Tina

I shouldn’t have done it. I have no idea what I’d been thinking.

Stabbing at my salad I pretended to ignore the stares at my lunch table. My hair was brown, people, it wasn’t like I’d gone bald overnight or something.

“Well, I like it,” Melody said decisively. Apparently we were still talking about my new hair color. The insane last minute decision I’d made at the hair stylist’s last night that had sent my little world into tumult as my friends and Alex tried to process this crazy turn of events.

I held back an aggravated sigh at Melody’s bold statement. It wasn’t her words that made me want to smack her, but the tone. She’d stressed the “I” in that sentence so it had sounded defensive, like no one else liked it but her.

Passive aggressive was Melody’s game. She was the kind of nice that gave nice a bad name.

“I think you look hot, babe.” That came from Alex. So close to my ear I could feel his breath on my cheek and knew without having to look that he was eating tuna salad.

Ugh.

I edged away from him with a shrug meant for every prying eye at the table. “It was time for a change.”

Now is not the time for an adolescent rebellion, dear. My mother’s voice from the night before was as loud as if she were right there at the table with us.

She’d frowned at the sight of my new brunette style—still long, but not straightened so rather than being stick straight, it fell in loose waves. Her sigh had held a world of disappointment. What were you thinking?

I didn’t know. I didn’t have the answer last night and I still had no clue. It had been craziness. An act of rebellion on my tongue’s part when the stylist had smiled at me in the mirror and said, “So, what will it be? The usual?”

Her use of the term “the usual” was what had done it. I’d been going to Vanessa for years. First with my mother and then by myself. “The usual” was the straightened blonde style that made me look like my mom. A shorter, non-botoxed version of my mother.

I’d stopped thinking of it that way, of course. I’d made the look my own. My long blonde hair had become my trademark. No one was more shocked than me to hear my voice say, “Let’s try something different.”

To her credit, Vanessa had merely blinked once before rattling off my choices, ending with the option of matching my natural color.

And now here I was, in my natural state. Tina au naturel.

I hated it. Not the light brown hair, necessarily, but this exposed feeling. Like everyone could see right through me. Like my skin was made of gauze or something and the lightest breeze might blow me away.

It was a stupid thought. This was just hair, not my freakin’ soul. I stabbed at my salad and forced my chin up, my face set in a mask of disdain. “You all act like you’ve never seen a brunette before.” I gave Melody a saccharine sweet smile. “Everyone ought to change up their style now and again, don’t you think?” I popped a cherry tomato in my mouth and let my gaze move over her dark brown bob meaningfully. “Otherwise it just gets…boring.”

Her nostrils flared before she covered it with a little smile and I knew I’d hit my mark.

She shoots, she scores! It wasn’t like I was proud of my ability to beat Melody at her own game, but someone had to keep that smiling little backstabber in check. As her best frenemy, that duty obviously fell to me.

Melody didn’t stay down for long. She widened her eyes with feigned concern. “I just hope your new…style…” She hesitated over the word as if it was a dubious term for my new look, then she waved her fork in my general direction. “I hope the new look goes with your prom dress.”

I glared at her, all pretenses dropped.

Prom.

The dreaded P-word. Her smirk was pure evil as she took another bite of her salad. We were all eating salads these days, all the girls at our table.

Melody knew very well that I didn’t want to talk about prom. It was still a tough topic since I had no idea what the hell I was going to do about my date…or lack thereof. I set my fork down.

This was my fault, really. My lack of a date was like a giant gaping wound, just waiting for someone like Melody to poke at it.

Like a moron I’d left myself vulnerable to attack.

Alex slung an arm around me. “You’ll look great no matter what, babe.”

His tone was sweet. He’d been laying on the charm super thick these days. Probably because this was the longest I’d ever held out on getting back together. We were rapidly entering unchartered territory here and I could practically smell his fear.

For all his cheating ways, Alex needed me too, make no doubt about it. He was definitely getting antsy about my lack of an answer to the prom question. He’d been badgering me every day for an answer. No, that wasn’t true. Some days, like today, he took the tactic of just assuming we were going together. Maybe he thought that if he spoke about our prom date with enough confidence I might forget I’d vowed not to go with him.

