Chapter Seventeen
Kayla sat in Dinah and Carter’s kitchen and stared at the cupcake Dinah had shoved in front of her. She’d spent most of last night crying, and then she’d spent her morning finishing up her temp job and worrying about Liam and his father.
She hated that she was worried about the jerk, but she was. Couldn’t help it. If anything went wrong in that surgery, Liam would somehow find a way to blame himself. And that was stupid and obnoxious and he should know better.
But she wanted to be the one to teach him, even when she was so damn mad at him she’d imagined herself punching him in the balls more than once.
“Eat it,” Dinah demanded, swiveling the plate with the cupcake back and forth. “It’ll do a broken heart good.”
“Aren’t you supposed to go back to work? Grandmother will not be happy with you taking an extra-long lunch break.”
“Grandmother can bite me.”
Kayla looked dolefully at her cousin.
“Okay, Grandmother can maybe not bite me, but she will deal. I have plenty of personal time to take. You need a cupcake and a shoulder to cry on.”
“I need a boyfriend who isn’t an asshole.”
“Oh, those don’t exist,” Dinah replied decidedly, sticking her finger in the frosting on the cupcake and taking a little bite to her mouth.
“You love Carter,” Kayla pointed out, taking her own little finger scoop of frosting.
“Yes, I do. Immeasurably. I’d do anything for him, and sometimes I love him so much it physically hurts. And sometimes he’s an asshole and I want to punch him in the junk.” Dinah shrugged. “Likely, he feels the same about me. I’ve come to the conclusion that that’s just love.”
Kayla couldn’t manage a smile, though she knew she should try. “I’m really not hungry, Dinah.”
“But it’s chocolate.”
Kayla did manage a smile at that. “You don’t think I should apologize? Maybe . . . Maybe I overreacted. His dad is having surgery today. I was too hard on him.”
“Do you really think that?”
Kayla heaved out a breath and rested her chin on her arms. “No.”
“Then there’s your answer.”
“But if I’m right, why am I miserable?”
“Oh, honey.” Dinah reached across the table and squeezed her arm. “I don’t know that anything in life that’s right is ever easy. Especially when you add in love and other people. It’s kind of a recipe for misery.”
“That’s—” Her phone rang and she nearly jumped. She scrambled for it, and she’d be embarrassed by doing so in front of Dinah later.
But it wasn’t Liam. It was the phone call she’d been waiting for from the orchard she’d interviewed at, and she should be excited rather than disappointed.
Still, when she answered she couldn’t seem to muster nerves or excitement or anything other than an Eeyore depression. “Hello?”
“Good morning, is this Ms. Gallagher?”
“Yes.”
“Wonderful. This is Sheila from Tiffer’s Farm & Orchard. I’m going to be kind of blunt because I know how stressful it is waiting for an answer on a job. Unfortunately we decided to go another way with the position you applied for.”
“Oh.” It was disappointing. If she hadn’t spent all night crying over Liam, she might have even cried, but all she managed to feel was kind of numb.
“But we did want to offer you an alternate position.”
“Alternate . . . position?”
“We really liked you a lot for the position, but another applicant had way more experience. However, we have three locations and if you’d be interested and willing, there is a lower-level position at our New Benton location. It’d give you the kind of experience we’d be looking for the next time a position opened up.”
“O-oh.” Kayla took a deep breath and willed herself to focus. This was her life. Her real life, and yes it sucked that Liam wasn’t going to be a part of it, but that didn’t change the reality of her future. It was still going to be there. She still had to build it.
“Let me tell you a little bit about the responsibilities, and then if you need some time to decide, we can give you a few days.”
So Kayla listened to the description of the job. It did feel a little bit like a demotion from her position at Gallagher’s, but it would also be a position she got all on her own. The location was farther away than the one she’d applied at, but she could move.
She could do anything. It was her life to build. Part of her wanted to decline and to go home and hide in her bed. Pine over Liam. Pine over leaving Gallagher’s.
But she had changed these past few months, and when she and Liam had told each other their I-love-yous, she’d said that he’d been a part of her change. She’d needed him to make that next step, and even if she didn’t have him for this next, next step, it would be stupid to regress just because he wasn’t here.
He certainly wouldn’t go cry in his house every night because things hadn’t gone according to plan. No, he was somewhere out there determined to fix everything.
“If you need time to consider—”
“No, I’d love to take the job. It sounds perfect.”
“Wonderful. I’m going to pass all your contact information to Jess over at the New Benton location, and she will get in touch about start dates and training, if that sounds good.”
“Yes, thank you. Really. I’m very excited to start.”
“Welcome to Tiffer’s, Ms. Gallagher. I think you’ll be an excellent addition to our team.”
“Th-thank you. Goodbye.”
Kayla clicked and stared at her phone until Dinah grabbed her and gave her a little shake.
“You got the job!”
Kayla looked up at her cousin, who was grinning widely. “Well, not the job, but a job. A good start.”
