Chapter Forty
Some things are best unsaid, especially when in an afterglow haze, when your mind was still scrambled. So hours later when they gone off to bed to make love for the second time that evening and Jess muttered “I love you’ as she snuggled against Sam’s warm body, she was sure the words would be well received. After all, he had to feel the same for her. Right?
Her second thought was, why shouldn’t she love him? So she said it again with more feeling in case he hadn’t heard her the first time. Instead of holding her close and confessing the same, he hopped out of the bed like a twitchy rabbit and reached for his jeans. He wouldn’t look at her but she could see the deer in the headlights panic on his eyes.
Double, oh, damn. “I guess I shouldn’t have said that,” she said and pulled the sheet over her naked breasts. Backpedaling began in earnest as she said, “I was in the moment.”
At least he didn’t flee. He sat back on the bed and rubbed his jaw. She braced herself.
“Look, Jess. You are a great person and I do care for you. I’m just not sure if I’m ready for things to get serious. You know that my last serious relationship ended my career in baseball and sent me to a dark place. I’m not ready to risk that again. Do you understand?”
A great person? “Are you kidding?” She climbed out of bed and searched for her panties. Drat, she’d left them downstairs. “That was, what, ten years ago?” Jess jerked the top sheet off the bed. “Do you plan to remain emotionally stunted forever? I’m not asking for marriage, just a mature relationship with a guy I care a lot about.” She wrapped the sheet around her. She wasn’t having this argument naked. “What do you want, Sam?”
Boy, this night had gone sideways fast over three little words. The rest was all in his head.
“I want to come home and not see my couch eaten.”
The words were a kick to the gut.
“Well, you know what. I’m messy and my dog is messy. And we aren’t going to change.” She stomped to the door. “Spike and I will sleep in the guest room and be out tomorrow. Good-bye, Sam.”
* * *
The bedroom door slam made him wince. “Shit.” He walked into the bathroom and splashed water on his face, calling himself all kinds of idiot. He hadn’t meant to piss her off, or hurt her feelings. She’d just hit him out of left field with the whole love thing. It had been a very long time since he’d heard those words and he’d panicked.
Maybe he was emotionally stunted. But they’d only known each other a short time. Was it wrong to feel uncomfortable talking about love when their relationship was so new? No, it was not. He wasn’t wrong.
It was the feeling of having just ruined what could be the best thing that ever happened to him that made him want to apologize for the couch comment. He wasn’t mad about that anymore. He wanted to make up with Jess. It was the idea of racing headlong into a relationship that kept him from walking down the hall to her.
Some decisions were better left to make with a clear head and not in the heat of an argument.
The idea of never seeing her lavender eyes laughing at his jokes or getting smoky during sex, left him flat. Yet, he thought that perhaps taking time off would help define his focus. It was impossible to think when she was underfoot.
When he did settle down with someone, he wanted it to be forever.
* * *
Jess had done some investigating and knew Sam would be at a forensics conference for two days when she directed the delivery men to take out the old couch and replace it with the new one she’d ordered online. She’d done her research and found an exact match to his favorite sports watching couch. Hopefully, he’d be pleased.
In the three weeks since she’d seen him last had been difficult and frustrating. If anything, being apart from him had confirmed that she had indeed fallen in love and that wouldn’t change without time and distance. If ever. Sadly, the emotion was still one-sided. He hadn’t contacted her once.
Obviously, he was happy being a lone wolf, living alone without personal connections, eating raw meat and…scratching.
Gad. She’d lost her mind.
After closing the door behind the two men, she wandered through the house toward the bathroom, and her heart ached. The memories she’d made during her brief stay here cut deep into her heart. It was best to get out before she lost herself in a pity-party. She had more than herself to think of now.
Crap, Sam was going to have a stroke.
Her hand slid to her flat belly, and she knew they’d have to have a conversation soon. She’d peed on a stick this morning and confirmed the pregnancy. Despite using protection, somehow he’d found fertile ground. She only hoped that he’d be willing to father the baby and not limit his responsibility to sending a monthly check. The idea of raising him or her alone was not what she wanted. They could co-parent even if they weren’t together.
Jess pushed through the bathroom door and stared. On the toilet tank was a toilet paper roll covered with a lopsided poodle with a pink ribbon around its neck.
Tears sprang into her eyes. She headed up to the master bath and found a second poodle on that tank. He must have smuggled out a pair when they’d been at the storage place.
This gave her hope of some sort of reconciliation. He was thinking about her, too. But he’d have to come to her if he wanted to be friends. She was too raw to make that step.
She headed down to the kitchen.
Looking out the door, Calvin’s tent was still in the backyard. She smiled. Sam had lost a dog and the girl, but had kept the Naked Protester. Interesting.
She finished up downstairs and a few minutes later she left. There was a lot of thinking and planning to do that didn’t involve Sam. It was time to stop moping and move forward.
“Come on, kiddo,” she said and rubbed her belly. “Let’s get Spike to his training class before he eats my back seat.”
* * *
Sam knew she’d been at his house even before he saw the new couch and the pair of mossy green pillows on the leather surface. There’d been an energy about the place when Jess was around that had been missing ever since she left. She’d brought life into the house with her laughter and fun, and damn if he didn’t miss that every single day she’d been gone.
He dropped his suitcase by the door and walked over to take a seat on the couch. He grabbed a pillow and held it to his chest. He had to admit, a couple of pillows weren’t horrible.
Yep, the energy was gone. And he wanted it back. He wanted her back.
