Chapter Nine
Matthew sat in his cousin Ewan’s parlor. He was quiet as his cousin, mute since birth, signed and his wife Charlotte translated their secret language. Alongside the couple were Ewan and Matthew’s closest friend from childhood, Baldwin, and his wife of just a year, Helena. Normally Matthew relished these times with them, with all the dukes in their club. And seeing these particular dukes so happy was even better.
But his mind kept returning, time and time again, to his stranger at the Donville Masquerade. His swan. It had been two days since he saw her, touched her, and his nights had been restless with dreams of her. His days just as distracted by the same.
“Don’t you think, Matthew?” Charlotte asked.
He jolted at his name and looked up to see the foursome all looking at him expectantly. Of course he had no idea to what that question referred.
“Er, I…I’m sorry, Charlotte. I admit I was leagues away,” he said with an apologetic tilt of his head. “Forgive me.”
Charlotte had always been kind and her gentle expression now grew worried, as did the faces of the others. They even exchanged looks, and his stomach tightened. Since Angelica’s death, there had been a lot of those kinds of looks between his friends. God, how he hated their pity.
“Charlotte, you were telling me about the nursery,” Helena said with a smile for Baldwin. “I’d love to see what you’ve done.”
Charlotte smiled, but with her pregnancy so far along, she struggled to get up. Ewan moved toward her, helping her to her feet before he settled a hand on her stomach gently. He smiled, but there was tension to his face as she leaned in to kiss his cheek.
“Yes, you gentlemen will excuse us, won’t you?” Charlotte asked.
They were all on their feet by then, and Matthew inclined his head as the two ladies departed, leaving him alone with his two best friends. It should have been so comfortable. Ewan had been raised by Matthew’s father and mother. Because of his inability to speak, his own family had been abominable to him, and Matthew’s late father hadn’t stood for it. In the end, they had been raised as brothers, not just cousins or friends.
And Baldwin was nearly as close. His father had been good friends with Matthew’s. The families had always been linked. Baldwin and his sister Charlotte had been a constant part of their lives. Ewan had even fallen in love with Charlotte when they were just children.
They were a bonded group within the larger group of their friends. And yet there was no ease in being alone with them, because they knew nothing about Matthew’s recent troubles.
Baldwin sighed as he went to the parlor door and shut it. When he looked at them, he shook his head. “I don’t know which of you two to start with. You’re both like ghosts. Is there something horrible going on that I know nothing about?”
“Start with him,” Matthew said, indicating Ewan.
Ewan glared at him but pulled out the small silver notebook he used to communicate. The engraved piece, given to him by his wife, reflected the firelight as he scribbled out a shaky message. “It’s the baby.”
Matthew read the note out loud and his stomach dropped as he jerked his face back up to Ewan’s. “Is something wrong?”
Ewan swallowed and wrote, “Charlotte is healthy and the baby moves and kicks. I would be delighted. I am delighted. But…”
He stopped writing midsentence, set the notebook down and walked away. Both Matthew and Baldwin read the message, and Matthew exchanged a look with their friend.
“Ewan,” he said softly, pushing his own troubles away to focus on Ewan. “Are you still worried this child will inherit your…affliction?”
Ewan didn’t have to answer in writing. The way his neck stiffened, the way his knuckles whitened, was enough.
“It’s why you pushed my sister away for so long,” Baldwin said, his tone just as kind as Matthew’s had been. “Why you nearly didn’t marry her despite the feelings you have for one another.”
Ewan jerked out a nod, and Matthew was shocked to see the tears sparkle in his cousin’s eyes. He moved on him, catching his arm with both his hands. “You know we will all love, protect and spoil this baby no matter what. He or she will never know a lack of acceptance. A lack of family.”
Ewan swallowed hard and patted Matthew’s hand before he walked back to the notebook. “I know. I still worry. Charlotte sees it. She comforts me, too. Sometimes, though, I can’t help but fear for the future.”
“You don’t regret your decision to take this life with my sister, do you?” Baldwin asked, his tone suddenly sharper.
Ewan jolted and he scraped out in all capitals, “NEVER!” He drew a few long breaths as if to calm himself and then he wrote. “The baby comes in a few weeks. Diana will be helping Charlotte with the birth. And then we’ll see.”
Matthew nodded. Diana was their friend Lucas’s wife, and a talented healer. “Yes, we’ll see. In the end, that is all any of us get, you know. Tragedy can strike in an instant to any of us. Don’t go looking for it if you can avoid it.”
“Your mother said as much to me when I was still tangled up over a future with Charlotte.” Ewan smiled.
Matthew returned the expression. “Well, she is, as you know, always correct.”
“Is that why you’re so troubled? Angelica?”
Baldwin arched a brow. “I’ve some thoughts on that subject.”
“Thoughts,” Matthew repeated. “Really?”
Baldwin shot Ewan a look. “I’ve heard he’s been spending time at the Donville Masquerade with Robert.”
Matthew’s eyes went wide. “Who told you that?”
“Hugh said the three of you went there when you all snuck out of James and Emma’s party. But that you’ve kept going back.” Baldwin folded his arms. “Are you denying it?”
“No,” Matthew said. “Why should I?”
