Now
‘What do you mean, he hates you?’
‘I mean he hates me. Do you need me to draw you a diagram or something?’
I was hissing down the phone at Jess from behind a potted plant in King’s Cross station. The vaulted glass ceiling soared above, and the concourse rang out with the hurried voices of passengers rushing to catch their trains. Ours wasn’t scheduled to leave for another hour, so Ethan had taken the rest of the group to St Pancras for lunch at the champagne bar. I’d made up some excuse about buying emergency tights – a pretty bad excuse considering it was July and London was in the grip of a heatwave, but one he accepted unquestioningly – and had darted off to call Jess.
‘I don’t understand. He doesn’t know what happened, right?’
‘No!’ I shouted. A woman pushing a sleeping toddler in a stroller shot me a dirty look and I rolled my eyes at her. ‘No,’ I repeated, more quietly, ‘and he’s not going to, but it doesn’t matter – he still hates me. Actually, it’s more like he’s totally indifferent to me, which is worse if you think about it.’
‘How can he be indifferent to you? You’re adorable!’
‘He looked at me like I was a can of wallpaper paste.’
‘Okay. Well, how do you feel about him?’
‘That’s the problem,’ I said, swallowing hard. ‘I think I still love him.’
‘Holy shit!’
‘It’s ridiculous, right? I don’t even know him anymore, how can I love him? It’s probably just hormones, or exhaustion from the flight or something. Maybe they pump something in the air over here. Anyway, just forget it. Ignore me. I’ll snap out of it. In fact, I feel like I’m already snapping out of it. Yep! It’s totally fine, false alarm.’
‘Ruby, get a grip.’
‘Just forget I ever said anything. Temporary insanity.’
‘Ruby, if you have feelings for him still – and it totally makes sense that you would, considering how you guys left it – you have a duty to yourself to see where they might lead.’
‘Did you not hear the part where I said he thinks I’m wallpaper paste?’
‘He’s probably faking it! I bet he’s secretly roiled up just as much as you are.’
I picked at a stray cuticle. ‘He does not look like a man who gets roiled up.’
‘Why, because he’s rich now? Rich people get roiled!’
‘Stop saying roiled!’ I said, tearing the cuticle off with my teeth and wincing as a tiny bead of blood appeared. ‘And no, not because he’s rich now, because he’s . . . I don’t know. Different. I’m telling you, he doesn’t give a shit about me anymore. There’s nothing there.’
‘Give it time,’ she said. ‘Don’t just shut it down because he hasn’t immediately come running into your arms.’
I sighed and leaned against the cool stone wall of the concourse. The station was a hive of activity, filled with packs of confused tourists whacking into one another with their maps and selfie sticks. I watched a woman push through the barrier gate and sprint towards a man who was waiting for her with outstretched arms. ‘It’s so embarrassing,’ I said. ‘I feel like some idiot teenager.’
‘Love is embarrassing. That’s just the way it is. Let yourself be embarrassed for once.’
I sighed. ‘I should go. I’ve got to go buy tights from somewhere.’
‘What do you need tights for? Is the weather really that bad there?’
‘Long story.’
‘Okay, well, remember what I said. Don’t freak out. Just go with the flow.’
‘You know as well as I do that the last time I went with the flow, I had J. Lo highlights and you were dating a Yankee.’
‘And I stand by both of those choices. I love you.’
‘Love you too. Keep your phone on – I have a feeling I’m going to need you.’
I hung up and headed over to join the others in St Pancras, stopping first to buy tights in Boots and ending up with an armful of exotic-sounding beauty products in the process. I showed Piper my haul when I reached the table.
‘I’m stealing this,’ she said as she inspected the ingredients list on a tub of sugar scrub. ‘And this,’ she added, nudging an overnight serum towards her.
I stuffed them back in the plastic bag. ‘The store is literally two minutes away. I can just take you there and you can buy your own stuff.’