As if to prove my point, he swung his head in my direction and gave me that smile that I used to love so much. “We’re going to beat the competition hands down no matter what. Right, babe?” His smile was sexy and sweet, and filled with all the love in the world. That smile used to make my heart race and bring a smile to my lips.

Now it left me cold.

I turned instinctively to seek out Julian in the crowded cafeteria. There he was at the table where he always sat, talking to Alice and Brian and laughing at whatever it was they were saying.

He didn’t look in my direction, but I didn’t need him to. His presence in the cafeteria had become a weird touchstone for me at moments like this, his words from weeks ago my go-to mantra. You deserve better.

One week had passed since the kiss. THE KISS. It deserved all caps that’s how epic that kiss was. Epic and singular.

Since that night we’d fallen firmly into a friend zone and I was cool with it. We were so far in the friend zone neither of us ever mentioned it again. It was a moment out of time. A memory I had to remind myself was real and not some super realistic daydream.

But it was a good thing that we were just friends. I mean, the kiss was amazing but I so didn’t need romantic complications, and neither did Julian. What he needed was a breakup partner—someone who understood what he was going through and could coach him through it. And what I needed…well, I needed a rock. A reminder to stay strong. Someone who told me that I deserved better and actually meant it.

Most days I wasn’t sure I deserved better than Alex, so I had to have faith in Julian’s confidence. I mean, it wasn’t like I was some masochist. I knew I didn’t deserve to be hurt or cheated on. But I wasn’t exactly a saint, and there was a reason he and I had come together the way we had.

We were similar, Alex and I. He knew it, I knew it. Around him I could be me—mean, vindictive, and competitive to a fault. I could make catty remarks without judgment, I could talk openly about my desire to crush my competition. Alex knew that part of me and was cool with it, just like I’d come to accept his fondness for flirting with anything that moved and his ability to tune out any conversation that didn’t have to do with sports.

What we’d had wasn’t perfect, but it had been comfortable. But, as Julian has been reminding me all week—even hell was comfortable after you’d been there a while. What was it Julian had said last night on the phone? Comfort was the lazy man’s version of happiness. It’s easy, he’d said. And you are not easy.

That of course had led to a bit of banter about how easy I was or wasn’t, which came dangerously close to flirting but we both stopped before we crossed the line.

That’s how it had been all week. We hung out every day and we talked. Just talked. Sometimes at school, always on the way home from school when he gave me a ride since my car was in the shop. Some days even that wasn’t enough so we texted or talked on the phone well into the night.

Last night’s lecture was still fresh in my mind and I knew what I had to do. Still, I sighed and let myself enjoy the ease of having Alex’s arm around me for one more second. It was a cowardly moment, I’d be the first to admit it. It was too tempting by far to just go along with it. How easy would it be to just lean into him and say yes? Or even just nod. A nod was all it would take to put my life back on track.

There would be no doubt in anyone’s mind that I was going to win prom queen if I just nodded right now and we went together as the school’s most established couple. The favorite couple—to watch from afar, at least, if not to root for. The crown would be in the bag. Alex and I were a force to be reckoned with when we were together and we both knew it.

I’d win. The thought was beyond tempting. I didn’t just hate to lose, I did whatever it took to avoid it.

I shot another look in Julian’s direction and let reason reign supreme. I’d win, but it would be a hollow victory. I didn’t need Julian to tell me that. Though he would. I felt an honest smile tugging at my lips at the thought. Julian would have plenty to say on the topic—he always did. He had theories and arguments for everything. And right now I could practically hear him lecturing me on how I didn’t need Alex to win prom queen. I could win on my own merit.

The naïve dork actually meant it, too.

With a sigh I shrugged out from under Alex’s arm. “Who’s this we?”

