, I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him, either.”
Cash made a rough noise, his eyes narrowing, tension lifting his shoulders. “Callie—”
“No, please, let me finish. I figured I wasn’t good enough for you to love, either,” she continued, painfully aware that her voice had gone high and shaky. “So I told you I slept with you for revenge because I was hurt. But it wasn’t true. It was insulting to you, and I feel ashamed of that.”
She swiped her fingertips beneath one eye where a tear had escaped, dammit. And then she stood and walked backwards to the door, seized with an urgent need to get the hell out of there, her words coming out faster and faster. “So, that’s all. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for what I said. And also I’m sorry that I put you in that position to start with. I know you didn’t want to go there and you felt guilty about it. I never meant to j-jeopardize your friendship with B-Beau…” She sucked in a breath. “Or…or your business. I know how much this business means to you. So I’m sorry about that, too.”
She gave a tight nod, a grimace that was supposed to be a smile, and reached for the doorknob.
“Callie—”
She held up a hand to stop him. “No. I had to get that out. Don’t feel sorry for me. I don’t want your pity.”
She turned on her heels and fled, sprinting out of the offices of Talmadge Hale, skidding to a stop as the elevator doors opened right in front of her. Tears blurred her vision, and she barely saw someone step out. She slipped in around him, smacking the button for the ground floor, then the button to close the doors.
She ran to her car and jumped in, breathless and trembling. Her hands were shaking so much she almost couldn’t get the key in the ignition, but she managed and hit the gas to reverse out of the spot, nearly sideswiping the car next to her. Then she peeled out of the parking lot with a squeal of rubber on pavement.
Okay. She’d done it. She drew air slowly into her lungs, then let it out even slower.
It was done.
Now she could go back to her life with a clear conscience.
And a broken heart.
For surely that had to be what that stabbing heat was in her chest. A wrenching, engulfing pain. Her hands trembled on the steering wheel, and she curled them tighter, gripping it until her knuckles turned white.
Wow. This hurt even more than when Beau had cheated on her.
Then, she’d felt betrayed and humiliated, yes. And that had been awful. But the love she felt for Cash was different from how she’d felt for Beau. She liked Cash so much, admired him for his loyalty and principles, his intelligence and talent, his dynamic energy and that big protective streak that annoyed his sister. She admired him for looking after his mother, for putting his sister through school, for having the guts to meet his father after being abandoned by him.
Knives twisted inside her, the pain of having hurt him—a good man, a man who’d supported her like nobody else ever had—and him not loving her in return and knowing he never would. Or if he did, he wouldn’t let himself because of their circumstances. The impotent rage and frustration of this whole mess burned through her.
But like Grandma had said, she was strong. She’d run away to Europe last time she’d been hurt, but this time she had something to stay for—her new business that she loved. Now she could throw herself into that and get on with her life, being her own person like she’d always wanted to be.
Stopped at a red light, she looked down at the tattoo on her finger, the lotus blossom that symbolized strength through adversity, growing up through muck to blossom in the sun. There’d always be a hollow emptiness where Cash should be, but she’d survived rejection before and was stronger because of it. She’d grow through this, too.
…
Cash stared at the door Callie had just bolted out of.
She was in love with him.
Really?
He leaped out of his seat and called her again. “Callie! Wait!”
He barreled after her, through the office, then smack into Jose who’d just stepped out of the elevator.
“Whoa, man.” Jose grabbed him by the shoulders. “Where’s the fire?”
“Fuck, get out of my way.” They did that dance, where he moved one way and Jose followed, then the other. Finally, he shoved Jose aside, but the elevator doors were closed. “Shit!” He slapped a hand on the wall and dropped his head.
“What’s going on?”
Ignoring Jose, he turned and bolted down the hall to the stairs at the end. He shoved through the door and clattered down three flights of concrete stairs, emerging at the back of the building. He glanced wildly around. She must have parked out front in visitor parking. He set off at another run along the sidewalk, around the corner, past big pots of palms and bright flowers. As he rounded another corner to the front of the structure, he saw Callie’s car squeal out of the parking lot.
“Fuck!” He paused, hands on his hips, panting. He dropped his head forward.
She loved him.
He almost couldn’t believe he’d really heard her say that. He’d sat there in stunned silence listening to her. Christ. Did she really love him? He closed his eyes at the elation that burst like sparklers in his chest.
He needed to get to her, to tell her he loved her, too. Urgency gripped him, and he started toward his truck. Wait. He had no keys. Jesus.
He jogged back into the building, this time taking the elevator.
