Chapter 21
Nathan
“If you break your phone, I’m not buying you another,” Mark says from across the conference room. The signed contracts for upcoming promotions are the only papers on the twelve-foot-long table. He leans back in his seat, seemingly casual, but I know him better.
I try to respond with something, anything, but no words come to mind. I can’t think about anything other than Hally. This meeting is the only thing that kept me from watching her today. That, and the fact that she told me she needed space.
That’s a new one from her and it’s a cruel one too. Because it gives me too much hope.
“You’ve been tense all day,” he says to break up the silence.
“Are we done here?” I ask him, pocketing my phone and intent on going straight to Hally’s dressing room. I pick up the pen, set it down on the stack of papers and push them forward, closer to him, although there’s no way he’d be able to reach them. It’s just to signify that I’m done with this.
He lets out an uncomfortable sigh, pulling at his tie and focusing on the checkered pattern before looking back up at me. “Is it Harlow?” he asks.
Shame is the first thing I feel and it’s what makes me break his gaze. I can’t look anyone in the eye, knowing I’ve lost her again. And it’s my fault, I know it is. I’ve shut her down time and time again. There’s only so much a person can take.
I should have been there for her years ago. Just like I’ve been doing all day, I take my phone out and see that she’s seen the messages, but she hasn’t responded.
The dry ache in my throat and the plummeting in my chest overwhelm the anger.
This isn’t a stupid high school game. We’ve both grown up.
This isn’t a fight either; I know how Hally approaches them.
She doesn’t want me.
Plain and simple.
I know how I messed up. I just don’t know how to make her forgive me.
“If you two split,” Mark interrupts my thoughts and my eyes rise to his. I forgot he was even here. I forgot where I was. “We’ll lose this deal. Well, one of the two of you will. There’s no way they’ll believe you can work together,” Mark says and then cuts off his words. As if he’s just now realizing I’m pissed off.
“What I was saying,” Mark continues, shifting in his seat. “We have plenty of new deals available.”
I tap my fingers on the table, the rest of my body like a stone. I don’t even think I can repeat back what he said beyond the words, “If you two split.”
“We’re not breaking up,” I answer him simply. Denial. I hear the sinister whisper in the back of my skull, but I ignore it. “It’s just a fight,” I tell him although the excuse is more for me.
“And what’s this fight about?” he asks.
I hesitate, and he takes the time to explain. “I’ve never seen you like this,” he says.
“And?” I dare him to continue.
I can practically see the wheels turning in his head, wondering whether or not he should tell me what’s on his mind.
“This isn’t you,” Mark suggests, gesturing with his hand.
I haven’t been myself in years. I forgot who I was. And that’s the way I wanted it to be. “The only person who truly knows me is her, Mark,” I tell him and the raw honesty hurts.
She knows every flaw and every weakness. And she’s never exploited them. She’s loved me in spite of it all. My eyes close and my head falls back as I realize I haven’t told her how much it means to me. How everything else could vanish and if only she was left, I would still feel complete.
She should know that, shouldn’t she?
If there’s one thing I should tell her, it should be that.
“Where are you going?” Mark asks me.
“To her room,” I answer him quickly and dare him to question it.
His eyes narrow as he tilts his head. “Is she really worth it?” he asks and it’s the worst fucking thing he could have done. My knuckles crack as I make two fists and push them against the table as I lean forward to answer him, holding back my rage and the desire to destroy him for questioning how much I love her. How much I need her. I wasn’t even living until she came back to me.
“She is mine. My girlfriend, or whatever you want to call it. She’s mine and I’m not letting her go,” I tell him and my words come out more menacing than anything else.
He doesn’t answer me for a long time, and I can see he wants to question me.
“I messed up. But it was ten years ago.” My voice is raw as I tell him the truth, the full confession so close to the tip of my tongue. “How long do I have to pay for it?” I ask him as my heart feels like it’s collapsing in on itself. “How do I make it right?” I barely get out as my breathing gets heavier, faster. I’m truly begging. I’ve never begged for anything, but for her, I’d do anything.
“Did you tell her you were sorry?” he asks me, the questioning in his eyes long gone. I nod my head in response, trying to relax my anxious body. “Did you show her?” he asks.
I can’t respond, because the truth is, I don’t know how. I turn away from him, running a hand down my face and trying to think of what I could do to show her I’m truly sorry I ever left her. I had to though. I couldn’t let her be associated with me, knowing the cops would find out.
But they never did. It’s the guilt that kept the distance between us.
“You left her, pushed her away?” Mark asks from behind me and I turn back around to face him.
“I had to,” I tell him in response, but the words feel hollow. Even I notice the lack of conviction. If only I could go back.
“Maybe you should chase her then.”
I don’t think twice about it, not a second to waste. I shove my palms against the table and get the hell out of the room. “Talk to you soon,” I tell Mark as I leave to go get Hally. When I glance at him as I open the door to leave, he gives me a nod although I’m not sure if it’s an approving one. No one likes to root for someone who keeps secrets from them.
I don’t need anyone’s approval though. I only need Hally.
I have to take the elevator up to the fourteenth floor to the set she’s on, while each second that passes pisses me off. The elevator has never moved so slowly before; the time teases me, taunts me really. As if it wants to torture me this one last time before I get to have her forever.
The hall’s empty when I step out and I already know I’m going to be disappointed. I know something’s off. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach.
The set’s being taken apart as I walk past it. I keep going, straight to her dressing room. Slipping the phone from my pocket I check for a message from her, but there’s nothing.
My heart stutters and my limbs go stiff; she’s intentionally ignoring me, but I don’t let it stop me. She’s the one who wants to talk, and I can do that now. I only need one more chance.
I check her dressing room. It’s empty.
I check her friend’s, but it’s vacant too.
Standing there numbly, I’m not sure what to do or where to go. I call her, but it doesn’t ring, just goes straight to voicemail. I’ve never felt this alone.
It’s not till I get to my dressing room and find the letter she left that I feel any sort of control.
Nathan,
I have to leave. It’s the best thing for me at the moment.
I’m sorry, but I have to take care of myself right now.
- Hally
I stare at her signature for far too long, tracing the double Ls with the tip of my finger. She didn’t sign it "yours” or "with love.” There’s no mention of us or where we stand. The only question on my mind is where I’m going to find her. Because if it’s the last thing I do, I will find her.