“You are real, aren’t you?” he said. “I have such real dreams very often. You might be one of them.”
Frances Hodgson Burnett, The Secret Garden
FLETCHER FELT like he was seeing a ghost. He blinked, stared, tried to figure out if she was real.
She looked almost the same. Her hair was shorter, curlier than before. And her face perhaps showed a few signs of aging, the kind he’d never have noticed if he’d seen her every day. But her smile remained just as electrical, her eyes as bright.
“Kim,” he murmured, trying to wrap his head around this.
He’d spent all this time waiting, wanting, knowing she’d be back one day. But lately, just since meeting Bethany, he’d begun to think less about it, put his focus elsewhere—on what was in the here and now, in front of his eyes. If Kim had tapped him on the shoulder two weeks ago, he wouldn’t have been nearly as stunned as he was right now.
“Look at you, Fletch,” she said, taking him in, same as he was doing with her. “I barely recognized you. You shaved and cut your hair! You look great! It’s so good to see you, my love.” She was shaking her head in a heartfelt way, the way of lovers long parted, the way he’d dreamed she would someday.
He just hadn’t expected someday to be tonight, right now, when for the first time ever he’d been gathering the strength to finally move on.
Fletcher tried to think of words—but none came. He’d played this moment over in his head a thousand times—but it hadn’t happened like this, in the middle of a party, in front of the people who’d become his friends, in front of a woman he’d been ready to kiss. Nothing about this felt the way he’d thought it would.
When finally he found his voice, he said, “Wh-where have you been?” From his peripheral vision he could see eyes upon him. Music still played, but the people who knew him best were watching, understanding that this long awaited place in time had finally come. He could barely hear anything over the pounding of his heart in his ears.
The question made Kim’s smile fade. Funny thing was, he’d always planned to make it easy on her. To welcome her back with smiles and hugs and joy—and sort it all out after the fact. But that wasn’t turning out like he’d expected either.
His wife swallowed visibly. “I’m so sorry, Fletch. No words can make up for it, I know.” She reached out, grabbed his hand. Her touch felt strange—both familiar and foreign. “Let’s go somewhere and talk. Is there a place we can be alone?”
“I . . . I have a house. I bought a house.”
She looked surprised, understandably. They’d never wanted to own property, be tied down—they were adventurers together. “A house?”
He just nodded. “It was a long time, Kim. Had to live somewhere.”
She looked appropriately guilty. Which he hadn’t intended exactly—and yet he wasn’t sorry to point out the obvious: Her actions had been monumentally life changing, and monumentally hurtful.
“Can . . . can we go there? Talk privately?” Clearly, she’d tuned in to the fact that even while some people around them still danced, they had an audience.
Fletcher felt . . . assaulted. By what he’d thought he wanted. No, I do want it. Of course I do. I love her. I’ve always loved her.
I just can’t believe . . . she’s really back.
“Yeah,” he murmured. “Of course.” And then he remembered Bethany behind him. Lovely, vivacious Bethany. He turned to her. “I’m sorry,” he said.
She appeared nearly as dumbstruck as he felt. But she said, “It’s okay. I understand. Do what you need to do.”
He just looked at her, torn inside. Somewhere in the last few minutes, he’d mentally committed to this, to letting something amazing happen with her—and he was sorry he wouldn’t see where it led.
But God, Kim was back. Really back.
So of course he needed to take her home, to her new home, to their home, the home he’d bought to wait for her, and share with her.
He’d just never expected to feel so . . . lost.
But she’s home, like you’ve always wanted. You’ll go with her now, you’ll hear what she has to say, you’ll forgive her.
No, you’ve already forgiven her. Or at least that’s what you’ve always told yourself.
You’ll go with her and you’ll start over and somehow all this will make sense. He’d always assumed it would. He’d always thought the very moment she walked back into his life that he’d understand and there would be nothing but joy.
Why didn’t it feel that way?
