I'm upstairs in my painting room, which is really nothing more than a large walk-in closet that my brother converted to make more space for me to work. There's even a window to give me better lighting. I'm standing by the window, eyeing my latest piece critically when I see Carson's pickup pull into our driveway. Excited, I put away my paints and head downstairs. I've just been mucking around with a little landscape that I'm doing for fun during the holidays.

I can't help it, I nearly skip down the steps, jumping over the last three to land with a thump at the bottom. Andrea, my half-sister, is sitting on the couch in the living room, giving me an amused look as I come down. “You're in one heck of a hurry.”

“Carson and Nathan just got home!” I reply, trying not to jump up and down. Andrea gives me a knowing look, and I take a deep breath, calming down. “Sorry, you're right. It's just that Nathan's been getting so much stronger, I've been so nervous about everything. After he started having problems with his kidneys last month, I've been worried about him, that's all.”

Andrea sets her books aside and gets up, coming over to me. It looks like she's been reading a book on computer programming, not your typical holiday reading. But then again, Andrea is anything but the typical woman. Even though she's tiny, standing six inches shorter than me, and barely a hundred and ten pounds, there's a strength to her I don't think I'll ever have. Carson's already invited her to stay on at MCS, our art gallery chain, but she hasn't decided yet. She's thinking perhaps she'll work on her own and do some freestyle investing, or maybe she'll partner up with Jackson, our brother, who is also learning how to invest.

“'Lissa, I know you're worried about Nathan. He's a strong man though, and he's been feeling better. You know, you really should come with me when I have him do his rehab workouts in the barn,” she says, taking my hand. “You could see for yourself how good he's doing.”

I shake my head, nervous. I hate that every time pressure comes into my life or that I think about Nathan I get nervous, because when he comes to me I feel like things are a little better than when he's not here. But I can't help it, I'm just not strong like Andrea is. The things I’ve been through and seen have shaped me this way, and I hate it. In our family, the only person weaker than me is Baby Andrea, Jackson's daughter, and she can't even walk yet.

“I can't do that, Andrea. You know I'd just screw it up somehow.”

Andrea smiles gently and reaches up to cup my cheek. “No you wouldn't. I've told you, I think Nathan would appreciate it if you did come out and see what he's doing. Just like you enjoy it sometimes when I come out and help you with your sculpting in the barn.”

I blush. I know that Andrea loves me, and she's the best sister I could ever hope to have. In the four months we've known each other, we've grown closer and closer every day. She and Carson are my lifelines, but I can't help but be just a little bit jealous of their relationship. They're in love, and I still have to sit down to wrap my head around it on a regular basis. I can't object though, since they aren't related by blood, and their love is beautiful and pure.

Regardless, Andrea doesn't understand the storm of feelings inside me whenever I think of Nathan. Strong, dedicated and stoic, Nathan is even more of a safety blanket than having Carson and Andrea around. “I... I just can't, Andrea.”

Before Andrea can respond, the back door opens, and I hear Carson and Nathan come in. “Hey girls, we're home!”

Andrea gives me a supportive smile and takes my hand to lead me as we head toward the kitchen. “Welcome back,” Andrea greets, letting go of my hand to give Carson a hug and kiss. “How was town?”

“Oh, you know,” Nathan replies, taking a seat at the kitchen table. Even though we're on vacation, he's dressed as he always is when he leaves the farm. He looks impeccable in his black linen suit and tie, his white shirt pressed and perfect. Underneath his jacket I can see the slight bulge caused by his shoulder holster and the ever-present Colt 1911 he carries under his left arm whenever he goes anywhere near New Orleans itself. Sometimes he even wears it when he's around the farm as well. He's very careful about our family's security, even if it's been quiet for months, and is always on guard to protect us. It's just one of the many things that I like about him—his dedication.

“Come on Nathan, spill it,” Andrea says, smiling. “I'm not letting you go play with your new teas in your collection until you tell us how the doctor's appointment went.”

“Well, he gave me a full workup, and he is going to call with the blood lab results,” Nathan says, choosing his words carefully. “From what he was able to do at the clinic, he says I'm as close to one hundred percent as I am ever going to get. My left kidney is always going to be at about fifty percent from now on, but unless I plan on doing an Ironman Triathlon, it shouldn’t be a problem. I just have to stay hydrated and eat healthy.”

“Fifty percent?” I ask, worry creeping into my mind. I can feel my heart starting to race, and I force myself to take a deep breath. I hate my anxiety issues, but if Nathan said it's not a problem, I’ll trust it. “What caused that?”

