Chapter 13
Meghan
“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” Meghan asked as soon as Brooklyn put the car in park.
“Funny, I was just about the ask you the same thing.”
Meghan looked out the front window of Brooklyn’s car at the community center that housed the meetings. You wouldn’t know by looking at it, but inside of the boring brown building were a bunch of women that had fought against a death sentence and won, even if that win ended up being temporary. The support group Carolyn suggested was specifically for ovarian cancer survivors like Meghan. Some new to the game, others old pros to the ins and outs of cancer and the havoc it could wreak on someone’s life.
The women inside were fierce, supportive and amazing people, that over the last couple weeks, Meghan had come to care about. It wasn’t lost on her that she was forming relationships with people who might not be there in a week or a year. For some reason, their mortality didn’t scare her, didn’t send her running. Not like her own had sent her running from Oliver.
“I wonder what kind of cookies we’ll have today. I hope she brings some chocolate chip, or I’ll have to go down the hall to the AA meeting to steal a couple,” Meghan said trying to break the tension in the car.
She knew Alice had spent the evening baking, so she could bring in a variety of cookies and pastries for the other women in the group. Cora, a young twenty-something barista, had most likely stopped by her work on the way in so she could pick up the good stuff instead of the sludge they served at other meetings. There would also be juice of some kind, whatever flavor Sandy was feeling that morning when she stopped at the store.
“Really? I mean, I know you’re go to is to try to find some levity in the situation but let’s be serious for a moment here Meghan. Are you sure you’re okay with going through with this meeting today? I know Carolyn thinks this is what’s best for you and I do too, but it’s not up to us. It’s up to you.”
“Thank you for being so concerned, but really, while I’m nervous as fuck about this, I’m actually feeling pretty okay about it. I don’t know if this is going to change anything, but I have to give it a shot. I don’t want to be miserable for the rest of my life, no matter how long that ends up being.”
“Telling your story is a big deal, Meghan. You’ve been coming to these meetings for weeks now, never saying a word, just listening. Are you sure you’re ready to hear what they have to say about your situation? You know they’re going to have a problem with the way you’ve handled Oliver.”
Meghan sighed. It was a huge deal to tell them about her life, her fears. They all seemed to have their lives together and she didn’t. Part of her worried they would judge her, but the other part of her knew they would be supportive, if not a bit harsh. Their tough love was exactly what she needed. Meghan knew they would be able to help her figure out what to do next. She felt like she was standing on the edge of a cliff and she had no idea where to turn. Brooklyn had been amazing and supportive, but Meghan needed to hear from people who knew what she was going through.
“I have to do this, Brooklyn. I need to take this step. I feel like it might be the key to moving on. Hearing what these women have to say might finally give me the push I need to figure out what to do with my life. I’m in limbo and the longer I stay there, the longer I keep poor Oliver there and he doesn’t deserve that. I hate that I can’t just let him go even though I feel like I should. It’s been months since he left those papers at my door and even longer since I talked to him. He deserves better than that, but I can’t give it to him yet. Hopefully, after today, I’ll be closer to doing so.”
“I get it and I am so proud of you,” Brooklyn said, her voice soft. “Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you? I’m happy to go in and sit in the back for moral support.”
Meghan smiled over at her friend, loving the fact that she was willing to sit through yet another meeting just to support her. Brooklyn had gone to the first few meetings with Meghan. Not saying a word when they asked if there was anyone new who would like to tell their story. Brooklyn never mentioned the fact that they would leave as soon as the meeting let out or that they never came early enough to mingle with the other women.
After the first few meetings, Meghan finally went to one alone. Without Brooklyn by her side, she’d become an easy target. One by one, members of the group chatted with her, taking her under their wing. They never pushed too hard to get her to tell them more than she was willing to. They just gave her their stories and told her about the group. Each meeting, they encouraged her to speak up and each meeting she chickened out.
