Jenny
The days following having my say to Bertram were - dare I even think it - happy.
There was no other way to describe them
It had taken me an almost embarrassingly long time to realize what the light, warm, buzzing feeling inside was.
At first, I had attributed it to the sex, the deep contentedness my well-used body felt from Noah's hands, mouth, and, well, other parts as well.
I always found the term 'sexual awakening' corny and embarrassing. That is, of course, until I had my own. Better late than never. I felt insatiable. I would just find my breath after one session in which he brought me to orgasm half a dozen times, and my body was ready for another round. I found power in bed with Noah, this man who wanted nothing but to make me feel good. I could take the lead, make demands, show him what I liked. Those were things I had never had the privilege to know before.
They were a drug.
And I was shamelessly addicted.
Staff no longer an issue, we devoured each other in every room of the house. And, oddly, it felt like we were reclaiming them, painting over the bad memories of Teddy's cruel hands on me with the delicious new ones of Noah's hands driving me up, over, and through orgasm after orgasm.
I was sure nothing could dim the light I felt bathed in.
Until Noah pulled me aside and told me that Quin wanted to have a meeting.
I don't know why I found him so intimidating since Noah was nicknamed The General, he was the one they called in for the butt-whoopings, the intimidation, the strong-handing whereas Quin was just the mastermind of the whole organization.
But there was a pit of worry in my belly the whole morning as I tried to psych myself up for it, finding myself climbing into my old clothes, feeling like they acted as some kind of shield.
"Relax," Noah demanded, giving my thigh a squeeze as he parked his truck.
I looked down, swearing that the thigh in question looked a bit wider than it had the last time I saw his hand settled there like that. And that was only maybe a week before. Maybe it was time to start joining him in his grueling before-sunrise workouts he was religious about once I had invited him to use the gym in the basement.
If for no other reason than to watch that muscular back of his contort and contract while he worked it out.
Yeah, that was some motivation.
"He sounds intimidating."
"Alright. I'll give you that," he said, giving me a small smile.
"Gee, you're not even going to try to tell me he isn't intimidating?"
"Wouldn't want me to lie to you, would you?" he asked, hopping out of the truck to jog around the hood to open my door. "Don't worry. It won't be bad. He just wants to go over your file, square things up."
Square things up.
Like the bill.
Which I now had the power to pay since I changed all the passwords and cards to all the accounts so that even if Bertram wanted to spy on my spending, he would have no way to do so.
My belly wobbled a bit at signing over that check, a large part of me worried that that might be it for Noah and me.
I mean, not it.
He'd been pretty clear about his intentions, talking about things like futures, about how we'd spend the summer which was still many months off.
But it would be the end to having him solely to myself. Maybe it was selfish of me to keep wanting that, to drag out this fantasy world where we were the only two people that existed.
It would have to end sooner or later.
He had a job, friends, a life.
Outside of me.
And while I was hoping that someday he would include me in his friend group, in his whole world, I knew that things like that took time, that I couldn't expect to be his everything. Ever. He had to have a life outside of me. And I would have to have a life outside of him as well.
I made a mental note to text Maren back, meet her for coffee or something, make normal, healthy connections for myself as well, give myself a social network for the times when he couldn't be around. Because, from the sound of things, his work didn't just take him away for long days. No. At times, he would be gone for days on end. Maybe even weeks if the job was international.
I couldn't latch on and follow him around the world.
What's more, I refused to be that woman. The clinging sort. The kind who made a man her entire universe.
Teddy had been my universe for far too long already. And while the situations were wholly different, the unhealthiness of them was the same.
"There she is," Lincoln's voice called, warm, welcoming, and - more importantly in the moment - familiar after we stepped in the front door to the very gray and black reception area where a red-headed woman who I knew as Jules - fiancée to Kai, collector of snow globes, and the glue that held the office together was behind a high desk, typing furiously on her keyboard. "How you doing, gorgeous?" he asked, coming up to press a kiss into my cheek as though we were the oldest of friends instead of distant acquaintances. "You look nervous."