TAMRA sat in one of the Adirondack chairs that circled the fire pit. It had started to get chilly now that the hour had grown late, so she’d started a small blaze. It had kept her hands and mind busy after getting home, and now it kept her warm—good because she thought she might stay out here awhile. She needed more peace than usual tonight, the kind of peace her private garden gave her.
Part of her wanted to go inside and change—get rid of the dress that now suddenly made her feel like . . . like she’d been masquerading as someone else. Turned out she was still just her plain old self, afraid of her own feelings, afraid to be with a man. Perhaps it had just been too long. And she still carried too many scars. It was the only explanation she had for running away from him.
She hadn’t changed, though, because she hadn’t wanted to leave the garden for even that long. She wasn’t sure anything could really heal her soul at this point, but the garden at least soothed it.
She wished the night hadn’t ended this way. She’d wanted to claim her miracle, same as she wanted Fletcher to claim his. She’d thought she’d abandoned her fear and trepidation. Having Jeremy show up like that, transformed, for her, had truly felt like a miracle, one she should honor. He’d seemed so much more . . . like someone she could really be with, in that way. He’d given her a reason to trust, to believe . . . at least a little.
But in the end, it hadn’t been enough. A heavy sigh escaped her, seeming to weight the air. But then the light, pretty sound of a breeze tinkling through windchimes caught her ear, and she leaned her head back and took in the stars shining down through the tree branches above, and she was back in her safe place where nothing could hurt her.
The sound of the gate opening caused her to flinch and swing around to look.
Her heart began to pump painfully hard when she saw Jeremy walk in.
Oh God. It hadn’t occurred to her that he’d follow her.
And he looked so good. She was still getting used to that—how handsome he suddenly was. Another reason for her heartbeat to hammer out of control.
He walked up next to her by the fire and held out her sweater. Oh—she’d totally forgotten it in her hurry to leave.
“Not exactly a glass slipper,” he said, “but I think when a woman rushes out of a heated moment and leaves something behind, the guy’s supposed to take it to her and see if it fits, right? And then good stuff happens.”
She just looked at him, adjusting to the moment. And said, “I’m no Cinderella.”
He gave his head a speculative tilt. “I don’t know. You were all dressed up at a party and went running. If the shoe fits . . . or in this case the sweater.” And then he drew his gaze from hers and began looking around, as if searching for something.
“What are you looking for?”
“A pumpkin. Maybe some mice. That sort of thing.” He flashed a small grin that nearly buried her.
“Afraid they’re not here,” she said. “You’ve got the wrong girl.”
He raised his eyebrows as he held up the sweater. “No, this is definitely yours, Mary.”
She shook her head, uncertain what to say, but a little honesty spilled out. “I meant the wrong girl for . . . other things.” She met his gaze only briefly before jerking it away, staring into the fire.
“I don’t believe that, either,” he told her. “You want other things as much as I do. The only question is why you won’t let yourself have them.” He sat down on the arm of the chair closest to her. “Is it because we don’t know each other well? Because we haven’t dated? I could fix that.”
She peered up at him. It was nice to see he understood that even in this day and age some women wanted to get to know a guy before hopping into bed with him. It wasn’t exactly hearts and flowers romance, but he wasn’t a bad guy. He just had some issues—like her. And two people with issues . . . well, that sounded like a recipe for disaster.
She replied as openly as she could. “That might be part of it. But it’s more than that.”
“Tell me,” he said, no longer smiling. “Make me understand.”
“No,” she said with another shake of her head. “I can’t. It’s . . . personal.”
“My tongue was in your mouth a little while ago. That’s personal, too. We’re into personal now. Tell me.”
Tamra drew in her breath—she didn’t like being put on the spot. She’d run away from him to escape that—and all of this, after all. So she simply shook her head one more time, more emphatically now.
“You really are pretty contrary,” he insisted.
“I’m not,” she argued.
His brows rose again. “What would you call it?”
She could hear her heartbeat in her ears. “Nervousness, I guess,” she confessed. “I’d call it nervousness.” A blush of humiliation crept over her.
