CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
OLIVIA WAS SURPRISED she got as much isolation as she did, but even so, when there was a knock on her door early the next morning, she felt jolted and cranky and not at all ready to deal with anyone.
She scowled and looked at her phone, and saw a raft of text messages from her mother.
The last one said: Olivia, I’m coming over.
For a moment, she froze, debating whether or not she should let her mother see what a freaking disaster she was. She wasn’t the kind of person to let all that hang out. She kept it contained. She didn’t want to worry her parents, after all. But... Well, her mom had come by without waiting for the okay, and Olivia just didn’t have the energy to pretend to be okay. Not now.
She sighed heavily and shuffled to the door. She was still wearing her pajamas, and she knew she looked like a small disaster. She had to be at work in a couple of hours, and while she knew Lindy would be somewhat sympathetic to her breakup situation, she also knew that her boss would need her for a shift, broken heart or not.
She frowned. She had been brokenhearted a lot lately. The first time, though, it had been largely performative. Designed to convince both herself and the man who she felt had broken her heart that her love had indeed been true.
She’d been so, so wrong. And had somehow walked herself into a much bigger heartbreak while trying to patch up the old one.
It was funny now, in hindsight.
Or would have been had anything been funny at all to her right now.
Nothing was funny. And it never would be again. Because she was heartbroken. Really and truly heartbroken.
She jerked open the door and saw her mother standing there, looking concerned and soft. Not angry like she should have been, since she’d no doubt heard about the incident with Luke at the Saloon.
Olivia couldn’t stand it. She burst into tears.
“Mom,” she said, her voice wobbling.
“Olivia?” Tamara Logan stepped inside and pulled Olivia into a hug, holding on to her tightly while Olivia wept plaintively into her shoulder.
She put her arm around Olivia’s shoulder and walked her into the living room. “Sit down, sweetheart.”
Olivia complied, taking a seat on the couch and pulling a blanket over her lap. Her mother went into the kitchen, and Olivia heard the sound of running water. She assumed her mother was putting some tea on. Because that was her mother’s solution to all bad feelings. A warm drink.
Olivia felt that as solutions went it was a pretty good one. It wouldn’t do anything to fix the broken heart, of course, but it was still better than nothing. Brokenhearted without a warm drink was decidedly worse than a broken heart with one.
“Talk to me,” her mother said, coming into the room, her expression one full of concern.
“I...”
“Olivia,” her mother said, crossing her arms and looking stern. “You haven’t gotten involved in... There’s nothing going on with drugs?”
Olivia sat bolt upright. “Mother,” she said, “I am twenty-five years old. If I was going to have a drug-addled rebellion I probably would have done it before now, don’t you think?”
“But you’ve been acting out of character,” her mom said.
“Have I? Maybe I’ve been acting in character. Maybe I’ve spent the past nine years playing a part.” That realization washed over her, strongly, intensely. As she sat here in her house, feeling miserable, it all hit her fully. That she had been playacting since she was a teenager. Trying to do her best to make sure that she played the part of dutiful daughter. To keep herself safe—yes—because she and Vanessa were identical, so how easy would it be for her to slip down the same road as her sister had done? But more than that, because it had always felt like she had to stay in line or upset her parents.
They had constantly been on the lookout for slipping grades, for her being ten minutes late coming home, and she had taken all of that and done her very best to comply with the letter of their law. To use it as a guideline to keep herself safe, and to earn their approval.
Once Vanessa was gone, once she had been sent away to school, it was how she had gotten her attention. And it was how she had felt... Validated. But it wasn’t her.
Luke hadn’t needed any of that. That man who had seemed like he didn’t like her half the time. Luke knew that she was crazy, that she was difficult and that she wasn’t half as good as she pretended to be. And Luke had been with her anyway. But then, he had left her. So maybe that was the end result of Olivia being herself.
But she knew that she couldn’t go back, either.
Not with him, not with her mother, not ever.
“Does this have anything to do with Luke Hollister carrying you out of the Gold Valley Saloon last night?”
Olivia sighed. “I guess there’s gossip?”
“Yes,” her mom said, “and, it’s a concerning thing to hear, that a man physically removed your daughter from a bar.”
“I went willingly.”
“I realize that,” her mom said. “Don’t think for one second your father wouldn’t have beaten down Luke’s door if that weren’t the case. He was the one that stopped me from coming over here last night. He says you’re a grown woman.”
“He is correct,” Olivia said, her tone brittle.
“But, I have every right to worry about you.”