"Nervous?" another voice asked. "About meeting m..." the voice trailed off as the owner moved into the opening in the hallway, looking over at us. "Well now," he said, giving me a smile, the kind that lit his blue eyes."I guess meeting me is not the right phrase, is it, Jennifer?"
"Bellamy?" I asked, turning a confused look at Noah. I mean, he'd said they had a team member named Bellamy who was known for getting in all sorts of interesting situations. But I guess I had never put two and two together.
This Bellamy, he was someone who jumped in and out of my social circle, who had the kind of money that these people I once associated with respected, but had no interest in the world per se. One night he was there, dragging someone's wife off to someplace, then dropping her back off saucer-eyed and happy for the first time in her life. Then was gone, not to be heard from again for a year or so.
"I would say I'm surprised," Noah said, shaking his head. "But you can't walk down any street in any country of the world without someone knowing this fuck," he said, shaking his head.
"He steals away the wives of the people from the club," I told him, a smile pulling at my lips.
"And return them happier than when I took them."
"Yeah yeah yeah," another voice said, deep, serious, but there was lightness underneath it too. "We get it. Everyone loves your ass. Go do some work or something."
"Hey, I was under the impression that I was brought in here to be wooed into working for you," Bellamy declared with a smirk. "All I get is abuse."
"And a nice paycheck," the man who had to be Quin declared. "Regardless of the fact that you have yet to do any work."
"Hey... I helped Jules file. Now, didn't I, Jules?"
"Actually," Jules said, lips twitching, "you kept trying to pull the files from my hands, telling me we'd have more fun if you taught me to tango instead."
"I still stand by that," Bellamy said, shrugging. "And I also brought Kai coffee like a good little office worker."
"It had three fingers of whiskey," the man who was clearly Kai said as he moved into the reception area.
"See what I have to put up with?" Bellamy asked, looking at me. "I bet you would let me teach you how to tango," he added.
"I already know how," I told him, remembering the dance lessons that had been insisted on early on in my marriage. As though anyone needed to know how to foxtrot anymore.
"Ah, yeah, that schmuck of a father-in-law would have insisted on that. For appearances. Was happy to hear about your husband's timely death," he added with an inappropriately large smile.
"Bellamy," Jules hissed.
"What?" he shot back, shaking his head.
"She's a client," Jules added in a whisper even though I could clearly hear her.
"Client. As in client," Bellamy repeated, looking at me with knowing eyes. "Good for fucking you. I hoped it hurt him half as much as that time he busted your rib before the Inner City Rehabilitation dinner did."
Christ.
Did everyone know Teddy beat me?
"Thought about doing it myself then," he added, making my gaze snap up. "Oops. Guess Smith didn't tell you about me, huh?"
"He said I would likely rather not know."
"He's The Executioner," Quin declared. "And if we're done bullshitting, I have a meeting with Mrs. Ericsson."
I tried not to stiffen at the name, wondering how soon I could change it, how complicated it would be. Paperwork. It would be a lot of paperwork. A day at the DMV.
It would be worth it.
I never wanted to be called by his last name again.
"Jenny," Noah corrected as his hand met my lower back, steering me through his group of co-workers. "Call her Jenny."
"So, Jenny," Quin said from behind his large dark desk. "I heard you told off the senator."
"I, ah, yeah..."
To that, his lips tipped up. "Wish I could have been there for that. Voted against that fuck three elections in a row. If only average citizens knew how corrupt that fuck really is, his career would be over. Anyway, you can wipe that scared puppy look off your face. I'm not giving you the third degree. I like to meet the high-profile clients. But I know Smith has been keeping an eye on you." His gaze lowered to where Noah's hand was on my knee. "Among other things. Are any of us going to end up not dating a client?" he asked, looking at Noah with a head shake.
"Well, what do you expect of workaholics?" Noah shot back. "Besides, Kai didn't end up with a client."