To his surprise, Ewan slapped his arm hard. “Good. It’s time to come back to your life, Matthew. We’ve all longed to see you do so.”
“So is it guilt that makes you look so ragged?” Baldwin asked.
Matthew sighed. In truth, he wasn’t opposed to talking to the two of them about his troubles. Though both would be shocked, they cared for him and would not judge. And he needed an opinion on the matter that wasn’t from Robert and his skewed view on life and passion.
“There is a…lady,” he said.
Both men drew back, and their shock was clear. “A lady?” Baldwin repeated.
“A woman,” Matthew corrected. “She sometimes seems like a lady, though she implied she might be a servant or that she comes from trade. I met her that first night I went with Hugh and Robert. I’ve gone back because of her.”
Ewan drew a long breath and began to write. “Not that I’ve had much experience with such things, but even I’ve heard of the Donville Masquerade. Is it as wicked as described?”
Matthew pursed his lips as images of naked bodies, roaming hands, arching backs filled his mind. Images of his swan, writhing above him as she cried out her pleasure. It put his body on edge as he ground out, “Yes.”
“Does that mean she’s your lover?”
Matthew shifted at the question in black and white before him. He’d never been one to brag about his conquests, not that he’d had any in what felt like a lifetime.
“Yes.”
“Good God,” Baldwin breathed. “That is not what I expected. I thought you were just leaning on the wall, cursing Robert for his interference.”
“It started that way,” Matthew said, running a hand through his hair to expel some of the restless energy this topic created low in his belly. “He dragged me there, and you know how hard it is to resist him. But I didn’t intend for this.”
“How did it start?” Ewan wrote.
Matthew shut his eyes. He could picture that first night so perfectly. “She was being harassed,” he said. “I couldn’t let that stand. I stepped in, we talked, I was shocked by this instant connection.”
Baldwin smiled softly. “I know a bit about that.”
Matthew shook his head, for he didn’t think he ought to compare the connection he felt to his lover to Baldwin’s deep and abiding love for Helena.
“We ended up on the terrace,” he continued.
“I also know a bit about that,” Baldwin said, laughing this time.
“Well, it snowballed,” Matthew said. “We kissed. And the next time I saw her, it was more than kissing. We are lovers, despite all my reservations and questions. I can’t stop thinking about her. Dreaming about her.”
“That is a good thing, isn’t it?” Baldwin asked. “A natural thing for a man to want a woman. Why do you hesitate?”
“First, she wears a mask,” Matthew explained. “I don’t know her identity.”
Ewan’s eyes were wide but he wrote nothing, just stared. Baldwin even looked shocked. “Well, that is something,” he said slowly. “It is a masquerade, though. You must do the same.”
“I did,” Matthew said. “But she knows my identity. It’s a long story. I do hesitate that she knows me but I know nothing about her.”
“That’s fair,” Ewan wrote. “It’s also not your only hesitation.”
Matthew pursed his lips. “You know me too well. I forget that sometimes until you so rudely remind me. No, that’s not all.” He paced the room. “Being with this woman, despite the hidden identities and the wild start to it…it feels like coming back to life. But it also feels like betrayal.”
Baldwin flinched. “Angelica has been gone for a long time, Tyndale,” he said gently.
“You think I should just pack up any feelings about her and move on?” Matthew snapped.
Baldwin shook his head. “Of course not. No one expects the pain of losing her to go away completely. I could not imagine the grief of what you’ve endured, I know that even more strongly since Helena came into my life. But I also can’t picture that Angelica would have wanted you to go on in misery, holding up her memory for the rest of your days.”
Matthew walked to the sideboard. He fiddled with the bottles without pouring himself a drink. He didn’t want one—he just didn’t want to look at the two men who knew him best. Not when they might see what he, himself, didn’t want to explore too deeply.
“I know you are right,” he said softly.
He could say no more. They didn’t push for more, they just let the silence hang between them for a moment. Then Baldwin came to stand beside him and slung an arm around his shoulders.
“Did you get the invitation to Lord and Lady Callis’s ball on Saturday night?”
Matthew wrinkled his brow. “Yes, I think so. Mother mentioned it, as well, when I called on her a few days ago. What about it?”
“Well, all of us are going. You know he married his mistress last year and the duchesses seem determined to help make her entry into Society easier.”
Matthew bent his head at the kindness of his friends and their beautiful wives. “That sounds like the duchesses.”
“Why don’t you come? Get out into Society, shake off the melancholy and confusion with your friends. Make your mother happy.”
Matthew glanced over to find Ewan nodding his agreement. He sighed. “Very well. I’ve been spending too much time brooding in hells as it is. A night with friends would probably do me some good.”
Baldwin grinned. “I think it will be just the thing. You take a night away from this woman, clear your head. Perhaps it will help you see things more clearly.”
Matthew nodded, and at that moment Helena and Charlotte returned to the room together. He watched as his friends greeted their wives, the light that returned to both men obvious.
They were right, of course, that a night away from the hell, away from his search for his stranger, would likely do him good. But the idea that it could clear his head seemed foolish, indeed. Because his mind was tangled and there didn’t seem to be a way to unravel it. Not yet. Perhaps not ever.