Olivia pressed her hand to her forehead, leaning over. “Of course you do. Of course you do, because you’re my mother. Because Vanessa is off doing God knows what, God knows where. And we all worry. But I’m not her.”
“I know that,” her mom said.
“I don’t know if you do. I’m not sure that I do. I’m not her. I’m not in danger of becoming her. But I’ve been... All of my life... I was never as funny as she was. Never as popular. And the older we got the more distant she became. I couldn’t get her attention, I couldn’t get your attention. Then she started getting into all of that trouble, and I just kept... I kept being good. But you were so hard on me. Anytime I stepped out of line even just a little bit I got grounded.”
Her mother sat down. “Olivia,” she said, “we didn’t mean to have a double standard, but we had already lost touch with Vanessa at that point. Grounding wasn’t going to work. She used to sneak out. There was no keeping her in her room, and we already knew it. Anytime something small happened with you we probably overreacted because we didn’t want to lose you, too.”
“I know,” Olivia said, her voice breaking. “I know. I never wanted you to worry about me. I took that seriously. But it just... It took on a life of its own. And suddenly, I’m in this life that I don’t even want. I almost married Bennett Dodge because it seemed like the best thing to do. It seemed like the ultimate trophy for my good behavior. The thing that I could do to make you proud of me.”
She felt so small and petty saying those words. Like a silly girl. Admitting she was trying to earn her parents’ approval with her actions. Admitting that she had been trying to earn their attention, their good favor. And yes, part of it was that she hadn’t wanted them to worry. But some of it was definitely that she had just wanted that unconditional love. Had wanted to be assured of it. Had wanted to make sure she had clinched it.
“Olivia,” her mother said, the word coming out breathless. “I don’t want you marrying somebody that you don’t love because you think it’s going to make us approve of you. I’ve always approved of you.”
“Yes, because I’ve always done what you wanted me to do. Because I’ve never rebelled. Because I’ve never done anything wrong. But still, you come in here and I look like a mess and the first thing you do is ask me if I’m taking drugs.”
“I’m sorry,” her mom said. “I worry. I worry because I parented you and Vanessa the same for the first fifteen years of your lives. You were identical. Identical in every way. The same dresses, the same faces. And somehow, she went completely off the path that we hoped she would stay on. Somehow, we lost touch with her completely. And after that, I think I was too hard on you, but I was afraid. I didn’t know what I had done to make Vanessa act out that way. And I just... Doubled down with you because it wasn’t too late. Because I could still reach you. And I know that I hover. I know that sometimes I’m overbearing with you even now, but it’s just because I want to... Olivia, I don’t want you to stop loving me.”
Olivia felt like she had been hit with a brick. “Mom, I’m never going to stop loving you.”
“I don’t want to lose our relationship. I watched one daughter turn into a stranger and for the life of me I don’t know why it happened. And I feel like I made a lot of mistakes with you in my desperation. In my fear.”
All of the breath rushed out of Olivia’s body. “I’ve been... Trying to make sure that I didn’t lose my relationship with you and Dad. I’ve been trying so hard. And I’m... I wasn’t happy. I didn’t realize it. But I was too afraid to do anything to change it.”
“I’m so sorry,” Tamara said, reaching out and squeezing Olivia’s hand. “I had no idea you felt that way.”
“I didn’t, either,” Olivia said. “I had settled into it. That life. That person. And then... I asked Luke if he would help me make Bennett jealous,” Olivia said, her cheeks turning hot. “He agreed. But... Things with Luke got complicated quickly. And it ended up not being a game anymore. And it had nothing to do with Bennett. I love him. I love him, and he doesn’t love me back. And I feel like I might die. So, yes. I’m a mess. I’m an absolute mess. I decided that I was going to have a sex-only relationship with a hot-looking man because I was sick of being good. And this is where it got me. And I’m sure that you’re disgusted with me now, and I’ve made the entire town gossip about me and you think I’m a drug addict. So... I guess this is the worst-case scenario.” Olivia let out a long, slow breath and melted beneath the blanket. “I’m officially the cautionary tale I tried never to be. And I don’t even care. Because I’m heartbroken and that’s the worst part. I can’t even care about gossip. I can’t even really care that much if you’re disappointed in me. I have too much to worry about. My own feelings. If that’s selfish... But I guess for a little while I’m going to feel selfish.”
She looked back at her mom, challenging her to get angry with her. To storm out. To say that she didn’t love her. Something.
“I see,” her mom said, instead of any of that.
