December 2012

Since she started wearing that large rock on her ring finger again, this is one of the days I have been dreading, for months. Looking out my window, my body betrays me as I find my hands clenched and my eyes glued to her. Not only do I have to look on as my jealousy grows, but those women are loud as fuck. All these party guests spreading their good news my way but it isn’t fucking good news, not for me anyway. However, I can’t help but be happy for her. No one knew how much I had cared and I won’t fucking admit it to anyone except myself.

What I felt for Justine went far beyond platonic. When I opened up to her about my parent’s deaths; then went inside her house to get us beer, I was going to take a chance and finally ask her out. To my surprise, stood the man who’d abandoned her three months earlier. I left immediately like any decent man would have, leaving those beers on the railing of her porch.

After two weeks, it was obvious that she was back together with him and those damn beers I had left on the railings stood there mocking me about how close I got to her. I finally threw those fuckers away as I said goodbye to what could have been.

When her boyfriend left her, she was devastated. For three months, I saw her often, as our friendship strengthened. We'd hang out at her house since mine would remind her of the douche who'd left.

What’s worse for my bruised ego is the fact that Nick isn’t a douche; he really is a good guy who made a fucked-up mistake. Justine, the girl who I was falling for more by the second, did the right thing when she forgave him simply because she loved him. It was evident in the way her eyes danced whenever his name was mentioned. Still, I see it in her eyes, nearly seven months later, as they plan this wedding and their life together.

Now, shy of a month before their wedding, all the fun pre-wedding festivities have started. Justine has no idea how much I was falling for her. I wasn’t even conscious that I was falling for her at first either, not until I had a strong awareness of how my heart had beat differently around her.

It was never difficult finding a gal that was mine, even if that time was short and sweet. I don’t do messy. Although that doesn't explain why my breath quickens as Justine immerges to greet Hildy. It’s bad when I know her friends. We spent hours with a couple beers on her porch as she told me about the whole sordid gang of people that she considered family. I knew she trusted me when she opened up about the loss of her best friend. 

I saw a glimmer of hope that morning before Nick returned. If I had to describe it, I would say I had this flitter and lighthearted feeling. Girls would define it as butterflies the day I intended to tell Justine how I felt. What the fuck is wrong with me? I’m a dude and I’m talking about butterflies. 

I’ve got to get out of here and right in this moment, I realize I’m due a vacation. I haven’t taken one in years due to my boss being a fucking bitch. But now, she can take her assignments and shove them up her fucking pussy for all I care. That is about the only action that part of her body will have received in years anyway.

Picking up my phone, I think of Christmas in the warmth of the Florida sun. This is what I need. Waiting for my sister to pick up, she cuts to the chase, not even saying hello when she answers, “I was just about to call you, big brother.”

The sound of her cheery voice puts a smile on my face as I continue to punish myself, watching more guests arrive. I see Nick’s daughter and that is when it hits, falling for someone and putting myself out there fucking sucks.

I forget that Hannah is chatting on her end when she finally says, “Jake, Jake, are you listening to me?”

“No,” I say when I hear her gasp. 

“Well, thanks for the honesty. So, I guess I should repeat myself about Christmas plans.”

“Oh, see, we are so much alike, sis. That’s what I was calling about. I wanted to come visit you for Christmas.”

In her sigh, I know I’ve missed something important. “What, Hannah?”

“That is what I was saying, Jake. Sylvie and I are going to Maine for Christmas. I mean, you’re welcomed to come with us, but I won a trip to the Caymans. It’s ten days in the sun and surf but I already have my plane ticket and ski resort booked.”

The second she says Sylvie, I grit my teeth. I’m glad that I’m not near my sister with the pinched expression I feel taking over my face. Stiffness in my neck and jaw accompany the emotions I feel at the onset of her name. Fucking Sylvie! How can I ever tell Hannah they aren’t the best friends she thinks they are? What the fuck does Sylvie have planned, I wonder. She always has something that is underhanded and I’ve warned her on many occasions to stay the fuck away from my sister.

“What do you mean, a trip to the Caymans?” I ask. I hate the snow and skiing. Why is it that my boss knows my little sister’s plans when I don’t?

“I had entered in the spring. The letter with all the information got lost in my mail and they called me a couple weeks ago. They said I could gift it so I’m gifting this holiday package to you.”

