Angel

 

I was in a daze as Trey stood in front of me, yelling until I’d fallen to the floor and covered my eyes with my hands. My whole body was shaking and I wished I could have melted and fallen into the floor. The more he yelled, the more upset I felt. It wasn’t fair, what he was saying! It wasn’t true!

 

“I never thought you weren’t good enough for me,” I said in a quavering voice. It was the first phrase I’d uttered in ten minutes.

 

Trey immediately stopped yelling and stared at me with wide blue eyes. “I don’t believe you,” he scoffed. “Tell me the truth, Angel. Tell me the fucking truth, you got that?”

 

“That is the truth,” I insisted. “I always loved you, Trey.”

 

“That doesn’t mean shit,” Trey snapped. “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t have fucking left!”

 

His words stung, even more than any of the previous accusations he’d lobbed at me. “That isn’t true,” I said, my voice stronger than before. Trey kept his eyes glued to me as I peeled myself off the floor and stood upright, albeit shakily. Suddenly, I was aware of the incredible sexual tension in the room between us. I could have sliced it clean through with a knife.

 

“So?” Trey glared at me. “If that ain’t different, tell me otherwise. Tell me, Angel. I need to fucking know.”

 

I shook my head. “It wasn’t like that, Trey.”

 

Trey blew a stream of air out between his lips. “Enlighten me, then,” he snapped. “Tell me what the fucking truth really is, then, Angel.”

 

I blushed. “My parents hated you,” I said softly. Even just the mention of Mom and Daddy made my heart racer even faster in my chest. “They didn’t like you, and they didn’t want you around me.”

 

“Well that’s fucking obvious!” Trey roared. He crossed his arms over his chest and glared at me. “What else, detective?”

 

I bit my lip. I was getting sick of his shitty attitude, even though I probably deserved it. “My father threatened to hurt you if I didn’t leave you alone,” I said softly. “It was the night of my eighteenth birthday. You know that, Trey. But what I don’t get is why didn’t you come back.” Remembering this was the most painful thing of all. “Daddy told me he was going to hurt you, but then you could have still called me! I was an adult! I could have run away with you!” Bringing this up made all of the hurt from the past seem fresh and new and before long, a fresh wave of sobs had hit me. I sniffled and cried and stared at Trey’s unforgiving blue eyes.

 

“I did,” Trey said flatly. “I showed up the next morning and there was some fucking muscle in the driveway who tried to threaten me and pay me off. Then your mother came out and told me to leave you alone. She said you didn’t want to see me, and she told me if I didn’t leave, she’d call the police.”

 

Trey’s revelation hit me like a ton of bricks. All of these years, I had just supposed he’d stayed away because he’d wanted to stay away. I thought he never wanted to be around me again, and that was why he’d left and never come back. I’d always thought it was my fault for pissing him off that night, for not taking him seriously when he said he wanted to impress my parents. Now I realized just how very wrong I’d actually been.

 

“And then what?” Trey’s eyes bored holes into my body. “Then what happened, Angel?”

 

I blinked. “I couldn’t get in touch with you,” I said softly. “And then Mom and Daddy threw me out. I was on my own with Chuckie for years and years, Trey. They never even called.” The sting of being abandoned was coming back stronger than ever and I had to wipe away a few tears as I remembered just how painful it had felt to be pregnant and alone.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me about Chuckie?” Trey looked angry again. “You didn’t think it was worth it to make sure he grew up with a father? You didn’t think that would be important to him, or to me?”

 

“I didn’t know,” I said softly. The room went silent, dead. Trey blinked at me. It was obvious he’d never even considered that possibility. “I didn’t know for about a month,” I added. “But when I knew, when I found out…” I sighed heavily. “I wanted to contact you. But Mom and Daddy forbade it. They wanted me to have an abortion. When I refused, that’s when they threw me out.”

 

Trey swallowed loudly. He didn’t say anything. The reality, the pain of the situation was crashing down around my shoulders and I felt traumatized. But I was also feeling strangely calm and peaceful inside, like the country air right after a big thunderstorm. I was feeling more levelheaded and rational than I had in days, and it felt good, but kind of scary. It was like I was capable of anything, like I could walk away right then and there and be done with Trey forever. Sure, it would be a huge sacrifice. And I would be miserable. But then at least I wouldn’t have to live with the constant memory of my mistakes, my mistakes that were apparently too egregious for Trey to forgive me.

 

He didn’t say anything. I still felt empowered, bold. When I crossed my arms over my chest and drew myself up to my full height, he looked almost afraid. His blue eyes were full of regret.

 

“I’m leaving,” I said softly. “If you don’t care about me and Chuckie, then there’s no way we could be liabilities for you. Thanks for your hospitality, Trey.”