She’d expected him to perhaps laugh at her childishness. But he simply told her, “Nothing to be nervous about here, Mary, I promise. I’m just a person, just like you.”
“The thing is,” she said, a little short of breath—because of what she was about to say, “it’s been a long time since I’ve . . . had sex. And maybe I’m afraid . . . I won’t know what to do.”
His eyes sparkled with understanding—because she’d let him in, into her fears, just a little. “Truth is, Mary, it’s been a long time for me, too. Longer than I’d like to admit. And maybe you’re not the only one a little . . . on edge about it.”
“You don’t seem on edge,” she countered quickly.
“That’s because . . . I want it more than I fear it. That’s all.” He pushed back to his feet. “I wish you felt that way, too.” And with that, he let her sweater drop over the arm of the chair he’d just vacated and turned to walk back toward the gate, which had fallen shut behind him.
She felt like a loser. She needed to make him better understand.
“I’m really not like Cinderella,” she said behind him, standing up.
He stopped, looked back.
“I’m not . . . pretty.”
“I’d beg to differ,” he said, taking a short step back toward her. And her heart warmed. Until tonight, no one had made her feel pretty in a very long time. And even just since coming home, tonight’s compliments had begun to wear off. Maybe . . . maybe she hadn’t really believed them. But when Jeremy said it, it felt a little more real, for reasons she couldn’t easily explain.
Yet still she argued. She got even more real with him. “I’m not a size six. Or even eight.”
At this, he looked perplexed. “Who gives a shit what size you wear?”
“I’m not like Christy or Cami or Bethany. I’m not skinny, or even thin. I’m not a Barbie doll.”
“If you haven’t noticed, Mary, I like your body just fine.” He took another step in her direction. “Maybe I like having a little more to hold on to. And I like holding on to it—when I’ve had the chance to do that anyway.”
Huh. He liked her body. Her body, which . . . wasn’t horrible, but she couldn’t help comparing herself to her thinner, younger, more stylish friends. It took a second to absorb what he’d just said—and that he really meant it.
But maybe it boiled down to one more thing. One more secret envy. “There’s another way I’m not like them, too. They go after what they want in life. They’re so confident and bold—they never let fear stand in their way. But . . . I do.”
“Then that’s the one and only thing I want to change about you, Mary.”
She stood there, considered that.
And he went on. “A month ago, I was afraid to walk out the fucking door. I was afraid to leave the fucking yard. And then I did. And guess what? It’s okay. Nothing terrible happened.” He shifted his weight from one foot to the other then, looked a little troubled, like he’d realized how much he’d just admitted to her. But he went on. “I’m the last guy to say I’ve dealt with my shit well. But I’m doing better. Because you just . . . have to. Otherwise you wake up one day old and alone and wonder if things could have been different. Sometimes you gotta be bigger than your fears.”
Tamra stood before him, frozen in place. By all his honesty. And by the challenge he’d issued. God knew she hadn’t planned to tell him any of this—and it remained embarrassing, even if he’d admitted big weaknesses of his own. She’d thought the night was over. She’d thought she’d escaped all the challenges. She’d thought she was safe here.
But then he’d come into her garden. He’d entered her safe place and made it not safe anymore. It struck her that he was the only person to ever do that, the only person to ever let himself into her private place without being invited.
When she didn’t reply to all he’d just said, he finally gave up, turned to go again.
But there were moments in life when a person was tested. And Tamra knew this was just such a moment—she could feel it in her bones. She’d run from him twice. And now he’d entered her sacred space—he’d made himself . . . a part of it suddenly, in a way. She’d promised Fletcher she’d open herself to Jeremy. And more than that, she’d promised herself.
“Jeremy, wait.”
Once more, he stopped and looked back. This time the expression on his face was a skeptical one. But she wanted to fix that. She wanted to be brave, too. And she prayed she wouldn’t regret it.
“I . . . don’t want to be afraid anymore. Of anything.”
“You don’t have to be, baby,” he told her deeply.
“Make me . . . not afraid,” she said.
And their gazes locked as he came toward her.