Somehow Meghan knew it was finally time. It’s why she’d called Brooklyn and asked her to give her a ride to the community center. Meghan was nervous as hell and needed the time with her friend to sort out her feelings. At first, she’d thought she’d need Brooklyn at the meeting as well, but as they got closer to the center, she became certain she needed to do it alone. She feared having Brooklyn there would be more a hindrance than a help; that her friend would be a security blanket that kept her from feeling too much and Meghan needed to feel everything.
“I’ve got this but thank you for driving me. I needed this extra boost of confidence.”
“I’m here for you, Meghan. Anything you need, all you have to do is ask. Just call me when you’re ready to go home. I’ll come get you.”
Reaching over the console, Meghan gave her best friend a hug, a tear spilling down her cheek. Without another word, she grabbed her purse from the floor at her feet and climbed out of Brooklyn’s car. As she walked toward the community center, she took a few deep breaths, letting them out slowly, hoping they would calm her nerves. Her palms started to sweat as she walked down the hall to the room they used for their meeting. She could hear the excited chatter of her new friends. No matter how difficult life was for them, they were almost always in high spirits. She hoped one day, she could be like them, optimistic, excited about life and love.
“Meghan!” one of the women yelled as she entered the room. A few others shouted her name as well, making her smile.
“A little birdie told me you plan on speaking today,” Mia said as she draped an arm over Meghan’s shoulders.
Mia had been the first person to drag information out of her at the first meeting she’d gone to solo. Meghan had been reluctant, but Mia had been adamant that no was not an acceptable answer. Before she left that meeting, Meghan had a new number in her cell phone and a new friend on Facebook.
“It’s time.”
“Yeah, it is. I’m proud of you.”
“Thank you,” Meghan said as she looked at her friend. She could see the pride in Mia’s eyes and it made her even more certain it was time to get her life together.
“Okay everyone, take your seats. Let’s get this meeting started.”
Meghan sat next to Mia, so she could soak up her positivity and strength. As the meeting started and people talked about doctor’s appointments, chemo and other things that had gone on since their last meeting, Meghan tried not to be nervous. With each minute that passed, instead of feeling nauseous, Meghan started to feel a sense of calm. When Brenda, the group leader, asked if anyone would like to speak, Meghan raised her hand without giving it a second thought.
“Alright Meghan, go ahead.”
Taking a deep breath, Meghan stood and looked around at the group. Most of the faces she recognized, but a few new faces stared up at her waiting for her to start.
“My name is Meghan and while I’m not new here by any means, this is my first time telling my story. I won’t go totally in depth with my background, but there are a couple of things that you need to know to understand where I’m coming from,” she said before pausing to take another deep breath. “When I was three, my mom was killed in a car accident. My dad never got over losing her. Although I was really young when it happened, I knew that the man he was without her, wasn’t the same man he was with her. He tried really hard and he did a damn good job raising me on his own, but a piece of him died the day she did.
“When I was nineteen he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He was stage IV and given six months. Somehow, he was able to hold on for almost two years. I was twenty-one when he passed. Losing my father was devastating, but I had friends and my cousin to lean on, I wasn’t alone. Eventually, I fell for a guy and started a relationship with him. I was beginning to feel normal and then at twenty-five, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.”
Meghan paused, looking around at the women in the room. They all looked at her, encouragement in their eyes. Her heart stuttered as she fought back a sob. Talking about her mom and her dad was hard, but she knew the hardest part was yet to come. She’d had years to deal with the loss of her parents, she even had years dealing with her cancer. The part that was going to choke her up was talking about Oliver. She knew talking about him was going to gut her, but she couldn’t avoid it.
She told them more about her first time dealing with cancer, about catching it early. Then she moved on to the harder stuff. The abandonment that scarred her and made her not want to get too close to anyone. Having her friends and her boyfriend drop her like her cancer was contagious had been a hard blow to deal with, having her cousin bail as soon as she was through with chemo had nearly crushed her. It was easy for Meghan to decide that being alone was better than being a burden on someone else.
“Once I got the all clear, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the cancer to come back, but I wasn’t going to let it stop me from living my life. I was responsible, but I partied. I drank a lot, I slept around. I was your regular fun time girl until I met Oliver. He was just supposed to be one night of fun, but he pulled me in. We had lots of mutual friends, so we ended up in the same place a lot. We turned our one night into friends with benefits. Then he told me he wanted more even though I was clear from the get-go that I couldn’t give that to him.”