Everyone at our table exchanged meaningful looks at my caustic tone. Melody smirked—poor thing probably thought this gave her a shot at winning the crown. Alex rolled his eyes and went back to his sandwich. He didn’t look moved at all. He probably still thought I was playing hard to get.

His confidence that I’d go with him made me want to stomp on his feet with my new pair of heels.

I barely listened as the conversation went on around me. I was busy counting the seconds until the end of this school day, a day that would seemingly never end. I was stuck in a horrific time loop in which I had to hear “Oh my God, your hair is brown!” every five seconds.

By the time the bell rang, I was half out of my seat, running away so I wouldn’t have to endure another run-in with Alex.

I wasn’t quick enough. He fell into step beside me and I ignored him.

“Come on, baby, don’t be like that,” Alex said.

Baby. It was always “baby” this and “baby” that when he was in the doghouse. But this time he wasn’t in the doghouse. He was fully evicted, off the property with a virtual restraining order against him.

He just didn’t know it yet. Or at least, it hadn’t gotten through that thick, conceited skull of his. His arm around my shoulders felt too heavy, too intimate. His familiar scent was cloying, a temptation and a turn-off all at once. It was only tempting because it was a comfort. It was familiar. It was safety.

But for how long?

Only until the next time he hurt me. And he would hurt me. I honestly wasn’t sure he could help himself. That thought helped me gather the strength to shrug his arm off my shoulders once more. “Give it up, Alex. This time is different. We’re done.”

He stopped in the hallway and I stopped too, forcing myself to face him. Be strong, be strong, be strong.

Some of that easygoingness faded from his smile. In fact, the whole smile faded into oblivion. “What’s up with you, Tina? Why are you being like this?”

He seemed honestly confused. Hurt, even. And maybe that was partly my fault. Maybe I’d trained him to believe that he could do anything he wanted, hurt me as many times as he wanted, and I would always take him back.

He took a step closer and brushed my hair softly. “I like the new hair.”

He used the soft, sweet tone that used to make my knees go weak. Now it just made my stomach turn. Funny how in some ways the longer I resisted him, the easier it got to keep my distance.

Oh there was still a temptation, but these days I’d been realizing it wasn’t him I wanted so much as the security of our relationship. Julian had been helping me to see that. Alex and I might not have had the trust or the kindness that other couples had, but there was a comfort there. When we were together he was my ally in a school full of rivals and gossips.

When we were good it was me and him against the world. No one was a stronger supporter or a better champion. And vice versa. When we were up we were up. But it wasn’t stable, and it wasn’t sustainable. I didn’t know why. Maybe because we weren’t truly in love with one another. Not anymore, at least.

I studied those handsome features that I knew so well and nostalgia made it hard to breathe. I liked to think that at some point in our long convoluted history there was genuine love between us, but at some point it had died amidst all the betrayal and heartbreak, all the drama and fighting.

With that charming smile gone, he looked at me like he used to. He was just Alex and I was just Tina. He wasn’t trying to get something from me and I wasn’t trying to get a reaction out of him.

“What’s going on with you?” he asked, a hint of accusation in his voice. “You’ve been acting weird.”

I shrugged. I had been acting strangely, even to myself. I mean, the hair wasn’t the only time I’d surprised myself lately, and it felt like the longer I was out of this on-again-off-again routine, the more I didn’t know myself.

Or maybe I was just rediscovering myself.

God, how hokey did that sound? Ugh.

I gave Alex a helpless shrug. “I don’t know. I guess…I guess I’m just going through something.”

He nodded slowly. Empathy and emotional intelligence had never been Alex’s strong suit and simple, honest conversations like this one were a rarity. He shifted on his feet and I crossed my arms and looked away.

Neither of us was in our element here. It would be so much easier if I just caved and let him kiss me until we caused a scene in the hallway. PDA was sort of our thing.

It would have been even easier to just throw a hissy fit, remind him of what he’d done wrong and run in the opposite direction. Public displays of outrage were also our thing.

Might as well give the crowd something to talk about. As it was we must have looked bizarre. The great, dramatic Alex-and-Tina standing awkwardly together in stilted silence.