“I had sex with him,” Olivia restated. “A physical-only fling. And yes, I did fall in love with him. But I didn’t mean to.” She sniffed. “I was irresponsible.”
“Did you want me to yell at you?” Tamara asked.
“Not particularly,” Olivia responded, sheepish.
“It seems to me that your consequences are doing all the punishing for you. If I got angry at you it would just be rubbing it in.”
“I’m not perfect.” Olivia looked up at the ceiling. “I never could be.”
“You don’t have to be,” her mom said. “Olivia, I love you, perfect or not. I wanted to protect you. I wanted to keep you safe. Of course I’m not happy that you’re heartbroken, I hurt for you. But I’m not going to scold you. I’m not going to disown you just because there’s a small situation with gossip in town. I might advise you to not let men carry you out of bars in the future.”
“I doubt that’s going to happen again anytime soon,” Olivia said, feeling miserable.
“What do you want?” her mom asked. “From me. What can I do to make things better between us.”
Olivia blinked. “I don’t... I don’t know. It’s all... It’s me. It’s me being afraid. Afraid that if I don’t end up with the life you and Dad have, you’ll think that I’m a failure. You will be disappointed in me. And that I’ll have caused you more pain, when Vanessa already did. And then I’ll have lost you, too. I could never be the sister that she wanted me to be. I could never be fun and carefree. I lost her already. And if I lose you and Dad...”
Her mother leaned off the chair and pulled Olivia in for a hug. “I think that’s what we were both afraid of, too. That we would lose you. That if we weren’t strict with you, if we weren’t hard on you, we might lose you the way that we did Vanessa. But that’s not fair, Olivia. You never did anything to earn that. It was just us being afraid.”
That word washed over her, and it felt important. Like the key to something. The key to everything. “Yes,” Olivia agreed. “I’ve been afraid of so many things for so long. For good reason. Because, I mean, here I am heartbroken because I opened myself up to Luke, and he rejected me.” She sighed. “But I can’t go back. I can’t shove all of this down again. I can’t go back to how things were.”
“Olivia, from the moment you were born, you and Vanessa, you were the two most precious things in my world. I love Vanessa, even now. I feel like I haven’t done a good job of making sure you know that, because again... I was afraid that if I seemed too accepting of her behavior you might follow suit. The same as I was afraid if I didn’t monitor your behavior all the time you might get involved in the same kinds of things. But I love her. Unconditionally. And I love you, too. Don’t you know that?
“No,” her mom said, “I mean, do you really know that? Whether you’re with Bennett, or with Luke, or all by yourself. Whether you’re well behaved or gossip fodder, do you know that I love you?”
Olivia’s heart twisted. “I feel like...like I know I need to change, but I’m not sure that I really want to. I did something bold for the first time and got hurt. And I don’t know what’s going to happen next. I don’t know if this was the wrong choice. If I made a mistake getting involved with him, or loving him. But I wouldn’t take it back. I don’t know what I want now. I don’t know what’s going to happen and that...terrifies me.”
“Whatever happens,” her mom said, slowly. “You’re my daughter. I love you. I want you to be happy. That’s all. I would like it if that were here near me. I would like it if your happiness and your path to it didn’t scare me. But if it did, I would cope with it, Olivia. You don’t belong to me. You belong to yourself. And whatever you choose to do...I support you. And I’m proud of you.”
Olivia’s eyes felt scratchy, and her heart—that broken, bruised little heart—felt like it might have started to get put back together. “I believe you,” Olivia said. “I’m sorry. For just... Not talking to you. All of this Vanessa stuff... We should’ve talked about it sooner. We were too careful not to make each other cry.”
“Well, let’s not be in the future,” she said.
Olivia nodded. “Okay.”
“Now,” her mom said, getting up. “I’m going to check on your tea.”
“Thank you,” Olivia said.
“And I saw cinnamon rolls in there.”
Olivia was about to refuse them. Because in light of everything, she didn’t think she could eat cinnamon rolls. They would only make her think of Luke. Of Luke and his encouragement for her to indulge herself. And then she thought... Why not? She might not be able to have Luke at the end of all this, but she wouldn’t be the same person either way. She couldn’t go back now. She had uncovered too many things about herself that she’d had buried before. She expected more. She wanted more.
She wasn’t going to live for other people’s happiness. Not anymore. It was so strange to have sat here with her mom and finally had an honest conversation. To discover they had both been scared of losing each other. That they were clinging so tightly it had been suffocating.
But she was done with that.
She wanted a cinnamon roll.
“Let’s have some.”