“That’s awesome, Kay.” Dinah didn’t let go of her arm. Instead, she rubbed a palm up and down it, a reassuring gesture. “A good start is exactly what you need.”
Kayla agreed. It was absolutely what she needed, but she couldn’t seem to help it. She just burst into tears.
* * *
Liam sat in the waiting room at the hospital breathing slowly and carefully. He wanted to fidget and pace, but Mom was doing enough of that for both of them. And considering the way Grandma was glaring at her, Liam didn’t think he needed to add to it.
Aiden was missing, and Liam knew that was half of Mom’s worry. Liam was counting down the minutes before Mom asked him to go on a search.
Something that sounded far too much like Kayla’s voice in his head whispered about how unfair that request would be.
Which was fucking stupid since Mom had asked nothing of him today. Why was he already trying to defend himself against it?
He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, raking his fingers through his hair, trying to just breathe. It was all he could do. He had no control over what was happening with Dad. No control over where Aiden was. He couldn’t do anything.
He couldn’t fix anything. And that made his throat close up so tight he couldn’t breathe. Mom stopped pacing and took the seat next to him, sliding her hand across his back in a comforting gesture.
It helped his throat open up, helped him manage a breath. That’s what family did. Reached out and comforted each other.
“You did it, right?”
The jolt of hurt hit fast and unexpected, like missing a nail head and smashing your finger with a hammer. You should have been paying more attention. You should have seen it coming.
But there you were, smashed, painful thumb throbbing and all you could do was accept this as your reality.
He clenched his jaw, too many feelings fighting for prominence so he simply nodded sharply. Yes, he had done exactly what Mom had asked, more thoroughly than she could even imagine.
Mom leaned her head on his shoulder, wrapping her hands around his arm and giving it a little squeeze. “Thank you,” she whispered. “It’s going to make a difference. I just know it.”
And yet, Aiden wasn’t here. Dad was in surgery. What difference was he making?
He was helping Mom. That mattered, and it wasn’t some attempt to earn her affection. He had it. It was right here.
“Aiden!” Mom hopped up and ran over to where Aiden stepped into the waiting room. She flung her arms around him and simply stood there, saying something Liam couldn’t hear.
Probably for the best.
“What did you do?”
Liam blinked over at his grandmother. “Huh?”
“The thing your mother asked you, what was it?”
He shrugged ineffectively. Grandma and Mom had always had a kind of tense relationship. Not antagonistic, but certainly not close. Definitely a lot of veiled disapproval from both. “It doesn’t matter. Just a favor for Aiden.”
Grandma rolled her eyes. “Oh, for heaven’s sake.”
Liam didn’t say anything to that and he didn’t try to read into it. He’d had his fill of people telling him what they thought of his favors. He looked down at his hands as his grandmother grumbled something about it not being her place.
Then she slapped him across the shoulder.
“What was that for?”
“For sitting there looking all wounded and ruining my Zen.”
Christ. He couldn’t catch a break. “I’m sorr—”
“Don’t be sorry, Liam Connor Patrick. I told myself I’d stay out of it when your father asked me to, but I am done. My son is in surgery and I will darn well speak my mind. It isn’t right, and you’re all old enough to know better.”
“Grandma,” Liam said, forcing his voice to be even and soothing as he glanced to make sure Mom hadn’t heard her slap or outburst. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but we should just calm—”
“Your mother loves a cause. Aiden’s always been her cause.” Grandma jerked her chin in Mom and Aiden’s direction. “Liam, you have always been the martyr for her cause. And none of you see it. Not one of you. Not even your father. He told me to stop butting my nose in where it didn’t belong, so I did, but I’m fed up.”
“I’m not a martyr.”
“But you look miserable and you’ve done a favor for Aiden. Sacrificing yourself for him all over again and for what?”
“For my family.”
Grandma made a rude noise. “Family doesn’t force you into abject misery. Family stands with each other, not for one person. Family doesn’t punch each other down so you’re on the same level. You raise up who you can, and you pray for those you can’t. A real family knows that love is as selfish as it is selfless.”
“Grandma, that doesn’t make any sense.”
“It does to me,” she replied, her mouth sinking at the corners, the wrinkles in her face seeming deeper and harsher today. But she pushed to her feet. “I’m going to go pray . . . or get a drink,” she muttered before stalking out of the waiting room and into the hospital hallway.
Liam didn’t know what to do with all of that. Unfortunately it felt all too much like Kayla’s words last night. Too many truths that didn’t make sense when compared to what he’d always believed.
But how could it be the truth if he didn’t believe it? How could he be a martyr when he’d never given up anything for Aiden? Maybe a few days off when Aiden had worked for Dad. Sure, he’d paid Aiden’s way quite a few times. And, yes, he’d given a good chunk of his savings to help pay for Aiden to go to culinary school a few years back.
But how was that not raising Aiden up because he could? He’d had the cash, and Mom and Dad and Aiden hadn’t. At the time, Aiden had needed some training more than Liam had needed a new roof.
