13. SARA

Whap.

“Again.”

Whap.

“Again.”

WHAP.

“Whoa.”

WHAP!

“Hey, settle down!”

Kelsey flashes me an annoyed look that pulls my head back into the moment. I didn’t realize I was letting my mood creep into the roundhouse kicks I’ve been driving into her padded shield for the last five minutes.

“Sorry,” I pant, propping my gloved hands on my knees to catch my breath.

“Everything okay?” she asks. “You’ve been aggressive since your warm-up.”

Kelsey has been my martial arts instructor and friend for six years. She’s learned how to read minds based on a student’s movements, plus she knows me really well – there’s no getting anything past her. The upside is I don’t have to pay for a therapist.

Kelsey doesn’t charge me for the workouts either – we met when she hired me to get her sister out of a cult, and she hasn’t let me pay her a dime since.

“Crazy day,” I puff. “Nothing I can’t handle.”

“Uh-huh,” she says. “Let’s take a break before you hurt yourself. Or me.”

I grab my towel and wipe the sweat from my face as we take a seat on the bench in front of the full-length mirror on the wall of her studio. As usual, I’m a pit-stained mess in my workout clothes, while Kelsey looks like she just stepped out of the salon. Some women just seem have that natural coolness about them.

“What happened?” she asks. “You’re only like this when you’re frustrated. Is it a case?”

“Yeah, but not the way you think. I’m doing a corporate job this month. Huge pay.”

She smiles. “Awesome! So why is that frustrating?”

I shake my head. “It’s complicated.”

“Try me.”

The truth is I don’t know why I’m feeling like this. It’s not like I’m mad at Chance, or unhappy about the money. I should be kicking up my heels, not trying to kick Kelsey’s head off her shoulders.

“I won’t bore you with the details,” I say. “It’s just a different kind of work. I’m nervous that I won’t be able to pull it off.”

Kelsey’s eyes narrow. Her gaze has the same effect on me that my father’s did when I was a kid, back before he finally left us. It’s like a school principal’s.

“I think it’s a guy,” she says. “You’re always like this after you break up with someone.”

“I am not.”

“Yup. I always assume it’s because you’re mad at the guy.”

I’ve only had a handful of boyfriends, and none of them has lasted more than a few weeks. Well, except for Chance. We were together for two years.

I sigh. “It’s not them I get upset with. It’s me.”

“You get mad at yourself after a breakup?”

“There’s a reason no guy ever wants to stay with me,” I say morosely.

Kelsey takes my shoulders and turns me to look her in the eye.

“Don’t talk like that,” she says. “You’ve got the full package, girl. If a guy can’t see that, it’s his problem, not yours.”

Should I tell her? All these years we’ve been friends, I’ve never actually broached the subject with her. But if there’s anyone I can trust in this world, it’s Kelsey.

“It’s not the guys,” I say. “Well, a couple of them were jerks. But the others just couldn’t get past something that’s wrong with me.”

“What are you talking about?”

“It’s just… I’ve never…”

“Never what?”

I lean in and whisper, even though we’re the only people in the room.

“Kelsey, I’m a virgin. Every time a guy and I get to the point where most people have sex, I just… don’t.”

Her eyes widen. “Really?”

“Yeah. I’m more screwed up than I let on.”

“Honey, believe me, I know how screwed up you are,” she says with a grin. “But there’s nothing wrong with waiting for the right guy. I kind of admire you for it.”

I grimace. Should I keep going? The only other person I’ve ever talked to about this is Grace, and that’s because she lived through it with me.

“I wish that was the reason,” I say. “But if I’m being honest, it’s not. I have… hang-ups.”

“What do you mean?”

“My mom was a bit of a religious fanatic.”

That’s the understatement of the century. She was a bipolar addict who had a lot of ideas about purity and chastity being the only paths to heaven. It got worse as Grace and I entered puberty. She made us ashamed of our own bodies, and we were scared to death of boys.

Even when I rebelled and started dating Chance, I wasn’t able to go all the way with him. He never complained, though. He always said my beautiful face was all he needed.

“That’s too bad,” says Kelsey. “Maybe your break-ups are some sort of trigger for your anger with her? You blame her for not being able to seal the deal with a man.”

Whoa. That’s kind of a revelation.

“I never thought of that,” I say. “But you’re probably right.”

“That doesn’t explain today, though,” she says. “You didn’t break up with a guy today, did you?”

“Well, therein lies a tale.”

I tell her about the crazy coincidence of meeting up with Chance again after all these years.

“Wow,” she says. “That is crazy.”

“Right?”

“So how did you feel about it?”

“What do you mean?”

“You run into the only guy you were ever really close to, and he’s hotter than ever – that’s gotta spark a few thoughts, girl.”

I frown. “Are you trying to tell me I’ve been beating up on you because I’m horny?”

Kelsey shrugs. “You tell me.”

I’d really like to tell her she’s out to lunch, that there’s obviously another explanation. But do I even believe that?

“Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter,” I say. “Chance made it abundantly clear that his boat sailed a long time ago.”

“Oh, come on,” she says. “You’re hot, sweetie. How do you know he wasn’t just playing hard to get? Ex-flame doesn’t want to let on he’s still interested – it’s a tale as old as time.”

“I doubt that very much.”

“Why do you say that?”

In for a penny, in for a pound. Might as well tell her all of it.