Chapter Fifteen
Mornings off were rare. Between unpacking, setting up, sound checks, media interviews, and fan events, most days began early and kept on trucking until the concert. If they were lucky, they got a nap or decent meal in there somewhere. However, today was an anomaly, with nothing scheduled until the late afternoon…and, even stranger, the entire crew was crammed together inside Kid Central instead of off doing their own things around town.
“Dude, I’m telling you, he’s a future drummer in there.”
“Why’s it got to be a he, huh?” Sherry asked with a grin, patting Nate’s hand over her rounded belly. “Girls make kick-ass drummers, too, you know. In fact, there’s this girl, Jazz, in one of my books who’s absolutely—”
“Ahh!” Nate slammed his hands on either side of his head. “My virgin ears can’t handle hearing about another one of your books. I’m still recovering from the last one you told us about.” Of course, he waggled his eyebrows as he said this, and Arabella snorted.
“Nate, the day any part of you is considered virginal is the day I become a nun.”
The group cracked up, and the drummer blew their manager a kiss, then resumed feeling Sherry’s stomach for another punch or kick. She and Tyler had opted to be surprised this time, not wanting to know the gender of the baby percolating in her belly, but the guys were all convinced it’d be a boy. According to Nate, a future boy drummer.
Making a quick sweep of the bus, Deacon took in the scene around him. His friends, laughing and joking. Hannah seated beside him with Max on her lap, a set of red headphones in place as he watched Super Why on the iPad. He honestly wasn’t sure how to feel.
On the one hand, he was happy. His knee-jerk plan hadn’t panned out. The au pair agency he’d called hadn’t had anyone who could come out on such short notice, and admittedly, he’d felt a small sense of relief when he’d hung up. That alone proved he didn’t deserve Hannah.
On the other hand, he genuinely believed she’d be happier in Willow Creek. Convincing her to take the job without a replacement already worked out, though, would be difficult. The woman could be stubborn as hell when she wanted to be.
The only thing going for him in this whole mess was that he hadn’t asked her to stay for the international tour yet. That would’ve made it impossible.
Hannah caught him staring at her and beamed up at him like he hung the moon. It hit him straight in the chest.
“Personally, I think it’s gonna be another girl,” Arabella announced, swatting Nate’s hands away and replacing them with her own. “We have enough testosterone around here as it is. Us women need more backup.”
“Amen!” Hannah agreed, which led to a spirited debate over which was more annoying: the guys’ bad habit of leaving around dirty socks, or the girls cluttering the bathroom with their beauty crap.
A knock on the bus door floated over the chaos and Sherry called out, “Come in!”
They were parked behind the venue, but with their fortress of security, no one was getting through without proper authorization. Whoever was outside was clearly vetted. A second later, the door opened and a young woman appeared trudging up the stairs.
The suitcase in her hand was Deacon’s first sign of doom.
As Charlie and Miles looked to Nate, obviously assuming she was there for him, Tyler stood and said, “Uh, can we help you?”
The young woman fidgeted with the handle on her bag and swept the group with her gaze. “I’m here from the au pair agency?”
The clear question mark at the end of that statement echoed in the faces of his friends.
Deacon’s blood went cold.
Tyler immediately shot him a look while Sherry set her hand on the back of the bench, pushing to her feet. “I’m sorry, but I think you’re confused. We don’t need an au pair.” She gestured toward Hannah, who’d wrapped her arms tightly around Max. “We already have a nanny, an exceptional one, right here.”
The newcomer shifted uncomfortably. “My agency received a call a couple days ago…from a Deacon Latrell?”
Deacon winced as Hannah went completely still. Sherry’s murderous gaze fell on him.
“We were told the current nanny was going home unexpectedly, and that there’d be a healthy bonus if a replacement could meet you on tour this week. My schedule cleared last night, so I grabbed the first flight out here.”
The entire room went silent, and Deacon watched as one by one, the band turned to look at Hannah. Only Sherry kept her eyes on him…well, Sherry and Hannah, but he couldn’t face her yet. As it was, he was almost certain he was having a heart attack.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not here, not in front of everyone. The agency was supposed to call if they found someone. If they ever did, then he’d discuss the preschool gig with Hannah. He’d convince her that she had to live her own life and that she couldn’t put it on hold for him. He refused to hold her back anymore.