On the ride up, his happiness dimmed.
He’d hurt her.
She said he’d hurt her. And he had. Badly. Not only by acting like he didn’t care, by pulling away and letting her think all he’d wanted was sex…but most importantly, he’d hurt her by not putting her first.
He’d loved her forever, and he’d lost her because he’d been too stupid to put her first.
He was a fucking idiot.
He walked back into his office at a slower pace.
For months he’d been racked with guilt about what he and Callie’d been doing, worried about being loyal to his friend and business partner. So he’d messed around with Callie, knowing they shouldn’t but unable to stop himself because, God help him, he loved her more than anything, and in the end he’d hurt her out of allegiance to his friend.
As he stepped into his office, he thought about his father. About their meeting, and the things he’d said. He sank into his chair, staring blindly at his desk.
Maybe love and fidelity weren’t as black and white as he’d always thought. Thinking about his own feelings for Callie and the guilt he felt because she was Beau’s ex-wife made him wonder how complicated his father’s feelings for his new love had been. Had he fallen out of love with Mama, and into something deeper and more powerful with Breena? Had he found it as impossible to stay away from Breena as Cash had found it to stay away from Callie? Had he been as racked with misery and guilt about what he’d done as Cash had?
Dad had still cheated. Maybe there were shades and layers to the story Cash was only now mature enough and selfless enough to understand.
Right or wrong. Black or white. There was so much in between. Beau and Callie were divorced. Callie’d fallen in love with him. And he loved her, too, beyond anything. He always had. He always would. Even though she was his friend’s ex-wife…was loving Callie really so wrong? Didn’t they deserve to be happy? After all, it was Beau who’d cheated.
He’d been determined he wasn’t going to be like Beau or his dad. He wasn’t going to betray people he cared about. But in his determination not to be that guy, he’d failed to see…he wasn’t.
He’d been worried about losing Beau as a friend. But really, their friendship had changed the day Cash had caught Beau cheating on Callie. They still got along as business partners.
Until this morning, when he’d confessed his sins.
Beau had been fucking pissed, and Cash didn’t blame him. By the time he’d cooled down and returned to the office, Beau’d been gone, so they hadn’t talked, and Cash had no idea what was going to happen with them.
Friendship was important. Business was important. Loyalty was important. But Callie was the most important thing of all. She deserved to be put first.
His gut churned remembering what she’d said. Nobody had ever put her first—not her parents, not Beau, and now not him, either.
God. He tipped his head back, his chest burning.
How could he show her how important she was to him?
He’d already confessed to Beau, and their friendship was probably history. He had to go to Callie. But there was one thing he had to do first.
…
Callie was about to lock the door and flip the sign to closed when Beau walked into Caked.
Great. Just what she needed.
She reluctantly introduced him to Ginnie, who recognized the name, her eyes widening.
“We need to talk, Callie,” Beau said.
Ginnie shot Callie a look. “Kevin’s picking me up right at six. We’re going to a concert. I hope that’s okay.”
Callie smiled at her, even though it would have been great to make up an excuse for Ginnie to stay. “That’s totally fine, Ginnie. See you tomorrow.”
She locked up the shop and turned the cute sign on the door from open to closed.
With Ginnie gone, she turned to face Beau. “I’ve told you before, we have nothing to talk about.”
“Yeah, honey, we do.”
Her senses went on alert at the gentle tone of his voice. This was different.
“Cash told me about you two.”
Her eyes flew open wide, and she took a step back, bumping into the counter. “What?”
“He spilled his guts. Not sure why.”
“H-he told you?” Um, she still wasn’t sure exactly what Cash had said. How much should she admit to?
“Yeah.”
She studied Beau. “Are you upset?”
“I was. I was fucking pissed as hell, if you want the truth.”
“Oh no.” Cash’s black eye…had they fought? Her heart thumped. “Oh God, Beau. Did you hit him?”
“Yeah.” He grimaced. “Don’t worry, he hit me back.” He winced as he fingered his jaw. “He let me get in one good shot, probably because of his guilty conscience, but he’s apparently been keeping a lot of anger bottled up inside, because he laid in to me, too.” He sighed. “And I deserved it.” He eyed her. “I’m sorry I cheated on you, Callie.”
“Oh.” Her eyes widened. He’d never said that to her. Never.
“Callie…do you love him?”
She swallowed and twisted her fingers together. “I do. I didn’t mean to fall in love with him…but I did.” She paused and whispered, “I’m sorry, Beau.”
His face tightened, but he shrugged. “I get it.”
Was this some kind of weird dream?
