Chapter Seventeen
The arrival of the food was a welcome interruption. Linnea didn’t know what to say, what to think.
Didn’t know what she wanted.
That wasn’t true. She wanted Nat. Wanted to feel his mouth on hers, his hands on her, wanted to lose herself, forget her worries in him. To indulge herself, knowing it would all end in a few weeks before anyone could get hurt. But was that fair, to him or to her?
She waited until they had finished the delicious food and ordered another drink before summoning up her courage to try and explain her disjointed thoughts. “You’re right, Nat. The way you make me feel, the way I feel with you is real. It was then, it is now. But I’m not free. I have to consider Elsie and Betsy. You know how Elsie is finding the transition to life here difficult. Betsy, well, with her it’s the opposite. I don’t want her getting too attached to you.”
“I’m not suggesting moving in together, but a few more evenings like this might be nice, while we’re still both here. No pressures, no expectations, just two old friends seeing where things go.”
“Maybe,” she admitted. “I can see how that makes sense, but I never did think that straight when I was with you. I just don’t want to put my needs first, to be selfish…”
His laugh surprised her. “Linnea, you’re the least selfish person I have ever met. You’re a wonderful mother, a great daughter. You spend your whole life thinking of other people. Look, if it’s too soon for you to date, then I understand.”
“It’s not too soon. And, honestly, we’re already there, aren’t we? I think we were there when we ran into each other at the orchard. If I wasn’t worried about Elsie then I wouldn’t hesitate. You’re right, there’s unfinished business between us. I’m proud to be seen with you.”
“Unlike back then?” he teased and her cheeks heated.
“I didn’t want to be another in your list of groupies. I thought if no one saw us, if we didn’t acknowledge that we were together, if I called it friendship, then I was different…”
“You were different.” Nat looked down, his expression rueful. “I was an ass back then, thought never dating anyone more than a few times was a cool way to be. Insufferable jerk.”
“You were a little.” She smiled to show she was joking—partly at least. “But I was an ass too, so proud, too proud to let people see I was like any other girl. I always had to be the best, at everything I did. If I couldn’t count on being with you at the end of senior year, then I didn’t want anyone to know I was with you at all. I’d like to go back and tell that girl to get over herself, to spend less time trying, more time having fun. Which”—she looked up and met his gaze—“Is why I want to say yes. I want to show my daughters it’s okay to have fun. That life is about taking chances, and enjoying yourself. That’s what their dad would have wanted them to know.”
“What happened, Linnea? To your husband?”
Normally, the last thing Linnea wanted was to rehash Logan’s death, but Nat deserved to know more. “It was a climbing accident. He’d gone to the Rockies for a week with his friends. He liked extreme sports. The rope gave and he fell.”
So few words for such a life changing event.
“I am so sorry.”
“It was nearly three years ago. Betsy barely remembers him and, in a couple of years, I’ll have been widowed as long as I was married.” It was easier to think that way, rather than to dwell on what might have been.”
“What was he like?” Nat put his beer to one side and propped his elbows on the table. “He must have been pretty amazing to have tempted you away from your studies. When Lacey told me you married so young, I have to admit I was taken aback. And a little jealous.”
“Jealous?”
“You chose your studies over me.” He grinned, that confident lazy grin Linnea was beginning to understand masked a host of real feelings. “It hurt my pride a little. Despicable, I know.”
Was it wrong to heat up a little, knowing he had still cared? “It wasn’t a deliberate decision. I absolutely didn’t intend to marry so young. I was still trying to decide between eventually going on to law school, or whether I wanted to go into publishing. In a way, it was all your fault…”
He sat up at that. “My fault?”
She smiled over at him, enjoying the indignation in his voice. “Thanks to you, confident, blond, blue-eyed guys became my type. Logan and I should never have met. He was a junior and I was a freshman. He was legacy Yale, several generations back, part of the rich, privileged set and I was on a scholarship. But I saw him a few weeks after Christmas and he just reminded me of you, the way he was walking, the way he looked. I smiled at him as if I knew him. I was so mortified when I realized what I had done, but he just smiled back and asked me if I wanted to get a coffee. And that was it. I was smitten. Young, naïve, and ready to fall in love.”
“And he felt the same way?”
“Surprisingly, he seemed to. We dated casually that spring and he got me an internship that summer at his family firm—they own business motels and hotels right through the Northeast. I went back to school as part of a couple, a member of that privileged group. It was everything I had ever wanted, I was making great contacts, great friends, the future seemed just the way I had planned it—and then I got pregnant.”
“Not part of the plan I guess.”
“No.” Linnea reached for her beer, the old guilt and panic rising back up, just for a minute. “Some people thought it was, thought I had been very clever, but I never wanted to marry into money and success, I wanted to make it on my own. The first thought I had was for Mom and Dad, that I was letting them down. That perfect daughters don’t get knocked up before they turn twenty, two years before graduation.”
“What did Logan say?”
She blew out a breath. “Logan was a real seize the day kind of guy. There wasn’t a mountain he didn’t want to scale, a lake he didn’t want to swim, a challenge he didn’t want to overcome. Life was an adventure to him. He thought marriage and fatherhood would just be another adventure. It was hard not to get caught up in that enthusiasm and optimism, such a relief that one of us didn’t see the positive test and think disaster.”
