“Hi Logan, it’s Mom,” I announced, as I pulled on my gardening gloves. “Happy Birthday.”
I went to work weeding around his headstone, and then I moved onto Carter’s. “Hey, it’s me. I bet the two of you celebrated by going fishing up there today.” My fingers tugged the weeds away. “I miss you both very much, especially today.”
As I planted some Russian sage around their headstones, I recounted the day’s events. I told Carter about the cake Luke and I picked up at the bakery. “And it was just as amazing as he promised that it would be.” I laughed.
I didn’t plant too much—the plant was known to grow a tad out of control. Shaking the earth from my hands, I admired my handiwork. The soft shades of lavender and silver were pretty and not too feminine. Next summer though, I was going to plant fireweed and Carter would just have to deal with the glowing pink blooms.
“Last time I was here, I told you about my new job—I really like it.” I pulled the soft towel from my gardening supplies and dusted off their headstones wiping them free of dust and grime from the bugs. “School will be here before you know it. Luke is excited about starting football practice next week. His new coach is tough but seems like a pretty good guy. He’ll be good role model for Luke, I think.”
Stop rambling.
Tears welled in my eyes and my throat tightened. “Carter, the sound of your voice,” I whispered. “I don’t hear it as often as I used to. I’m scared I’m losing you and I know that sounds silly because you’re up there and I’m here . . .” I fought off the tears swiping the back of my hands across my cheeks. “I’m pretty good at keeping it together, but some days are worse than others. The other day I fixed Luke’s laptop.” I sniffled through a laugh as my hand rested atop Carter’s headstone. “Didn’t even have to take it to the Apple store, I remembered a few tricks that you taught me, and I actually fixed it.” I looked towards the mountains watching as the sun dipped behind the clouds.
Carter and I had picked this place shortly after the boys turned two. It was halfway between my new place and the place we’d called home back in Butte. Carter and I knew life was short, that it was a gift. We thought we had years before this time came, before our time on Earth had ended. I was still here. Carter wasn’t.
“I picked up my phone to text you, to tell you that I fixed the damn thing.” My hands shook as I drew in a sharp breath. “Lots of days I don’t know how I’m able to do any of this without you, but I guess I’m surviving—somehow by the grace of God, I am.”
Pressing my fingertips under my eyes, I cleared my throat. “Ahhh. I didn’t expect to be this emotional.” I gathered up all my gardening tools including the bag of debris I cleared around the plots and tossed it all into the bed of my truck. “Love you both.”
In the comfort of my truck with no one around I allowed myself to let the tears fall. One good cry. I’ve had what felt like a million and one good cries. As my hands gripped the steering wheel, I took a few deep breaths.
I’m okay.
I am okay.
Sunday morning arrived bringing a thunderstorm and a large blast of hail. The winds and popping sounds had me up and checking all the windows for broken glass. Lightning flashed outside, energizing the life on the mountains. I hadn’t doubted my purchase of the house until I looked at the lake and the possibility of flooding entered my mind.
Another crack of thunder shook the house making me jump. Lightning lit up the muggy sky just as I poured coffee into my cup. I took a seat at the breakfast bar when my phone chimed, probably a severe weather alert.
Instead of the weather it was a message from Wyatt. I don’t remember giving him my number.
Wyatt: This weather is insane. I don’t have power, do you?
Hannah: Yes, I do. Any word when yours might come back on?
Wyatt: Last time this happened it was about ten hours and on the hottest day of the year.
Hannah: What did you do?
Wyatt: Stayed here as long as I could stand it, then I went up to the school. Ten other staff members had the same plan.
Hannah: Sounds like fun.
Wyatt: It was a lot like a lock-in. Did you ever have those?
Hannah: Yeah, I wasn’t allowed to participate—overprotective mother.
I checked the weather app on my phone. It was going to be eighty-nine degrees today. Thunder roared dumping buckets of rain across the deck. My thumb hovered over the screen as I formulated my response.
Hannah: You’re welcome to come over if you’d like.
Three little dots worked over the screen then disappeared only to reappear seconds later.
Wyatt: I’d gladly take you up on the offer, but I can’t leave my dog here by himself in this weather.
Right, the dog. I loved dogs, never had one as part of the family though. Truth be told, we didn’t have any pets growing up. Mom didn’t want to deal with the shedding. Somehow magically when Dad retired they adopted a dog.
My boys asked for a puppy every year, but with our schedules, we just didn’t have time to dedicate to a dog. It would have been unfair to the pup.
Hannah: Your dog is welcome here too.
Wyatt: All right. I’m bringing breakfast.
Hannah: Okay. See you soon.
I tugged on the hem of my t-shirt realizing that it was the only thing that I was wearing aside from panties. If Luke was here, I’d have showered and been dressed. It was a rare moment where I could just walk around and pants were optional.
I loved pajamas, and my sister had hooked me up with several sets. Nice stuff from Sleepy Jones, J. Crew, Cosabella and Charlotte Ricchetti, but I usually wound up going to bed in a t-shirt. I raced upstairs to take a quick shower and put on something decent.
Decent turned out to be a pair of frayed denim shorts and a green t-shirt. For a moment, I had some self-doubt. What was I doing inviting Wyatt to my home? What if someone saw his car parked in my driveway?
It was parked here yesterday and you didn’t care.
More like I didn’t have time to focus on that with all the activity fluttering about. Plus, it was my son’s special day. All my focus was on him and making his day everything he wanted.
You should still be grieving.
Why are you putting on makeup?
Why did you invite the man who is coaching your son over?
You’re ridiculous with your emotions all over the place. You just lusted after him a few weeks ago now you’re feeling bad about inviting him over?
Judy Judgerson had reared her ugly head. I dabbed concealer under my eyes and then applied a bit of blush and mascara.
Blowing out a heavy breath, I dried my hair. It’s been nineteen months since Carter died. Am I supposed to feel disloyal if I share a meal with a person of the opposite gender or find a man attractive?
Sluts have to eat too—Judy would say. And one more thing, don’t listen to your sister. Ryleigh lives in la la land and has never been married. She just wants you to get laid so that you two can swap dating stories.
Judy and the grief police lurked, waiting for any moment to make me feel bad about my life choices. If someone were to write my story, the reviews would be littered with shit like this from Judy and her posse.
Fuck Judy. She can kiss my ass.