But he was supposed to have time.
Knowing he had to say something, Deacon cleared his throat and opened his mouth. But what could he say? Panicked, he swung his gaze to Charlie, and his friend’s mouth pressed into a thin line.
“What’s your name, sweetheart?” Charlie asked.
“Mary,” the young woman answered, looking around the room confused.
He nodded and took her bag. “Well, Mary, what do you say we head over to the other bus and put your stuff down?” He glanced at the rest of the crew still standing around. “Let’s give these two a minute.”
As the guys shuffled out the door, escorting Mary away, Sherry grabbed Lizzie and Arabella came to take Max. “Hey, buddy,” she said, scooping him into her arms. “Come hang out with Aunt Ella for a little while, okay?”
Innocent of the drama around him, Max went easily, still watching his show, and Hannah whispered a thank-you. The hollow sound of her voice, and the look of disappointment in Arabella’s eyes when she glanced his way, nearly broke him.
Once the door closed behind their friends, Hannah whispered, “I’m going home unexpectedly?”
So much pain and confusion in one question. Deacon’s entire body tensed, wanting to sweep her into his arms and explain, to kiss away the hurt, but how could he, when he was the one who caused it? He’d always known one of his screw ups would burn her eventually. He just hadn’t expected it to be one intended to help.
Shifting to face her, Deacon took a deep breath. The truth was, he knew Hannah better than she knew herself. If she thought, even for a second, that he needed her there, or that he regretted his hasty decision, she’d jump on the chance to understand and somehow convince him that she wanted to stay. Despite her dreams or what was best for her. Despite the pain that he’d just caused.
She’d stay and end up despising him. She’d blame him for ruining her life, just like Krista. Deacon wouldn’t survive that. He had to push her away, for her own good, and he had to say what she needed to hear to do the right thing for herself.
“You deserve more than this, Cherry.” Deacon looked down into heartbroken eyes and gave her a sad smile. “You know you do. This wasn’t your life goal. You stepped up to fill a needed position, and we’re all grateful, but this was only ever temporary. You didn’t bust your ass to graduate first in your class to become a tour bus nanny. You wanted to change children’s lives.”
Hannah shook her head with tears sliding down her cheeks. “I can still change children’s lives, right here on tour. With Max and Lizzie and Bagel Bite.”
She sounded so sure that for a nanosecond Deacon let himself believe this could be enough. That a life with him on a crowded bus would make her happy, and that he could actually keep her. But that wasn’t his life. He didn’t get to keep nice things. People left him, they all did eventually whether in body or mind, and most never gave him a second thought.
Clearly, they couldn’t stay together. Long distance wouldn’t work. Hell, he’d screwed up this badly and they still lived together. He couldn’t imagine the damage miles could add. Expectations, frustration, insecurity. Paris had driven him insane and they’d only been friends. No, if he’d had any doubts before, this put them to rest—Hannah deserved better than him.
“What are your plans, Hannah?” he asked instead. “Where do you see this going? Play it out, ten years from now when Max is thirteen, are you still here with us on the road? Is this the story of your life? Spending the next ten years playing wet nurse while I’m performing on stage. Is that what you’re going to amount to? A glorified babysitter to a fiddle player?”
Hannah reared back like he’d physically touched her, and the pain crossing her face had him gritting his teeth to keep from taking it back. But he had to push forward. This was what she needed. It was probably why she’d never told him about the preschool opportunity over the last couple days, either, because she wouldn’t be able to hide how much she wanted the job. It was also why he couldn’t bring it up now.
Hannah had so much to give. He couldn’t stifle that anymore.
“Listen, I appreciate you coming here, putting your life on hold to help me out like you always do. Because of you, Max is thriving, and it’s been like old times having you with us. But this job is a waste of your time and your talent, Cherry. You know that.”
She shook her head. “No, I don’t know that. How can being with you, sharing what we have, and loving on that beautiful little boy, be a waste of time?” Her wet eyes beseeched him. “This is exactly where I’m supposed to be.”