When I met Alex’s gaze again, his eyes were hard. “So you’re serious about not going to the prom with me?”

I blinked. That’s what this was about for him?

I mean, yeah, I was stressed about the prom too, but he was a guy. He wasn’t supposed to care about that. I was the one who’d already spent a small fortune on my dream dress. I was the one who would be dateless and pathetic since every eligible guy I knew had a date lined up.

I rubbed at my forehead, wondering what I was supposed to say to that. I mean, I knew what I would have said to that before. I would have gotten angry, hidden my hurt behind that rage and made a scene worthy of one of those housewives’ shows.

But I was tired. Just thinking about pulling off a dramatic scene like that made me exhausted.

Either I was maturing or I was coming down with mono.

I instantly thought of how I should say that to Julian. He’d find it funny.

“This isn’t amusing, Tina,” Alex said sharply.

It was then that I realized I’d been smiling. It was a stupid habit I’d picked up ever since Julian and I had started hanging out. Was it my fault the guy made me laugh?

But now I made a concerted effort to look appropriately grim. “I’m sorry, Alex. I just…I don’t want to fight with you anymore.”

He looked stricken. More shocked than when I’d first refused to go to prom with him, which he had not seen coming. “What do you mean, you don’t want to fight?”

To anyone else, his confusion might have seemed odd. I mean, who liked to fight?

We did.

Or, we used to. It was all part of the game, our give and take, our unhealthy but totally addictive relationship. He loved the drama of it all. I used to tease him that he’d be bored if we didn’t fight and there was some truth in that. But it wasn’t just him. I’d liked it in a weird way too.

It wasn’t easy to admit that to myself, to take responsibility for the world of pain I’d gone through these past few years. But I could have stopped it, I could have ended it. And I hadn’t. Not until now.

“Look,” I said carefully, licking my lips and tugging at the hem of my shirt as I sought the right words. “I’m not trying to fight right now. I just want this to be done between us. For real.”

His eyes were so wide I felt a swift jolt of guilt at what I was doing. But guilt would weaken my resolve and this had to be done, once and for all. “I’m sorry, Alex. We have a long history and I’ll always care about you but—”

“But I love you, baby.” His words were rushed and pleading, and my heart broke all over again.

But I didn’t believe him. As gently as I could, I reached out to take his hands. “No, you don’t.” I shook my head quickly. “Or maybe you do, I don’t know. I can’t tell you what you feel, but I do know that if you really loved me you wouldn’t keep hurting me.”

He looked stricken for a moment and then just as quickly his eyes narrowed. “Is this because of that hipster loser you’ve been hanging out with?”

I blinked a few times as my brain caught up to speed with his sudden change in tactics.

“No, I—” But the words stopped, my throat closing up on me as if I was truly incapable of telling a lie. Because it would have been a lie to say that Julian wasn’t a part of this. His friendship, or whatever this was between us, it had made me see what was really between me and Alex.

Or, more precisely, what wasn’t between us.

Alex caught my hesitation and pounced. “You’re not with that guy, are you?” His voice had gone from super soft to flinty hard in a nanosecond. “You can’t be serious, Tina. You’ll eat that kid alive.”

I blinked up at him in shock. I mean, I’d expected him to mock Julian as soon as he mentioned him. I expected him to say how he wasn’t worth my time, or something like that. What he’d actually said made me freeze, my heart twisting painfully in my chest. Mainly because it hadn’t sounded like he was intentionally being mean, just honest. He thought I’d hurt Julian.

And he probably wasn’t wrong. My stomach churned with something sick and ugly as the realization hit me hard. But I shoved the thought and the gross feeling in my gut out of my mind because Alex had started looking around the hallways. I swear I could smell the testosterone levels rising. “Where is that jackass? If I get my hands on him—”

My weary sigh interrupted his burgeoning tirade. “Oh, cut it out.”

He looked down at me in surprise. I’d even surprised myself with my exasperated tone. I wasn’t hysterical trying to stop him or ready to burst into tears for some melodramatic conclusion to this little scene he was staging. And a scene was exactly what this was. He was playacting like we’d been doing in some form or another for years.

