Chet

“Chet! Like, hello. Where the hell is your head today?” Gabe’s irritation is evident.

“I bet he’s busy fantasizing about Chri-sty.” Hank mockingly sings her name.

“For fuck’s sake man. I hate to interrupt, but can you do that shit on your own time? This herd isn’t gonna move itself to the next pasture.”

“My head is right where it needs to be—like always.” Even to me, my words ring hollow. I know good and well Gabe has been talking about something for the last few minutes and I didn’t catch a word of it. From the time we rode out of the barn I was aware this day would require my absolute focus, but I just haven’t been able to muster it. My head is someplace else entirely. Wherever she is.

“Oh good. Then please, tell me what you think.” Gabe demands.

“About what?”

Hank snickers.

“Jesus—you weren’t listening to a word I said.” Gabe shakes his head. “Okay, let’s try this again. I suggested Hank take the lead on the four-wheeler while you and I push from the rear, keeping an eye out for stragglers on either flank. The horses are quieter and are less likely to spook them. What do you think?”

“Sounds fine.”

“Holy shit, Gabe, whatever he’s got, it must be bad,” Hank says. “I don’t think he’s agreed with any idea you ever had.”

“Not on the first try, that’s for sure,” Gabe replies.

“Maybe I’m just tired of trying to teach you two rodeo clowns how to do everything. Sometimes you gotta fail at something to learn from it.”

“You’re such a dick, brother. Hank, we’ll follow your lead,” Gabe hollers. He slaps his reins against the shoulders of his old pinto, Jigsaw, causing him to break out in a full gallop.

It’s late afternoon before we have the last stragglers wrangled and joined back with the group. It’s been a long, difficult day caused by rookie mistakes. Far from our best work, and I know I am largely to blame.

Hank calls over the radio that he’s headed home and as is typical, we watch him cut a path through the roughest ground he can find trying his level best to separate wheels from the ground wherever possible. He really ought to wear a helmet at all times.

The silence between Gabe and me on the ride back removes any doubt from my mind that he is fuming. When we reach the barn, he hasn’t even dismounted when he starts in on me.

“I ought to kick your ass for what happened out there,” Gabe roars. “Now are you going to tell me what the hell is going on?”

“Nothing to explain really. Haven’t you ever had an off day?” I reply.

“Chet, you’ve been doing this since before Jack was born, and honestly, you’re good at it,” he says, climbing down and patting his gelding. “This is no off day. What the fuck, man? Did you and the doc have a fight or something?”

“No. Nothing like that. Things there are … good,” I say, thinking fondly on my time with Christy these last weeks.

With his saddle resting on its stand and his horse secured in its stall for the night Gabe walks toward me, stopping deliberately inside the perimeter of my personal space. His face is covered in dust from the fields, interrupted by dried streaks of sweat from a day of hard riding. His breath is hot in my face and I want to push him away, but I know I deserve whatever is coming next.

“Man, I know you aren’t a talker, but I don’t think I’ve seen you this way since Pop died and I can’t get a read on you.”

“How do you mean?” I ask.

“Like, are you happy? Are you sad? Did you commit a felony and don’t know what to do with the body? What is it?”

I can feel a smile crack when I say the word. “Happy.”

“Well…” He pauses. “That’s great. But then what’s got you out of sorts?”

Even with my brother, a man I spend more time with than anyone else in the world, the idea of sharing my thoughts and feelings makes me want to vomit a little, but I know I can’t keep it all to myself much longer.

“Thing is, I haven’t felt this way about a woman in a long time, Gabe.”

“Yeah, that’s because you’re a solemn, humorless, curmudgeon. Nothing new there, brother.”

I level a glare in his direction.

“Okay, okay. Sorry, it’s habit. Go on.”

“After Dad passed and things with Jess fell apart, I thought the door to this kind of happiness had closed for me,” I confess.

“Hold up a sec. What was the deal there anyway?” Gabe interjects. “Whenever I came home to visit, you two seemed all sorts of happy and in love. It was almost sickening. We had you pegged for wedding bells and what not—but then Pop’s accident and … poof. By the time I moved back Jess was out of the picture and you weren’t talking about it.”

“Yeah?” I shrug.

“Yeah? What the fuck is that—yeah? Yeah, so please explain what happened,” he insists. “Ya damn idiot.”

“After the accident, the life I had … the life she and I had been dreaming about … well, that was over. I couldn’t sit by and let this place go to ruin. Mom was a wreck. Leo was barely a teenager and already a handful, and you know how bad he got for a time after. I had responsibilities to my family and tough decisions had to be made.”

“Okay? And what? Jess wasn’t ready to settle down?” Gabe asks quietly, leaning in for my reply.

“No, not that.”

“Oh my God. What then?”

“She was ready to get married, move in, and start making babies.”

“While I admit that would scare the ever-living shit out of me, I don’t see how that would have been a problem for you,” he says, pointedly.

“I had all that new responsibility and I didn’t want to fail Dad. So … I pushed her away. I made the decision that we had to put all that on hold. Indefinitely.”

“Please don’t tell me you were dumb enough to say that to her, Chet.” Gabe stares in disbelief at my silence. “Chet?”

“I had to prioritize. I had to focus on the most important things at that point.”

Looking down at his feet he shakes his head and mumbles, “You stupid mother fucker. Chet. Listen, I know this isn’t the kind of thing you’re comfortable with.”

“What’s that?” I ask.

“Talking. Sharing. Being a normal human being who has feelings, etcetera. But, brother let me tell you. I let that same hardheaded Wilde streak take over once upon a time and it cost me my relationship with Mer. She was the girl of my dreams man. And … I’ve never forgiven myself for it. I mean, she was the one, no doubt. And I know I’ll never have that again, all because I made some decisions for us too, without consulting her, without understanding her needs, and wants, and desires.

“Well Gabe. I can’t change the past and I hardly see how any of that applies to my current situation.”

He takes a step back, leaning against a nearby stall. “Okay, so you’re every bit the idiot I always knew you to be. My point...” He stops himself, reflecting for a moment as he shakes his head. “My point, was more about how we both have let our sense of knowing what needs to be done alienate the people that mattered in our lives. Anyway, enough about ancient history—what’s going on with you and the doc?”

I hesitate to share any more with him as he’s proving a terrible therapist. “Feels like maybe I’ve got a second chance and I don’t want to waste it.”

“Okay, so far so good. So, what’s the catch? I don’t see what’s got your head out of the game.”

“I’ve been thinking.” I stop myself, not sure I’m ready to say the words out loud. To my surprise, Gabe looks on patiently, waiting for me to continue. “I’d like her to move here full time.”

“That’s cool. She seems really great and … I mean, we’d save a ton on vet costs. But, isn’t it maybe a bit early for that?”

I nod. “Ordinarily, yeah. But she has an ex. He’s not taking the breakup well, and with her so far away and all alone I think she’d be safer here with us.”

“Have you talked to her about it yet?” Gabe asks.

“Nah. Things are moving so fast, I don’t want to spook her.”

“Here’s a nickel’s worth of advice that I’m sure you don’t think you want to hear. Talk to her about it. Good or bad, don’t let another good one slip away.” Gabe pats me on the shoulder on his way out of the barn. “Talk to her, brother.”