Pressure mounted behind Deacon’s eyes, and he figured he was seconds away from losing it. He desperately wanted to fall on his knees and plead for forgiveness, beg her to stay, and she’d do it, too, because that was who Hannah was. But he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if she grew to despise him for making her discard her dreams. He couldn’t put Max through that, either.
Deacon cared too much about her to let any of that happen. So, he said what he had to say to make her leave. “No, it’s not. Go home to North Carolina, Hannah. There’s nothing for you here.”
…
Hours later, Hannah still couldn’t stop crying. She’d managed to hide the sniffles from the kids, but it was harder with her girlfriends. Arabella had hesitated going to the arena with the guys, but Hannah had practically pushed her out the door, asking Sherry to go with her. She needed time to collect herself, she’d told them, and though it was obvious neither of them wanted to do it, they’d listened after pulling her into a long group hug.
She’d broken down all over again in their arms, but she’d appreciated the gesture. Especially since it’d have to last them for a while.
When Deacon left, he’d told her they would talk when he took her to the airport tonight, but what was the point? Obviously, she’d been fooling herself. He didn’t want her the same way she wanted him, and she’d already made an idiot of herself begging to stay. An awkward, drawn-out good-bye would be painful, and quite honestly, she wasn’t ready to face him again. She was still too embarrassed.
God. She’d actually believed he was falling for her.
She must’ve been delusional.
As much as the truth hurt, and it did, what hurt more was realizing how little he cared about their friendship. Honesty, at least about the big things, had been something they’d both always relied on. If Deacon hadn’t wanted her on tour anymore, he could’ve said something…or given some clue as to what he’d been planning so she wouldn’t be blindsided.
Seriously…who did that??
The final straw was the sympathetic looks everyone had given her before they’d ducked their heads and beelined out of the bus. How humiliating.
Only one thing remained in her control, and that was grabbing hold of the vestiges of her tattered pride and getting out of Dodge before any of them returned to find her a puffy, red-faced, swollen mess. The girls would be hurt she hadn’t said good-bye, but eventually they’d understand.
Wiping her wet face with her fingertips, Hannah raised her chin and walked down the hall.
In the kitchen, the new nanny was setting out a snack while Max and Lizzie watched Caillou…arguably the most annoying kids show on the planet. The nasally main character did absolutely nothing but whine and complain, but then, it wasn’t Hannah’s job to have a say anymore. It was Mary’s job now.
Swallowing back a sob, she set down her bag. “Hey, guys.” Taking a knee, she firmed her voice and said, “Aunt Hannah has to go.”
Lizzie immediately toddled over, giving her a big hug and sloppy kiss before turning back to the television. She was well versed with the routine, telling her daddy good-bye every day. The little sweetheart didn’t realize that this good-bye might be for good, and Hannah was immensely grateful for that. Innocence was kind that way.
As for Max, he approached her with a much more wary look in his eyes, and that look cut Hannah deep. It reminded her that this wasn’t her first time telling him good-bye. She’d already left him once, back when he was too young to realize what was happening. Now he was older and more aware. Over the last month and a half, she’d become his one constant on the road…and she was about to rip that one shred of stability out from beneath him.
Swooping him into her arms, she kissed his chocolate spikes. Damn, she loved this kid. She’d have given anything to be his mama one day. Tears pricked her eyes, but she blinked them away. “You be good for Mary, okay?” she said, leaning back with a sad smile. “Take care of Lizzie, and make sure you get lots of sleeps. You want to grow tall like your daddy, right?”
Max nodded hesitantly, and over his head, Hannah saw her replacement watching with pity in her eyes. She swallowed down the bitterness rising in her throat and smiled at her favorite little boy. “I love you, monkey.”
He clasped his tiny arms around her neck again. “I wuvins you, Hannah.”
Yep, that did it.
A sob broke free, but thankfully, Mary jumped into action. She picked up Max, handed him a graham cracker, and quickly nodded toward the door, silently urging Hannah to make her escape. As childish as it was, she considered not listening simply out of spite, but in the end, she’d only be hurting herself.
Grabbing her bags, she gave the young woman who’d taken her place a forced smile. She gave a final look around the bus, memorizing every detail her gaze traced. The leather, the stainless steel, the crayons on the shelf. Then she rushed down the steps before she blubbered all over again. Out of the bus and straight to the idling cab that was waiting to take her to the airport.