A tear slid down Meghan’s cheek, followed by another one. Mia bumped her hip with a box of Kleenex, which Meghan happily accepted. Wiping at her leaking eyes, she continued her story before she became too choked up to go on. She couldn’t make eye contact with any of them, afraid of what she’d see in their eyes. As she went on, she stared down at her hands, picking at the chipped nail polish on one of her nails.
“I tried to break things off with him, but then we went to Vegas with our friends and he cornered me. From there we got drunk and somehow ended up getting married. Neither of us realized what we’d done until he got the marriage certificate in the mail.”
She continued to tell them about Oliver talking her into dating him, the fun dates he’d taken her on and everything that had happened since then. How he had stood by her when she got the news her cancer was back. How he took care of her after her surgery. How embarrassed she was the first time they tried to have sex after she got the all clear from the doctor. How the divorce papers sat on her coffee table waiting for her to make up her mind. She told them everything as tears streamed down her face.
Her shoulders hunched over, as if to protect herself from what they might say as she told them her final truth. The reason she needed their advice, the reason she finally spoke up about her life.
“I’m not sure I can give him up, but what kind of life can I give him? I can’t give him children. I can’t guarantee how much time I can give him. I don’t want to let him love me only to lose me. I don’t want him to lose a piece of himself because he loved me. I watched my father grieve my mother and never move on. I don’t want that for Oliver. On the other hand, I’m also afraid one day he’s going to decide that dealing with this disease is too much for him and leave me behind. I don’t want to lose him and I can’t let him go. I don’t know what to do.”
As soon as she finished, she sat down and waited. She felt like a she’d lost her mind, now that she’d said her fears out loud; now that she’d admitted to herself and everyone that she hadn’t just broken up with Oliver to save him the pain of losing her, she’d broken up with him to save herself the pain of being abandoned by someone else that she loved. It had taken her a long time to realize that she wasn’t just being selfless in her decision, she was also being ridiculously selfish.
Mia patted her leg and gave Meghan a smile before she spoke. “I get why you’re so afraid Meghan. I really do. It probably doesn’t help that you’ve had people leave you high and dry in the past, but it sounds like Oliver is stronger than that boyfriend of yours from the first time around. No matter what, being left behind is something none of us can plan for, whether we’re sick or not. It doesn’t matter if they walk out or if they pass before we do or vice versa, somebody is always leaving someone behind.”
“You said your momma was killed in a car accident, right?” another woman asked.
“Yeah.”
“See that right there should tell you there is a hell of a lot of ways for someone to die. Sure, you might have a higher chance of dying than that friend of yours that you used to bring to meetings, but you could just as easily die choking on some food as you could from cancer. Oliver could move on and the next woman he falls in love with could fall down the stairs or end up hit by a car. Tomorrow is never a guarantee for anyone, you can’t let that hold you back.”
“My first husband had a heart attack a little over three years after I finished my first round of chemo. It was devastating, but it wasn’t the end of my world. It took me a while to move, but there was life after Gary,” Brenda said. “Sure, cancer gives you a closer look at death than most other people get, but it doesn’t mean it’s the end of the road. As long as you’re still alive, you should be living.”
“You can’t let death scare you away from doing what you want to do, from loving who you want to love. It can come for any of us at any time, but I’ll be damned if I let it rule my life,” Mia said. “Now let’s talk about the sex part of things. You’re young, you cannot let the changes you’re going through keep you from enjoying the best years of your life. It’s not easy, but girl….it is so worth it.”
“We all know how hard sex is after surgery. There are so many things to work through and they aren’t all just the physical aspect of it. You have to remember eventually you’ll work through it and come up with a new rhythm that works for both of you. It might not be the sex you’re used to, but it’s just as magical as what you had before,” Alice pointed out.