We’d been playing roles in our relationships, just like we did in our lives.

And I was tired. I was so freakin’ tired.

“You’re not going to do anything to Julian,” I explained calmly once I had his full attention. “Because there’s nothing between us but friendship. But even if there was—that’s none of your business anymore.”

I reached up and patted his cheek gently as I’d done countless times before, after a baseball loss or before a football game, it was a signature gesture in the Tina-and-Alex playbook.

“It’s over, Alex.” I went up on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. “For good.”

* * *

Minutes after school let out I was hyperventilating in Julian’s car. “What have I done?”

“You did what you had to do,” he said, patting my knee in the super close quarters of his Prius.

I groaned and let my head fall back against the headrest. “Then why do I feel so miserable?”

He gave me a frustratingly calm smile. “Because it wasn’t the easy way out.”

“Oh my God,” I moaned. “If you give me another lecture on the dangers of the comfort zone, I swear I’ll puke in your car.”

He was laughing softly and the sound was soothing. He had a nice laugh. And great hands. I’d watched him practice guitar a few times now when I’d gone to his house to “study.” And by study I meant hang out and watch him strum his guitar while we hashed out the finer details of why exactly breakups were the pits.

It was a topic we’d officially talked to death.

He patted my knee again and this time his hand paused for a second too long. Have I mentioned how much I liked his hands? They were big and firm. Manly hands. Was that a thing? I was rapidly developing a thing for those hands. An intensely physical thing.

Like right now, I dropped my gaze so I could see his hand on my knee. My knee which was bare thanks to the short skirt of my sundress.

My mouth went dry as I took in the sight, which should so not have been a turn-on.

But it was.

Ugh, I had to get a grip. I was having a meltdown over here. This was so not the time to go swooning over a freakin’ hand.

He pulled his arm back as if he’d had the same thought at the same time, though that probably wasn’t the case.

We were friends. Friends, friends, friends. Even though I didn’t really do friends. But we were friends. Friends who’d kissed…

Have I mentioned how hot that kiss was?

Yeah, it was intense.

“I’m proud of you,” he said.

My heart clenched painfully with a feeling I couldn’t quite place but I managed a snarky, “Thanks, coach.”

It was a phrase we used on each other often these days since we seemed to take turns giving each other pep talks.

The silence between us shifted and his gaze on me felt heavy. Nothing about this felt friend-like, but I wasn’t sure what to make of that. Much as we’d been talking this past week we hadn’t actually spoken about the kiss. We’d fallen into this friend zone and neither of us questioned it or mentioned it.

So when silences like this came up, I got uneasy. Not bad uneasy, necessarily. To be perfectly honest, part of me was hoping he’d kiss me again. But there was another part of me that screamed bad idea! We were both too messed up right now, and even if we weren’t, he wasn’t my type.

You’ll eat that kid alive.

And then there was that. Thanks, Alex, for putting it so kindly. But he’d had a point. How could I be pissed at Leila for dragging this nice guy into her world of games if I was sitting here hoping he’d kiss me again?

I couldn’t. It was a mistake. I shifted slightly as though that would help put distance between us in this small space.

We were friends, that was all.

“Hey, you okay?” he asked, his voice so impossibly tender it made my throat close up with emotion. I nodded, but he was waiting for me to speak. Since there was no way in hell I was about to tell him what Alex had said about me—about us—I went with a half-truth. “I don’t know what I’m going to do about prom.”

He let out a breath that was half sigh, half laugh. I was starting to know his exhales intimately.

When I looked up he was giving me that adorable lopsided smile, the one that said you’re crazy, but you’re cute.

Or maybe it just said you’re crazy and the rest was me being optimistic.

“Seriously? You just had a huge breakthrough with the jerk who’s been holding you back for years and you’re worried about a stupid dance?”

“Holding me back?” I repeated that phrase because it struck me to my core. Holding me back. Had Alex really been holding me back?

From what?