 

Inside, I was begging him to stop me. I wanted him to stop me right in my tracks and grab my arms and press his mouth to mine. I wanted Trey to stand in front of me, barring the way, until I was forced to surrender to my desire for him. Even now, in the aftermath of the most heated argument we’d ever experienced, I couldn’t deny I still wanted him more than ever.

 

But he didn’t stop me. I walked down the hallway on unsteady feet and made my way into the room Chuckie had chosen. Our clothes were scattered all over the floor and I had to suppress a wave of anxious nausea as I leaned down to grab the bags. Chuckie was almost out of school, and he’d be here soon. If I hurried, I could manage to pack before he got home.

 

Home. But this isn’t really home, is it? I looked around, suddenly feeling dazed. I perched on the edge of the bed and stared up at the ceiling. The big house was silent. A lump formed in my throat when I realized Trey must not have cared, because if he cared, he would be stopping me. Don’t sit here and cry like a pathetic fool, I thought. You know that isn’t going to change shit. Trey doesn’t love you, and he doesn’t want to be a father to Chuckie. You had your chance to find him and you blew it, Angel. Time to move on.

 

Except, deep down, I knew I’d never really be able to move on. I swallowed hard and wiped away some stray tears. Time to pack, Angel, I reminded myself after checking the clock. Chuckie’ll be home soon, and then you’ll both have to go.

 

I carelessly threw things into a bag. All in all, it only took about twenty minutes to pack. For all the meaningful things that had happened in the past few days, I felt remarkably non-permanent here. And it was true, I was. I now realized how big of a mistake I’d made in thinking I understood Trey. After all, I barely knew him anymore. He obviously wasn’t the same man he’d been, and he wasn’t the same person I’d known. He’d changed. He’d changed enough to run an MC and buy a big house and basically live up to all of the dreams he’d had for himself back in the day. But there was no woman who was part of the equation.

 

I wasn’t naïve. I knew Trey hadn’t been celibate since we broke up. And besides, I’d really only been like that out of choice. I could have dated if I’d wanted to, even with Chuckie. But I hadn’t wanted to. Trey had broken me. He’d changed the mold and let the hot metal overflow. No, I wasn’t ever going to be the same again. And we weren’t going to be together. Trey had made that glaringly obvious.

 

Getting down on my hands and knees, I searched under the bed for forgotten panties or one of Chuckie’s shoes. There wasn’t anything there but dust. I imagined how I looked from above: like a silly woman crawling around on the floor. I knew I was acting crazy. But what else was I supposed to do? I’d been uprooted from my quiet, boring life and thrust back into the action with Trey.

 

The thought of going back to my empty house filled me with a loneliness that I couldn’t even begin to tackle. There was more than that, though. There was also an odd feeling of shame, like I wouldn’t be able to face my life. I couldn’t deal with Lindsey’s inquiring looks, or with Chuckie’s questions about the “man who took care of us.”

 

I heard footsteps in the hallway, too light to be Trey’s. Before I could move, the door swung open and Chuckie threw himself at my body, hugging my legs tightly. I reached down and ruffled his brown hair, pasting a weak smile on my face.

 

“Hi, sweetie. Did you have a good day?”

 

Chuckie nodded excitedly. “I made something for Trey!” He threw his backpack to the ground and dug around in the main compartment, eventually coming up with a little dinosaur made out of clay. “It’s for him, Mom! You think he’ll like it?” Chuckie’s big blue eyes pleaded up at me in the same way Trey’s used to. “I spent so much time on it, Mom!”

 

“I can tell, honey,” I said, my mind racing for a quick and painless way to tell Chuckie he couldn’t give Trey anything. Because he didn’t care about us, and he never would.

 

Unfortunately, just as I opened my mouth, Trey stepped in the doorway. He gave Chuckie a tentative smile. Chuckie, all energy and smiles a few seconds ago, ducked behind my legs and clung to my jeans. My heart broke for him; he was so shy, and he was just about to discover that his newly beloved friend, Trey, was someone who never wanted to see him or his mommy ever again.

 

“Hey there, little buddy,” Trey said. He smiled at Chuckie.

 

When he looked up to my face, I turned away. A mixture of shame and anger filled my body and I felt my posture brace and become more defensive.

 

“Hi,” Chuckie said softly. Before I could stop him, he pushed past me and stared at Trey. “I made you something today.”

 

“You don’t have to take it,” I said quickly. “I mean, if you don’t want it.”

 

Trey frowned. He crouched down so he was at Chuckie’s height and a bolt of tenderness and desire shot through my body at the sight of my former lover smiling at our son. “Of course I want it,” Trey said. He tried to meet my eyes but I looked away. There were several excruciating seconds of silence. I cleared my throat and looked away as Trey turned towards Chuckie. “Chuckie, what is it?”

 

Chuckie stumbled shyly over to Trey and pulled out the clay dinosaur. Even from a distance, I could tell he’d taken a lot of care with the figure and it was well designed, especially from an eight-year-old.

