August 21, 1993

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“No! No! Please! It’s not supposed to be this way! I can’t do this by myself!” Jenny sobbed and wailed. A small voice inside her said she was making everything worse, but the rest of her didn’t care. This hurt, and she was alone, and Maverick was supposed to be here. She was supposed to have a good life ready for her little girl, not this...this hopeless, homeless emptiness.

The contraction let her go, and she settled into quiet sobs, trying to roll onto her side so she could hug the pillow and bury her face. She could only make it about halfway.

The nurse—it was a different one now, another stranger who’d no doubt have her whole hand up inside her any minute—was talking to somebody at the door.

Jenny didn’t care. About anything. She closed her eyes and tried to go away.

A cool hand brushed over her head. “Jenny? Can you open your eyes for me?”

More sobs happened, and tears leaked from her sealed lids. The room spun like she was drunk.

“Jenny, Jenny. Shhh. Can you take a deep breath for me?”

Jenny didn’t even try.

“Oh, honey. Let’s talk. I want to try to help you. Dr. Ingersoll wants to give you a sedative, but things are pretty far along here, and baby’s gonna get sleepy, too. That can make everything take longer and go harder. If you can’t get calm, we need to do that, but first I thought I’d see if I can help.”

The nurse’s voice was gentle and soothing, and Jenny calmed down enough to take a deeper breath. She opened her eyes. A young nurse with short blonde hair smiled down at her. “Hi. I’m Willa. Debbie asked me to try to help you. Can you tell me what’s got you so scared? What exactly is the scariest part?”

She heaved in a stuttering, painful breath. “It’s...it’s...not supposed to be...like this.”

“Like what, honey? Is it something I can help you fix?”

“No!” A fresh crying jag hit her at the same time that a new contraction took her over, and she screamed, “I can’t do it! I can’t do it! I can’t do it!” until the pain was too much and she could only grunt.

It one was the worst yet, and when it was over, she was too spent to cry.

The nurse—what was her name?—put down the side rail on the bed and got in next to her, sliding her arm under Jenny’s back. That was strange and unexpected, and Jenny tried to draw away, but the nurse simply held her.

“The next contraction, I’m going to help you curl up, and you’re going to grab me just as hard as you can, okay? Put all your tension from your whole body in your hands, and let everything else stay soft. Don’t worry about hurting me. I’m from West Texas. We’re tough stock.”

Jenny heard the nurse, but it was impossible to focus on anything but the turmoil inside her, in her head and in her body. “I’m not supposed to be alone.”

“Is there somebody we should be calling for you, honey? I know your dad’s upstairs. A friend, maybe? The father?”

Weeping with renewed vigor, Jenny shook her head and buried it against the nurse’s shoulder. “I’m alone. I’m not supposed to be alone. I can’t be a mom all by myself. I don’t know what to do!”

Another contraction hit, and without thinking, Jenny did what the nurse wanted. She grabbed on, digging her hands into this stranger’s body, and the nurse helped her curl up. The pain was exquisite—each one was worse than the one before—but the horrible pressure came off her back a little, and there was focus in her hands that pulled her mind up out of the some of the pain.

When it was over, she sighed. “What’s your name?”

“Willa. You did good, honey.” Willa reached over and hit the nurse call button.

A male voice came from the speaker. “Can I help you?”

“Otto, it’s Willa. I need an assist in here to do a check.”

“You got it. I’ll send Janet.”

“Thank you!”

Jenny knew what ‘check’ meant. “Already? It hurts!”

“I know, but these are good contractions. I think they’re getting you closer. So let’s see how close.”

“It’s not supposed to be this way.” This time the words came out as nothing but a whisper.

Willa brushed her wet hair back from her face. “I’m sorry this is so hard for you, honey. I wish I knew more so I could try to help.” She hesitated, then added, “If you want, I can have an adoption counselor come visit you after—”

“No! I want her! I need her!” The thought of losing the baby, too, made the tears and breathless fear come back. They hadn’t decided on names yet when everything went to hell, but Jenny was going to name her Kelsey. Kelsey Marie. “I need her! But I don’t know how!”