“Women who go through menopause naturally deal with some of the same issues you are dealing with now. Lack of sex drive, lack of lubrication, the fact that it feels different for you. It’s all normal. You’re just dealing with it sooner than most. At least you’re going through the changes with a man that loves you. Try doing it while dating…now that shit is hard,” Brenda said making the entire group giggle.
Meghan watched as many of the older women in the room nodded their heads, agreeing with Brenda’s assessment. There were more of them in the support group than there were women closer to Meghan’s age. Most women diagnosed with ovarian cancer were in their mid to late 50’s and older. Many of them were through menopause by the time they had to have surgery to remove their organs. To them, the change was minimal. To the younger women invaded by ovarian cancer, the change was everything. To hear women like Alice and Mia, women barely older than her, talk about sex after everything they’ve gone through, gave Meghan hope that it could all be normal again. That she could enjoy the hell of out sex the way she used to.
“You’re making all of these decisions for Oliver. Deciding that he’s going to resent you or he’s going to hate the changes in your body. You’ve decided that it’s better for him to lose you now, then to lose you possibly years or decades from now. Why haven’t you let him have a say in his own future?” Mia asked. “Like Alice said, tomorrow is never a guarantee, well neither are relationships. The divorce rate nowadays is ridiculous, but that doesn’t stop people from taking the risk. You can’t live the rest of your life without taking risks, Meghan. What kind of life would that be if you did? Life is already too damn short to spend what time we have left here unhappy. Do what makes your heart soar, consequences be damned.”
“There is life after cancer. Even one as aggressive as this one. I’m living proof,” Brenda said. “You can live a long life cancer-free. It’s possible. Being miserable and alone sounds like a horrible way to live. Wouldn’t you rather live life happy and in love, with someone who loves you just as fiercely by your side?”
◆◆◆
Brenda’s words had run through Meghan’s head more times than she could count since she’d left the support group meeting a week earlier. There’d been other meetings since then, but Meghan hadn’t been able to force herself to go back yet. She was still thinking about what they’d said, about what she should do. Hell, it was more like overthinking what she should do, but she couldn’t seem to just make a decision.
It wasn’t until Brooklyn had come over that morning that she’d been able to see what she really needed to do. They’d been halfway through their breakfast when Brooklyn had dropped the bomb on her that Oliver had met someone. Hearing her friend say the words out loud had nearly ripped her heart out of her chest. Nausea had taken over her body, her hands started to sweat, her breathing became sporadic. Meghan had known it was a possibility but had been avoiding it because it hurt to think about. It was her own fault, but it didn’t make it hurt any less and it sure and the hell didn’t make her panic attack any less real.
The minute Brooklyn realized Meghan was nearly hyperventilating, she told her she’d made it up. Oliver was still sitting at home miserable waiting for her to realize she was wrong about everything. Brooklyn apologized profusely, nearly in tears because she’d upset her friend. Once they were both feeling better, Meghan thanked Brooklyn and then told her what she planned to do. Even if she still wanted to throat punch her best friend, Meghan understood why Brooklyn felt the need to trick her. Hearing something she’d been avoiding for so long had finally given Meghan that last little push she needed to finally do something about Oliver.
Now, as she drove to Oliver’s house, her palms sweaty against the leather of her steering wheel, she wasn’t sure she was doing the right thing. What if Brooklyn was wrong and Oliver wasn’t sitting at home miserable? What if he wanted her to sign the papers so she could move on? What if her grand gesture was too late, and he really had met someone? Her heart sank at the thought, but she couldn’t let it deter her. She had to follow through with her plan. She had to see if they could salvage what she’d tried to ruin, the what ifs be damned.
“You can do this,” she said, hoping to pump herself up. She repeated it over and over as she pulled onto his street and parked in front of his house. She repeated it over and over as she picked up her purse and the manila envelope off of the passenger seat and got out of the car. As she walked around the car to his driveway, she repeated it in her head so she didn’t look like a crazy person.
Part way up the driveway, she heard his front door open and looked up hoping to meet his eyes as he saw her for the first time. Instead, what she saw nearly made her lose her breakfast. Standing in his doorway was Oliver, his arms wrapped around another woman. As their hug ended, he reached down and put a hand on the woman’s belly over a barely there baby bump.