She snatched the bag away. ‘Why would I want to do that? There’s champagne to drink. Here, have some.’ She poured half a glassful and handed it to me. ‘Now,’ she said in a fake whisper, ‘how are you doing about . . . you know.’ She nodded meaningfully towards Ethan, who was seated at the other end of the table and was busy trying to explain to Bob and Barbara why he hadn’t yet met the queen, despite having lived in London for three years and being, as Barbara didn’t tire of pointing out, a Very Important Person.
‘Fine,’ I said. I worried she’d be able to see my heart frantically beating from underneath my thin cotton T-shirt. I loved my sister dearly, but there was no way I was going to tell her the truth about Ethan. The girl couldn’t keep her mouth shut to save her life, and anything I said would go directly back to Charlie . . . which meant it would go straight to Ethan. ‘It was a long time ago. No big deal,’ I added, with what I hoped looked like a nonchalant shrug.
‘Okay, phew! That’s exactly what Ethan said, but I just wanted to make sure you were okay, too. I know it must be awkward, being at a wedding with your ex-boyfriend when you’re still single. Especially your little sister’s wedding.’
‘Thanks for that, Piper.’ I tried not to show my mortification, both over her having spoken to Ethan about me and him confirming my suspicions about how he felt. It was official: I was wallpaper paste.
‘I’m just saying, I would totally understand if you were feeling a little insecure about the whole thing. Especially now that Ethan’s so insanely successful. Did you know that he was voted one of Time magazine’s 100 Most Influential People?’
‘I did not know that.’ Of course I knew that.
‘And he’s in the process of setting up a charity providing tech training for underprivileged kids.’
‘Wow.’
‘I’m just saying, he’s kind of amazing, so I think it’s really impressive that you’re being so cool about it.’
‘Well, like I said, it’s all water under the bridge now.’
‘It’s super brave of you.’
‘Ancient history.’
‘I mean, if it was me, and my ex-boyfriend had turned into this, like, demi-god –’
‘Piper, I’m fine, okay? I appreciate the concern and I’m very happy that you think I’m being brave or whatever, but honestly, I’m totally fine about the whole thing. Completely and totally unaffected.’
‘Okay! Okay! Sheesh, I’m just trying to be a good sister.’
‘I know you are,’ I said, and believe it or not, it was true. Piper was self-obsessed, often infuriating and at times showed a lack of awareness that was truly astonishing, but her heart was in the right place. Most of the time, at least.
‘It’s probably time we made a move,’ Ethan said, leaning away from the table and signaling a passing waiter for the bill. There was a small smile playing at the edges of his mouth and I could tell that he’d overheard our entire conversation. The irrational teenage lust that had gripped my insides since I’d laid eyes on him a few hours ago suddenly flipped to irrational teenage anger.
‘I’ll get this,’ I said, reaching for my bag. ‘Since you got the car here, and the train tickets. You don’t have to pay our way for everything, you know.’
He waved me away. ‘Honestly, it’s fine.’ He slid a credit card into the leather billfold and handed it back to the waiter.
‘Let’s at least split it,’ I said, pulling a card out of my wallet and holding it out to the waiter. I was determined to prove that he wasn’t the only one who had the ability to pay for things. I’m a success, too! I wanted to scream. I’m also considered a Very Important Person in some circles! Or at least an Important Person. Even just a Person. ‘Take it,’ I said to the waiter, waving the card in his direction. ‘Please.’
‘No,’ Ethan said, more insistently this time. ‘I’ve got this.’
‘I don’t see why you should pay for everything,’ I said, narrowing my eyes at him.
‘Because it’s a nice thing to do?’
‘Then why can’t I do a nice thing, too?’ I spat back. I turned back to the waiter. ‘Ignore this man,’ I said, nodding towards Ethan. ‘Put it all on my card.’
‘Shall I come back?’ the waiter asked nervously.
‘No!’ We shouted in unison.
‘This is ridiculous,’ Ethan said. ‘We have a train to catch. If it means that much to you, go ahead and pay the damn bill. Knock yourself out.’
‘Thank you,’ I said loftily, and tried not to blanch visibly when I saw the amount on the card reader the waiter handed me. Do not think about the exchange rate, I chanted in my head as I typed in my PIN.
‘Right,’ Charlie said as he gathered up the bags. ‘Let’s get this show on the road!’