But then the rest of Julian’s words filtered through my brain and I turned to face him with crossed arms. “Hey. Just because you’re not into once-in-a-lifetime school events that we’ll remember for the rest of our lives doesn’t mean you get to judge me, got it?”

His smile was full-fledged now. He knew me well enough to know I wasn’t really pissed. As he’d aptly pointed out earlier this week, when I was really pissed, everyone knew it. There was no question about it.

“Well, when you put it that way…” he teased. “Maybe I should go to this once in a lifetime event.”

I blinked at him. “You were seriously not going to go?”

He arched his brows and nodded. “Seriously.”

“That’s messed up.”

“You’re messed up.” He said it quickly and in that funny tone that always made me smile.

I shook my head as I laughed. “Forget it, I shouldn’t have even brought it up.”

He shifted in his seat so he was facing me in the cramped space. “No, I want to understand.” He reached out and tapped my knee again. “Explain it to me. Why is this so important to you?”

I thought the answer was pretty much obvious. “I need to win prom queen.”

To his credit, he didn’t laugh, even though I knew he wanted to. “Why?”

I blinked. “Why?”

He nodded. “Why?”

God, if this was anyone else, I would never spell it out. But then again, if he was anyone else, I wouldn’t have to.

“Because I’m a winner,” I said. “It’s what I do.” I used that over-the-top haughty tone that usually made him laugh, but he kept staring at me, all serious and all seeing.

I shifted in my seat and looked out the windshield to the empty parking lot beyond.

He was quiet while he waited for me to continue. This guy knew how to use silence as a weapon.

I relented with a sigh. “Look, I know you don’t understand the whole popularity thing.”

“That’s true,” he said slowly, quietly. “But I want to.”

I turned my head to face him. “Popularity equals power.”

His gaze was dark and intense and I had the super uncomfortable feeling that he was seeing into all the dark places of my soul.

Awesome.

I started babbling in the face of his earnest sincerity. “Popularity means not getting walked on or ignored.” Oh hell, I was saying too much.

“So does respect,” he said.

I let out a loud exhale. He didn’t get it. “You’re naïve.”

He arched his brows again, his lips twitching up with amusement. “You’re jaded.”

I narrowed my eyes, struggling not to smile as he leaned in and I did the same. “You’re unpopular,” I said. “You wouldn’t understand.”

He grinned then and it lit up his face, and made his eyes do that crinkly thing at the corners that was just too damned sexy. He lowered his voice and leaned in closer as if to let me in on a secret. “You’re nice.”

“Ugh.” I feigned disgust as I rolled my eyes. “We both know that’s not true.”

“Fair enough,” he said. “But you’re not as bad as I’d thought.”

I was keenly aware of how close he was. How close we both were. There were mere inches between us as we leaned in. I could have pulled back, but then again, so could he.

Neither of us did.

My brain felt scrambled. I was losing the threads of this conversation. Maybe I was losing my mind altogether. My voice came out far too breathy when I finally came up with the appropriate retort. “And I guess you’re not as much of a loser as I’d thought.”

His gaze met mine and holy crap was it sexy. His smile had faded and the air between us grew thick with tension.

No…anticipation.

I forgot how to breathe as I waited for his response.

“Careful,” he said softly. “That was almost…sweet.”

I let out a soft laugh but it was cut short by his kiss.

Oh hell, his kiss was perfect. Soft and tender, his lips firm and warm as they slanted over mine. Unlike the last kiss, this one was slow and sweet, his lips nudging mine apart, his tongue teasing mine like we had all the time in the world.

Like this was only the beginning.

I didn’t mean to moan but it came out soft and low, and I felt his response as the kiss became more intimate. His hands slid into my hair, holding me to him like I was infinitely precious. Like I was some delicate and breakable treasure to be cherished.

My heart fluttered in my chest, beating so rapidly and aching so painfully all at once.

When he finally pulled back and we caught our breath, I leaned back against my car seat and had two random thoughts at once.

This was a mistake.

And also, this was the best mistake I’d ever made.