Meghan struggled to hold on to the manila envelope as she hurriedly turned back toward her car. Fleeing from the scene seemed like the coward’s way out, but she wasn’t ready for a confrontation. She wasn’t ready to know who the woman was or why he was touching her stomach. All she knew was that she needed to get the hell out of there before anyone noticed her.
“Meghan. Meghan, hold on.”
Too late.
◆◆◆
Oliver
“Damn it, Meghan, wait,” Oliver yelled as he ran after her. He was relieved when she stopped mere steps from her car, her shoulders hunched over.
When he reached her, he spun her around so he could look at her, not surprised when she wouldn’t raise her head to meet his eyes. He looked her over, noting that she looked good save for the dark circles he could see beneath her eyes. Reaching out, he tipped her chin up so she had to look at him.
“It’s so good to see you,” he said breathlessly.
Oliver noticed the envelope in her hand, the same one he’d left on her doorstep months ago. For a second the fear of why she was there with that envelope coursed through him, but it didn’t matter. He didn’t care why she was there; it felt too good to be near her to care.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt,” she said so quietly, he almost couldn’t hear her.
“You weren’t interrupting. Hey Hails, come down here and meet Meghan,” he called out, noticing that Meghan flinched the minute he said the other woman’s name.
“So, you’re Meghan?” Hailey asked as she walked up to them. “I’ve heard so much about you. Oliver, you were right, she’s very beautiful.”
“Meghan, this is Hails…uh Hailey, my brother Mason’s fiancée. She stopped by to drop off something for my mom. The bump there is my newest niece or nephew.”
“Wait…you’re his brother’s fiancée…not…oh god…”
“Oh Oliver, I think she thought…”
Oliver laughed before making sure Meghan was looking at him. “In case you weren’t aware of this, Meghan, I’ve been absolutely miserable without you. My family’s been worried about me, my friends have been worried about me, but I had hope you’d come back. There has been no one since you left. I don’t want anyone else, just you.”
“That’s got to be one of the sweetest things I’ve ever heard. Now I’m going to leave you two alone. It was nice to meet you, Meghan, I hope we get a chance to get to know each other better soon.”
Oliver barely registered Hailey leaving, his eyes were only for Meghan. She looked confused, yet happy and maybe a little unsure.
“What are you doing here, Meghan?” he asked.
“I don’t know anymore,” she said and he could hear the truth in her voice.
“Let me ask you something. Do you still have feelings for me, Meghan? Is that why you were jealous of me giving Hailey a hug? Do you still love me, even though I’m your ex-husband?”
“But you’re not,” she said as she pushed the envelope into his chest. “I never signed them. I know it’s selfish of me, but I don’t want to give you up, Oliver. I can’t give you any guarantees, not about how long I’ll live or whether the cancer will come back, but I don’t want to live without you. I can’t live without you.”
“Babe, I don’t want to live without you either. I don’t care about those other things. I can’t give you guarantees on how long either of us will live. What I can guarantee is that for as long as I live, I will love you and only you. You’re it for me Meghan and I wouldn’t change a damn thing about our story.”
Tears slid down her cheeks, mimicking the ones sliding down his. As she took in his words, he could see the change roll through her as she realized they could be happy together despite the challenges they faced. She rushed into him, her arms wrapping around him as she pressed her damp cheek against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her against him even tighter. He never wanted to let her go, never wanted to be without her again.
Without a word, he picked her up and carried her into the house, the divorce papers crumbled in his hand. The minute they got inside, he set her down before he began ripping the manila envelope in half. After the first cathartic tear, he ripped the papers again and again until the only thing left were tiny pieces of paper littered at their feet.
She smiled up at him, laughing as she shook divorce paper confetti off her shoes. He looked into her eyes and knew their forever started in that moment. It didn’t matter how long their time together lasted, if cancer took her too soon or an accident took him before his time, he knew he would love this woman until the end of time and beyond. He planned on making the most of the time they had together, starting as soon as humanly possible.
◆◆◆
Meghan
“Oliver, it’s good to see you again.”