“You’ve returned.” Calvin padded barefoot into the living room. Sam winced. The guy was wearing a red thong. No wonder the women couldn’t get enough of him and the men were pissed off. It was like living next to an all-male nudie review every day.
Eventually, they’d have to find him somewhere else to live, but for now, he was grateful for the company.
“When did she bring the couch?” Sam asked, dropped the pillow, and stood.
“Yesterday sometime. I was out.” Calvin scanned his face. “You miss her.”
“Yes, I do.” He felt like a jerk for the way they’d left things. It was mostly his fault. But in order to fix the relationship, he had to break down and go to her before she moved on without him. “I want her back.”
That was as close as he’d ever get to sharing his feelings with another guy. And there was no beer or sports involved. Jess would probably call that progress.
“She’s living with Taryn.”
“I know.”
“Then why are you standing here? Go get her.”
* * *
“I’ll get it!” Jess called out and headed for the door. She’d been doing an online search for houses for rent that accepted dogs and had decent schools. The pickings were small, but she was determined. She needed her own place.
Buying might be a better option. That meant permanency. The thought of a white picket fence all her own was on her mind as she crossed through the house and flung open the door.
The familiar face flipped her stomach. “Sam.”
“Hey, Jess.”
He shifted feet and never looked so adorable or unkempt. He looked like he’d just rolled out of bed.
Darn. All the work over the last few days to kick those unwanted emotions out of her heart were for nothing. Yep, she still loved him. Nope, she wasn’t over him. Not by a long shot.
Deep brown eyes turned her to mush. “Can we talk?”
So much for small talk, she thought. He was a get to the point guy.
“Who’s at the door?” Taryn said as she walked in, drying her hands on a kitchen towel. At the sight of Sam, she spun and went back out.
“We’re having a Bar-B-Que. Summer and Jason and Irving and Alvin are here. Calvin is supposed to come later and bring the potato salad. He has a protest to get to on campus first. Something about saving a platypus.”
Jess rambled as she led Sam outside and to the front porch swing. Her nerves were raw. She wanted to touch him, to feel his arms around her. She wanted him to give up being a big jerk and let her back into his life.
Clasping her hands together gave her some control. “What do you want to talk about, Sam?”
If he wanted a to-the-point conversation, he’d get one.
“Us.” He twisted on the seat until they were almost face-to-face and touched her bent knee. Their eyes connected and held. “I’ve missed you, Jess.”
“Hmmm.” Don’t get your hopes up, Jess, she thought. He likely missed Spike, too.
“That’s all you have to say?”
“What do you want me to say? That I miss you, too?” She played with a loose thread on her frayed jean shorts. “I do. But that doesn’t change the gap between what we want. I want a house and a dog and a husband and kids. You don’t. We have no future. End of story.”
She moved to stand and he took her arm.
“I never said I didn’t want a family.” He pulled her onto his lap. She made no protest. It felt good to be in his arms one last time. “And I’m not emotionally stunted. Being cautious isn’t a bad thing.”
Jess looked up into his eyes and hated that he felt vulnerable. She could chalk it up to pregnancy hormones but that excuse only went so far. “I agree. Yet sometimes life throws in a twist that you don’t see coming.”
Confusion edged his eyes. “Would you care to explain?” She said nothing. “Are you seeing someone else?”
“Would it bother you if I was?” Kicking a sleeping bear could get her bitten. She sighed. “Why not get to the point of this visit. I have potato salad to eat and friends to enjoy.”
Though not fully mollified, he relaxed back and ran a hand down her arm. “I want you to move back in with me. Spike, too. I want to give us a shot.”
In another time and place, that would be enough. Now, she had more than herself to consider. Before she agreed to anything, he had to know all the facts.
“Sam, I’m pregnant.”
He jerked, his eyes going wide with shock. “What? Are you sure? How?”
“Well, you take an egg, a sperm, and a fallopian tube—”
“You know what I mean.” He wasn’t in the mood for jokes. The man had just been hit in the face with the life twist she’d mentioned earlier. “We used protection.”
“It had to have been the night at the fight.” She’d counted back and that was the closest guess. “We used condoms all the other times and I don’t think we had a slip. They only thing that makes sense is pill failure. I didn’t consider that a month earlier I’d had a sinus infection and took antibiotics. It must have messed up my system.”
Surprise and disbelief slowly melted into sober acceptance. There was no joy in his expression. “I can’t believe this.”
Well, there it was. She’d deposit his monthly check and bundle up little Molly or Sam Jr. for the weekly visit with dad and his latest girlfriend. They’d exchange polite comments during the handoff about the weather or an upcoming school function and it would all be very grown up.
The image tugged painfully at her heart. She wanted more. Was it wrong to want more?
“I’m going to be a dad.”
His tone brought her back to the present. Her gaze darted to his face. He was smiling. It was her turn to be surprised.
“You’re happy about this?”
“Baby, why wouldn’t I be?” His hand slid down to her belly and splayed his fingers open over where their peanut-sized baby grew. “This isn’t the way I saw things play out for us but, yes, I’m happy. Everything else we’ll figure out as we go.”
A sob caught in her throat. “I thought you’d feel trapped.”
He tipped her head up and brushed a kiss on her mouth. “Never.” He kissed her again. “I love you, Jessica Suzanne Lucas. And I love our baby, too.”
Tears sprung free as she kissed him all over his face to his chuckles. And somewhere beyond the window screen, she swore she heard the sound of muted happy squealing coming from inside the house.