“Are you sure it is legit?” I ask. This is what happens when you have a brother with the type of job I have, not that Hannah knows this. She thinks I’m in exports and imports with a startup company in China. Hell, everyone thinks this.

“Of course, it is such a wonderful place and let me mention, it is gorgeous. I’ve been there before with Sylvie. That’s how I had entered. Remember when I went on a trip in the spring? Seriously, Jake, I know you’re grumpy with your hot sexy neighbor marrying, well—not you,” she says and the sting hurts. I’m not the sort of man that ever cared about settling down. My job has never allowed me the security of a possible family but with Justine, she showed me I really did want what I never thought I might. Anyway, maybe my job has run its course. It would allow me to break ties with Sylvie and more important, come clean with Hannah. 

“So, what is it, Jake? Maine with me and Sylvie or the Caymans by yourself?” she asks.

As much as I love my sister and want to spend time with her, that means I’d have to endure Sylvie and I can’t stomach her on a professional level. Why would I torture myself on a personal level? It is no surprise when I say, “Caymans, Hannah, and thanks.”

Hannah squeals that same annoying girl cry that she had when she was younger. Taking the phone away from my ear to ensure I can still hear on my trip, she continues, “I’ll work on the transfer for everything. Expect the tickets in your email in the next couple of days.” Hanging up the phone, I curse. As much as I need out of here, I wanted my holidays to be quiet with the only living woman that I’d lay down my life for. 

I then think what Sylvie could be up to and with her, my mind wanders to the worse scenarios though she promised me repeatedly that she became friends with Hannah by happenstance. Then again, I don’t trust the narcissistic sociopath that has caused so much heartbreak in my life.

Walking away from my torture at the window, I head toward my office for a whole new type of torture, calling my boss, the bane of my existence. Retrieving my secure phone from my locked drawer, I enter the security code; I’m transferred immediately to Sylvie. Boy, I hate this bitch.

Like Hannah, those in my personal life are not aware that Sylvie and I have a working relationship. When they see the dread that accompanies my face when her name is mentioned, they think I have a history with her, in a sexual way. Sure, when we met, I thought she was attractive and I felt we could have something for a night, at least. Then she revealed her true colors when she recruited me and it has been a hate/hate relationship since.

“Ah, Jacob. I was wondering when I would be hearing from my favorite guy.” Her voice is a steely and screechy sound that is worse than fingernails on a chalkboard.

“Sylvie, cut to the fucking chase. What are your plans and why is my sister going all the way up to fucking Maine with you?”

She sighs over the phone, “I adore your sister. I swear, when it comes to Hannah, I’m not the overbearing bitch you think I am.” I choke on her words because she’s the overbearing bitch, always. For my sister, she masks it, as though she’s covering her persona with a Band-Aid, just for her. “We’re going up to ski, you know your sister and her love for snow.”

She’s not wrong, Hannah loves to ski. “Somehow, you have proven time and time again, I can’t trust you,” I say as a warning.

“Hannah is always safe with me. She’s the only person I can call a friend. I swear.” She pauses and sounds almost sincere but over the years I’ve known Sylvie, I realize she lies like some people drink water. It is second nature to her. “So, Hannah said she was going to invite you to Maine,” she casually says.

“I’m not going. I’m sure ten days in a small cabin with you and me could be very dangerous for all of us.” I add, “I’m sure you know about this holiday package she won. She wants me to take it.”

“Oh, in passing, but I didn’t know she could just give it away.”

I don’t want to go into the reason for my quick departure from Spokane, Washington to the Caymans, yet she must know for logistical reasons. “Can you give me ten days off?” 

“Of course, Jacob. You’re not the only person I can use, you know.” 

Then why suddenly am I taking all the fucking “trips” to China? is what I want to ask yet I keep my mouth shut. “Then we agree, I’m off the grid from December 20^th to the 30^th, right?” I ask hopefully.

“Yes, you deserve it, especially now. I know you were looking for a normal life with your neighbor.” Now in her tone, she’s taunting me. I know Sylvie well enough that her laugh is the I’m so pleased with myself sort of chuckle.

How the fuck did she know? She’s fucking Sylvie, of course she knows and this time, I’m sure she didn’t get it from Hannah. “Is any part of my life off limits to you?” 

“Ah, Jacob, you know better than that.” Not even able to mix pleasantries, I hang up the phone before I screw up the only vacation I’ll have in years. All my fake trips to China don’t count.