“He thinks you were using him to get back at me.”
She rolled her lips in, guilt stabbing at her for what she’d said.
“That’s not true, is it?”
“No,” she admitted.
He nodded, looking almost sad. “I didn’t think so. He’s crazy about you, too.”
She snorted. “Yeah, right. All he wanted was sex. He got pissed off one night because I fell asleep on the couch and he had to go without. And I haven’t heard from him since.”
“Ugh.” Beau rubbed his forehead. “That might’ve been my fault.”
She squinted at her ex. “Huh?”
“I told him we could lose a big job if he didn’t stay away from you.”
Her forehead tightened. “What big job?”
Beau hesitated. “A big job for Sutherland Industries. We’ve been working on a bid for this job for months. And we really need the business.” He paused. “I kind of also told him that I wanted you back.”
“Oh my God, Beau! You told him that?”
“Yeah.”
“Why? I told you before—we are never, ever getting back together.”
Beau sighed. “I kind of suspected there was something going on between you two. I was worried about us not getting the job. And…” He looked away from her. “I didn’t like the idea of him being with you. So I told him I wanted to get back together with you, and your family wanted us back together, and I kind of implied that we could lose the Sutherland Industries project if that didn’t happen.”
“You what?” She stared at him. “Oh my God! I have nothing to do with Sutherland Industries!”
“But you are a Sutherland.”
“Sweet loving Lord. That’s the only reason you wanted to marry me, isn’t it?”
“No, Callie.”
“Yes, it is.” She’d known that for a long time. It used to sting, but now it didn’t matter. “I gradually realized after we got married what was more important to you. All the long hours you spent working, all the business functions you went to… Do you know how lonely I was?”
His face fell. “I guess I never thought…”
“Your career and your image and making money were more important to you than I was. When you cheated on me, at first it made me question myself. Why wasn’t I enough for you?”
He made a rough sound.
“But now I see…your cheating wasn’t a reflection on me, or on what I was lacking…it was a reflection on you.”
“Ouch,” he muttered.
“Things changed when you and Cash started your business. You changed. You…disappeared.”
His eyebrows pulled together. “Really?”
“Yes. I wanted you to be successful, but…you were different.”
“It is important to me,” he said quietly. “To be successful. My parents expect it. Your parents expected it. I had to live up to that. And…” He hesitated. “You’re right. I liked being a Sutherland.”
Callie nodded slowly. “I get that. I know how it feels to let your parents down. Believe me, I understand. But for me, there are other things more important than money. Family. Friendship. Love.” She hesitated. “Did you…” She hated to ask, but she needed to know. “Did you ever really love me? Or did you just marry me because of who I am?” Her insides quivered as she awaited his answer. She didn’t love Beau anymore, but it still hurt to think that she’d been used that way.
“I did love you, Callie.” His voice was low and rough. “I really did. And I really fucked up.”
Her heart expanded, and her throat thickened. She closed her eyes, then opened them and met his gaze. Even though she no longer loved him, regret for what they’d had and lost washed through her. “Thank you. Maybe if I’d done something different…if I tried to talk to you about how I was feeling. But anytime I complained about you working late or not being around much, I felt like I was pushing you further away. Maybe I should have tried harder.”
“No, Callie. You were perfect. And I blew it.” Beau swallowed.
Wow. This was the most honest conversation they’d ever had. “No wonder Cash felt so guilty.” She sighed. “I kept telling him you and I were done, forever, meanwhile you were telling him you wanted to get back together.”
Beau actually winced. “Yeah.”
“And he was worried about jeopardizing your business.” She pressed her fingertips to her temples, thinking about the pressure Cash must have felt. No wonder he’d stopped calling her.
Her gaze moved behind Beau to a figure outside her shop door. Cash.
Her heart skipped a beat, and she straightened. Her eyes locked with Cash’s through the glass, and all the air left her lungs. Time seemed suspended.
Then he frowned and shouted, “Callie. Let me in.”
Beau jerked around. “What the hell?”
Callie licked her lips, then moved to the door. She unlocked and opened it with trembling hands.
Cash blew in, all angry, gorgeous energy. “What are you doing here?” he demanded of Beau, looking as though he was ready to punch him. Callie went on alert, prepared to break up a fight if need be.
“Talking to Callie.” Beau crossed his arms. “What are you doing here?”
Cash’s lips tightened. “I came to talk to Callie, but it’s actually good you’re here, too.” He lifted his chin. “I left you a memo back at the office, but now I can tell you in person. I’m leaving Talmadge Hale.”