“He sounds like quite the guy.”
“He was.” She paused, remembering the look in Logan’s eyes when she had told him she was pregnant. The hope and happiness. Enough hope and happiness for both of them. “I was really worried his parents would think I was taking advantage of him, you know, the only girls with babies that look like me in their world are the nannies. But they welcomed me into the family. Encouraged me to come to work in the family business and get my degree at the same time. I was really lucky.”
“Not at all, they knew a good thing when they saw it.”
“I hated taking the girls away from them. They’re the last link they have to Logan. And I loved my work there too. But they understood, encouraged me, promised me there will always be a place there if I ever change my mind.”
Nat picked up his beer and took a long drink. “Was it a good marriage?”
She didn’t hesitate. “At times. It wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t always easy. We both worked full-time and had babies or small children the whole time. Even with all the privilege of wealth and his family close by that left us tired. I was finishing my degree, while working with a small child. He liked his sports at weekends. It didn’t leave us a lot of time for each other.” A nostalgic smile curved her mouth. “He would be so angry that the first thing I did when I got to Marietta was organize this concert. He’d say that it was so typical of me, that I always bit off more than I could manage, that I needed to learn to relax.”
“He would have had a point.”
“Maybe. Truth was, there were times when I felt we were becoming a partnership rather than a couple before our time. Old and settled while still in our early twenties, so different from our unmarried friends who lived in the city and had no responsibilities beyond climbing the career ladder. And I know he felt the same way, that he loved me and loved the girls, but felt stifled at times. That’s why he would go away with the guys, take risks, act as if he had no responsibilities at all.” Linnea hesitated. “I was so angry when he died. That he died so needlessly, that he put his sport before his family, that he left us. But I’m over that now. I’m just glad that he gave me two beautiful girls.”
“What would he say about me?”
She didn’t hesitate. Hadn’t she asked herself the same thing just the other day? “He’d tell me to go for it.”
And there was her answer.
*
Neither of them wanted dessert. The freezing air was a shock as they exited the building and Nat cast a knowing look at the starry sky. “Snow soon.”
“Just in time for Christmas,” Linnea said with an anticipatory shiver. “The girls will be pleased.”
“So…”
“So?” Linnea summoned all her courage and took Nat’s hand, slipping her own gloved fingers through his. He froze momentarily, before tightening his grip. “We don’t have to head back. It’s still early and I no longer have a curfew…”
“We could go back to the Summer House,” Nat said. “But Lacey and Zac are both there, and I don’t want to sit and make conversation with them, I just want to be alone with you. But nor do I want to face their knowing looks if we go up to my room.”
“And my parents will still be up, and although they’ll give us our privacy, they’ll do it in such an ostentatious way, it’ll be more awkward than if they supervised us.”
Nat laughed. “This is worse than high school. At least it was warm then. Remind me to only conduct romances in the spring and summer next time.”
“Perfect for hiding out in the orchard,” Linnea agreed.
“I should have got my own place. It didn’t seem worth it for just a few weeks. Fool that I am. I’ll tell you what, let’s go and grab a drink at the Graff, like a proper date, and then one day next week, I’ll make you dinner. There will be one night when Lacey will be away and Zac in San Francisco. Biscuit will be there to chaperone us though, so you don’t need to worry for your virtue.”
“That’s a shame,” Linnea said with as saucy a smile as she could manage. “I hope he doesn’t take his duties too seriously.”
Nat’s grip tightened even further. “I’m sure I can bribe him with a bone.”
“The Graff?” she teased as they began to walk slowly down the road. She was trying not to focus on the feel of her hand on his, on how every nerve seemed to be drawn there, her whole body tingling with every step. “Trying to impress me?”
“Always. Also, I wanted to catch up with Shane Knight, she tends bar there. Do you know her?”
For one second, jealousy ran hot through Linnea’s body. “I don’t think so.”
“She sings and plays the upright bass. I was thinking it might be fun to round the concert off with a bit of a gig—you on piano, me guitar, Lacey on her violin, and if Shane’s up for it then she can do the bass. She’s got a great voice too. I heard her a couple of weeks ago when Lacey and I were there. What do you think?”
“I think you’re taking this concert very seriously, Mr. Hathaway.”
Nat stopped and turned so he was facing Linnea. He moved forward slowly and she backed up until she was pressed up against the wall, his arms either side of her as he leaned in, the heat in his eyes a smolder threatening to set her alight. “Oh, I am,” he said, his eyes focused on her mouth. “There’s a girl I need to impress.”
“Oh?”
“She has high standards, you see. I want everything to be perfect.”
“I’m sure she appreciates your efforts.” Linnea wouldn’t have moved if her limbs had been able.
He wasn’t touching her and yet she was so aware of him, her body pulled toward his, her pulse hammering so loud it was providing its own soundtrack to the evening.
“You think?”
“I know.” She arched toward him, unable to hide her aching need any more. “Nat Hathaway, are you going to keep talking or are you planning on kissing me soon?”
“I think that can be arranged,” he murmured, moving closer until finally she could luxuriate in the hardness of his body against hers, sliding her arms around his waist to pull him even closer, raising her face to his, ready for his kiss. This was right, this was what she needed, and she was going to savor every single moment.