CHAPTER 29
TILLIE
Majestically galloping through the meadow, the thoroughbred thundered over the lush grass underfoot, stopping at the edge of a sprawling gorge. Winding through the narrow valley, the roaring river cut through a sprawling forest of swaying, towering evergreens.
Milo and Leo purred in my lap, the horse continuing down the hill as he carried us through the countryside. Peaceful contentment washed over me as I stroked their fur, the closeness of their warm bodies comforting me.
We soldiered onward, slowing near a wild patch of sunflowers, the rhythmic sway of the horse’s hips syncing up with the beat of my heart, as their thick stalks danced in the wind.
I had everything I needed.
The freedom of the great outdoors…
The closeness of the one’s I loved…
Sunshine…
I stirred, my eyes fluttering open. A slow, smile spread across my face as I remembered my dream. Where everything was right. Where everything made sense merely by being simple and easy.
I’d fallen asleep with the television on, after warming up the dinner I’d ordered for Richie and me. It was delicious, but I’d ordered so much that I felt guilty for wasting what I couldn’t get down. I’d never been so bummed about having an excuse to eat as much as I wanted in my life.
But I was. Bummed, that is. I’d been so looking forward to seeing him, to the promise of such a wonderful night. Disappointed didn’t even begin to describe how I’d felt.
I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d done something wrong. I’d been sure he was a good guy and I never expected he’d be the type to stand me up so rudely. I trusted him, the first person I’d really trusted since Reggie.
Maybe, I thought, when it came time to actually get down to business, he preferred someone younger. I was certainly no spring chicken, that’s for sure.
Despite my disappointment, I wasn’t going to let it ruin my memories of this trip. Even if I’d not spent the night with Richie, I’d still had a wonderful time, and all the growth I’d experienced was real.
I’d broken out of my shell.
Nothing could take that away.
Not even an incredibly handsome, completely inconsiderate, so-called king of dick.
My plane leaves tonight, and as I leave, I’ll keep my lessons close. Build on them. Go back to LA and make a life for myself. I had the world at my feet, all I needed to do was take a little initiative and figure what I wanted to do with my life.
Everything had gone so differently than the girl who left Texas so long ago imagined it would. I’d wanted the life I’d always seen in those films I watched, a house full of love and family. In the end, all I’d gotten was the house.
It might be too late for family, but it wasn’t too late for anything else. I could still live a full life, I could find my tribe. I just needed to step outside of my comfort zone and search for it.
Pushing thoughts of Richie away, I stretched and pulled myself out of bed. It was a beautiful day, just waiting for me to take advantage of it. I still had a few hours to myself before flying home tonight and I wanted to play a little more roulette. I’d grown quite fond of it and a part of me couldn’t wait to do a little more traveling and find other places to play. Atlantic City maybe, the Bahamas, even Monte Carlo sounded nice…
I could go anywhere.
Do anything at all…
I was walking over to turn off the television when I froze. Reggie’s face stared back at me, his name displayed across the bottom of the screen, the reporter for TMZ saying his name.
Quickly, I turned up the volume.
“Sources tell us Reginald Thorne wasted no time in moving on from his recently-official divorce from Matilda Thorne, his wife of twenty-five years. Rumors have been spreading for weeks that he’s been shacking up with Hollywood’s latest starlet, twenty-two year old Angeline Marchand. Marchand is the star of Thorne’s latest production, the much-anticipated winner of this year’s best picture award at the Cannes Film Festival. The picture was filmed a year ago, but Thorne’s divorce just became final in the last few weeks, so you do the math. But here’s the bombshell, folks,” he continued, beaming like the cat who’d caught the canary. “Marchand’s been laying low for the last few months. Now we know why,” he said, smiling mischievously. “Stay tuned after the commercial break and we’ll show you exclusive footage obtained by TMZ that explains exactly why sightings of Angeline Marchand have been scarce. We’ll give you hint before we go. It rhymes with ‘maybe’! Now, a word from our sponsors. Don’t go anywhere!”