"Don't remind me. You know Jules forgot to restock the printer paper? Jules. Jules forgot," he added as though it was the most preposterous thing in the world. And, well, from what I heard about Jules being a micromanager, I guess that was a fair enough response.
"Give her some slack. Her wedding is coming up."
"Guess you found your date for it too," Quin said with a smile. "Anyway," he added, pushing a file toward me. "I just need your signature on the papers here. Then you guys can head out."
"What?" I asked when Noah led me back out twenty minutes later, his brows furrowed.
"I checked in yesterday. Lincoln said the paperwork pile was still almost toppling."
"And?"
"And that bastard only had five files on his desk," he said, sounding awestruck at the very idea.
"I guess that is why he's the boss," I mused as we decided to forego the car, take a walk down the street toward She's Bean Around.
"Jenny?" Noah asked when he realized I had fallen back a few steps, my gaze fixed toward a side street. "What's the matter?" he asked, his gaze following mine, seeing nothing but the storefronts. "Did you see someone?" he pressed when I said nothing, finding myself suddenly paralyzed, everything within me numb. "Sweetheart?" he asked, moving in front of me, reaching to snag my chin, tilting it up. "Who was it?" he pressed.
A ghost.
A ghost from my past.
The last time I had seen his face was on the most shameful day of my life, my body and mind slow and thick - molasses trying to climb upward, an impossible feat.
He'd been sitting behind a table in a black suit, his face overgrown with at least a week's worth of a beard, his face sunken, his eyes trained on the wood in front of him.
Listening to me lie.
Listening to me save myself by condemning him.
There wasn't a day in my life that I didn't think of him, didn't think of the verdict I heard, the life he must have led behind bars.
It was the constant, ever-present weight on my shoulders I couldn't have shrugged off if I wanted to. But I didn't. I wanted it there, dragging me down into the ground a bit. I deserved that. I deserved worse than that.
"Mallick," Noah guessed, the name making my head snap up, finding his worried gaze on me.
More brown than green in concern, in this light.
"His wife owns Phallus-ophy," he said, the words not quite registering. "The local sex toy shop," he added. "It's down that street. He's probably visiting her at work. Jenny, wait," he called, reaching to try to grab my wrist as I turned, started moving toward the crosswalk. "Maybe think this through," he urged, holding a hand up to a car that laid on its horn as I moved out without really stopping to look.
It was useless though.
I couldn't listen to reason, not at that moment, not knowing that I had never done it.
Apologized.
Begged for his forgiveness.
Even if I didn't deserve it.
I was vaguely aware of a giant penis statue to my side as I walked in the door, the line of strap-ons displayed under a 'Buy one, get one half off' sign.
At the counter ahead, two heads turned, the woman's smile warm and welcoming - the smile any shop employee or owner gave a potential customer.
The man's gaze moved over me, then shot a light-blue-eyed confused look at Smith before they settled on me again, recognizing, understanding.
He pushed away from the desk, moving to take a step toward me as my feet carried me forward.
I wasn't sure what my plan was, what words I had wanted to say.
All I knew was something within me shattered when I was close to this man whose life I had ruined, whose family I had destroyed, whose future I had irrevocably changed because I hadn't been strong enough to endure, hadn't been brave enough to put a foot down, accept whatever consequences might come my way.
It was the pain of a thousand bones breaking all at once, reducing me to dust, stealing any strength left in my legs, sending me crumbling forward as the tears appeared and streamed out of nowhere.
"I'm so sorry."
The words sobbed out of me as I fell.
Hands caught me before I hit the ground.
But not from behind.
Not the ever-present arms of Noah.
No.
These closed around me from in front of me, pulling me close to an unfamiliar chest that didn't smell like sawdust.