He wasn’t punched down. He was a good fucking brother, damn it.
Mom came and sat beside him again and Liam scanned the room, frowning. “Where’d Aiden go?”
“He was going to go buy everyone some soda.” Mom smiled and patted Liam’s knee. “I told him about you and Kayla. He didn’t say anything, but we’ll work on him some more once your father’s out of surgery.”
He looked at his mother, so pleased with herself when they still didn’t know how Dad’s surgery had gone. He could see the worry lines on her face, and he knew that she did worry, and he almost wondered if she was fixating on Aiden because it was something she could control and Dad’s health was something she couldn’t.
Oh shit.
That wasn’t what he was doing. He hadn’t been fixated. He’d been happy with Kayla, and yes he had jumped at the chance to help . . .
Oh shit, shit, shit. He was a fucking martyr.
“What did your grandmother say to you?” Mom asked, trying to sound casual and failing.
Liam shook his head. “Nothing. Nothing new. Just the same question people have been asking me for years.” And it was true. He’d never put the pattern together before, but neither Kayla nor Grandma asking him what he was doing was some brand-new revelation.
It was harder to brush off from people he loved so much. Friends? The occasional girlfriend? It had been easy to decide they just didn’t get it—couldn’t. But Grandma was a part of this family, and Kayla had so quickly become something like his heart.
“What question?” Mom asked gently. Because that was the hard part, the part that made it so hard to end. Mom meant well. She cared. It wasn’t as though she didn’t love him or magically loved Aiden more. It was just what Grandma had said. Aiden was the project, and Mom knew what to do with projects.
She knew less what to do with him, except recruit him in those projects, and he was powerless to that.
“Why I do it. Why I’m always trying to fix things.”
“Because you’re a good man, sweetie. Why would that even be a question?”
“Because I’m not happy, Mom. I’m in love with Kayla. I’m not happy being apart—pretend or real, though it’s pretty damn real considering she didn’t love our little idea.”
“Oh, Liam. I’m sorry she didn’t understand, but you’re doing the right thing. We’ll get Aiden the help he needs now. We can make him happy and secure. I’m sure of it.”
Liam looked at his hands. Hands rough from work and giving it his all, and still . . . They’d always been here, trying to fix Aiden. No matter what it took. No matter what Liam had to give. No matter if Liam was happy or not. “Is his happiness more important than mine?” he managed to scratch out, almost afraid of the answer.
“Of course not! Honey . . . Aiden’s just . . . He isn’t as strong as you. He needs more help. If that woman didn’t understand that, if she doesn’t support you loving your brother, she isn’t the girlfriend you want. I’ve never cared for the Gallaghers.”
Liam could only stare at his mother as she most purposefully did not meet his shocked gaze. She stared at some bland-ass painting on the wall across from them.
Never cared for the Gallaghers. That woman. He had the sinking fear this was just as much about him as Aiden. As much about Mom keeping a hold on him as it was about helping Aiden get better.
His heart shied away from the thought, but it was all too plain to let his heart lead. There was too much heartbreak to let those soft parts of him lead.
“As soon as we know Dad’s all right, I’m going to go see her. I’m not going to lie or pretend. Not for Aiden. Not for you.”
“Not for your family?” Mom demanded, tears filling her eyes, her lip trembling as she studied him as though he were some stranger.
Maybe he was. Maybe he needed to be. “I have never been first in this family, and I don’t even care about that. I work hard and I give as much as I can, but I’m not going to give what isn’t fair. It isn’t fair to me, and it isn’t fair to Kayla.”
“And what about Aiden?”
“Maybe Aiden needs to learn how to help himself.”
“I don’t know what your grandmother said to you, but she is wrong and you will regret turning your back on us, Liam Patrick. Shame on her. Shame on you.” Mom said it with such vehemence, he wanted to relent. He wanted to soothe.
But it wouldn’t ever end. That was the thing. He was thirty fucking years old and this only ever escalated. This only ever ended up with him giving up more and more.
He didn’t want to give up Kayla. He never had, but seeing the situation more clearly made it even more disgusting what he’d asked of her. What he’d expected her to understand.
When she had never asked too much of him. When she had taken his burdens as her own. When she had comforted him. She had given, and she had taken, because apparently she knew how to be in a reciprocal relationship.
He didn’t. Never had, but damn, it was so much better than this. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t simple, but it gave so much more than it took.
“Liam—” Mom’s voice was shrill and Liam fought for calm and control. For his heart, and for his courage. He was not a coward, but he’d been doing an excellent impression of one.
“I won’t fight with you here,” he said quietly and evenly as other people in the waiting room began to stare at them. “I won’t fight with you now. But I hope when we get Dad home and back on his feet . . . I hope you’ll think a little bit about what you’ve asked me to do for Aiden, and what you’ve ever asked Aiden to do for himself.”
Mom stared at him as if he’d slapped her, but she said nothing else, and when they had the news that Dad had come through with flying colors, Liam knew exactly what came next.