“A combination of the poison, and that bout of pneumonia I caught back around Halloween, he thinks,” Nathan says, standing up and coming over. He puts a calming hand on my shoulder, and I take strength from his light jade eyes, even the scarred one. He thinks it makes him look scary, but to me, it makes him look even more noble. He looks like a man who has his flaws, but still cobbles himself together to do his best. A real man, not some sort of imaginary superhero. “Basically the antibiotics I took reacted with my body in a bad way. It’s okay, 'Lissa. Really. I’ll be fine.”

“That's... that's good news then,” I say, trying to smile. “You'll be healthy again.”

“I will,” Nathan says, giving me a little smile. “Thanks to you and Carson and Andrea. You have all made this house a home, and I am grateful.”

I want to say more, but I can't, and instead I give him my best smile and pat his hand. “Then let's celebrate. Would you let me make the tea today?”

Nathan nods, smiling. I know I'm the only one he lets touch his teas beside him, and it's one of the ways that I hold out hope, even if it is a foolish hope. “Sure. I’d like that very much, 'Lissa.”

* * *

It's pretty late for me to be hanging out in the barn, but it's the place I feel most at peace, most centered. The sun's nearly set, but I haven't turned on the inside lights yet, instead letting the little bit of sunlight coming in through the open doors bounce off my latest sculpture, Ascension. It's evolved in the past three months from my original goal. Ever since meeting Nathan on that early autumn day in September, the piece has changed slowly, becoming more about redemption and growth. Andrea, who helps me out periodically with polishing and other grunt work while I do the welding, thinks it's my finest work yet. While I'm not quite happy with it yet, I think she's right.

I see someone coming across the dooryard toward the barn from the house, and I can't tell who it is immediately due to the the shadows. After a moment, I recognize the relaxed walk and see Carson come into focus. “Hey 'Lissa, you okay out here?”

“Yeah, I'm okay,” I answer, getting up from the hay bale I've been sitting on and putting Mr. Trumbull, my teddy bear, up on his shelf. Carson notices and comes over, sitting down on the bale and patting it. I sink down next to him, resting my elbows on my knees. “You guys getting worried, I guess?”

“No, I just wanted to hang out with my sister for a little bit,” Carson says with a smile, putting his arm around my shoulders. For twenty-three years, it was just the two of us really, and even after Andrea joined us, he's still the greatest source of comfort in my life. I know sometimes he feels like he failed me since I've only really come out of my shell more since Andrea joined our family, but he saved me in the darkest of times, and did it without a single complaint. He's the closest thing I've ever known to a superhero, and I'm lucky to have him as my brother. “Since we got back from Nathan's appointment I noticed you've been a bit down. What's up?”

“Oh, I've just been sitting out here thinking,” I say, looking at the head of the lone angel on Ascension, the one that I know I've made to represent Nathan. I made sure to include a slight blemish on the bright steel where the left side of the face would be, and an unbuffed portion on the left side where Nathan carries his pistol. “It's been a rather strange year for us, little brother.”

Carson hums, following my eyes. “It has been. Especially this fall and beginning of winter. I'll be honest, I never thought Andrea and I would fall in love so hard, so fast.”

I chuckle and nod before putting my head on Carson's shoulder. “You know, the first time I woke up after a nightmare and I found that both of you had joined me was the best feeling in my entire life. It helped me put aside my fears that you two would slowly begin to grow tired of me.”

“Never,” Carson says, giving me a kiss on the temple. “Actually, I've been wanting to talk to you about that.”

“About what?” I ask, curious.

“Well, you know that Andrea and I love each other. And that, well, we express it a bit differently than what you probably expected.”

I laugh, I can't help it. Carson talking about his love life has always been funny, but him talking about his love life with Andrea is even funnier. “If you mean that she calls you 'Sir' half the time, I've noticed. Carson, I sleep across the hall from you two. I know you guys are... unique.”

Carson blushes, then nods. “You've been awesome with accepting all of it, 'Lissa. I've felt bad I never quite told you about that side of me, but I never could figure out how to tell you.”

“I think you have a problem talking about how strong you really are,” I reply, smiling. “It's not just romantically, either. You always downplay yourself around me. So what are you and Andrea thinking about?”

Carson takes a deep breath and gives me a look. “Would you be upset if Andrea and I took things deeper? Like... husband and wife?”

I stop, my smile disappearing for a moment before it comes back, and I nod. “I think that would be awesome. But can I ask you for a few things?”

