From: August

To: Lily

Subject: Hey there!

Hi,

I’m August. Let’s cut to the chase. I saw your post on r/relationships and thought I’d give you my two cents with a private message. My advice is brief, but I am 100% sure it’s the right move.

Dump the loser.

If he’s not willing to introduce you to his parents, your relationship will go nowhere. Unless he has a very good reason, it’s a big red flag. You shouldn’t waste your time with a guy who doesn’t take your future as a couple seriously. 

Hope that helps. I rarely comment threads, but yours was different. I felt compelled to respond as a fellow cat meme lover (I see you posting on r/aww).

Yours,

August

_________________________________________

From: Lily

To: August

Subject: Re: Hey there!

Nice to meet you, August! I’m Lily.

Thanks so much for your help. I appreciate it, even if it hurts. But you’re spot on. If he will not change his mind, why am I with him?

I spent all morning drafting the perfect breakup email only to have the bastard end things via text. Here’s what he wrote: I think we should c other people

Can you believe that? Ugh. I’m staying celibate for a while.

Thanks again, 

Lily

P.S. I’m a little mortified I post that often on r/aww.

_________________________________________

From: August

To: Lily

Subject: Ouch

Wow, what a loser. You dodged a huge bullet. I hope you’re not too upset. Plenty of us aren’t assholes. Chin up, Buttercup. 

Oh, and I recognize you because you stand out. ;)

August

_________________________________________

From: Lily

To: August

Subject: Re: Ouch

Stand out? With my cat memes? You’re insane. 

God, I’m drunk.

My friends took me barhopping to get my mind off the ex. It’s working. Sort of. Except I’ve learned I can’t have more than two beers. Not sure why I’m volunteering all this personal information, but whatever.

Cheers!

_________________________________________

From: August

To: Lily

Subject: Re: re: Ouch

Congrats on getting wasted, you’ve earned it. I wasn’t talking about your cat photos—I was referring to your transformation thread. If that’s what you look like…the line to your door must be a mile long. 

Hard to forget those pictures…. :D

_________________________________________

From: Lily

To: August

Subject: Re: re: re: Ouch

Hahaha.

That’s very nice of you to say, but the reality is wildly different. I’m drunk and easily amused right now. The smiley face won me over. 

_________________________________________

From: August

To: Lily

Subject: New Thread

It was supposed to. ;) 

You’re single, aren’t you? Can’t blame a guy for trying.

P.S. I don’t believe you for one second. You’re hot. Own it.

_________________________________________

From: Lily

To: August

Subject: Re: New Thread

I wish I were lying…I’m wasted and/or desperate for male attention, because I’ve attached a selfie. Good Lord. I’ll probably regret this.

_________________________________________

From: August

To: Lily

Subject: Confirmed: You Are Hot

Lily, you are gorgeous. 

_________________________________________

From: Lily

To: August

Subject: Re: Confirmed: You Are Hot

What? That’s all you’re going to say?

_________________________________________

From: August

To: Lily

Subject: Re: re: Confirmed: You Are Hot

Lily,

There’s plenty I’d like to say, but I don’t want to be a creep. If I waxed poetic about your looks, you might never talk to me again, but you asked for it. 

So here it goes: You have nice tits. 

I’d be lying if I said they weren’t the first things I noticed. The fact you wore a neck-diving shirt to take this selfie was a bonus. After I unglued my eyes from your chest, I was struck by how lovely you are. You have excellent bone structure. Big eyes. Rosy cheeks. A pouty, bee-stung mouth. Cute nose. Pretty brown hair—although I don’t discriminate. You’d be hot if your hair were blue. I love that mole on your cheek.

You. Are. Hot.

-August

_________________________________________

From: Lily

To: August

Subject: Wow

August, 

Wow. That was…something. I sat here re-reading what you wrote ten times. No one’s ever called me beautiful, but I’ll take your word for it. 

Thank you. I feel a lot better. And I’m flattered.

What do you look like?

_________________________________________

From: August

To: Lily

Subject: Re: Wow

I wish I could show you, but I’ll do my best to describe myself. I’m thirty years old and a little over six feet, broad-shouldered, olive-skinned with black hair. My eyes are brown. Or hazel. Not sure. 

At the moment, I’m wearing boxer briefs. That’s all. ;) 

I’m not creepy; it’s humid outside. 

_________________________________________

From: Lily 

To: August

Subject: Re: re: Wow

You sound attractive, but that’s not much to go on! I expected more after a paragraph dedicated to my tits!

Give me more.

_________________________________________

From: August

To: Lily

Subject: Re: re: re: Wow

Well, all right…:)

It’s weird describing myself in flattering words. I have an athletic build and a devilishly handsome smile. I don’t keep a clean-shaven face because I look better with some scruff. 

My ass is as hard as a gourd, but it’s not flat. 

I’m lucky. Genetically blessed. 

I am also hot.

_________________________________________

From: Lily

To: August

Subject: Come on

You’re giving me everything but the important details. How big is your penis?

_________________________________________

From: August

To: Lily

Subject: Re: Come on

My mistake. :) I should’ve known that’s all women care about. I’ve been told my cock is huge, but I’m not one to brag about it in emails. Just feels…pathetic. 

Rest assured, it gets the job done.

I have to sleep, but I had a great time chatting with you. If you ever want to talk on the phone, let me know. 

Good night,

August