“Okay.” Willa gave her a reassuring squeeze. “We’re going to take things one at a time. You want your baby, and she’s about to be here with you. That’s a good thing, right?”

Jenny nodded.

“So let’s get that to happen the right way, and we won’t worry about anything any further ahead until that job is done. Then, you and me, we’ll take on the next thing. And the next. You’re not alone, Jenny. I know I’m not who you want to be with, but I’m here, and I’m going to stay with you. Right here. Okay?”

The door opened, and another nurse came in. The only person she had right now in the whole world was Willa, whom she’d met only minutes before. But she held onto her for dear life.

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~oOo~

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“Would you like me to take her to the nursery so you can get some rest?”

Jenny lifted her eyes from her daughter’s perfect face. “I want her here, with me. Is that okay?”

Willa smiled. “Sure. I’ll bring in some extra supplies. You should sleep now, while she is. You just worked hard, and your body needs a breather.” She picked up the pink card Jenny had already filled out. “Kelsey Marie. That’s lovely. We have a Polaroid camera at the nurses’ desk. I’ll bring it in later so you can have a picture of this day.”

“Thank you.” She felt better now, more like herself. Still scared—she’d spent the past month scared out of her mind every single second—but holding her little girl, finally having her in her arms, was too big, too astounding to be anything but wonderful.

About to slide the pink card into the holder at the back of the nursery bassinette, Willa paused. “Are you finished filling this out?”

Jenny had left one line blank. Maverick wasn’t a father. A father wouldn’t have done something to risk leaving his family behind. Not even her own father had done that. She nodded, and Willa slid the card into its place without further comment.

“I’m getting evicted on the first of the month. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

Willa came up to her side and smiled down at Kelsey. Jenny did, too. She was so pretty, with wispy curls already. Both she and Maverick had dark hair, but Kelsey’s was fair, like Jenny’s mother’s had been.

“Okay, that sounds like the next thing. You get some rest, and I will make some calls and get somebody up here who can help you find a place to go.”

She had a place to go, she supposed. The thought horrified her; she’d only been free of it for less than two years. “I have a place. I can go to my dad’s house. I just...I don’t know how to get my stuff there.” Her stuff and Maverick’s. The remnants of the life he’d ruined. “I don’t have a job or a home or even a friend. I have my dad, who’s a vegetable now, and I have her. This isn’t how it was supposed to go. He promised me he’d take care of us and she’d have a good family, and now all she has is me, and I’m nothing.”

Willa put her hand on her shoulder. “Hey. You are not nothing. You’re a good role model for your girl. These hours we’ve been together, I’ve seen a woman who was terrified and fought anyway. That’s strength. You delivered a baby without drugs, Jenny. That’s something you can brag about for the rest of your life. If you want, you can be all sanctimonious when mommies are swapping their stories and say, ‘Me, I had a natural childbirth.’ They’ll all think you’re a superhero.”

“I only fought because you made me. I only had to do it without drugs because I was too scared to come to the hospital until it was too late for drugs.”

There was no other way to think about what had happened when the contractions had started: she’d had a breakdown. Alone in the apartment she’d shared with Maverick, she’d been trying to pack up the life he’d destroyed, panicking about the fact that she had nowhere to go but the house she’d grown up in, that she would have to bring her baby into that house, when she’d realized that the contractions were the real thing. She’d totally lost it and spent she didn’t know how long lying on the floor, screaming NO NO NO through them all, until a neighbor had burst into the apartment and gotten her to the hospital.

“I told you when I came in—you could have had drugs. Doctor was ready to sedate you. But you protected your baby, and you toughed it out. I think this is a lucky little girl.”

She wasn’t; neither of them was lucky. But Jenny offered Willa a smile anyway. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Now, get some rest. I’ll make some calls and see if I can find you some help to move.”

Willa had been with her through the last part of her labor, the long, terrible time of pushing and delivery, and the recovery. “Your shift has to be over soon.”

“My shift was over before we met, honey. I’ve been here with you because I want to be.”