CLARE
I should’ve known Sally would be over regularly to visit the puppy. A month after Dale and I decided there wouldn’t be repeat performances of our time together, I sat in my garden, missing said performances, while I watched Sally trying to teach my pup how to sit on command.
Granted, it didn’t work, no matter how often Sally demonstrated how to sit, but it was adorable to watch.
My stomach bug had left me exhausted for a week, then went away. Dale’s suggestion that I drink ginger ale had practically saved me during that week. Even now, I stuck to drinking it, although my issues were long gone. I did get the occasional queasy feeling, but it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. My mother had dealt with an upset stomach for various reasons, and it never worried me when I did, too.
God, I missed my mom on days like today when I was weepy for no reason. I knew Aunt Flo was coming to visit me soon. I always got overemotional during my period. I definitely needed a shoulder to cry on then, and I didn’t have that.
“Lacrosse, if I say ‘sit’, you need to put your cute butt down.”
I smothered a laugh at Sally’s words, recognizing her father in her tone. “I guess someone can’t sit still when her daddy tells her to, huh?” I asked.
“She sure doesn’t.” I glanced over my shoulder to see Dale coming around the house. “Hasn’t been able to since she’d started to walk. Hey, Clare.” I swallowed down my body’s initial reaction to him—pure and unadulterated lust.
I had no idea what that man did to me, but even though part of me hated him for having broken our “relationship” off, he always made me immediately wet and needy.
Almost like he conditioned me to want his dick as soon as he was within reach.
“Dale.”
I didn’t know what he wanted or why he was here, but if I were being honest with myself, I just wanted him to leave again.
“How are you feeling?” he asked. I glanced up at him, mad at myself for wanting to, for wanting to see him when he was not angry or filled with regret.
“I’m peachy. You?” I didn’t want to make small talk because I hated it. I certainly didn’t want him to sit on the porch steps with me, watching his daughter, which he did anyway. She’d barely glanced up at his appearance and I wasn’t the least bit surprised. Lacrosse tended to occupy all attention, and it didn’t even matter how old someone was.
“When I started at the moving company, I never thought I could hate other people’s shit that much.” He had whispered “shit”, making sure Sally didn’t hear it, and I nearly grinned. It was kind of endearing.
“Anything else you’d like to do instead?” Why was I making conversation? Why did I bother?
“I always wanted to restore old homes to their former beauty but never learned it. After Jacky died, I just…” He waved his hand through the air. “You know what? It doesn’t matter.”
He focused on his daughter while I rested my crossed arms on my knees, watching him out of the corner of my eye.
It mattered to me. He put his whole life on hold for Sally. I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t seen it before. It really was no wonder his mother tried to get him to date, wanting him to be happy.
“Did you ever regret putting Sally first?” My voice was quiet, and his honey-colored eyes swung back to me.
“Not once. Sally’s my life. I love being a dad, I truly do, but sometimes—”
“Daddy, can Lacrosse sleep at our place today? Please?”
I blinked, surprised at Sally’s request, and Dale didn’t seem to fare much better.
He reached for his daughter, who evaded his grasp, as if she knew he was going to turn her down. “That’s not your decision to make, or mine. Lacrosse is Clare’s puppy and you didn’t even ask her if it was okay.”
A stubborn pout crossed Sally’s lips. “But—”
“Look, Sal,” I interrupted. “Lacrosse’s home is with me. You can visit her as often as you want, but she needs to watch over me at night, okay? I’m scared being alone in my house. That’s why I got her.”
Sally shrugged. “You can have Daddy, and Lacrosse can cuddle in bed with me.”
“We said no, Sally. That’s the end of it,” Dale said decidedly. Sally stomped her foot once, then marched off, my puppy trailing behind her to the end of the yard.
We could still see her, but couldn’t hear whatever she was telling the dog.
“What was I saying about not regretting it?” Dale joked. Smiling, I rested my cheek on my arms, still keeping my eyes on his face.
He turned a little, leaning back against the railing behind him. “You know, I like when you’re relaxed. It makes you look…less mean.” He winked, taking the sting out of his words.
I shrugged. “You know, I like when you’re relaxed. It makes you look like only a little bit of an asshole.” My words also lacked the heat they usually contained. “You should do it, Dale.”
He cocked his head, making me want to reach out. I shouldn’t be feeling for Dale what I was feeling for him. It didn’t matter that he was an asshole most of the time. It didn’t even matter that I thought he was still hung up on his wife…and how could he not be? In the end, all that mattered was that I couldn’t risk losing my heart to someone who wasn’t ready to accept it.
“Should do what?”
I reached out, brushing some tiny stones from his jeans. He’d obviously been kneeling at some point during the day. I just wanted an excuse to touch him.
“Start restoring things, if that’s what you want.”
He caught my hand and held onto it, absentmindedly playing with my fingers. “I can’t, and honestly, I don’t even really want to do it anymore.” He shrugged it off, but I saw the lie on his face, the way his lips pulled into a tight line. “I’d need a bigger house, even if I just started doing it for a hobby. You know, one with a barn, maybe a garage, and since Sally’s in school here and has her friends here, it would have to be in the area. Plus… I’d worry about her all the time.”
I arched a brow. “She won’t be six forever, Dale. You won’t have to supervise her every damn day for the rest of her life. Trust me. You need to think of yourself, too, and…”
I bit my lip because I was giving him advice as if we were friends. It was only then I realized he was still holding my hand in his. I pulled free, standing. “You know, I just remembered, I still need to do some…things. I’m gonna get Lacrosse to go with me, so…”
He stood, too. Because I’d stepped up to the top step and he was a step below me, we were almost eye to eye. I held his gaze as he leaned in. “I miss kissing you,” he whispered, surprising me.
I shrugged. “I miss feeling you inside me, but we both knew it was a stupid idea to begin with, so let’s just be glad we realized it before we caught something bad. Something like…feelings.” I watched his reaction, but he didn’t even flinch. Clearly, he didn’t have any or he might have been slightly insulted. “Anyway, I’ll see you around, Dale.”
I turned toward the door. I prayed to God we’d never get to talking like this again. Not screaming or insulting each other, but being serious?
Jesus, too much.
“Hey, Clare… I wanted to ask you something else.”
I didn’t turn back to him because I had enough of Dale for the day. All I wanted to do was hug him and cuddle against him, and that was the last thing he probably wanted.
“Yes?”
“Would you watch Sally next week? Maybe Friday or Saturday? I’d love to grab a few beers with friends, and mom said you offered…”
Offered? Right. That’s what I’d done. Offered.
“Sure, Dale. Just drop her off. I don’t have plans either day, and at least Sally is fun company.”
My life was officially pathetic.
I didn’t feel like going out, and I knew nothing would change over the next several weeks. I didn’t know what it was that made me want to be even more of a hermit than usual, but I wasn’t going to ignore the urge.
Besides, with Sally around, I could have a few precious hours to pretend that my life could be different—and I could be the mom to a smart, adorable little girl.