I was pulled back up onto my feet, supported fully by his arm anchoring me to his chest, his other hand going to the back of my head as the words tumbled out over and over.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'msosorry. I'msosorry. I'msosorry. I'msosorry. I'msosorry. I'msosorry. I'msosorry. I'msosorry. I'msosorry. I'msosorry. I'msosorry. I'msosorry. I'msosorry. I'msosorry. I'msosorry. I'msosorry.
I was vaguely aware of a low, soothing sound of someone shushing me as my cheek rested on a shirt wet through with my tears.
"It's okay," Eli said when I was finally silent.
"It's not," I objected, pulling against his hold, scrubbing furiously at my cheeks, angry at myself for accepting comfort from a man from whom I didn't deserve it.
"Don't know how well you remember that night," he said, tilting my chin up. "Can't imagine it was well. You were barely conscious by the time I came upon you, face beaten unrecognizable. He was going to kill you," he added. "I don't know what he was on, but he was out of his mind. And he was going to kill you."
"I lied on the stand," I told him, trying to keep it together even if the urge to cry until I was dried out was almost overwhelming. "The only reason you lost almost a decade of your life was because of me."
"No," he said, shaking his head, giving me a small smile. "The reason I went to prison was because I beat a man. I was guilty of that, Jennifer," he said, shrugging. "I was guilty of that hundreds of times over. I can't even tell you how many men I have beaten in my life. And got off Scot-free. No consequences. Even when someone had to pull me off of someone before I killed them in my rage. Going away was only a matter of time. I'm glad if I had to go away, I did it for a reason. Not just because it was the family business. And I was too chickenshit to tell them that I wanted to follow a different path."
"You might never have gone to prison if it wasn't for me. You don't know that."
"Maybe not," he agreed, knowing there was no way we could know what life had in store for us. "But if I didn't go away when I did, my dog would never have been left alone outside a coffeeshop, this woman," he said, waving a hand toward the woman at the desk behind him, "never would have taken him in, cared for him, let me know that he was okay. If you didn't get on that stand, I never would have met Autumn. I would never have known love and happiness and a path that didn't involve senseless violence that never came naturally to me."
"You spent years of your life in a jail cell."
"Made some interesting friends," Eli said, giving me a smile that didn't have any restraint, genuinely not holding onto any hard feelings. "Got good at art. Found the strength to tell my family I wanted a different life when I got out. Blessings come in unexpected packages sometimes, honey. Getting locked up, in the fucked up way that fate works, was the best thing that ever happened to me. So there's no reason for you to feel so guilty. If there is one thing I've learned in life, it's that shit happens for a reason. This all happened for a reason."
He made it sound so easy to believe.
I wanted so badly to believe it.
"Listen, bitch," a new voice entered the space from a back room, bringing with her the smell of Chinese food. "The next time you send me to pick up your food, the least you can do is put it under my name so they don't have a shitfit like I am some Chinese food thief. Who pays for the food just to throw them off my scent. Oh, hey," she said, dropping the bags on the counter with a flourish, reaching up to yank the hood off her head, revealing mermaid-colored hair. "It's always fun when couples come in. Are you guys in the market for a good cock ring? I have some recommendations."
"Peyton," Autumn hissed.
"What? I'm trying to help make a sale here. What's the problem? We're all a bunch of pervs here. Are you not cock ring fans? Are you here for a solid spreader bar? Because Autumn has a good recommendation for that."
"Oh, God," Autumn said, shaking her head, making her blonde hair dance.
"Did somebody die or something?" Peyton asked, clearly not one for 'reading a room.'
"Her husband actually," Autumn said, giving the woman a hard look.
"And you're up on some new strange already?" Peyton asked, eyeing up Noah appreciatively. "Good for you, girl. You do you. Or, more accurately, let him do you."
I wasn't sure, but I could have sworn I heard Autumn mutter something about manners.
"Peyton," Eli said, clearly trying to hold back a smile. "This is Jennifer Ericsson."