 

“Wow, buddy,” Trey breathed. “This is so cool! Thank you,” he said, beaming. Chuckie grinned and I felt some of the tension in my belly melt. “May I speak with your mom for a minute?”

 

Chuckie nodded, then bolted out of the room. “I’m going to get a snack!” Chuckie cried as he ran down the hallway. “Last one to the kitchen is a rotten egg!”

 

I blushed. “I’m sorry about that,” I said quietly. “I didn’t know he would actually give that to you. You can give it here,” I said, holding out my hand. “I won’t tell him.”

 

Trey frowned at me “What are you talking about?” He looked around the room, seeming to notice how empty it was. “Did you pack? Angel, I don’t want you to go,” he said, looking pained. “For your safety, you and Chuckie need to stay here.”

 

I shook my head. “Not a chance,” I said. “Sorry, but we’re not liabilities to you, and I’m not mooching off of you anymore. And I don’t want to get any more guys in the MC in trouble.” I was thinking of Patches, but Trey frowned again and shook his head.

 

“Angel, please,” Trey said.

 

He stepped forward and reached for my hand but I twisted away without thinking. A new, sharper lump formed in my throat. Why was I doing this? Why was I pushing him away? He said I could stay. But deep down, I knew he was only being polite. He didn’t love me, and he definitely didn’t love Chuckie. Poor, fatherless Chuckie. I hated the idea of telling him we were leaving. I knew it would break his heart all over again.

 

“I have to go,” I announced. Tears welled up in my eyes and I blinked them away. “I know you; you meant everything you said. I know you don’t want me around. I know I screwed up, Trey. I’m sorry.”

 

“Hey,” Trey said softly. He stood up and took a step towards me. I jumped back like a skittish rabbit. “Hey, what’s all this? Angel, I’m sorry. We can talk about this; we can make this work.”

 

“This?” I gestured around to the empty room. “This was nothing, Trey.” His face hardened as I spoke. “This is nothing, and everyone’s going to be better off once Chuckie and I leave.”

 

“No,” Trey said, more forceful this time. “Angel, no. I can’t let you do that. Haven’t you been listening to anything I’ve been saying? You’re going to put yourself and Chuckie at risk. You’re going to be attacked as soon as you leave the house, Angel.”

 

“That’s bullshit,” I said, shaking my head. My heart was pounding but I knew I was doing the right thing. “You told me I was only in trouble because of you. Well, if you don’t care about me, I can’t imagine what any of those assholes would want with me, Trey.”

 

“It doesn’t matter how I feel,” Trey pleaded. He stepped forward and I took another step back. “If that’s what’s in their heads, that’s how they’re going to act. It doesn’t matter what we are to each other, but if they think you’re important to me, well, it’s going to be bad news for you and for Chuckie.”

 

Tears sprang to my eyes and I blinked, looking up at the ceiling and willing them away. I had been right all along. Trey didn’t really care; he only felt obligated. He wasn’t protecting me because he loved me. He was protecting me to save face with the Centerville police and keep his club legitimate. My mouth hardened into a thin line and I swung the bag over my shoulder.

 

“Later, Trey,” I said softly. “Stay safe.”

 

Trey’s footsteps followed me out of the room as I stalked down the hallway and grabbed Chuckie from the kitchen. He had a spoon stuck in a jar of peanut butter and he was doing a messy job of smearing it all over his face. I sighed in irritation.

 

“Can’t you stay clean for five fucking minutes?” I snapped under my breath before turning to speak to Chuckie. “We’re leaving. Go wash your face.”

 

Chuckie grinned, oblivious to my bad mood. “We’re going? Are we going out to dinner?” His voice rose loudly. “I’m so excited!”

 

“No,” I snapped. “We’re going home. We’re not going to stay with Trey anymore.”

 

Chuckie’s face crumpled and I felt guilt surge through my body. “But I like it here,” he said, pouting. “I want to stay.”

 

“And I want you both to stay,” Trey’s voice boomed from behind me. “Come on, Angel. It’s fine.”

 

“It’s not fine,” I said, breezing past him and dragging Chuckie out the door. “We have to go home now. Thank you very much for your hospitality, Trey. Let me know if I owe you anything for all of the food we ate.” I glared at Chuckie. “Someone thought it was a good idea to contaminate all of your peanut butter.”

 

“That doesn’t matter,” Trey said in a strangled voice. His eyes were pleading with me not to go but I steeled my resolve and walked out the front door.

 

Trey Minter was history. Now, more than ever, I hated myself for succumbing to his charms again. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to forgive myself.

 

“Mom, why are we leaving?” Chuckie pestered me once I had him seated in the car. “Why can’t we stay?”

 

“Because this isn’t our home,” I told him as I slid out of Trey’s driveway. “And we don’t belong here.”