“It’s good to see you again too, sir.”
“Meghan, you’re looking a lot better these days. I’m glad you took my advice and got your shit together.”
Meghan laughed at the bluntness Dr. Lund had no problem breaking out when needed. Although she’d seen him a couple times since she started therapy and going to the support group, this was her first appointment with him since getting back together with Oliver. One simple change in her life had made all of the difference. She had a purpose again. She’d taken Mia’s advice and done what made her heart soar and that was letting herself love Oliver.
It had been a month since they’d ripped up the divorce papers, a month since she’d started really living again. From that moment on, she’d jumped right back into being the Meghan who didn’t let cancer get in her way. She went back to working full time, she moved into Oliver’s house permanently, making it their house. It was easy saying goodbye to her apartment, to the isolation she’d needed at one point in time.
“Thanks for the kind words Dr. Lund. Now can we get down to business? My husband has some big secret date planned that I’d like to get to sooner rather than later.”
Dr. Lund smiled at them, the look on his face one she hadn’t seen since her father died. He was proud of her, although she really wasn’t sure why. She hadn’t done much to be proud of, other than pull her head out of her ass, but that really wasn’t that big of an accomplishment, at least not to most people. But most people didn’t deal with cancer. Most people didn’t have to wonder if death was lurking around each vial of blood taken from their body or each scan of their organs. While most people wouldn’t be proud of Meghan’s realizations about her life, she knew the people that loved and cared about her were, and she was going to take it.
“By all means, let’s get to it then. Everything looks the same as it did last time. You’re doing great, Meghan. I think we can change things up a bit and do your blood tests every three weeks. We’ll keep the scans at once a month for now. I know how you operate, so I won’t say the word until we hit the year mark, but things are looking really good right now.”
For the first time since she’d gotten the official diagnosis, Meghan felt relief. She knew what word Dr. Lund wanted to say but wouldn’t. She wanted to scream it at the top of her lungs, but she’d keep it inside until she hit her one-year anniversary, then she’d dance around, screaming it at the top of her lungs.
“That’s fantastic news,” Oliver said, his enthusiasm filling her with warmth. “I told you I had a good feeling about today.”
She smiled over at him as he squeezed her hand. The love she saw in his eyes made her breath catch in her throat. Since the day they’d gotten back together she was continuously bowled over by the depths of his feelings for her and hers for him. She couldn’t believe she’d ever thought they’d be better off without each other. She’d been such an idiot to think that life would be easier without him in it. Her world was meaningless without Oliver. It wasn’t that she needed a man in her life, it was that she needed this man, the man she was so desperately in love with. She knew she could make it on her own if she had to, but she didn’t have to, nor did she want to.
“Now that we’ve got that news out of the way, why don’t you guys get out of here. I don’t want to keep you from whatever Oliver’s got planned. Don’t forget to make sure your next appointment’s scheduled before you leave,” Dr. Lund said as he dismissed them.
They said their goodbyes, checked with the front desk about Meghan’s next appointment, then made their way to Oliver’s vehicle. She had no idea what the plan for the day was or where they were going. Anticipation rocketed through her as she remembered how great their first two dates were before her diagnosis had changed everything. Over the last month, Oliver had done his best to bring back the fun and spontaneity of those first two dates. Everything he did made Meghan fall even more in love with him.
An hour later after standing in one long comic con line after another Meghan’s heart was racing. As she stood next to one of the hottest men on the planet, his armed draped casually over her shoulder as he pulled her tighter against him, she couldn’t help but stare at her husband. He stood behind the photographer, a knowing smile on his face. Jason Momoa smelled like sex on a stick and if they both weren’t in committed relationships with other people, she might have tried to proposition him. But she loved her husband, more than she ever thought possible. Tonight, he’d be the only man she thought about as she proved to him over and over again just how much she loved him.
She was the luckiest woman in the world because Oliver loved her enough to crawl through fire for her and she knew he’d do it again in a heartbeat. Through hell and high water, through cancer and insecurities, nothing would tear them apart again, not even the one thing she still feared.
Their love was forever.