“Like what?” Carson asks, relief in his voice.

“First, that you guys do at least some kind of ceremony. I know you've talked about doing things like Katrina and Jackson, no church or government or anything like that...”

“Underground,” Carson says, and I nod.

“Right, underground. But it'd be nice for me if you guys at least did something privately, maybe just a little family ceremony? I'd like to be there for that.”

Carson smiles and takes my hand. “Only if you're the person who oversees it.”

I nod my head, patting his chest. “Agreed.”

Carson smiles and gives me another kiss on the temple. “I love you, 'Lissa.”

“I love you too, Carson. Was there anything else you wanted to ask me about?”

Carson nods, looking up at Ascension again. “Has Nathan said anything about the fact you've made him into one of your angels?”

I shake my head, sighing. “No. Do you think he's noticed?”

“Well, let me put it this way. The past few times I've been here with him to push him in his rehab while Andrea's at campus or studying, he's stopped each time, looking up at that one figure in particular. He doesn't say anything, but I can see it in his eyes. He recognizes it for what it is. I told you when we invited him to stay... still waters run deep.”

“Do they run at all?” I ask, afraid. “Carson, do they really run at all?”

“I know yours do,” Carson says. “Why don't you say something to him about how you feel?”

“I can't,” I say, my breath catching. Dammit, why? Why do I have to be this way? I'm emotionally crippled, trapped within a shell that has panic attacks too often, leaving me trapped on a farm and unable to even give voice to a man I want more than anything else. “I can't tell him.”

“Well, if I were you,” Carson says carefully, “I'd do my best to force myself to say something. While you've been out here, he's been on the phone with some of his contacts in New Orleans and Baton Rouge. He's talking about getting his own place again, somewhere he can keep a better ear to the ground on what Peter DeLaCoeur might be bringing against us next.”

At the mention of my father, I take a deep, shuddering breath and clench my fists, trying to fight down the panic. Carson puts his arm around me again and holds me carefully for a minute while the wave passes. When I can speak again, I can only think of Nathan. “Is he really thinking of leaving?”

Carson nods, and when he speaks, I swear I hear sadness in his voice. “'Lissa, what drives you to be a great artist?”

“I... it's just in my heart. I want to create beautiful things to try and show how I want the world to be.”

“That's part of it,” Carson agrees, letting go of me and taking my hand, “but at the core, you do it because you're driven to be a great artist, 'Lissa. It's who you are, it's your identity. At your soul, you are an artist. Nathan... Nathan is a protector. I think even if there wasn't the threat from Peter, Nathan would be out there protecting someone. And right now, for him, the greatest goal he has in life is to protect our family. It's what gets him out of bed every morning. It's what drove him in his recuperation, and it's what will always drive him.”

“That's not a bad thing,” I say softly, thinking of Nathan. “It's noble.”

“It is now,” Carson agrees. “But he's in pain too, you know.”

“Aisha,” I whisper, thinking of the little bit I know of Nathan's long-dead love.

“Perhaps, but it's more I think because of the evil he did after her death,” Carson replies. “He's not sure he's worthy of love anymore. At least, that's what Katrina thinks when we talked about it at Christmas. But you need to tell him, 'Lissa. If not, I think he's going to move out because he thinks he can better protect the entire family from a different place.”

“You think that's why he nixed our idea of getting him another dog?” I ask, thinking about the only thing that hurt about Christmas this year. Nathan was polite, but firm on his insistence that we would not get him another dog.

“I don't know, 'Lissa. He may have a lot of reasons. But you should still talk to him.”

I shake my head, hugging myself. “I... I can't, Carson.”

Carson looks like he's about to protest, then sighs. “Okay, 'Lissa. Just remember what I said, okay? He might not stick around forever, and I don't want you to have any regrets. Either way though, I'll be here for you, and Andrea, too.”

I nod again, quiet. “Thank you. Give me a few minutes, then? I just want to think a bit more, then I'm coming inside.”

Carson hums, and gives me a quick hug. “Okay. Don't wait too long, okay? Andrea picked up some cheesecake when we went shopping the other day, saving it just for this occasion. It's organic, super creamy supposedly. Best of all, Andrea said she's making chocolate sauce just for you.”

I smile. The idea of chocolate sauce cheers up any day. “Five minutes, little brother. Just five minutes.”

Carson leaves the barn and I sit in the rapidly dimming light, thinking. I'm running out of time, and I knew it couldn't last forever, but how do I do it? How do I tell the first man I've ever had feelings for that I’m interested in him?