"Ericsson. Ericsson. Why do I know that... oh," she said, pressing her lips together, looking entirely guilty, but amused at her own faux pas. "Whoops. So, yeah, I'm, Peyton. Autumn's sister. Eli's favorite sister-in-law. It's okay," she said to Eli, patting his arm. "I know you can't say it out loud, but you tell me with your eyes all the time. So anyway. Congratulations on your husband's death. I see you have upgraded fantastically."
"I would apologize for her, but that would probably only encourage her, to be perfectly honest," Autumn said, shaking her head.
"It's okay," I told her, feeling the last of the tears dry on my lashes. "I admire her candor," I added. "I'm sorry. I'm being so rude. This is," I started, half-turning so that Noah could move in beside me.
"Smith," Eli supplied, making Noah's brow raise. "Might not be in the game anymore, but my brothers are. Her man is," he added, waving a hand toward Peyton. "So are Mark's in-laws. So I am still kept pretty up-to-date on all the players in town. I'm gonna take a wild guess and say you finally realized you had some power after all. That's why this particular man is standing here with you. I'm happy for you."
"Eli..." I started, head shaking, feeling guilty all over again that he would be so gracious as to be happy for me and my freedom.
"I worried about you," he cut me off. "Sitting inside. I worried about you just about every day. Knowing that fuck still had control over you. You could barely move your mouth in court," he added, giving me a knowing look. "It was too long after the night I beat him. It wasn't from that beating you took. He beat you again. To get you to testify, I always imagined."
"Yes." The sound was a whisper, but he heard me in the small space.
"I couldn't figure out why they had to testify when I wasn't exactly fighting the charges," he admitted.
"Bertram didn't want it hitting the news circuits that Teddy beat me.
"Fuck," he growled, hands curling up into fists before he took a few deep breaths, seeming to try to calm himself back down. It was a fascinating sight. Like Bruce Banner trying to hold back the Hulk. "Guess it doesn't look good for re-election that you raised a wife-beating bastard of a son."
"Exactly,"I agreed even though something within me cringed. I wondered when I would be seen as something other than a battered woman, when people would stop looking at me with pity.
Time.
It would just take time.
As all things did.
"I'm glad you came here," Eli said, reaching out to squeeze my wrist. "I wanted to reach out so many times, but I figured it would only be worse for you if I tried."
It would have been.
"I'm sorry I cried all over you."
He waved his hand at that. "I figure you have a lot on your plate now, but one day, we should catch up. I'd like to be in touch."
"I'd like that too," I admitted, knowing that this only assuaged a small bit of my guilt, that maybe if I saw him more, if I saw him happy, saw him with his people, I would feel better about the whole situation, would maybe even start to see it as he did. Fate. A horrible thing that led to other things we never could have foreseen.
Maybe there was a reason for everything.
Maybe there was a grander design.
And maybe, possibly, the man I had thought I had condemned to an unfair fate could be the one to show that to me.
"Take care of her," Eli added, looking over at Noah, his tone fierce.
"Ooh, he's getting good at that," Peyton said, smiling. "The protective big brother thing," she clarified to our blank looks. "It was nice meeting you guys too. And, hey, when the honeymoon phase of nonstop fuckery wears off, stop back in. We cater to all kinks. We even have stuff for vanilla people," she added with just the slightest bit of confusion in her tone, as though being vanilla in her cotton candy world was something that made no sense whatsoever.
Suddenly very aware of being surrounded by dildos and vibrators and butt plugs, my cheeks went a little pink.
"I'll keep that in mind," I said, backing up a bit. "We'll let you get back to your food. Thank you for taking a moment to talk to me."
"Jennifer," Eli called, making me stop and turn back. "Get in touch with me sometime. He'll know how," he added, jerking his chin at Noah. "Or I am going to have to track you down."
With that, we moved back out of the store, walking in silence back up the side street onto the main road where I finally stopped, taking a deep breath.
"You okay?"
"I think I can finally answer that with a yes," I admitted, giving him a smile I felt down to my marrow.
And then Noah's arm went around me.
He leaned in to press a kiss to my temple.
And everything, everything was perfect.