The show cut out to a commercial and I sank onto the edge of the bed, trying to make sense of what I’d just heard. I had no idea Reggie was seeing anyone, especially not some — some — child!
Twenty-two? Angeline Marchand?
I shook my head in disbelief.
This couldn’t be happening.
And the rest? Could it be true? A baby?
My stomach retched and I ran to the bathroom, all of the food I’d gorged on last night coming up in a violent heave. I stood up, wiping my mouth, returning to the television just as the show came back on.
“Watch this,” the extremely pleased reporter beamed, before cutting away to a video. I recognized the location right away. Shot outside the condo Reggie kept near the studio, the one I’d helped him decorate many years ago, the camera zeroed in on a couple walking towards a car. Both of them wore sunglasses and hats, but they were easily recognizable. Reggie held Angeline’s hand tightly, their heads down.
She wore a long, thick sweater that she held tightly closed around her waist, which was out of place in the hot California sun. Just as she passed the camera, the breeze picked up, lifting the hat from her head. Her hand reached up to catch it and the sweater blew back behind her, revealing a baby bump the size of a bowling ball.
I backed away, shaking my head, the enormity of what I was seeing hit me all at once.
She was pregnant.
That woman was having the baby that I never could. How could this be happening?
After all these years, Reggie was finally getting what he wanted, what I’d wanted — his own child — and I was the one left all alone.
Somehow, it didn’t seem fair.
It wasn’t right.
I turned off the television, my heart throbbing in pain.
Why did she get to live my life? Why did Reggie get to start over completely, as if the last twenty-five years hadn’t happened? As if he’d never skipped a beat, he was just going to go on and start a family.
As if I never happened.
As if I never existed.
I thought of Richie again, the way he’d made me feel, the way he’d looked at me, as if he saw me. As if he knew me…
I’d never felt that way with Reggie.
I’d never been happy.
But neither had he. Maybe now, he’d get what he always wanted, and who was I to have anything to say about it? The sting I felt now would fade, I knew that, and I refused to let it linger for too long, but it stuck around the rest of the day, putting a hamper on my last roulette session and leaving me with a sadness that was slow to lift.
After losing way too much money, a fitting end to my trip, I walked back to my room and packed with a heavy heart. Drinking in one last view of the strip, I hung out on the balcony and watched the sun set for one last time. My head was haunted with Richie’s smile and I wondered what he was doing tonight.
I wondered if he regretted not showing up last night.
I wondered if he was thinking about me.
If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that life has a way of throwing you curve balls. I’d never expected anything to happen when I arrived here. I remembered how nervous I was just to leave my room alone. And then, how I slowly opened up, letting a little bit of happiness in, bit by bit.
Maybe Richie was just a small part of that. Maybe the connection we shared was supposed to be temporary. I’d been imagining a future with us, at the very least a visit after I’d gone back home. But I’d never expected him not to show up at all and end our time together so abruptly.
It felt so wrong, not saying goodbye.
I wanted to accept it as just the way it was ‘supposed’ to be, but it was like I was wearing my shoes on the wrong feet, it just wasn’t something I could get used to.
Maybe in time, I thought, as I followed the valet down to the limo with my luggage. Maybe in time it will get easier, but I knew the memory of Richie would never fade. I slid into the back of the car, watching with regret as the fountains of the Bellagio faded behind us.
I hated unanswered questions.
I hated the unknown, the uncertainty and the thought that I’d always carry that with me, that I’d never know what happened with Richie.
It was almost too much to handle.
So handle it, a voice sounded in my head.
I shook my head, trying to make sense of it all.
You’re a grown woman. If you want answers, go get them.
I took a deep breath and nodded firmly, hitting the button that lowered the glass between me and the driver.
“Excuse me? I’d like to make a detour.”